As time’s gone on he’s stated he dislikes my friend [especially after that dinner, obviously, which my friend still doesn’t believe my fiance doesn’t want his friendship. I’ve told him to his face twice and my friend still acts like they’re best buddies and nothing happened] and while he won’t tell me to stop being friends with him, my fiance does hope I walk away from my friend.

First, I want to say that I think it’s awesome that you and your fiance are so trusting of each other. That’s so rare these days and just really, really special. You two sound like you have a wonderful relationship. With that said, you know that your fiance ultimately doesn’t like your friendship with this guy, and even though he won’t tell you that you cannot be friends with him (which he shouldn’t do, so that’s good of him), wouldn’t it be better to distance yourself from this guy for your fiance’s comfort, given how he feels about him and that his feelings are certainly justified? I know things seem all good and he’s very understanding, but I feel like things like this have a way of chipping away at relationships… no matter how understanding your fiance is, it doesn’t stop underlying resentment from building (not that he will ever resent you over it intentionally, but sometimes those feelings sneak up on you). So I think you may need to factor that into your decision.

I also have to ask… why do you want to attend a party that your fiance is banned from attending?

Very fair point about the girlfriend, though I should point out we’ve been friends for over a year and have always acted this way. His girlfriend hasn’t been dating him long, she was one of the friends we hung around with for the same amount of time, and she’s seen [and commented on] our friendship.

Right, BUT he was single during that time and your fiance said he was okay with it, so as far as you both knew, it wasn’t hurting anyone. Now it IS hurting someone, and most people he dates are not going to be okay with the flirtation you two have, even though it’s your dynamic with him. When one friend starts dating, things have to change for the comfort of the new person in the relationship. And HE should have been the one that changed it, especially if you didn’t even know he had a girlfriend. He should stop flirting with other girls out of respect for his new girlfriend since it does make her uncomfortable. And no matter how comfortable your fiance says he is with your flirtation because he trusts you, I’m willing to bet he’d be relieved if it stopped, too.

We still sit together when we go out places. I’ve deliberately waited for his girlfriend to take the seat next to him, and he’ll get all confused. Twice since we found out they were dating he’s looked at me all sad and asked why I didn’t sit next to him, and once [at her house I should add] when everyone else got up for food [I stayed in my seat because I wasn’t hungry] he took our friends seat next to mine and moved it so close to me he was practically in my lap. [no joke, I asked the person sitting across from us at the table if there was no room and she replied “oh no, there was enough room to put another chair between your friend and the person next to him] I know I’m not defending his actions very well, I’m mostly trying to say it’s a very new relationship and he’s acting like they’re not dating outside of walking beside her when we’re in a group.

I think this is my point, he’s acting like they’re not dating outside of walking beside her, and that is SO disrespectful. All of his behavior towards you is disrespectful towards her and speaks VOLUMES about his character (negatively). Is it possible that you don’t want to really see that and instead defend him because you like the attention he’s still giving you? These are actions that really shouldn’t be defended. He’s dating someone else while treating you like he’s dating you while you have a fiance. There are blurred lines all over the place, and usually when relationships are new is when couples are all over each other, so this whole thing really is quite weird, and it really feels like it’s some sort of game (and I know you likely don’t want to hear that, but something feels off).

Reading your above post, I’ve met a number of narcissists and while you make a good point, he is different from them, which is why I hesitate to conclude he is one.

I can tell you, I’ve met narcissists that are what you have described. I’ve dated one. I defended him fiercely too because I believed him and then found out I was wrong, so this is why I’m saying just proceed with caution because sometimes our feelings can cloud our intuition, and I’m not entirely sure you’re being honest with yourself about your feelings, even though I DO think you’re trying to be. You seem very aware, but these guys can fool even the most self-aware women sometimes and you’ve admitted you like the attention he gives you so there might be some part of your mind that is blocking yourself from seeing just how bad the bad is (even though you do see the faults) because your mind and self-esteem are benefiting from the way he’s acting, even though it’s ultimately hurting other people.

I think the most telling thing will be how he reacts when you tell him you want to back off. I’d tell him you want to be friends but don’t want to be touchy/flirty at all any more out of respect for your significant others (even though your fiance says it’s okay with it) and see how he reacts to that. If he flips out… red flag.

Distance almost never fixes things because then the person has no idea what they’ve done. Distance is avoidance. The way to fix things is by being assertive, so I definitely think you should address your concerns with him and see what he says/does. If he reacts in an understanding way and then changes his behavior, that shows that he respects you and really is a good guy at heart.  If he reacts very badly in the way that you’ve seen him react with others, that should send a clear message of who he actually is. This includes if he blows up at you and then apologizes later, that’s still a big red flag.

I think it would be healthy for both of you to back off a little because, not only will your fiance be relieved (even if he won’t tell you that directly), I don’t think your friend is ever going to find himself in a healthy relationship with someone he truly likes as long as your friendship keeps the dynamic it currently has, so it would be good for him too if you two backed off from the physical touch and flirtiness, and it’ll probably seem weird at first because it’s a dynamic change, but I can see it being better for everyone involved.

I think it also makes sense that he’s basically with her just so his family will stop bugging him, but that still doesn’t make it okay for him to act the way he has been. Hopefully he will change that behavior.

Dear Nekoshema:

You are welcome. Regarding his “white knight complex and will act like a chivalrous knight”- I don’t think the image of a chivalrous knight includes flirting and making sexual comments to a woman engaged to be married (you). I suppose some of his behaviors are chivalrous, other behaviors are not.

You’ve been asking the  opinions and observations of multiple people about him (your most recent post): “my work friend.. I asked her honest opinion on our friend.. A few coworkers.. listed things they observed how he treats me… his roommate.. said he would observe our friend’s behavior”-

-because you don’t trust your own evaluation of this man, is it, which is the point I made to you in my very first reply to you in this thread.

To form your own evaluation of this  man and answer the question in the title of your thread without further input by other people, make a short and simple list of pros and cons to keeping this man as your friend. Don’t make it complicated and therefore confusing by adding to many details and angles. Instead, stick to the basics. If you want to try this basic pros and cons list here, please do.

anita