* correction in the first sentence: that her lying and deception about her ex

Dear Paradoxy,

I know that I am behaving like I don’t learn from my mistakes Tee please forgive me.

I am sorry you are suffering so much, and I am not judging you at all. I know how it is to do things that are self-destructive, or against our best interests, but to keep doing them still, to not be able to stop. It’s like an addiction, it’s stronger than us.

The thing is I know better but I have a lot of pride and I can’t seem to let go of it. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of believing that she was right all along.

It is like the saying “Imagine being bitten by a snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the poison, you’re trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn’t deserve that.” I can’t seem to be able to get myself out of that mindset.

Okay, so you are aware that she is like a snake, but you still have the urge to prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten – that you are a good person, right?

Because she is portraying you as a bad person, as an abuser, and you want to prove it to her that she is wrong. So I guess you want to prove it to her that you are a good, loving person. That your intentions are pure, right?

EVEN IF I WAS LYING, THERE IS NO WAY TO PROVE MY INTENTIONS. That is what I hate the most.

Okay, so you want to prove it – to her – that your intentions are pure. I see a theme, the main striving of yours: to prove that you are a good person and that your intentions are pure. Would that be true?

Even though she is so wrong, she hit my ego really really hard and I don’t like it. She has successfully hit me where I am most vulnerable.

But she is hitting me hard where it hurts the most and idk how to deal with it. The way she describes everything just makes me question my reality and doubt everything I have done and it is driving me further into depression cause everything I did and trying to do seems pointless.

It seems to me that the place you are most vulnerable is believing (at least a part of you believes it) that you are bad. That you are an abuser. That you cause other people pain. And that’s exactly one of your false core beliefs, which we’ve identified before: “I am the source of pain for others.”

So the dynamic is: one part of you (your inner child) believes he is a source of pain for others. And he is trying to prove that he isn’t. He is trying to prove that he is a good, loving boy, with pure intentions, and that he doesn’t want to hurt anybody.

The problem is that he is trying to prove that to people who lack empathy and understanding. People who are unable to understand. People who refuse to listen. People who are accusing him, instead of seeing how hurtful their behavior is.

And who are these people? B. And your parents.

So that’s what you are dealing with, Paradoxy. A childhood wound that you are trying to heal with the wrong means.

As you said, you have been wounded (by a snake), and instead of tending to the wound, you are trying to catch the snake and prove it to her that you didn’t deserve to be bitten. That you are a good guy, with pure intentions, who doesn’t want to cause her pain.

Does the snake listen, is she trying to understand? No, she bites you once again… and again… finding more and more “proofs” how bad and insincere you are.

And so, by engaging with the snake, your inner child gets wounded more and more. With each interaction, he gets a confirmation of his false belief: that he causes pain to others.

That’s why this is happening:

The way she describes everything just makes me question my reality and doubt everything I have done and it is driving me further into depression cause everything I did and trying to do seems pointless.

Exactly. Because in the interaction with the snake, the wound of your inner child gets deeper. And it causes you to feel even more helpless and depressed.

So what’s the way out? You need to tend to the wound of your inner child, properly. Which means: you need to stop interacting with the snake. Stop wanting any kind of validation from her. Get away from her. There is nothing she can give you except injuring you even more.

Can you see that?

And then you need to start healing your inner child. Which means: start loving yourself. Start having empathy and compassion for yourself – something that neither your parents or B had.

You need to give yourself empathy, rather than seek empathy from people who are unable to give it.

How does this sound?

Dear Paradoxy,

That is why I end up still responding to her when she asks me for help or when she comes to me for comfort, because despite everything she said, she knows that I am the only person who understands her the most.

What kind of comfort does she want from you, and in what form?

Apparently she exported my entire chat with my guy friend while I was unaware (I don’t have the habit of deleting things because I’ve never had anything to hide, which she knew) and she had been reading through my several year long chat with him, making false assumptions about things that I said, and now she thinks I fell out of love way before I found out about the January incident and she believes I had been cheating on her with the girl that inspired me to make a song, and more false accusations

I am appalled by the fact that she secretly exported your private conversation with your guy friend, and is now dissecting it and accusing you of all kinds of things. That’s so utterly wrong! I have no words!

despite everything she said, she knows that I am the only person who understands her the most.

