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Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away?

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  • July 14, 2025 at 11:50 am #447581
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    Thank you again for opening up so honestly. There’s so much tenderness and courage in how you speak about your patterns, and I deeply admire your willingness to look inward and to keep looking forward, even when it hurts.

    What you describe—reaching out to people, then pulling away when conflict or discomfort arises—is something I understand closely. I’ve found myself doing the same: staying quiet, letting feelings build, and only speaking up once things have reached a breaking point. Your friend’s advice really resonates—naming our needs early, even imperfectly, might be the gentlest way to protect the connection before it begins to break. Boundaries don’t have to be rigid; they can be ways of creating honesty and care.

    When it comes to your father and his views on therapy (“he does not like therapy… bc it makes me stuck in the past according to him,”- from your previous message), I hear that strong voice—one that says reflection is being stuck. But healing isn’t about staying in the past. It’s about understanding how the past shaped us, so that our future doesn’t repeat the past. Without that reflection, the same wounds keep showing up—just in different relationships, in different forms.

    And I can’t help but feel that his forceful opinions—his tendency to overpower emotional space and dismiss inner work—are tied to enmeshment. When a parent dominates our inner world, it’s like our space is already occupied by someone else. There’s no room left for us—within ourselves, for ourselves. It feels suffocating. For someone still untangling from that dynamic, limiting or even ending contact isn’t cruelty—it can be a form of survival. A way of remembering where you begin.

    When a parent takes up emotional space in this way—especially one who dismisses self-reflection or overwhelms with forceful views— it leaves very little room for the child’s own identity to form. It’s a kind of emotional invasion. Limiting contact can become necessary in order to reclaim that space, to hear our own voice again, to trust our emotions, and to build real agency in our lives.

    Agency is the ability to make choices and act on them in a way that reflects your true self. It’s about having the space—and the inner clarity—to decide what’s right for you, instead of being pulled by others’ expectations, demands, or fears.

    You asked me: “That is tough for you too, that the enmeshment with your mum makes you doubt your instincts and make you over-explain yourself—it feels like there is no ground underneath your feet, right? How does that come up for you?”-

    Yes, enmeshment with my mother has been deeply difficult for me. It really felt like there was no ground beneath me. I didn’t feel strong enough—or safe enough—to stand tall with confidence and move through life. Instead, I crawled. I was unsure, fearful. Sometimes I’ve described it as being a ship lost at sea—without direction, carried wherever people and circumstances took me. No agency.

    Even now, I see traces. I’m generous and kind with people, but part of that is driven by a deep urge to be liked. I put parts of myself aside to please
 and then those parts rise back up, often in painful ways. I withdraw. I feel anger I hadn’t expressed earlier. And because my mother carried so much paranoia and distrust, I catch myself viewing others through her lens. I become suspicious of people I genuinely care about—and push them away. That shift—from warmth to distance—has hurt people who only wanted closeness.

    I became fully aware of this dynamic just yesterday, after my mother re-invaded my inner space, filling me with suspicion, and I got angry—expressing that anger toward someone I’ve been feeling close to, someone who is genuinely kind and trustworthy. I apologized profusely, and I’m still hurting from what happened. I don’t know if the relationship can be salvaged. Time will tell. But regardless, I intend to keep working on this kind of invasion every day.

    It just occurred to me a few seconds ago, as I was rereading the above, that there may be a factor of… I’d call it inappropriate loyalty on my part—loyalty to my mother. As in, if I trust anyone in real life, it feels like a betrayal of her. Because what she stood for, what she consistently expressed, her message—paraphrased—was: “Trust no one.” And a good little girl listens to her mother… (or father), doesn’t she?

    .. I wonder if it might help to try expressing, in just one sentence, what your father’s message has been in your life—and your mother’s.

    And I’m also wondering, how did your visit with your mother go?

