Should i forgive and forget or should i just move on??

New Reply

This topic has 23 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 23 total)

1 2 →

Author

Posts
May 20, 2019 at 7:56 am #294683

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle Bee:

Welcome back!

Your boyfriend of nine months had a sort of relationship, a series-of-interactions with a woman close to her fifties while he was only thirty. This series of interactions started before he met you and continued into his relationship with you. I think he felt really good to be viewed as the desirable, young man, being appreciated for his youth by this much older woman. In her company he was.. a teenager, perhaps. It made him feel… maybe, forever young.

He lied to you about her because he wanted that feeling of forever young to continue, to keep her giving him the attention and admiration for his… youth.

At this point, if I was you, I would demand that he sets a meeting between you, him and this woman, all sitting together for a conversation. I wouldn’t get back together with him unless this happens first and unless that meeting satisfies me. If the meeting satisfied me, then I would figure out a few rules in regard to her and his outings at night without you, if such are to be at all!

What says you?

anita

May 20, 2019 at 8:07 am #294689
Elle Bee
Participant
Hi Anita,

Thanks for getting back to me. I don’t think I can meet this woman again. Firstly because I would get the urge to kill her (even if i’m not capable to kill a fly) and secondly because she is obviously going to deny there was something between them and tries to make a fool out of me again. This women is a wealthy stuck-up bi***. She owns a school where he used to send his young ones (apparently for free) and where his sister works. She is separated with 3 grown up kids and she is currently seeing a married man, my bf’s age, and he goes to her house every Sunday. She’s a woman of NO VALUES! I don’t think I can face her, at least definitely not for the time being… and I don’t think he’ll like the idea as he knows we don’t like each other one bit!

Elle
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Elle Bee.
May 20, 2019 at 8:18 am #294695

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle Bee:

My idea of the meeting is for you to see for yourself, to see your boyfriend assert himself with her right there and then, in your presence and tell her what you need to hear him say. The purpose of the meeting is not to make nice, to repair anything. It is to declare it broken!

It will probably be a very short meeting and that is all it needs to be- it doesn’t take long to break. It takes long to build, or repair. So do the meeting somehow, somewhere, it won’t last long enough for her to extend any kind of b*&** behavior toward you.

anita

May 20, 2019 at 8:36 am #294699

Elle Bee
Participant

Dear Anita,

What do you mean by ‘declare it broken’ please? Are you referring to their ‘friendship’?

I’m sorry but I’m feeling too hurt and angry right now… thinking about it I’m already getting anxious. Moreover, I’m afraid I would then think that this is just a ‘fake’ thing in front of me that they’re doing. I cannot believe neither her or him, at this point. The messages stopped abruptly after the incident, so I believe that they were both aware that what they were doing was wrong. Otherwise they would have just continued with their normal chats between friends.

Meanwhile please note that he is always on his own in the mornings whilst i’m at work. Her school is about 5 minutes drive from where he lives. I wouldn’t know what he does whilst i’m at work.. apparently there were times when he went to visit his sister and her during school, according to him, just to say hi and have a chat with them.

I am not ready, at least for the time being for sure, to face both of them together! I would probably die before I get there! I don’t like her at all and I don’t know how I will react when seeing her face.

Elle

May 20, 2019 at 8:50 am #294705

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle:

I understand. By declaring it broken I meant that following my suggested meeting (now withdrawn), he will have no contact with her whatsoever, that if he happens to see her by accident, there will not even be a hello.

The title of your thread is “Should I forgive and forget or should I just move on??”- reads to me that you can’t forgive and forget and you can’t move on at this point.

If I was you, I am thinking, I would move on because the trust is gone. I would mourn whatever good was in the relationship and leave it behind.

He shouldn’t have lied to you, he shouldn’t have betrayed your trust in him. If he is saddened by a breakup with you, well, that is the consequence of what he chose to do, behind your back, again and again.. and yet again.

anita

May 20, 2019 at 9:19 am #294729

Inky
Participant

Hi Elle Bee,

I hate to say it, but if she is:

1. A family friend

2. Works at the same place as his sister and

3. Has known him for a decade or so…

She is not going to just simply leave his life. Sure, there could be nine months or even a year where you don’t see her. But you will surely hear OF her and ABOUT her. She is in the atmosphere.

And make no mistake, she gets off on being the alluring older woman. This hot younger guy apparently thinks she is desirable too! Now, I don’t think they did anything necessarily. But the selfies, texts, the heavy duty flirting, the “mention-itis” of her name all the time, the planning to see her and his sister to meet in secret a freaking three weeks in advance….

Listen, you aren’t married to the boy. Just tell him you want a break. He’ll know why. You don’t want to be competing with some fifty year old. Life’s hard enough.

Best,

Inky

May 20, 2019 at 10:50 am #294747

Elle Bee
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thanks for your reply. They only knew each other for about 4 years but he only got close to her after his separation. He didn’t mention her name often, to the contrary, he used to avoid mentioning her because he knew I would get upset and start it up again. But sometimes, as you said, her name had to be brought up!!

Anita and Inky, yes I’m going to move forward. I had always showed him so during the conversations of last week, following me leaving. I told him that I can’t trust him anymore.

I just met him quickly as I had something with him that I needed to have. He asked how I am and I showed him I’m not good. He said he’s moving on. So yes, I will now surely move on too!! Pity he saw me in an almost disastrous state…

Thank you for your insight and help, I truly appreciate.

Elle

May 20, 2019 at 11:02 am #294753

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle:

You are welcome. I am sorry for this heartache, in this relationship ending. You had hopes and dreams in this context and those are gone. It is sad when that happens.