No, dear Paradoxy. She knows that she can bite you endlessly and drain your energy. She maybe not only wants your money but to bleed you out completely, to see you powerless and defeated. This is what you said in the very beginning of your thread:

I treated her well to the best of my ability too. I stood by her in all of her struggles, helping her through her classes and helping her financially. As a med student, I don’t have time to go work a part time job so all i have is the money i saved up working over the years of my youth so I would even starve myself to ensure that she does not starve.

By offering her your help and “comfort”, after everything she has done to hurt you, you are actually offering yourself on her altar, to be sacrificed. I am sorry for using such morbid metaphors, but this is what it seems like, Paradoxy. You are offering to willingly bleed out for her – maybe not financially anymore, but emotionally yes. Because this is what is happening:

Unfortunately I have no evidence to prove her wrong and hearing her make these false accusations just keeps breaking me more and more. I have not slept one bit last night cause of the things she said. I have been crying all night, screaming in anger and frustration and agony, asking God what I did to deserve all of this.

So you are clearly suffering, she is destroying you emotionally, but at the same time you believe that being kind to a snake will change her mind about you:

I am the type of guy who is always willing to help someone in need without expecting anything in return, no matter what kind of grudge I have against them. It is my form of revenge to be precise, trying to prove that they were all wrong about me.

It’s not revenge, Paradoxy, because you are bleeding out, while trying to prove to the snake that you are a good guy. She will never admit that you are a good person, even if you let her bite you 100 times. She will only think that you are a fool. That you’re stupid and naive. Don’t think she has any respect for you. She is just using you, that’s all.

You would need to understand that you sacrificing yourself to her, till you bleed out completely, will not prove anything. It will only prove (to her) that you are a fool. It certainly won’t prove that you are a good and selfless person.

Whereas you are a good and selfless person indeed. But you are knocking at the wrong door.

Can you see that? That you need to stop helping her, because she will never acknowledge how good of a person you are, even if you sacrifice your all for her?

I’ll reply to the rest of your post a bit later…

Dear Paradoxy,

She comes to me whenever her work is over to rant about how her day went and etc and she likes talking about her problems to me but it is just comfort through texting, nothing more.

So sometimes she just complains about her stuff and you are her shoulder to cry on, but sometimes she steals private conversations from your phone and accuses you of your supposed “crimes” against her? So you are there to comfort her and have a nice word for her (i.e. be kind and supportive to her), but also to listen and agonize about her false accusations of you.

How perfect for her – you indeed giving your all, and she taking it all and accusing you that it’s not enough, that you are a bad person, with bad intentions, that you stopped loving her way earlier etc etc.

See? You are never enough, never worthy of her respect, no matter what you do.

But also, I would be careful of whatever she tells you about her problems at work and her supposed difficulties, because she has a habit of lying. I wouldn’t trust anything she says.

Just an example: She told you that her rich old guy friend, who visited from Spain, has pancreatic cancer (or some other deadly disease) and is close to his death:

she had already informed me about being invited by her girlfriends to go the concert and the guy friend was visiting from Spain after several years and it was the first time in a while he came to visit.

these men are like 60 or 70 years old, even her guy friend is married and close to his death (I think he has pancreatic cancer but I don’t remember exactly).

Well, someone with pancreatic cancer or any life threatening condition wouldn’t be able to travel from Spain to the Caribbeans to have fun at a pool party. Pancreatic cancer is the worst type, in the sense that it’s usually diagnosed when it’s already too late, and it takes the person away in a matter of months. So no way that he would be able to make such a trip.

Even if it’s not a pancreatic cancer but another life threatening disease, you don’t travel across the world, specially not without your loved ones (she said the guy is married). People with cancer do tend to travel with their loved ones to make memories, while they still can (before the disease has spread), but it’s always with their loved ones, not to have fun as a bachelor, with their male buddies. And it’s always to destinations closer to home, where they can access hospital if necessary, not across the Atlantic.

So, on both of those accounts, B’s story is a total fake. No way a terminally ill guy, who is married, would travel across the Atlantic to have a private party at the pool with his male friend and young local girls.

So… why would she be honest about anything else? Why would you believe any of her supposed “hardships” at work, with bad employers who want to take advantage of her, etc etc? It can all be fabricated. Perhaps not all, but you cannot tell for sure. Would a snake tell the truth?

Just that fact (her tendency to lie and fabricate things) would be a reason for me not to listen to anything she says, not to try to comfort her, not to try to help her. You were trying till now, but now it’s time to stop. Now your goal is to be strategic and get your laptop back, without engaging with her too much emotionally.