    Warmest hugs to you đŸ€

    July 17, 2025 at 2:06 pm #447715
    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sorry for the delayed message. I am feeling so tired, tense, just not in the best place right now. I have been watching things about “the fear of abandonment”, adn how it affects relationships. All the signs they described, I recognize so much. The leaving relationships before someone can abandon you, not stating boundaries, self-abandonment. It is so tiring, that I feel everything opposing I say, or little criticism I feel, I am afraid to tell the person bc I am afraid it will hurt them so much. With my parents I feel that when I choose myself, lately, I proposed to call once a week, and little to no whatsapp, gives me a bot of rest bc I felt so overwhelmed somehow when my mum and I started texting again. Eventhough the conversation felt so light, we just talked about her sick cousin, but I felt like I wanted to care too much for her, and I could not handle. There was no real reason why I felt so overwhelmed per se, it just scared me that they could talk to me, anytime. I feel like I have no boundaries whatsoever, and that is bc I get so easily guilted, when I think, assume, or know someone else might be hurt by my boundary. For some reason, boundaries others have toward me also hurt me. Weird, right? I heard this is one sign of fear of abandonment. I lost many relationships and friendships bc of leaving impulsively; either bc I judged and expected someone was too good for me, or would leave me anyway bc he would think I was weird or so, or boring, anything. And then I end up missing the best people…the best chances in work too…bc I am afraid I will fail and then they would leave and reject me. What a curse this is. One thing is for sure…I won’t be ready for dating for a very long time…I don’t want to think of anyone wle, and I feel like this wound only causes problems and trauma, for others too…bc they end up believeing I don’t like them, but in reality it’s just that I coud not accept them liking me, and then rejecting me…last week my therapist said I have to ‘say goodbye’ to Philip, and the very word made me cry even. I have seen a youtube clip by Guy Winch on broken heart, it was so good: it said you should not think f them bc it will perpetuate the hurt, Take away all hope, and such. I know I must, and will try. But I just cannot picture myself with anyone else now, or a long time…anyway, a relationship won’t make me happy now anyways. I better focus on new jobs and such. I know my father is not so good about therapy..I will try and not talk about it with him, as I know therapy helps me a lot and I will continue with it.

    Oh, that is so painful, Anita. To feel like you ‘are like a ship lost at sea’. I can relate to that so much. It is interesting how that comes from being enmeshed. Could it also have to do with your father leaving you? Just like me, an abandonment wound? Also because I recognize the wanting to please…in order for people to please not leave you. That is such a painful feeling, right..
    How are you now, do you feel like you can be yourself a bit more? I heard fear of abandonment can lead to self abandonment too..everything to keep the caregiver of your youth around…so exhausting, and painful..
    I feel you, pushing people away with the warm – cold. Is it for you that usually something has happened, or is it when they come too close? I can imagine, that is really painful to see it happening. I watched a youtube clip yesterday – I don”t know if it might be helpful for you, but it was so enlightening for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ut-WSoynR1Y
    Ahh, I’m sorry for what happened with your mum! But you know, I think it is a good thing you said that you did not like her doing that, it is so good that you”re stating your boundary, right? Hopefully she will now know, that her behaviour is not appreciated. I think protecting yourself in that way was a very brave act, we both know how difficult it is to do just that…How did she react? If I may ask. Can imagine trusting anyone, feels like betrayal, since she taught you not to. But I think it was not right for her to teach you that, right..? How else is a person to feel safe in this world? I can imagine it feels wrong for you, to do it anyway. But I hope you will find peace in doing so anyway, regardless of what your mum thinks.

    I have seen my mum yet…her uncle was too weak. I am not sure if, and when I am going…

    Oh Anita, now that I ahev accepted the break up – and I do still find myself fanatsizing, and hoping at times, but I do think it is reaching me better now, that it is really over – I feel such a heavy sadness at times. People keep telling me: it was just a guy. Go date somebody else. But it just does not feel that way. He was special, we had something special…I think there was an interesting bond. But I just don’t know how to get rid of the sadness. It hurts so extra bc it wa something I caused mysefl, something that could still have existed if I had not acted this way…

    warmest hugs!!

    Emma

    July 17, 2025 at 2:33 pm #447740
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    I am glad to read back from you, but sorry you feel so tired and tense. I read only the beginning and ending of your message but will read attentively tomorrow morning.. or later tonight. When I read “warmest hugs!”- I thought: I need cool hugs, very cool- it’s so hot here (and no air conditioning). Back to you later..

    Coolest hugs!

    Anita

    July 18, 2025 at 10:05 am #447763
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    Reading your message, I can feel how heavy things are for you right now, and I really admire how honest and thoughtful you are, even when it hurts. You’re doing such deep emotional work, and that takes real courage.

    From what you wrote, I hear a few big things:

    * You’re dealing with fear of abandonment, which makes it hard to set boundaries or stay in relationships. You often leave before someone else can.

    * You feel guilty when you set boundaries, especially if you think someone might be hurt. And when others set boundaries with you, it feels painful too—almost like rejection.

