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Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away?

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  • June 30, 2025 at 8:21 am #447203
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    Thank you for being so open again. I really admire how you’re facing something painful without turning away from yourself. It takes real strength to look at the past honestly and still try to treat yourself with care. You deserve your own patience and kindness—especially now.

    I think it’s deeply human that you wanted to be understood by Philip. That visit came from a place of longing, not harm—and from the way you’ve been reflecting on it, it’s clear you’re starting to see how deep pain can make it hard to notice how our actions might feel to someone else. Realizing that is a meaningful part of your growth.

    What you said about boundaries really stayed with me: “I feel that me stating them feels unkind—but I guess that is because I never had them.” That kind of awareness is powerful. When we grow up without having our boundaries respected, it makes sense that they can feel unfamiliar—even scary.

    And for someone like you, who’s only now beginning to explore what boundaries look and feel like, it also makes sense that someone else’s might not have been easy to see in the moment—especially when emotions were running high. That’s not a failure of care. It’s something you’re learning, and you’re learning with honesty and heart.

    That’s why building boundaries is so important. Even in small ways, they help you feel more grounded, more connected to what’s right for you. They’re not about pushing people away—they’re about protecting your energy and letting the right people come closer. Some small starting points might be taking time to think before answering, noticing what feels too much, or even pausing to ask yourself, “Do I want this, or do I feel pressured?” Each of these is you saying, “I matter, too.”

    And Emma, I really see your growth. This kind of change doesn’t happen all at once—it unfolds in small, strong steps, often with pain still nearby. But it’s real. You’re recognizing your patterns, noticing what feels calmer, and even speaking up with your parents. That’s not easy. And it counts.

    If you want to share how they respond, I’d be honored to listen. I’m really grateful you’re letting me walk alongside you through this. You’re not alone in it.

    With warmth always, Anita

    June 30, 2025 at 12:38 pm #447213
    J.
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, for your compliment, that really touches me.
    Mmm…I have been wondering, I have had OCD all my life, and it seems like I’m stuck in this break up – I’ve had that before. Maybe it is ROCD – would suit the continuously doubtinh of the partner, etc. Even Philip himself seemed to have done this – if I remebered well – he constantly seemd to compare me to exes, and other women, and constant doubts even though he said he felt good about it.

    You’re right about boundaries – setting them feels so scary for me, because of people’s reactions. Yes…must say I kind of was aware of Philip’s boundaries…but every time I thought, “but he does not understand me, what if I explained?”, since he repeatedly convinced me, and at one point, told me, he would keep doing so, I think I may have taken that for granted and thought I could still convince him..

    Oh, what would he be thinking of me now? I just feel like, could his feelings for me have evaporated so suddenly? That hurts, eventhough I would understand bc of my behaviour.

    Some small starting points might be taking time to think before answering, noticing what feels too much, or even pausing to ask yourself, “Do I want this, or do I feel pressured?” Each of these is you saying, “I matter, too.” This is a very good one…I should really remember this…

    I will make a note for on my wall!

    Thank you, Anita

    Warm wishes,
    Emma

    June 30, 2025 at 12:44 pm #447215
    J.
    Participant

    I want to thank you so deeply, Anita, for being there with me. For giving me a place to share these difficult moments like the one yesterday, when Philip got angry with me – it does take the pressure of a bit. And also learning about boundaries, and how you describe the, Thank you..kind person on the other side of the ocean 🙂

    Emma

    June 30, 2025 at 6:00 pm #447224
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    You are so very welcome—and thank you for your appreciation and kind words. Reading your message truly made my day.

    And thank you for continuing to share so openly. Your reflections are filled with honesty and self-awareness—it’s a privilege to witness your process.

    From what you’ve described here and in earlier messages, it does sound like you’re noticing patterns that may align with Relationship OCD (ROCD). The persistent doubts about Philip, the urge to explain yourself repeatedly, the difficulty letting go after the breakup, and the mental loops of “what if” and “what does he think of me now”—these are all experiences that many people with ROCD report.