I am planning to cut my ties to her as soon as I get my stuff back, but she keeps bringing up excuses and asking for more time. She doesn’t have enough money to get a new laptop for her work so she can’t give me back my laptop and I will get in trouble if I don’t get the laptop back so I can’t just let her have it for free.

Yes, and that’s typical of her. More lies and excuses. She probably isn’t even planning to give you back your laptop. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came up with some lie about what happened to it, e.g. that it got stolen or something. Sorry, but I wouldn’t trust her one single thing.

She doesn’t have enough money to get a new laptop for her work

Why doesn’t her employer provide her with a laptop? It’s certainly not your duty. What is for sure is that you don’t need to stand by and tolerate her emotional abuse and false accusations, while at the same time being her shoulder to cry on and allowing that she is not returning your belongings and is finding excuses to drag the entire thing.

my stupid self does not like being cold to people in general. I am always kind and that kindness is my weakness here. I am being kind cause I don’t want the guilt to be nagging at me later on. It is like a pain for me cause I could walk by a beggar on the street and if he begs me for money and I say no, I end up constantly thinking about what the beggar said and wondering why I said no and also wondering if I should go back and give him some money.

This tells me that you don’t have any boundaries. Your parents never allowed you to have a will of your own, you had to do what you were told, no questions asked. You were not allowed to say No, to reject what you don’t like, and to go for what you do like. A simple example: you were forced to sit with adults and listen to their discussions, when you wanted to go out and play, like every other kid.

You were also taught that saying No means that you are a bad and selfish person. If you don’t comply with your parents’ wishes, you are a bad and selfish person. And so whenever you feel like saying No, you feel guilty about it.

That’s why, if a snake accuses you (falsely) of being a bad and selfish person, you believe her. And you try to be kind to her. Instead of protecting yourself from further abuse.

How do you even give yourself empathy? I will try to heal from all of this, but I think I need to change myself as a person overall.

It just occurred to me: having boundaries is a key aspect of self-love. Saying No to abuse, to people who are falsely accusing you, lying to you, manipulating you, and then have the audacity to seek your help and support. To people who are taking advantage of you. To people who are telling you you are selfish for not tolerating their abuse and their stepping on your head.

That would be the first. According to some therapists, we have three main needs in childhood: love, safety and boundaries. And you definitely weren’t allowed to have boundaries. None whatsoever. If you want to heal, you need to start setting boundaries, specially with people who want to hurt you.

A beggar, who asks you for a dime, might not want to hurt you. But B certainly does. So you might want to give a dime to a beggar, but please stop giving your all to B.

If you can’t get back your laptop for the time being, at least don’t allow her to bleed you out emotionally. Don’t try to comfort her when she comes with self-pity and fabricated problems. Even if you don’t block her phone, don’t engage, or be very curt, e.g. say “Ugh that’s tough.” And that’s it.

Whatever you do, don’t engage emotionally, don’t rush to offer help, even if she tries to guilt-trip you into helping her. Because it’s all a scam. Politely refuse, even if you have to say a white lie. E.g.”sorry I am really busy, don’t have time to talk”.

How does this sound? Is it too much? How do you feel about starting to set boundaries with her?

Dear Paradoxy,

ehhhh, it’s hard for me to read about B’s grip on you. I wish you could show her door, but you say you can’t, because you are waiting for her to give you back your laptop. Which btw might never happen, because she might keep coming up with excuses.

turns out my guy friend backstabbed me by adding more lies to the fuel… went behind my back and told her things that made her believe that I was cheating on her.

What exactly did he tell her?

She asked me not to tell anyone about her cheating, but I told my guy friend the truth about what she did, but I specifically told him not to tell her that I told him the truth. But instead, he went behind my back yesterday and went to tell her that I told him the full truth.

Did you tell him that she prostituted herself? Because that would be the full truth…. Not that I think you should have told him, but I am just asking…

It is amazing that you find enemies where you least expect it. The last person that I ever trusted.

He is not your enemy. She is. What you have been doing is fawning. That’s a trauma response, and it is what a victim does to please the bully, so that the bully wouldn’t harm them even more.

That’s what you’ve been doing: she is bullying you in every way imaginable, and now you believe that you have to entertain her and keep her “happy”, so she would give back your laptop.

You also believe that you have to keep secrets that incriminate her, so that her “good name” wouldn’t be tarnished. And when someone refuses to do that (your guy friend), you believe they are your enemy.