    * You’ve lost relationships and chances at work because you assumed people would leave or think you weren’t good enough.

    * You’re grieving Philip, and it hurts even more because you feel like it was your fault. That kind of self-blame makes the sadness even deeper.

    * You feel overwhelmed by contact with your mom, even when the conversation seems light. It’s like her presence takes up too much space inside you, and you’re trying to find room to breathe.

    * You want to be accepted as you are, but you’re afraid that if people really see you, they might leave.

    These are painful patterns, but you’re facing them with honesty, Emma. That matters so much.

    Here are the questions you asked me, and my answers:

    1) “Could it also have to do with your father leaving you? Just like me, an abandonment wound?”- Not that I’m aware of. My parents divorced when I was about six, and my father moved out. I have no memory of him living with me and my mother, except for one—an argument between them. I don’t have any positive memories of him as part of the family, so there was nothing to miss when he left. If I carry an abandonment wound, I believe it comes from my mother. Too often, she treated me like “the other”—as if I were a stranger, or even an enemy she needed to guard herself against.

    2) “Also because I recognize the wanting to please
in order for people to please not leave you. That is such a painful feeling, right..”- Yes, I know that feeling very well. To avoid my mother’s anger, shaming, and blaming, I shrank myself so much that I lost touch with my boundaries altogether. I became like a puppet—my movements were not my own, but determined by other people and circumstances. Even when I heard “no” in my mind, I wouldn’t speak it. I just stayed silent.

    In my mind, growing up (growing “in”, more accurately), my mothers’ emotions were everything. She took ALL the space. She was loud, talked a lot.. lots of self-pity, histrionics. So, there was no space for my emotions, for my thoughts, and I was afraid that any expression on my part will trigger her.. so I suppressed and hid so much of myself.

    3) “How are you now, do you feel like you can be yourself a bit more?”- Let me give you a small example. I’ve had a persistent issue with my computer and couldn’t fix it on my own. For weeks, I didn’t ask anyone for help because I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone or cause stress. But this morning, I did ask—and I felt proud. The issue still isn’t resolved, but that small action marked a shift. It was a step away from self-abandonment, a step toward building a new habit. Asking for help part of asserting myself, an act of taking space.

    4) “Is it for you that usually something has happened, or is it when they come too close?”- It’s usually when someone gets too close. That emotional closeness feels dangerous—like they might suddenly see through me.. see that I am not worthy of their trust or affection, and turn against me. So I withdraw before that can happen, hoping to avoid the hurt.

    I think that I’m afraid that other people will see me the way my mother saw me: someone who is not good-enough, someone who deserves to be shamed and guilted and.. well someone (using my mothers words), someone who is “A Big Zero”.

    5) “How did she react? If I may ask.”- When I was younger, my mother would slap me across the face as she shame me with her words. I remember one time she said, “The only thing I like about you is that, when I hit you, you look down at the floor and don’t talk back.” Years later, in my early twenties, she charged at me again, arms raised to hit. But that time, I reached out and grabbed her hands to stop her. I didn’t hurt her—I just applied enough pressure to hold her back. She went limp, backed off. And she never tried to hit me again.

    6) “But I think it was not right for her to teach you that, right..? How else is a person to feel safe in this world?”- I don’t blame her for being suspicious—her own childhood was full of betrayal. But I also see how harmful that message was for me. If only she had trusted me, even while distrusting the rest of the world, that could have given me a safe place to land. But she didn’t. She saw me as a threat too—and that left me without any safe space at all.

    A few things I wanted to add before closing


    You’ve been navigating so much, Emma—with your parents, with Philip, and inside yourself—and I truly admire your strength. The fact that you’re doing therapy, seeking out insights, and trying to understand your patterns is remarkable. That’s not just healing; it’s leadership. You’re leading your inner life toward something freer, more honest, and more peaceful.

    About your parents: I think your instinct to limit contact and create space is wise. You’re not doing it to be cruel—you’re doing it to breathe, to heal, to hear your own voice. Guilt may still show up, but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means you’re stretching beyond old conditioning. You don’t owe anyone constant access to you—especially when it comes at the cost of your peace.

    And about Philip— I wonder if part of what makes the bond with him feel so special now is the space between you and him. If you were to reconnect, that space might close, and the reality of the relationship, the closeness—could stir up the same old fears. This cycle—idealization, closeness, fear, withdrawal—is something many people go through while healing from attachment injuries. It’s not a flaw in who you are. It’s a pattern rooted in past pain.