    Of course, only a qualified mental health professional can give a diagnosis. But your curiosity about ROCD is valid, and exploring it may help you understand yourself with more compassion. ROCD isn’t about not loving someone—it’s about the mind getting stuck in a loop of doubt, fear, and the need for certainty. And when that’s layered on top of a history with OCD, it makes sense that relationships become a place where those patterns show up.

    What I find especially powerful is how you’re beginning to notice the why behind your actions. You weren’t disregarding Philip’s boundaries—you were trying to be understood, to repair, to reconnect. That’s not failure. That’s a deeply human response shaped by fear, longing, and hope.

    And your honesty about boundaries—how scary they feel, and how you’re beginning to see their shape—is such an important shift. You’re not just learning about boundaries—you’re starting to feel why they matter: in your body, in your relationships, in your healing. That’s not small. That’s foundational.

    I love that you’re putting reminders on your wall. That’s you building a new kind of inner home—one where your needs matter, your voice counts, and your growth is honored.

    I wanted to share that I’ve experienced OCD too. I began struggling with it around age six and was diagnosed in my twenties. I no longer fit the diagnosis, so maybe—just maybe—there’s hope for you too.

    And I have a sense that we may share something else: an invalidating parent or two. My mother used to counter every thought I had with condemnation. I was always “wrong,” always “missing the point,” never quite right. No wonder that internal voice—hers, really—kept on second-guessing me for so many years. It’s still there sometimes, but softer now. Life is so much simpler and gentler without that constant inner doubter.

    I’m here, Emma—always—on this side of the ocean. And I’m so very glad you’re here too.

    With warmth and care, Anita

    July 2, 2025 at 1:16 pm #447277
    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you…yes it seems to have been such a weird and painful process, Philip and me – even my current thoughts, regrets, memories..
    I just feel like it could have been so special and interesting, him strong in ways I’m not, and I could have helped him maybe accessing his emotions, and becoming a bit more aware of others’ feelings. I wish I could have kept myself from these impulses. I have a silent wish and hope that he would return, maybe after a while, hopefully remembering how special it was…or at least it was for me. The long phonecalls..the long first date. I feel like I am looping and not want to loose these thoughts, cause they are all I have of him. I hate myself for breaking up with him. Friday I have planned a date with another guy, but I honestly don’t feel like it…I just don’t want to replace Philip, or cannot stand the idea of someone else holding me or so. But maybe Philip has already found somebody else too. The way he told me to leave really showed me he seems to hate me. He said “if we can stay friends this will happen in the future” when I broke it off. I seem to hope him not being able to be friends with me shows he still had feelings – but this was before my continuous…contacting after his request for space.

    I think it must be related to OCD, yes – this is just my head forcing me to think of it – but also, because I want to stay connected to Philip in a way. I would love to show youa photo of him, he’s on Linkedin, but sharing the link might cause trouble in the long run I think. I was wondering, and I don’t know why I’m asking this but – what do you think he will be thinking of me? I guess I’m asking to think of what chances I still have left…none I guess. Sorry for asking this – it is impossible to answer, I’m sure. I fear I have really hurt him in his, what I think are, sensitive spots: disrespectfulk and very judgmental. I said it in the moment because I was so afraid that he could be limiting me in being myself – but I have come to see, that I am the one who should have taken his words less personal, he was just attacking the things I thought were true: MBTI, astrology, and that I knew too little things of the world, like philosophy etc.
    I was wondering – have you ever been through such regrets in love, if this is not too personal – and if so, how did you cope with it…be at peace with it, and the idea that if I had not done this or that..I might have had him still..

    And yes setting the boundaries feels so scary to me – but I can imagine it will be so much better if I have control over the energyin leave in or out.

