Dear Veronica:

You are welcome. Learn and heal from your experience best you can. No need to get back with him and change things, not a good idea. But you can learn and heal so that you can be a good person with people you didn’t meet yet.

In my own experience, a few years ago I was still feeling very guilty over a certain behavior (involving physical aggression). I felt guilty for over twenty years until I realized that there is only one thing that makes it okay for me to no longer suffer this guilt, and that is that I worked very hard, by that point, to heal from what caused me to do that behavior.

There was and is no way for me to travel back in time and change what happened. If it was possible I would cross deserts and mountains so to not harm a particular person. But I can’t. What I can do is learn and heal so to not repeat that aggressive behavior with anyone, so to become a good person.

anita

Dear Veronica:

I will be back to the computer in about ten hours from now and will reply to your recent post. I didn’t understand regarding your first sentence- what closure do you want with him and how do you think you can get that closure?

Also, to make sure, the cheating (texting nudes) was that done while in the relationship with you or was it during one of the breakups?

One more thing- did he ignore you following one of the time you  prosecuted/persecuted him (what we discussed recently)?

And one last thing: how did he manipulate you?

anita

Dear Veronica:

You wrote that you want to “make sense of it all”. I re-read and studied your posts trying to make sense of it best I can. It wasn’t easy, but this is my best understanding at this point of what happened:

It was a two year (about March 2017-March 2019) on-again, off- again rollercoaster relationship. The first breakup was in May 2017 and the most recent this month, March 2019.

A year into the relationship, you found out that he exchanged nude photos with other girls and sexted. But the whole year before this finding,  it was already a rollercoaster relationship with the first breakup being two months into the relationship.

A very significant reason why the relationship was a rollercoaster is that you have been emotionally unhealthy. Before I proceed, I want to recommend that you attend quality psychotherapy as soon as possible so to put in motion your healing process. Having been myself emotionally unhealthy, I know that with the help of a capable psychotherapist, and with your hard work and perseverance, you can heal emotionally, distorted thinking can be corrected and untrue beliefs changed so to fit reality.

You wrote yourself, “I’ve been pretty paranoid… paranoid and bitter… my mind would go to the worst case scenario and become paranoid all over again”.

Paranoid, bitter and angry you tortured this young man as if he was a criminal: “I got so mad… to give him the benefit of the doubt… I was speaking to him rudely…I was rude… I went to his house to confront him…he gets super defensive.. he always said: ‘I’m trying to defend myself’.. he admitted to me that… he hung out… with the intent to have sex… I got mad…he probably did get tired of being accused… it wasn’t fair to him to be accused all the time”.

You have looked for evidence against him: “I saw something on his social media that lead me to believe…  (and a year later,) I got this weird gut feeling to go through his phone and I found messages..”. You then confronted him with your evidence. Next he defended himself, “telling me something never happened or he never said..”, and he stops calling you, not wanting more of the same torture.

You wrote: “He would become manipulative by telling me something never happened.. making me seem crazy as if everything I said, I made up to make him look bad”-

-I don’t think he was manipulative when he denied your accusations, I think he was an accused man, tortured by his accuser, defending himself. I don’t think you made up your accusations, instead, you looked for things to accuse him by investigating his social media and phone records.

You wrote: “I’m trying to make sense out of how can someone be so sweet, caring, talk about planning a future with me but then turn around and be cold, disrespectful, and ignore me. I don’t get it… I just don’t understand how someone can be so sweet, caring.. but then turn around and cheat, manipulate, ignore me, and be mean”-

-when a person is being accused and abused, again and again, the person’s affection and sweetness naturally change to anger and coldness. The abused person naturally gets angry, all abused people get angry. And they naturally want to get away from the abuser. What happens is that the abuser then accuses the abused for getting angry and wanting to get away, adding these accusations the original accusations. This is what you did: you accused him of getting angry back and you accused him of trying to get away from you in addition to the original accusations, whatever they were at any one time.

You wrote: “I have this feeling to fight for him but maybe cause that’s what I’ve always doe”- what you have done with him repeatedly from the beginning was not to fight for him, but to fight against him. Again and again.

As I wrote, I hope you attend quality psychotherapy. Trying t0 get back with him so to fight against him some more is not a good idea. You are likely to look for more evidence against him, confront him, not being able to tell if he says the truth to you, doubting it, looking for more evidence against him and on and on and on.

This dynamic is likely to happen again in a new relationship unless you take on the healing process.

If you want to respond to this, please do and I would be glad to continue communicating with you.

anita

I’m gonna go with a different analogy on this and it’s very clear.

Do you love him?

If answer is yes then you need to “fight” because in our lives we truly love only few people.

Also, when it comes to “time heals” quotes and “love yourself” just be warned it has nothing to do in situations where you truly love someone. If you don’t “fight” believe me, life will make “coincidental” things happen in your life that will make you fight for this love of yours. When true love is in the air, you cannot escape it.