    And still, your sadness is valid. Your longing is valid. Your grief makes sense, because this wasn’t just a breakup—it was the loss of something that felt meaningful and safe, at least in moments. I know it hurts, especially when it feels like your own patterns pushed him away. But even this hurt can be part of your healing. You’re learning what needs attention. What needs tenderness. What’s ready to shift—not because you’re broken, but because you’re growing.

    You’re doing the work. And that matters so much.

    Sending you warm hugs đŸ€ Anita

    July 18, 2025 at 11:23 am #447769
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    I was stunned. While watching the YouTube video you sent me, I heard Tim Fletcher say: “For the child, to be abandoned is the most painful wound possible… It creates a deep belief of shame—that the reason people didn’t attach to me is that I must not be good enough. But more than that: I must be a ZERO… If you see that I am a zero, you will abandon me.”-

    Isn’t that incredible? I had just written the word ZERO in my message to you—before hearing it in the video. It felt like a moment of eerie synchronicity.

    He also spoke about how someone with an abandonment wound can perceive others’ healthy boundaries as threats of abandonment. That really struck me. It sounds like something you’ve described, doesn’t it?

    As he listed the types of abandonment children can experience, I remembered that when I was around one year old, I got sick and was placed in an isolation ward at a hospital. My mother wasn’t allowed to visit. When she was finally let in, a nurse was holding me—and I turned away from my mother, clinging to the nurse.

    My mother threatened to kill herself countless times—and sometimes, to kill me too. She could be affectionate, but I lived in fear of losing that affection if I said the wrong thing or if my facial expression didn’t match what she wanted. Her anger was unpredictable, volatile. Looking back, she clearly fit the profile of someone struggling with BPD and serious mental illness.

    Toward the end of the video, Fletcher talks about healing: building a relationship with yourself, recognizing triggers in relationships, healing shame, and learning to shift from the limbic brain—where impulses and distortions live—back into the cortex, where rational thought can guide us. He speaks about inner child work and tools for handling conflict. It felt like a roadmap.

    Thank you so much for recommending this video. I’d love to share it with others who struggle with fear of abandonment or abandonment anxiety. You and I are definitely not alone in this.

    Warmly, Anita

    July 22, 2025 at 10:09 am #447841
    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I am so sorry for the big, big delay. But I feel like I am so tired, tense as well. Really struggling with the grief/heartbreak. Gonna speak in therapy about ehat drives this heaviness considering the length of time I knew him.

    Maybe I can write to you in short notes for now – at least twice a week should work. I have read your messages though! If you are open to it, I could also leave you my email address so we could do this more privately, if you are open to that, of course! (No problem if you rather don’t!). maybe this might be getting a bit too personal for me to share on the forum. And might be fun to have a pen friend overseas!

    Warm and cool hugs, and speak to you soon!
    Emma

    July 22, 2025 at 11:11 am #447842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    Please don’t worry at all about delays—truly, whatever pace feels right for you is absolutely fine with me. I deeply value the connection that’s grown between us, and I’d love for you to feel free and safe to message whenever it suits you, whether that’s twice a week or once a month or only when your heart nudges you toward it.

    I hear the weight you’re carrying right now, and I admire your strength in seeking to understand it more fully in therapy. Grief has its own strange rhythm, and it asks so much of us. Please be gentle with yourself.

    If email feels more comfortable for you when sharing personal reflections, I welcome that wholeheartedly. Feel free to post your address whenever you’re ready, and I’ll be sure to write to you there. Just so you know—each morning when I sit at the computer, I tend to check and answer tiny buddha first before opening my email.

    Warm hugs back to you—soft ones and sturdy ones. Looking forward to hearing from you in any form and any moment that feels right.

    đŸ€ Anita

    September 17, 2025 at 5:09 am #449856
    J.
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Here I am again! I will leave you my emailaddress, maybe we can continue through email? emmaverhoog@hotmail.com
    It’s been a tough time, I am dealing, with what I think, is OCD. I Have had these periods throughout my life, different themes, but this time it is difficult to let go, and it makes me wonder if these are really just thoughts. It’s kind of scary. Wow, what you are describing about how healthy boundaries can feel like threats if you have abandonment wounds, sounds so real and plausible. It does feel like that to me, unfortunately. Do you recognize it too? (feel free to answer me through email!)
    Oh my…you have gone through a lot, it must have been so scary, to live with a parent that has such volatile emotions. No wonder at all that you learned (I think?) to adapt yourself to others. So painful to your own sense of self..and placeing others before yourself. Are you still in contact with your mother? That is a touching story about you, in the isolation ward. If you remember – why do you think you clung to the nurse, instead of reaching out to your mother, could it have been the nurse felt safer, or maybe was with you through such hard times as sickness?
    Your very welcoming about the video, so happy it helped. Als very interestoing experience you had, a bout the ‘zero’…good, in a sense, to feel recognized in pain I think..