    Oh, so you also have experiences with OCD? I have heard it comes from a very strict upbringing..your story sounds like a very painful experince, Anita – your mum sounds like she has been quite judgmental too, do you know what were her reasons for doubting? Did she think you would improve of it? I always wonder why parents go to these tactics – it sounds so unkind, those words she used. I feel for you too, Anita – and how it stayed with you in the form of an inner voice – it’s not strange that that deveoped out of this, like you were forced to take her words to heart, even though they were very probably untrue most of the time. I can imagine it limits a child’s wish to explore the world, being held back by doubts and maybe insecurity – even more impressive that you moved to another country early in life!!
    I’m happy the voice has become softer, and it gives you peace. You deserve that!

    Warm wishes,
    Emma

    July 2, 2025 at 1:19 pm #447278
    J.
    Participant

    Oh I meant – I believe Philip’s sensitive spots were that he urt people by being so blunt and harsh…and I called him “disrespectful” and “very judgmental” when I texted him…because I was afraid I would lose myself if I did not tell him this before we might continue dating

    July 2, 2025 at 1:24 pm #447280
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma, I’ll be back at the computer in a few hours to read your message carefully and reply with the attention it deserves đŸ€

    Anita

    July 2, 2025 at 2:22 pm #447281
    J.
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, take your time 🙂

    July 2, 2025 at 9:05 pm #447284
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma, Thank you for your empathy and support—it means so much. It’s nighttime here, and I’ll need the focus I hope to have in the morning to reply to you with the care your message deserves.

    Wishing you all the best, Anita

    July 3, 2025 at 9:00 am #447310
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    I want to begin by saying how much strength I see in you. The fact that you’re still reflecting, still feeling, still reaching for understanding—that’s not weakness. That’s courage. And even though this part of the journey hurts, the way you’re walking through it tells me you’re already growing. You’re not broken—you’re becoming.

    You wrote: “I don’t want to lose these thoughts, cause they are all I have of him.”-

    In ROCD—and in heartbreak generally—the mind often becomes the keeper of memory when the heart is still reaching. Your thoughts are acting like quiet memorials, helping you stay close to something that mattered. That makes sense. You’re not obsessing because you’re irrational—you’re doing what humans do when they’re hurting and don’t want to say goodbye.

    Later, you asked: “What do you think he will be thinking of me? I guess I’m asking to think of what chances I still have left
 none I guess.”-

    Sometimes couples do find each other again after a breakup, when something shifts and reconnection becomes possible. But in Philip’s case, the way he responded—the words he used, the emotion behind them—suggests he’s protecting a very strong boundary right now. As hard as it is to hear, reactions like that often mean someone doesn’t feel safe re-engaging, even if their feelings are mixed.

    That doesn’t mean you didn’t matter. You did. The connection, the long calls, the closeness—they were real. But not all real things are meant to last. Sometimes love teaches us through departure.

    His thoughts are not the only mirror of your worth, Emma. You are not defined by his silence or his rejection. You are still becoming—still discovering who you are when you’re not wrapped around someone else.

    You asked if I’ve ever felt similar regret. What comes to mind is something from high school. I used to fantasize endlessly about a boy in my class named Robert. I’d never had a boyfriend, never kissed anyone, never dated. One night after a youth group meeting, he offered to walk me home so I wouldn’t be alone in the dark. It was my first chance to be alone with him—and I said “no.” Not because I didn’t want to, but because fear took over. And afterwards, the part of me that had dreamed of that moment deeply regretted saying no.

    You asked about my mother—whether she doubted me to help me improve. The truth is, I don’t remember her wanting me to improve. What I remember is her punishing me for thinking “wrong,” feeling “wrong,” doing “wrong.” If I said nothing, she’d accuse me of thinking something she disapproved of, just from my facial expression. If I spoke, she’d dissect my words—pointing out contradictions with things I’d said days, months, even years earlier. The voice in my head still echoes her sometimes: You thought this wrong. You weren’t exact. Make it exact. Make it uncriticizable. But like I said—it’s getting softer.