Please feel free to post anytime, it may help you to express your thoughts and feelings in the days/ weeks to come. I will be glad to read from you anytime and reply to you.

anita

May 21, 2019 at 1:43 am #294885

Elle Bee
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you!

I am very hurt.. he’s putting up stories on fb with quotes such as “the moment love becomes demanding, it is a prison, it has destroyed the freedom. Love knows no boundaries, love cannot be jealous because love never possess. It is ugly, the very idea that you possess somebody because you love….. Only things can be possessed. Loves gives Freedom, Love is Freedom!”

I swear I never told him not to go out, to the contrary, I used to tell him to go out and meet his friends. I only expected to be told what he did and where he went during the day and I have always told him to do whatever he likes as long as he respects me and doesn’t do anything behind my back that he wouldn’t do in front of me. These are the things that I wanted. Was I being too demanding?? I used to tell him every single detail of my day!!! All I wanted was transparency and honesty!!

I don’t know if I should answer him or totally let him go… It’s not nice that he’s putting me to shame and try to look nice with his friends, family and acquaintances… I’m so hurt. I can’t seem to take him off my mind!

Elle

May 21, 2019 at 6:48 am #294899

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle:

Reads to me that he is angry and is trying to hurt you and is successful, so far. That is a shame. What he quoted there about love cannot be jealous, that is taken from the bible so he put together some things he heard in songs, a piece of bible quoted, nonsense really, in the context of what happened with you.

He told you recently that “there was absolutely nothing between them”- he lied. I suppose when he wrote: “Love gives Freedom, Love is Freedom”, he meant love gives Freedom to Lie, Love is Freedom to Lie.

I will edit the first part of his message as well: “the moment love becomes demanding that I stop lying, it is a prison, it has destroyed the freedom to lie.

What do you think/ feel?

anita

May 21, 2019 at 7:17 am #294911

Elle Bee
Participant

Hi Anita,

Yes you are so right. I just promised myself I will not go on his profile again, I have unfollowed him too, so nothing comes up on my feed. I’m not gonna go shallow like him and answer him back…

That chapter is closed… He is an immature kid and I surely deserve better.

Thanks again for listening Anita, respect!

Elle

May 21, 2019 at 7:32 am #294913

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle:

You are welcome. I was wondering, what happened with the other guy, the relationship therapist in your last thread. I think you met this recent guy a month after that breakup?

anita

May 21, 2019 at 7:59 am #294921

Elle Bee
Participant

Hi Anita,

I had stopped all contact with that guy. Never seen him or talked to him since then. I live in a small Island and people know each other. I got to know he hooked up with a beautiful girl, nurse by profession, after a month we broke up but apparently it only lasted for 4 months!

Yes, I met this guy 3 months after I broke up with the therapist… I thought I had healed from the pain but it is clear I was not. I fell for his nice words and charm!

I had been married for 12 years (2005-2017) and even though my husband was a great man, he never gave me any care and attention, nor complimented me and we had 10 minutes sex every 2 months – if i’m lucky, and always treated me ‘like his mother’, sometimes even shouting at me or blaming me for nothing. He had no other women; his mobile had no password and his social media accounts were always open on his laptop. He never hid anything from me in this regard but after 8 years of marriage I found out he had a porn addiction. He tried to work on it but by time things got back to square one. We then both grew out of love and decided to part ways, very amicably.

I came to this because I think that what was happening to me was that I was falling for the charm and attention of a new guy. I let both of them sweep me off my feet before I got to know them properly. Now I need to work on myself, be strong, love myself and the moment I stop missing being with someone would be the moment that I will allow myself to fall in love again.

Elle

May 21, 2019 at 8:10 am #294925

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Elle:

Your story fits with what I already know, mental/ emotional health is not that common! True to the three men in your life, the ex husband, the relationship therapist whose own relationships were quite sick (not surprised his newer relationship lasted only four months), and this recent man.

Better take your time now to learn more from these three experiences, learn and evaluate a man before getting emotionally and physically involved with him. The easy ones, I suppose: does the man have a porn addiction? Does he lie, does he lie repeatedly? And what I would be looking for, if I was single: what is the man’s relationship with his mother.

You live in a small island, that means there are not a lot of men/ single men available for future dating, in the future, that is, when you are ready?

anita

May 21, 2019 at 10:34 am #294949
Elle Bee
Participant
Hi Anita,

Well, there are about half a million inhabitants on this island and there are plenty of single/separated/divorced men.. how many of them are REAL honest men, I don’t know!!

As for the mothers:

My husband’s mum was a sweetheart! She loved her kids and raised them very well. She gave them plenty of love and care and she loved me like a daughter. He loves her and respects her back

The therapist mother looked ok but according to him she neglected him as a child, beat him several times and also threatened him with suicide. When I was with him, he seemed to respect her.

This guy’s mum is… well, what can I say, ok. She wasn’t very caring but she’s been through a lot and she’s a bit depressed herself. He loves her and provides for her. He pays her bills (he lives with her) and makes sure she’s comfortable. On the other hand for some reason she’s always picking on him and arguing with him. Once he told me that she told him “Even ‘Elle’, I don’t know what she’s doing with you, she’s either acting it all up or I don’t know.” When I asked him why, he said that as a youth he was quite ‘naughty’ and lied to her a lot and she cannot accept that he is now a grown up man and he’s changed. Well, when I was a teenager I used to lie to my mum at times too, so I didn’t much give it a second thought BUT I guess I should have seen this coming!!

Elle
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Elle Bee.
Author

Posts