    Wishes you a lovely day, despite the heaviness you shared!

    Warmly, Emma

    September 17, 2025 at 1:14 pm #449895
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    So good to read back from you. Generally, I prefer communicating here, on the forums, better than on email, but if you still prefer email- if you feel safer there, I will email you tomorrow with a response. I didn’t yet read all of your recent post (had a long day, tired).

    So, please let me know if your definite preference is email, and if it is, my next message to you will be via email (tomorrow).

    Anita

    September 17, 2025 at 1:36 pm #449897
    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Of course, this forum is fine too! I was thinking, I am a bit careful with all the information I am putting here as everyine can read it then, and I am not sure if I like that so much – but I will keep things a bit more short from now on, so it won’t be into too much detail! Then I do not mind continuing on the forum.

    Speak to you soon!

    Warm wishes, Emma

    September 17, 2025 at 1:56 pm #449899
    anita
    Participant

    Then here it will be, Emma. If you change your mind, we’ll go to email (I copied your email address into my personal record)
    I’ll write more tomorrow.

    đŸ€ Anita

    September 18, 2025 at 10:30 am #449959
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    I am sorry that you’ve been going through a tough time since we talked last 😔

    As I read through our communication since June this year, I could see how I heavily I used Copilot (AI) in my replies to you, which explains the perfect grammar and upbeat attitude when I didn’t feel upbeat. I’ve been using Copilot for ten months (in my ten years of participation in the forums) and most recently, I stopped and what you get is just me, back to my imperfect grammar and expressing .. me.

    I thought that AI- in the context of replies to members- was working with me as a team, enhancing my intelligence, but what I found out, after 10 months of daily use, is that it dimmed my personal intelligence, so now I am recovering.

    You wrote yesterday, “Wow, what you are describing about how healthy boundaries can feel like threats”- I tried to locate where I shared about that but couldn’t find it. Can you tell me what you mean by this sentence?

    Thank you for your continued empathy, Emma! In regard to my mother, I don’t feel like talking about her anymore, not at this point anyway.

    In regard to OCD.. did we talk about you receiving professional treatment for it? I don’t remember..

    Please feel free to express your thoughts and feeling about any part of what I shared here.

    Looking forward to reading back from you

    đŸ«¶đŸŒż Anita

    September 23, 2025 at 8:31 am #450123
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking about you, Emma. How are you?

    September 24, 2025 at 3:35 am #450143
    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Hmm, not doing too well actually. I am feeling bad bc of the OCD thoughts…just don’t know what therapy would help best, my current one, which is more like psycho analysis, or exposure therapy. Thing is I am afraid what this problem is, if it’s actually OCD or real..which frightens me. On top of that…the heartbreak is still there. I just cannot seem to accept it is over…I know I should, but breaking things off too soon…I think it will leave me wondering forevering if I let something good go, something I thought I did not deserve. I have done this often in life, leaving too soon bc I was afraid of the discussion. I should have…now the dates I have had in the meantime really do not compare. It just hurts so much that I will never speak to him again. I really feel like it was not supposed to be this way. I know people say, this was just one guy, why worry, but it felt like it could have been so special. Like he really got me. I could have learmed from me. Sorry for talking about it again. I know you think it better not and that is true. But this is truthfully what is on my mind as well.

    As to the remark about the boundaries, I believe you mentioned it in your last post – that you thought that bumping against someone’s healthy boundaries felt painful, but then maybe you said that to me?

    I am so glad that you now learn to trust writing in your own voice, to be honest, I prefer it too 🙂 your advise has always been very good and kind, with or without AI, but somehow I think it feels more real talking straight to someone else! Have you had feeling s like this with other things too, if I may ask? That depending on your own voice/judgement maybe felt scary?

    Warmly,
    Emma

    September 24, 2025 at 3:36 am #450144
    J.
    Participant

    I just wonder if he feels it too…that nothing compares. Probably not, since he does not contact me anymore and told me to leave harshly when I was at his house.

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