I remember that you had a similar reaction to your school friend, who informed her parents about your suicide attempt. You felt betrayed by her and cut ties with her, because you got in trouble with your parents once they found out about the whole thing:

This suicidal behavior caught the attention of my church/school friend who I spoke to about my depression and my suicidal thoughts and I specifically told her that it was just a feeling and I do not plan to act on it anymore and she should keep it between us but she told her parents about it, who told the church about it, who called my parents regarding the issue. My parents felt humiliated by that experience and was very angry with me, making me feel more of a burden. I could not forget that betrayal from her and I cut ties with her then.

You were more upset with your well-meaning school friend than with your parents who had a horrible, unempathic reaction to your suicide attempt. Similarly now with B, you are more upset with your guy friend, who is trying to help you, than with B, who keeps abusing you.

That’s a similar reaction: you are afraid of B (your bully), and are trying to appease her. And if someone pisses her off, you are mad at them, because that means more trouble for you (because she will torture you even more). Exactly the same as you felt about your parents.

Fawning is a self-protection mechanism, to protect yourself from a bully that you feel helpless to deal with.

This occurred to me now for the first time, but I think this is what’s happening. It’s a typical dynamic between an abuser and a victim who feels helpless to protect themselves from abuse.

Yes I have realized that, but it seems more like she twists the truth to satisfy her needs and she actively believes in the misunderstandings.

Yes, I know of people who believe in their own lies. That’s how they are able to maintain that they are never to blame and that someone else is guilty for their problems.

By the way she twists the truth, someone could borrow her stapler without asking and she would label it as severe theft. Is she lying about someone taking her stapler? No. But the way she describes it makes it seem as if someone stole from her even if that was not their intention.

Has she accused you (or someone you know) of stealing a stapler, even though the person didn’t steal it, but asked her if they can borrow it?

This spanish guy is an ass. He already had a woman he loved but instead of marrying her in their youth, he chose to “enjoy his youth” and only decided to get married recently when he got closer to his death.

Oh he got married when he needed someone to take care of him in his illness?

And he thinks that B should be consoled for the “trauma” that she had to go through in January

How is he consoling her? By giving her money? I cannot help but thinking that he is one of those rich old guys, whom her aunt was trying to fix her up with.

I know that. That is why I told u that she could have been manipulating things from the very beginning. We don’t know. And I don’t want to accuse her of manipulation without good enough evidence of it, just in case she just happened to be telling the truth, even if the chances are very slim.

Luckily, you are not engaged in a law suit with her. You don’t need to prove anything, neither to the Court, nor to her. It is enough to know what kind of person she is (a snake) and to stay away from her.

Of course, you don’t need to provoke her now, after the fact, by questioning various claims that she made over the course of your relationship. But just be aware. No need to prove anything – she has already “proven” herself.

I have to engage with her emotionally because otherwise she would just block me. I can’t get my stuff back if there is no means of communication.

Is there a proof in your phone that she has your laptop? I mean, do you mention it in your chats? Because you can use that in case she chooses to block you and never return it to you. Perhaps you can mention that you’ll be forced to turn to the authorities if she doesn’t return it. Just saying as a possible option. You don’t have to mention it now, you can give her some time. But perhaps it’s something to have as a last resort, if it comes to that.

And I can’t just go to her place and demand that she give me my stuff because a snake like her could scream and lie that I was attacking her or something, and as a woman, most people will believe her.

Yes, don’t do that, don’t try to get it back by force. But you can use the method I suggested above, because she might not be so daring any more.

Lol that is so accurate. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Oh yes, you can, Paradoxy. You cannot turn back time, but you can heal from your lack of boundaries. Because what you parents did to you has now a direct consequence on how you behave in the relationship with B, e.g. on your inability to defend yourself from her. You can change that. You don’t need to remain a doormat and victim till the end.

I already established the boundaries tho

You mean you refused to reconcile with her? Okay, that’s already something. It’s the first step, and I congratulate you for that, because I know it wasn’t easy for you. But beyond that, you haven’t established much else. She is still in control of you, I am afraid.

but I just keep falling for her guilt tripping and her attack on my sense of honor and morality. I have tried to be cold with her, but I cannot maintain it for long because someone like her will twist reality to satisfy her and it hurts my pride.

Yeah, she can provoke you in a second. And you have the need to defend yourself, with words and arguments. However, that’s not a real defense, because as you’ve said it yourself, with each such argument you feel worse and worse, more and more helpless and depressed. So your over-reactivity is your fall.

What would be a real defense? To refrain from getting into an argument. However, you can do that only if you are sure about who you are, about your identity: if you are sure that you are a good person, with pure intentions. If you doubt yourself, that’s your fall.