    And back to you again, Emma. You wrote: “I hate myself for breaking up with him.”-

    Please don’t meet your pain with hate. Meet it with compassion. You were afraid, overwhelmed, trying to protect something inside you. You didn’t fail. You responded with the tools you had at the time. Hate will deepen the wound. Compassion makes room for healing. It truly changes everything.

    I’ve carried self-hate and rejection for years. But the shift toward self-compassion—still relatively recent—is making all the difference in my life. If I could go back to that night with Robert, things might have unfolded differently. Back then, I didn’t like myself. I thought, If he walks me home, he’ll find out how unacceptable I am. So I said no.

    But if I had thought well of myself—if I’d liked myself—I might’ve thought, Maybe Robert will like me too. And I would have said yes.

    It’s never too late to say yes to ourselves, Emma. Start there. Gently.

    I’m here with you.

    Warmly, Anita đŸ€

    July 3, 2025 at 11:13 am #447314
    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your answer. And for telling me, that I am not irrational – I already Philip in the beginning that I used to not start on relationships out of the fear of the break up, which has always been such a long and difficult proces, sdue to these loops – even though I have only known Philip for about 4 weeks. Friends tell me I should not cling so much to him, wondering why I can’t let go – I think this might be the reason. Even though the realization that he is not coming back, as friends had be telling me too, hurts, it makes total sense and it should make it easier to let go at some point…otherwise I would always doubt if I should go on with soemone else. I think I felt so safe with Philip too, in ways: yes the ong interesting calls, but also, I guess, maybe that he is not so soft – which made me feel I can be the soft one. I guess I am going on the date, then, maybe it’s good to try and meet new people. Iwas so touched when I saw the little moments in Philip when he did let go of his guard, slowly..I put my head on his shoulder, one time, while watching a movie. He now and then put his head on mine, as in a reaction I guess. Though not all the time, maybe that was the vulnerability showing…or that he really liked it when I took his hand after the first date…that was so cute, and I was so surprised he liked that, seeing he had this tough exterior. Even though it really pains me to move on and I prefered it if I did not have too – I think I will keep him as my special person and memory, hoping he will still have a few good memories of me too. But what do you think has made him feel most unsafe? Would it have been the hot-cold, or me calling him ‘disrespectful’ and ‘very judgmental’ in that discussion. I did see he had stated on his updated dating profile that he warned the women that he is direct and such. It’s just…I hope he will realize that I really liked him for him…I have not had a way to tell him, that me finding him ‘disrespectful’ may have had more to do with my fear of criticism. Even though he has had similar criticism from other people..I wondered – he told me repeatedly in the beginning that “people who beat around the bush”, were easily hurt by words, and were telling others to behave morally (cause he said he lacked empathy himself, which…I wonder if that’s true) were not his kind of people. But he also said he could have learned from me – I think precisely in learning how to communicate more subtly. So interesting how he could dislike and envy the same thing in people. He also sounded liek he really respected one of his high school deans, for being so calm and giving him space to tell his story, when he had been expelled from one of his classes again. To be honest, i admired Philip for being so daring – he once said he told one of the religion teachers “I eat God’s word” after he ripped out pages from the Bible because he was in a row with the teacher. Haha I would have never dared it. I heard that hods that have had a very strict upbringing, tend to get aggressive, have difficulty with authority, and a lack of empathy later on in life. It did sound like him – and like me a bit, if I’m honest. Even though I tend to feel for others too much at times, I also can detach easily if I need space, which may hurt others.
    So…you think it may not automtically be he does not like me at all, anymore? Even though he will never reach out again? I hope he will at least still like parts of me, even if we will never meet again. Hopefully that’s why he could not be friends, at first, before I criticized him, making him dislike me even more, possibly. I guess he has lost trust in me, to be how he is: blunt; but you know, he told me one time, that what he really needed was care and softness, and that I calmed him down. He sounded surprised by his own words, as he, I believe, was convincing himself, out loud, that someone more feisty would have ended up in constant rows. I think it must be difficult for him: finding someone caring who can handle his bluntness – but maybe not. I believe his mother was very feisty., and his father very strict – poor guy, maybe he is avoidant, not really trusting people with his emotions…
    One of his closest friends told him not to bee too angry with me, first time he had to convince me to stay – I wonder why his friend can correct his behavior, but not me..
    I guess Philip reminded me too much of my father and brother, in the moment, telling me what I can’t and can believe – I met him at the wrong time, if I were further on my journey, and had learned how to deal with boundaries and such, it might have been better. Even though I did not really care for the amount of discussions, and the fact that Philip clearly disliked stupidity in people, and I can be sort of naive/vague at times.
    I would have liked to have him in my life, even as friends – but maybe that would have been too difficult as he would be dating others.

