HomeâForumsâRelationshipsâShould a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality?
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Tee.
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July 3, 2024 at 10:22 pm #434642
Tee
ParticipantDear Paradoxy,
I am glad you are safe and sound! I also hope that your friends who remained on Jamaica are safe too.
According to the news, at this moment the hurricane has already left Jamaica and is continuing towards the Cayman islands. One woman has died, unfortunately. But according to reports, the devastation wasn’t as huge as on Carriacou island, which was completely flattened.
I understand your mother wanting to protect you and get you to safety – it’s a very natural instinct. Of course she cares about her child’s safety. In extreme situations like these, where your physical life is in danger, it is only normal to get you out of the harm’s way, which she did.
You say your parents believe that almost every Caribbean person (or at least those they know) is morally corrupt:
They rarely find any Caribbean person who has not done immoral things.
Most of the people they know have slept around or are involved in some kind of immoral drama, so they naturally develop a stereotype for them and attribute their behavior as part of that personâs culture.
It was interesting for me to read that there is corruption and immorality in your own community as well:
another guy falsely accused my mother of revealing his secrets but my father was able to figure out the accusation was based on manipulation and false information cause my mother never did anything that she was accused of.
my dad used to be the treasurer of the community and he was responsible for handling the money affairs as well as another guy and both of them were accused of stealing community money but he was able to prove to them that the person who was actually taking the money from the treasury was a third guy, who just so happened to be the one who started the accusation in the first place.
Nobody challenges my father because he knows what is right and what is wrong and will not participate in any corrupt activities or get himself involved in the politics of manipulation like the other men.
My father stepped down as the treasurer cause he doesnât want to get involved in the community politics after that incident.
It seems that some community members are involved in lying, cheating, stealing and making false accusations against innocent people. And it seems it’s not just one isolated case, since you talk about “politics of manipulation”. And your father decided to step down from his position, because he didn’t want to be involved in such corrupt politics.
Which tells me that not only Caribbean people are involved in immoral activities, but also those in your own community.
I would like to go back to what you’ve recently said about yourself:
I am just an embarrassment to my parents cause of all my stupidity and awkwardness and inability to talk to people and etc. Maybe it is just me. My lack of maturity, my inability to be of use to my parents, canât even help them with their chores/work, my lack of intelligence, my lack of skill in anything, or the fact that I am a complete idiot. While the other kids became mature and responsible adults, I just became an immature idiot. I may be the best among my cousins, but I am still immature in the eyes of my parents since I will never be good enough compared to other children my age.
I have accepted my flaws, but society wonât. Cause society still requires a certain level of maturity,which I still lack.
You claim that you lack wisdom, intelligence, maturity or any skills. However, throughout the course of our conversation, you said very different things about yourself. For example:
You have expressed that you are considerably wise, not stupid:
I always told her that if she is unsure, she could ask me for any advice as my fatherâs wisdom was passed down to me over the years that he taught me.
Everything that my father taught me was logically correct, but I was wise enough to know that there are exceptions to the wisdom he passed to me. I did not let his opinion about things completely blind me, but it guided me to make even better decisions than he did, but I still have a long way to go as shown by the current situation.
I am not stupid enough to use their love as a role model.
I am not dumb enough to just blindly believe what B showed me.
You have expressed that you are more mature than your peers:
I cannot deny the fact that all of this treatment shaped me to be a better man than most of my peers morality-wise.
My peers may be happier than me and enjoying life and etc, but I am definitely glad I am not doing their foolishness, like smoking weed, drinking alcohol and sleeping with a bunch of woman and etc.
my obedience has kept me from going in the wrong direction like the guys here with me. I wonât do anything stupid or get involved in any wrong activities.
The emotional suffering they put me through has forced me to be the most mature for my age among all my cousins so I am definitely grateful for that as well.
Their wisdom still taught me to be a good man to the best of my ability.
If it werenât for him, I would just be some immoral idiot like my âfriendsâ but instead I am known for my honesty and care.
You said you were on of the top students in your country, which makes you rather intelligent:
We were all scoring very high in exams and getting into prestigious colleges and getting high salary jobs. Even I was one of the top students in the country at one point, and so are others from our community. Each year, there is at least one top student that is from our âemotional abuseâ community.
You said you possess respectable music skills:
I have studied music for 10 years and have taken the exams up to 6 levels out of 8 with scores in distinction, and my guy friend definitely knows my level of skill regarding music.