So you’d need to work on that. Heal your inner child who believes he is a bad and selfish kid if he wants anything for himself, if he wants to play rather than sit with boring adults, if he has any desires and wants of his own. And if he dares to oppose the will of his parents.

I have been crying all night, screaming in anger and frustration and agony, asking God what I did to deserve all of this. She just reminded me of how they all looked at me, my parents, my bullies, my classmates, the people I tried to make friends with. The more and more I realized that I was actually alone and the realization was breaking me cause I really had no one. Memories of them all saying the same thing, about me being useless, about me being a burden to them, about me being a problem they don’t want to deal with. Memories of everyone pushing me away, persons I saw as my own brothers and sisters at one point, ignoring me even when all I did was say hi, pushing me away, even to the point they even started blocking me. Even Anita got tired of me, that just goes to show that maybe I am the issue.

I am sorry you felt rejected and condemned by everyone. As I said before, I am sure that the lack of emotional support by your parents (and not only lack of support, but severe emotional abuse) contributed to you feeling that you are targeted by your peers. Because you had no support at home, you only had condemnation at home. So truly, you were alone. And then your peers’ bullying hurt much more.

As for your interaction with Anita, I believe that you were actually not rude with her, even though in the beginning you did argue a lot, with both of us. You did refuse her suggestions, very useful suggestions, such as the need to heal the inner child. But that’s your right to refuse it. Anita then withdrew from your thread, but has later returned to point out at your verbal abuse against B.

Whereas you did call B names, that was a reaction to B’s horrendous behavior with you. B was not only abusing you (with her lying, cheating, hiding her prostitution, etc), but was falsely accusing you that you made her do it. Because of your own attachments and blind spots, you couldn’t see B’s real colors, but believed she was oblivious (rather than manipulative) and needs to be “educated” on proper behavior. That’s what made you engage in endless arguments with B and attempts to make her “listen” and “understand”.

It seems to me that Anita focused more on those arguments and name calling, and less on B’s abuse, which was the precursor of those arguments and the precursor of your anger.

Anita said something which was a pretty strong assumption on her part, and it seems to me an incorrect assumption: that you love to hate B (“Like I said before, you love to hate her. If you had a girlfriend who was as perfect as can be, where would you direct all this hate that’s inside you?“)

Well, I have to admit, that wasn’t a very compassionate remark. And then you had a discussion about it, where you actually refused to accept the claims Anita made about your alleged hate, and explained to her why her posts weren’t that helpful to you. To which Anita got offended and told you that you’ve hurt her, in spite of her trying to help you. Well, I believe that you actually spoke your truth and stood up for yourself. What you said wasn’t hurtful, in my eyes, even though it might have hurt Anita.

Even with the case with Anita, it was not my intention to hurt her, but in the end that is what I did and I am to be blamed for that.

She was hurt, but you didn’t say anything hurtful. So you are not to blame. At least that’s how I see it.

there is saying that in a classroom, if one student fails, then it is the student’s fault. But if everyone failed, then it is the teacher’s fault. So since everyone had the same reaction to me, maybe I am the problem?

You are not always the problem. You are not always the one to blame. I don’t really like to comment on other people’s posts (other than OP’s), and I definitely don’t want to hurt Anita, because she is doing such a wonderful job on this forum. But I felt the need to say something now, because I see that you’re suffering and believing that you mess up wherever you go. But you don’t, Paradoxy.

Start trusting that you are a good person, with good intentions. You were made to believe (by your parents) that you are bad and that you cause pain to other people. I hope you can start disassembling that belief, slowly but surely, and learn how to love yourself more.

Dear Paradoxy,

No, he means emotional consoling. That I should be there for her to help her heal and it was not her fault and etc.

Hmmm I am very skeptical that she actually confided in this guy about her prostitution. Why would she do that? I doubt he is like a father figure to her. And as I said, the whole story is very suspicious – that he is married, sick with cancer, but still decided to travel overseas (alone) and have fun at pool parties. All of that sounds bogus to me. Specially the part where he is “consoling” her.

I think she said that only to make you feel guilty. Like he is so much more compassionate than you, who is judging her and “crucifying” her. I can totally see it as another guilt-tripping narrative, a story that is completely made up.

whatever he said to her, convinced her that I was cheating and lying to her the whole time. But when I asked him, he said that she misunderstood him and he didn’t lie.

I saw her rant about me to her friend and she painted me as the villain by omitting details and the friend kept supporting her, saying that I am not worth it and etc.