    Oh, so interesting how you story with Robert sounds similar to mine with Philip. How you declined his offer to getting to know you, because you did not like yourself. I”m sorry you have through that as well. Do you think that moment had come out of the doubt your mother placed inside of you? As what I can see, you are a very beautiful person, but it is hard to see from within, sometimes. Have you thought about him for long, after that? It sounds like you also acted out of self protection.

    That sounds tough as well, your mother constantly doubting your words – it sounds like she was afraid you would criticize her while you were not at all! Looking for any negativity in your words? Could it have been a reflection of her own insecurities? Painful for you how she ‘applied’ it to you (I don’t know which English verb to use best there, haha). I can imagine that voice has been very petrifying in moments, so that you would constantly doubted yourself.

    mmm….is that how it works? I constantly doubt myself as well – if getting angry about something is justified – which causes me to ask any of my friends/family if they would be angry in that moment, so I know if am allowed to be.

    Thank you, for telling me about compassion – and you are so right – I did not even understand what was going on inside of me…I guess I felt like I may have had control over myself if I would have thought more clearly, but I think things happened in such unconscious ways – the push and pull, the fear that came up when he did not make new plans with me, me being afraid I had said something wrong if he did not react at times – and then pulling away when I came up with new things why he could reject me later on. I read avoidants do talk about other women often, and about ‘phantom exes’, this made me very insecure as well. They say it’s to create insecurity/distance so the avoidant has control. But you mentioned this before, why do you think he wanted control?

    Oh, if I may ask, was you self-hate based on anything that had happened before, or something your parents said or so? I think that was the case with me. But it is good to hear that self-compassion has alleviated your pain as well.

    Thank you, Anita, for telling me all this, it is a very warm message, and I am so happy you are here with me. It really helps to hear someone else’s view, and you really opened my eyes about how Philip may have been self protecting too. One more thing…I have a feeling he may have been scared of women, somehow. Telling me he never knew women liked him, when he was young. talking about guys, how they would know better how a guy works, what feels good to them…he also seemed afraid women would take advantage of him – it was atheme in many stories he told me. And he was surprised how I gave him care, instead of just him giving care to his exes.It hurts to think how he may find soemone else who will be able to stay with him, someone a bit more developed mentally, not taking things personally, someone more secure whose self-doubt won’t get in the way. He seemed understanding at times, of what I was going through, that I was just scared of rejection, telling me you got to take a chance if you want romance. But what he did not know was that I was so surprised that he liked me. I never told him, apart from in the letter I left him, which he probably did not even read.

    Thank you for being here, Anita, it means a lot
    <3 Emma

    July 3, 2025 at 11:21 am #447315
    J.
    Participant

    *hods=kids

    hahaha typo

    July 3, 2025 at 12:04 pm #447316
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    I’m not very focused at the moment and didn’t get to read everything in your most recent post—so I’ll just respond to a few parts, quoting them and offering some thoughts:

    “Thank you for being here, Anita, it means a lot.”- And thank you, Emma, for being here. It means a lot to me too 🙂

    “But what do you think has made him feel most unsafe? Would it have been the hot-cold, or me calling him ‘disrespectful’ and ‘very judgmental’ in that discussion?”- It might have been those things—but I wonder if what felt most unsafe was the moment you contacted him after he blocked you, and when you showed up at his building uninvited. That could have crossed a boundary he wasn’t prepared to navigate.

