Should I continue to pursue

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This topic has 15 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by Matic.

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September 13, 2015 at 12:14 am #83228

Matic
Participant

Hi guys and gals. First of I want to apologize for any mistakes I make. English is not my native language. 🙂

So here is my situation. First off I want to emphasize that this is not causing me anxiety or fears or anything like that. I had many situations like this in my life and so I learned to cope with them. I just want to do the right thing for both parties involved.

About a month ago I met this girl (24 years, me 21 years). I met here when we went to watch a meteorite shower. We talked the whole evening (about 4 hours) and did some joga in pairs right then and there. She also told me that she will be traveling in a few months and that she will be gone for half a year. We had a really good time, so I asked for her number and she gave it to me. We met in a more crowded scenery (a lot of mutual friends) once again and again we hit it off. Then I asked her out and she said yes. Again we had a blast. We went for sushi, then some wine, and then for a pizza. The whole “date” was 5 hours long. Sparks were flying. She invited me to a social gathering the next night. Because I was driving I couldnt drink, but she convinced me that I can sleep in here roomates bed so I should have a drink. Long story short, we both got drunk and she practicly draged me into here bed, not that I objected, and we had very passionate sex. I kind of almost blew it, because at first I said no. My reasoning was that if we wanted a relationship we should take things slowly, but when I brought it up she said a relationship cant happen because long distance relationships dont work. I wholeheartedly agreed and then we had sex.

My understanding of the whole situation is that we were in a casual relationship of sorts. The girl was obviously interested in me, which she drunkenly confessed the previous night, but the next monrning when we woke up I felt some hesitation from here side.

We met a couple of days later to watch a movie. Her hot and cold attitude persisted so I asked her what is up. She told me she would rather just stay friends because she does not want to complicate things. She said that she was in this sort of situation before and that feelings got hurt, because the boys “caught” feelings. This kind of pissed me of, because I am definitely not like other guys. I indeed am very emotional, but I would rather love and get hurt then dont love at all. Also I can control my emotions very well and I am almost certain I would not get heartbroken. I didnt let my anger show, and just said that I completely understand and that I did not take it personaly and that we can stay friends.

But as it turns out I really do like this girl. I understand and fully accept that there will not be a relationship in this point in time but I dont think that that should stop us from having a good time, as we are really good together. What I am struggling with now is should I honor the “agreement” we made and dont make any moves, or should I go all in and try to get things rolling again. I am not afraid for myself but I dont want to hurt here somehow. Also I am in to deep and I think I cant really see the whole picture and I dont really understand her thinking, so if someone as a third objective party could maybe just give me an insight into here thinking.

Thanks a bunch guys for reading this.

Matic

September 13, 2015 at 5:00 am #83230

Inky
Participant

Hi Matic,

A half a year may seem like forever but it’s not! Think of it this way: When she returns, you can pick up where you left off! I think she likes you and wanted to take what she could get before she goes away and it’s too late. Unfortunately, everyone “catches” feelings, not just girls and not just guys! That’s why it felt so awkward the next day. You ultimately hit it off and then have to play cool.

I say be friends. But be warm and affectionate while she’s around. Occasionally contact her while she’s gone. Then when she returns see where you both are!

Good Luck!

Inky

September 13, 2015 at 5:46 am #83231

Matic
Participant

Thanks for your advice. There is still a month and a half until she goes away so I think I will take your advice and just hang out with here and we will see how things progress. 🙂

Thanks for the good wishes.

Have a great day!

Matic

September 13, 2015 at 12:18 pm #83260

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Matic:

maybe the girl feels that loving feelings is a disease and is more concerned of catching the disease herself than for you catching it. Maybe she is recovering or has recovered from the fever and is now…. cold. Maybe after her bout with fever and disease she will be okay for a while until she gets the bug again, until she gets lonely and then rush into the fever and get her fix again and then stay disease-free.

anita

September 13, 2015 at 3:25 pm #83264

lovelimess
Participant

Interesting. Let us know how this pans out. I’m curious.

Best,
LM

September 13, 2015 at 4:44 pm #83267

Lori
Participant

Hey Matic,

I say honor your agreement and don’t make any moves. For now keep it light and fun, and also get out and meet more girls. If, after half a year, you still have strong feelings for this girl, see where it goes. You seem like a great guy with a lot to offer. My guess is that she already knows how you feel about her. By honoring your agreement, you are showing her your integrity and sincerity. But don’t wait around for her. Keep getting out and meeting people. In 6 months your feelings for her may change.

Lori

September 14, 2015 at 4:36 am #83306

Matic
Participant

Thanks guys for the support. I definetely intend to honor the agreement. I deserve someone who I dont have to fight for at the very begining. I know that love is a lot of work as I have been in a long term committed relationship before but I do not think I should persuade someone to like me. I will hang out with her, be friendly, lend a hand if she needs it and will keep my ears open if she decides I am the one she wants to confess in but I will definetely not be pushing for a relationship. The ball is in her court.

When me and my now ex broke up a while ago I read a lot about the human psyche when it comes to love so I know the last thing I should do is to obsess about her. There are a lot of quality girls out there and because I am a quality man myself I am sure love is bound to happen to me eventualy. Therefore I refuse to put this girl on a pedestal. I am also quite happily single so if I just do my own thing and keep living life to the fullest everything will turn out for the best.