It’s easy for her to paint you as the villain – she simply omits important details, adds a few invented ones, and voila – here is her version of reality, in which you are the villain. I can totally see how she did the same after talking to your guy friend. He most probably didn’t say anything bad about you, but she twisted it and concluded that indeed, you are cheating on her.

I can even imagine a scenario where she doesn’t necessarily believe that you are cheating on her, but she pretends that she does, so she can torture you and falsely accuse you. I can’t tell, but I am starting to wonder if she actually enjoys to torture you, to tell you the things she knows will disturb you?

No he got married prior to his diagnosis I think but he essentially got married when he was ready to settle down with one woman, after he had enjoyed his youth to the peak with multiple other women.

So why wasn’t his wife with him, if he is severely ill and possibly going to die? You don’t go on an overseas trip alone, without your loved ones, specially if this might be your last big journey. It just doesn’t add up, Paradoxy.

Can I really blame her for not giving me the laptop cause she needs it for work and doesn’t have enough money yet to buy a new laptop?

No, but it’s not your duty to provide it for her. In fact, she can ask her old rich guy friend to give her money for a laptop, if he is already so “supportive.” I’d actually suggest it to her, and see how she reacts…

And I know I can use it, but I really don’t want cops to be involved in relationship crisis like this. It would raise unnecessary attention and I prefer to be invisible. But I did tell her that I would be forced to call the authorities on her, but she knows I wouldn’t cause I am not that kind of person.

I understand you don’t want to escalate things. But it’s good that you told her. Actually, you could give her a deadline by which time you expect her to give the laptop back, and if she doesn’t, you can say you’ll be forced to contact the authorities. And that you mean it seriously (even if you’re bluffing).

More like traitor. This is not the first time he fueled her fire with more misunderstandings so I am not amazed, cause last time she messaged him with her suspicion that I was cheating when in fact I was actually sleeping, and he agreed with her that I could be cheating, despite being fully aware that I am not the type of person to be cheating or anything

Was that when she broke up with you because she couldn’t reach you on the phone? Did he explain why he told her you might be cheating? Maybe he doesn’t like her, and that’s why he said something he knew will piss her off?

Yes I told him, but B is telling me that it was not in my right for me to share what happened to her, but she doesn’t realize that the trauma may be her experience, but her decisions as a result of the trauma became the root causes of my pain and suffering, therefore making it my right to share the cause of my pain and suffering.

Well, yes, it’s kind of intimate, so I understand why she was upset. But I also understand that you needed someone to talk to and “decompress”. But okay, perhaps he didn’t have to tell her that he knows.

It seems to me he really dislikes her (can’t blame him) and I guess he gets upset with her, and then tells her even the things that are better not to share. Specially since she is such a person who will later torture you for any of your friend’s slip ups.

He betrayed me by doing exactly what I told him not to do. He could have at least respected my wishes. But I think I still forgive him tho. But I don’t see him the same way as before anymore.

Yes, do forgive him, because I think he doesn’t have bad intentions. However, tell him that she will use every information he gives her against you, and that’s why it’s better not to share anything with her. Because she will use it against you. So he would need to stop communicating with her, specially as a mediator between you two.

And he would also need to stop “defending” you by being mean to her (if that’s what he’s been doing), because that will only infuriate her more. It is your task to deal with her, and he shouldn’t intervene.

So yeah, I think you and your guy friend should conspire a little and be strategic, because you are dealing with a serious enemy. So no information leakage should be allowed from him to her. Although she has already stolen the chat between you two, which I can imagine is a great resource for her to keep torturing you on various accounts :\

Let me repeat this, IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP, THEN DON’T HELP. It is better than taking the risk of making things worse I swear.

Yes, in this case I agree. If he wants to help, but gives away information about you that she can later use against you, that’s counter-productive. However, she also invents things out of thin air – things that are completely untrue – so she doesn’t even need your friend’s slip ups. She knows how to torture you anyway. But yes, it’s better to protect yourself as much as possible by giving away as little information as possible.

Don’t I have a right to my wishes? I already told her that I wouldn’t commit suicide. I was just extremely depressed and I just wanted to die, I never said I would actually do it. Shouldn’t she be respecting my wishes? Don’t you think it is wrong for someone to pretend to be your friend and let you feel comfortable enough to open up and then instead of respecting your wishes, they think it is in their purview to do what they think is right for you?

Did you know that therapists for example are legally obliged to inform the authorities if someone is seriously considering suicide (or homicide)? In every other case the therapist must respect the client’s confidentiality, but not if there are serious indications that they might harm themselves or someone else.