    “So
you think it may not automatically be he does not like me at all, anymore?”- I truly can’t imagine anyone not liking you, Emma. You’re thoughtful, sensitive, and always trying to understand—qualities that I admire!

    “That sounds tough as well, your mother constantly doubting your words—it sounds like she was afraid you would criticize her while you were not at all!”- That’s very perceptive—and honestly, I hadn’t thought of it that way until you said it. She really was afraid of being criticized, even when I wasn’t criticizing her. Thank you for helping me see that.

    “Oh, if I may ask, was your self-hate based on anything that had happened before, or something your parents said or so?”- Yes, mostly things my mother said—over and over, in ways that settled deep inside. I only have one memory of my father before he left, when I was about five or six. Neither of them seemed to think or feel much about me emotionally. I wasn’t even an afterthought.

    “He also seemed afraid women would take advantage of him—it was a theme in many stories he told me.”- That recurring fear of being taken advantage of—especially by women—makes me worry even more about the chance of him reconnecting with you. 😔 It’s not your fault, and not something you can fix, but it does shape how he sees closeness.

    This weekend will be busy for me, and I may not have much time or energy to write until Monday. It’s possible I’ll check in sooner, but I’m not sure yet.

    You’re welcome to reply to what I’ve written here—maybe just a short note so I can respond a little. I’m looking forward to talking more next week. Please take good care of yourself until then.

    Warmly, Anita đŸ€

    July 3, 2025 at 2:36 pm #447319
    J.
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    No problem, I will keep it short! Don’t feel obliged to answer by the way – we can always speak again next week!

    Mmm yes, Anita, you’re right – it must have been scary for Philip that i kept contacting him, I really should not have. Maybe I felt to anxious, and even could not accept that now he did not want me anymore, eventhough he had given me several chances before. Kind of scary that I did not respect it, really.

    Oh yes, I did not even think of it, that his presumed fear of being taken advantage of got triggered in the situation with me. But how? It was never my aim..he was negative about women in other ways too, struck me. Saying it would be perfectly normal for him that if a man and woman got pregnant by accident, but he was of higher class and his family wanted him to marry someone of higher rank than that woman, it would be fine for the man to buy her and the baby an apartment if they should never contact him. I found that kind of cold.

    Ahh thanks for being so kind with your compliments!

    Ah yes, It was just a thought of me, that maybe you’re mother was afraid of being criticized in your words, though very unjustified I imagine.

    Oh my, that must have been very difficult, feeling your parents were not there…I can’t imagine. Was there a reason, were they busy with all sorts of things? Can imagine that must have had painful effect on you..a child cannot make sense of something like that, right? If the parents do not what feels like their duty..

    Have a lovely busy weekend, Anita!

    <3 Emma

    July 3, 2025 at 8:36 pm #447322
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Emma:

    Thank you for your thoughtful message—and for being so understanding about my energy this weekend. I really appreciate your openness and the way you’re reflecting on everything with such honesty.

    What you said about feeling anxious and not being able to accept that Philip didn’t want contact anymore
 I think many of us have been there in some way. It’s painful, especially when there’s still longing or confusion. But the fact that you can look at it now with clarity and care—that’s growth, Emma. Truly.

    And yes, that story he told you about the man, the woman, and the baby
 it is cold. It says a lot about how he views relationships and responsibility. I’m glad you noticed that and trusted your reaction. Sometimes we sense something is off long before we can explain why.

    Thank you also for your kind words about my parents. No, there wasn’t a clear reason—they just weren’t emotionally available. They didn’t have a heart for me. Or for themselves 😔

    And you’re right, Emma: a child can’t make sense of that. It leaves a kind of a loud-kind of silence that takes a long time to understand.

    Wishing you a peaceful weekend too, Emma. I’m looking forward to continuing our conversation next week.

    With care, Anita đŸ€

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