Thanks for supporting me. I trully am thankful. 🙂

I will keep you posted on future developements if there are any. I will be seeing this girl quite a lot this week so things will probably get a little clearer.

September 14, 2015 at 9:55 am #83319

Anonymous
Guest

dear Matic:

I like your post above: I like it that you see yourself as a quality man. I like it that you refuse to put her on a pedestal. That you are quite happy being single. And I hope to read future posts by you,

anita

September 14, 2015 at 10:30 am #83321

Matic
Participant

Anita thanks. I always like to read your posts because they are so insightful and you always want to know more about a situation so you can really give the person some quality advice. I appreciate that. I will keep your future post comment in my head. I hope they I will be giving advice in them and not receiving it.

Thanks again.
Matic

September 15, 2015 at 11:59 pm #83428

Matic
Participant

Hi again!

So I guess I have an update for you just as some of you asked. 🙂

Yesterday I saw this girl again. I offered to help her with some of her work on her Masters degree so we met up yesterday.
She was just plain weird from my point of view. We talked and I asked a lot of questions. Some were very general and some were more in depth because I am trying to get to know this person. She did answer the questions but never asked anything back. So I was just quiet from that point on because these kinds of conversations are very emotionally draining for me. So to break the silence she eventually did ask some questions but they were very general. Essentialy she put no effort to get to know me and it kind of frustrated me.

I guess the frustration part comes from the change of attitude that came literally over night. I now know that she does not see me in a romantic way and that is okay because her attitude really turned me off and I also dont see her in that sort of light anymore. I guess I just dont understand what happened here and I dont really like to be ignorant about stuff, but I just have to accept I cant always understand what happens in peoples minds.

Thanks for reading again and I am sorry if the post is a little incoherent. I cant really help it, because my mind is also a little incoherent about what happened.

Have a great day.
Matic

September 16, 2015 at 5:31 am #83439

Inky
Participant

Hi Matic,

Unfortunately, there is a “Hook-Up” culture, especially in college. But, IMHO, it flies in the face of human nature. You are a wonderful, decent man, and one day, sooner rather than later, she’ll be kicking herself for letting such a person go so easily. I hope you find someone worthy of you!

Best,

Inky

September 16, 2015 at 5:41 am #83442

Matic
Participant

Thanks for this post Inky. I really appreciate your words of encouragment and I shall take them as an omen of future great things to come! 🙂

Matic

September 16, 2015 at 8:25 am #83445

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Matic:

Glad you posted an update. I was thinking as I read it that the decent, capable woman that will be involved with you in the future will be fortunate because of your insight and depth- qualities I very much appreciate, your motivation to find out more, to dig under the surface, to look for the real essence of things and people. Now, i would appreciate these qualities. Some women wouldn’t as their values are different. And I suppose it is about getting involved with a woman who is motivated by the same things as you do.

This woman you are writing about, I get more of a feel that she dived into intimacy as in a binge- as in all-you-can eat affair in a restaurant, enjoyed it and now she is in her… food-restricting phase. I am substituting food for love, of course. Binge- restriction-binge-restriction. And in the binge phase I don’t know how selective she is about the food she eats/ the man she is involved with. Something triggered her, something- she liked. But that was not a deep kind of a relationship, it was a binge, is my understanding.

Now, you are a quality young man, Matic, deserving of a fine dining experience, not being someone all-you-can-eat limited-time buffet…!

anita

September 16, 2015 at 8:47 am #83447

Matic
Participant

Dear Anita!

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to hear such words from such people as yourself and Inky.

I think I am forced to agree on this with you. But I have no worries because of this. This was an experience just like any other and I will try to get as much out of it as I can in terms of personal growth. Already through this experience and an unrelated and non-sexual argument with another friend, I discovered that I take everything very personally. I tend to identify with peoples negative opinions or negative behaviour when directed at me, while I tend to brush aside positive attitude. Do not misunderstand. I love myself very much and I have high confidence, but this self love is only very recent (couple of months or less) so I suspect I will face a few setbacks in this area until self love really is natural to me and when it trully becomes my modus operandi.

Also I discovered that when people have negative attitude towards you should not blame yourself. All you can do is control how you behave. You may never understand the motives behind someones actiones so all you can do is be as kind, understanding and compassionate towards your fellow humans and forgive them their behaviour. You then control the situation by either trully accepting that person as he is or distancing yourself from him.

I am sorry if I went a little off topic here but I wanted to take the chance and share what I discovered about myself and maybe it will help someone who is in a similar “pickle”!

Thanks again!

Matic

September 16, 2015 at 9:12 am #83448

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Matic:

Examine this: the fact that you “tend to identify with peoples negative opinions or negative behaviour when directed at me, while I tend to brush aside positive attitude” does not indicate that you do not love yourself and that if you work on yourself more, this tendency will no longer be there. Such thinking creates an unrealistic expectation that will stand in your way of personal growth:

In nature, animals (and we are animals!) are supersensitive to danger, to the … negative. Animals evolved that way so to survive. the goal of animal surivival is not that the animal will be happy, but that the animal will be, will physically survive. We did not evolve to be happy, to love ourselves, but to physically survive. This is the origin of the tendency to notice and be affected MORE by negative signals in our environment than by the positive.

So it is going to be something that is here to stay, this tendency, strengthened by millions of years of evolution. don’t try to change nature- just be aware of it. Accepting it will weaken it over time, not make it disappear.

anita
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