First a little background info. I’m a 32 year old female, in a four month relationship with a 35 year old male. We are exclusive, and as far as I know we are pursuing a long-term relationship. We’ve had a few short discussions about what we both want and with some probing, he has said he is on board with a relationship with me, and is not interested in dating anyone else. It’s not that I really doubted this, but he is not vocal about declaring exactly what he wants, nor about how he feels. He is most demonstrative in action and consistency. He makes efforts to see me (we live an hour a way from each other), text me, he plans dates, pays for quite a bit, helps around my home, etc. We spent this past Christmas together, one day with his family, one day with mine, and that was quite a bit of a step for him I feel. He had not introduced anyone to family in about 8 years.

There are a few sore spots in our relationship, but they are minor. One, he has met a few of my friends (we spent new years with my one friend just the three of us). He does not see his friends as often as I do (usually about one to two times a month), but he has not extended any invitation for me to join him when he does. I even asked him why recently, and he said he’s waiting for a casual gathering, and he doesn’t see them often. Also that there is limited room at their place. I feel like there is more to that story, but I don’t press. I know that if he wanted to introduce me he would find a way, so I’m getting a little disheartened and am trying not to believe he’s ashamed of me or something. His friends are all married and professionals (teachers and such). I know that introducing me will mean things are more serious, and it is probably a big step for him to introduce someone to that particular group. He went out twice around the holidays with friends and I wasn’t invited out on either occasion. He told me that he told them about me, but I don’t really think they know much. I makes me anxious because I think that a lot of articles preach that meeting the friends is a sign that he’s serious and if you’re not it’s a red flag. He lives with his parents at the moment, and will for a brief time, so I met them quite early on, but Christmas was a bit more formal with his sibling and them.

I really don’t know much about his past relationships, except that he has only had a few long term ones and they all lasted a year and a bit at most. He seems emotionally reserved, and yet he does not hold back affection and quite a bit of it makes me feel quite loved. He is my ultimate match in terms of affection, well almost. I feel like I will always be a bit more touchy and giving in that department. He will often give forehead kisses, look deeply into my eyes, give passionate kisses (in and out of the context of sex). The sex with him is also easily the best sex I’ve had in my life, it’s as though I stumbled upon my drive when I met him. I feel we connect really well. We do engage quite a bit outside of the bedroom, and have gone on local trips, we go out to eat, to museums, shows etc. I met him online and had a moment of recognition when I saw his profile and had the same event happen when I met him in person. I felt safe, and at home. Lucky. I also acted like a complete fool on our first date. I’ve been writing letters to him (that I don’t send) since our first date, as I want to remember the set of emotions I felt as our relationship progressed.

Now I quite surely have an anxious attachment style, but I cannot say what I would label him as. I am aware of my insecurities and I question my thoughts as they arise, or I try to sit with them before acting. I know I have issues from the past that tend to hover over new relationships, so I have been less than impulsive in this one. I am usually one to be quite verbal expressive with my feelings, but in this relationship I have held back quite a bit more. I will often stick to telling him what I appreciate about his actions and how grateful I am to spend time with him, to have met him etc. I will also tell him he is handsome. He is slightly insecure and will often believe I am “blowing smoke up his ass” but he says he likes hearing it all the same. He will often reciprocate but he is not one to be lavish with compliments of my beauty or otherwise on his own. The most he has verbally expressed is that “this has been the best ______ ever”, whether it’s been Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE.. He also tends to let ideas slip about what we might do in the future, or where we could go. Otherwise, he’s pretty quite about how he feels.

My dilemma is that lately I’ve come to realize I love him. It’s almost as if I was denying it for a little as well, because ultimately if I realize this, it means I have something to lose. I have not said I love you first in the past. I’ve been in three long term relationships (one 2 years, 5 years and 3 years). I also don’t know how meaningful it was for me when I did say it. I just felt excited enough about the relationship at the time. This relationship is quite a bit more meaningful to me, and I have almost let “I love you” slip twice. The two times it almost happened, I cried a bit silently, but he did not notice as it was dark and we were cuddling. In one instance, he did look down at me, and kissed my forehead. Almost this moment of recognition.

I have pondered a lot what it will mean for me to say this and why I want to say it. As an anxious individual, naturally in the past I’ve required a lot of reciprocation and I would declare “I like you” to get reassurance in a relationship. This is not the case in this relationship. I am sure that there is care, although I am not sure that he is aware of his own feelings yet. I do feel love when I am with him. I am okay with him not reciprocating and progressing at his own pace. My only true worries are that with this declaration I will inadvertently put pressure on the relationship and his ability to express his feelings to me. I’ve sat with it for some time, to know that I will be sincere in saying it and I could wait, though it is bursting inside of me a bit. I have a friend who’s significant other waited a year for her to say it first, because he knew she was more uncomfortable with the phrase. I want to be authentic with myself and not hold it in out of fear, but I want to be compassionate with him and allow him a chance to feel comfortable enough to hear it. I don’t know enough about his past relationship to understand why it might be hard for him, but I get the feeling that it may be. I am really trying to be as mindful and delicate as I can with it, but I am starting to feel like I am holding a grenade.

I have made peace with the impermanence of relationships, and ultimately if a declaration of love ruins this one, it was likely not on very firm footing to begin with. And still, due to the difference of feelings for this man, I don’t wish to ruin it so soon, if I could wait just a little longer.