That’s because protecting the person’s life is more important than betraying their trust. In your case, your friend was worried about you and it would have been too much for her to keep this type of secret. As I said, even a therapist is obliged not to keep that kind of secret.

It is people like that who make situations worse than it actually is, because they try to help and they don’t know how so they go about it the wrong way. In the end what happened? All she did was drive me further into depression, further into suicide.

Yes, I understand what you’re saying. Because you had to deal with your parents’ wrath afterwards – with their totally inappropriate and abusive reaction. And you were left at their mercy – you had nowhere to go.

It’s a big mistake that no one e.g. ordered that you should visit a psychologist. That the “ball” was returned back to your parents, who were actually your abusers.

So I understand why you are so upset about people trying to help, but not taking into account the consequences it may have on you.

But also please be aware of who the enemy No1 is: the abuser. Your parents back then. And B now. They are the ones you really need to free yourself from, on the long run. You need to free yourself from their toxic influence, from their grip on you.

On the short run, you should of course try to mitigate the impact the abuser has on you (even if it means playing along, pretending to be kind until you e.g. get your laptop back). However, on the long run you shouldn’t be their easy prey. You shouldn’t be in agony about their false accusations. You shouldn’t believe them when they tell you you are a bad person.

So the goal would be to liberate yourself from their influence. And for that, you need healing.

Lol you sound like you are saying that I am the problem only 99% of the time but there is the remaining 1% where I am not the problem.

Haha true 🙂 But I said it because you had the feeling that ALL of your interactions are a failure and that you inevitably hurt people (or at least people you care about). So I gave you my honest feedback that in this particular interaction, with Anita, I don’t believe you said hurtful things. So that’s at least one example where your false belief is not true.

But I understand what you are saying. I will work on changing my core beliefs, but it is difficult when the way others behave towards me strengthens my core beliefs. But thank you for your help.

You are welcome. The thing is that having this false core belief is a self-fulfilling prophecy: because you will be attracted to people who have no empathy and understanding for you (people similar to your parents) and you’ll be trying to prove to them that you are lovable.

That’s what you’ve been doing with B. She is a bully, like your parents, and that’s why you were so eager to prove it to her that you are a good person. A person worthy of love.

You stopped wanting to prove it to your parents, but you needed her to believe it, to confirm it to you, because that’s what we do in romantic relationships (before we heal): we are trying to get what we haven’t received from our parents, in our childhood.

You actually expressed it perfectly here:

She is the only person that I wanted to correct. The only person I wanted to understand. I don’t care about anyone else, my parents, family, friend etc. SHE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND HER MISTAKES SO SHE CAN CORRECT THEM BECAUSE I WANTED TO LOVE HER WITHOUT HER CAUSING ME MORE PAIN.

See? You didn’t care about proving that you are lovable to your parents. Instead, you transferred all that longing – that super strong need – on her. That’s your unmet childhood need right here: to be seen as a good person, worthy of love.

But she never met that need of yours, she never acknowledged that you are a good person. On the contrary, she kept falsely accusing you and guilt tripping you, just like your parents did. She was deepening your core wound, instead of healing it.

she keeps hitting my ego when she keeps making false accusations which then gives me the urge to fight her and prove to her how wrong she is.

She actually keeps hurting your inner child. She keeps telling you that you are bad and unlovable. And then your ego, which is trying to protect your inner child, is fighting back. But no matter what you say, she will never admit that you are indeed a good person. And so, your inner child never gets that need met. You remain the bad guy in her eyes.

And so your inner child – who is looking to her and only her to heal him – gets stranded again. Get stabbed once again. Sinking deeper and deeper into depression.

Your ego is doing you a disservice here. Because you are looking to get what you need from her. And she – being the person that she is – is never going to give it to you.

So you’d need to stop wanting it from her. You would need to give it to yourself: your adult self to your inner child.

Therapy can be a great help in that process – to strengthen your capacity to love yourself.

Dear Paradoxy,

She probably said it to make me feel guilty, but it doesn’t sound completely made up to me, cause based on the type of behavior she has described from him, I am not amazed that a 70 year old man has the logic of a spoiled teenager.

I wouldn’t believe anything she told you about him, neither about his health nor his marital status nor the nature of their relationship. Because she doesn’t have a track record of speaking the truth. And since you’ve never met the guy (you saw him only on the photo she posted on social media, right?), it’s safe to say that you know almost nothing about him.

But don’t worry, B got a taste of her own medicine when there was an altercation at the resort and the Spanish dude said it was B’s fault even though B didn’t do anything.

What an idyllic friendship they had, the guy “consoling” her and having understanding for her, when her own boyfriend wouldn’t. And then boom, he falsely accused her of something she hasn’t done. What a friend!

And now, I guess they’re not on speaking terms anymore, and she cannot ask him to give her money for a much needed laptop. Poor B. (I am being sarcastic here, of course)

Well, to me, this is just another proof that most of the story she gave you about this guy is bogus. Specially their alleged friendship. Because you don’t falsely accuse a friend. Or she really did something bad, but of course doesn’t want to admit it, as always.

So anyway, she is lying, this way or another. To me this is clear as day. And so, anything that she told you, i.e. her version of any story, has no credibility. No reason to believe any of it.

About your guy friend:
<p style=”margin-left: .5in;”>he barely gets himself involved in matters like this.</p>
Well, he definitely was involved in your story with B, because you confided in him, you talked about it a lot with him. He also seems to have been on your side, because he wanted to help you with getting her stuff from her:

on that day, I had told my friend that I would be going to her place to collect my stuff, and he joked that I should let him know if I need backup in case she resists.

So it seems to me that he is involved, and he might have his opinion about B too. But it seems he doesn’t want her to think poorly of him. Maybe that’s why he called her, because she was making false accusations against him as well:

B kind of tricked him into sharing information with her cause she had exported my entire chat with him. Since most conversations were incomplete continuations of face to face conversations, it lead to her overthinking and misunderstanding the context behind some of the conversations, and by pretending to know everything, she tricked my guy friend into spilling the beans. So I understand that he was tricked, but why the hell did he call her FIRST????

So maybe he called her to “justify” himself? Because he didn’t want to be falsely accused by her?

As for the incident when you were sleeping and she contacted him, asking if you were cheating, it seems to me he pretended to be indifferent, kind of saying “don’t know, maybe he is (cheating).” This is how he explained it:

he said that he pretended like he didn’t know so that I get a chance to explain my perspective of things without having a biased opinion.

This is a very strange answer. It seems to me like an excuse – as if he didn’t want to admit to you that he doesn’t like her and that he did this to piss her off. So I still think he doesn’t like her, but he didn’t want to admit it, after he realized how much you care about her and how much you were upset when he “endangered” your relationship by his stupid remark.

And I guess that’s why he also said diplomatic things like this:

he always stated that he expected us to stay together for years cause of how much love we had for each other (the love I had for her).

You were fighting a lot, breaking up and reconciling all the time. I don’t think he honestly believed it’s a healthy relationship that will last for years. But I think he said it not to hurt you, because he saw how much you love her, how much you want to be with her. And so he just said it, to seem kind. But honestly, I don’t think he really meant it.

When I read her rant to her best friend, I was infuriated enough to message the girl myself to tell her that she shouldn’t be believing everything B says blindly. B saw the msg and she started calling me a psychopath and etc and told me to delete the msg and never msg her friends again cause it is insane.

That’s typical of her: calling you a psychopath when she was doing exactly the same: messaging your guy friend to ask if you were cheating:

she messaged him with her suspicion that I was cheating

She has also stolen your private chat with him (BTW you should never let her get near your phone again!), and was then harassing him to “explain himself”:

B kind of tricked him into sharing information with her cause she had exported my entire chat with him. Since most conversations were incomplete continuations of face to face conversations, it lead to her overthinking and misunderstanding the context behind some of the conversations, and by pretending to know everything, she tricked my guy friend into spilling the beans.

So it’s her typical hypocrisy: lying and then accusing you of lying, hiding an ex in her house and then accusing you that you might be doing the same, stealing a private conversation and harassing your friend and then accusing you of being a psychopath!

the fighting with B has reached temporary tranquility for now and we are in the phase of moving on.

Perhaps only because you went home, and she has your laptop anyway, so no reason to torture you? But I guess as soon as you’d mention the laptop again, she would start a barrage of accusations… because that’s how she can discourage you from claiming what is rightfully yours.

There is a saying “the best defense is a good offense”. She has been playing this tactic all along: in order to escape responsibility for her bad behavior, she has been falsely accusing you (being on the “offense”), therefore removing the focus from herself and making you the problem. The result: she gets to keep doing what she is doing, without any consequences. She keeps behaving badly, without any consequences.

I’ll reply to the rest of your post in a separate post, a bit later.