So this tells me that a part of you doesn’t believe that you lack wisdom, intelligence, maturity or skills. On the contrary, it tells me you believe you possess all those qualities. But sometimes you seem to forget it, or you view yourself from your father’s perspective, who sees you as as an idiot, no matter what you do. (He cares enough to ask about my issues, but once I tell him my issues he just treats it like I am just being an idiot.)
I am the way I am cause of my father, both the good and the bad. My father is the one who taught me to be caring and loving, even though I never got it from him. If it werenât for him, I would just be some immoral idiot like my âfriendsâ but instead I am known for my honesty and care, and even taken advantage of cause of that nature. These idiots know that no matter how many times they hurt me, it wonât change the fact that I still care. That is my stupid weakness.
It seems you take some pride in being so care-giving to those “idiots” who don’t deserve your help? It seems you feel better than them.
July 4, 2024 at 12:38 pm #434666ParadoxMusic
ParticipantDear Tee,
“I am glad you are safe and sound! I also hope that your friends who remained on Jamaica are safe too.” Apparently my guess was correct, there wasn’t as much damage as we expected, especially since Jamaica has a lot of mountains so my campus was pretty much safe.
“It was interesting for me to read that there is corruption and immorality in your own community as well” Well obviously no person is that perfect, they would have been involved in some kind of politics but the type seems to vary depending on the type of people.
“Which tells me that not only Caribbean people are involved in immoral activities, but also those in your own community.” Oh come on, I am not that stupid. I am not saying that only Caribbean people are involved in immoral activities. But activities similar to cheating on their partner and other similar immoral activities appear to be higher among the Caribbean community. My community has its own set of corruption, usually religion-based or just plain politics of turning people against each other and stuff and financial cheating. One guy got murdered right in front of his kids cause he was a businessman who managed to steal a 20 million dollar diamond from another businessman.
“You have expressed that you are considerably wise, not stupid” Lol don’t misunderstand, I am aware that I have some wisdom, and I know that I can definitely make better decisions than B, but that doesn’t mean my so-called wisdom is enough. There are a lot of skills that I still lack. I am not stupid enough to use their love as a role model, but I was still stupid enough to not see through B. I am not dumb enough to BLINDLY believe B, but I was still dumb enough to trust her when I shouldn’t have before the whole mess started. Me learning from my mistakes doesn’t change the fact that I was still dumb enough to make those mistakes. I have made good decisions before but they were not good enough to save me from my suffering. My father gave me enough wisdom to guide B to make better decisions but it didn’t save me. I still fell for the things my dad warned me about. I will still be viewed as immature and stupid cause there are many skills and knowledge that I still lack. I have wisdom, intelligence, maturity and some skills, but I don’t enough of it to put to good use. I can make good decisions but they are not good enough. That is why I said that I still lack wisdom and etc.
“You have expressed that you are more mature than your peers” I know I am mature, I am just not mature enough. I may score 40% in my exam, and it may be the highest score among all my peers, but it is worth nothing because it not enough. I am more mature than my cousins, more mature than a lot of my peers, but that doesn’t mean it is enough because I still lack a lot of maturity. I have guests over at the house rn and they will be staying with us for a while. They have 2 kids really close to my age, and I know for certain that I am more mature than them, but that doesn’t mean I am mature enough. Especially not compared to an actual adult. That is why I say I still lack maturity. But it still doesn’t change the fact that these kids are better off than me. One got accepted into a prestigious college with full scholarship all the way in Australia and she is also going to be studying med. The other is still in high school scoring higher than I ever did. The other kids I know are in Toronto and New York and North Carolina and other places now and they have made so many achievements that my achievements look like nothing. Even the kid I used to teach is one of the top students in the entire country and his scores make my top scores look pathetic and he got accepted into a good college too. What did I get? I got stuck with Jamaica cause I didn’t get accepted into the other colleges or I could not get a scholarship that could handle their huge tuition. I chose Jamaica to reduce the financial burden on my parents. But even then they are paying 28k for just the tuition. I am not as good as I wanted to be. Now I have multiple exams I need to retake cause I missed the passing mark by a few percent. I may have good morals, but morals can’t substitute my lack of intelligence and skills etc.
“You said you were on of the top students in your country, which makes you rather intelligent” My scores were the highest at the time, but they were not good enough to get me accepted into the good colleges. The others managed to get into good colleges due to their interview skills and other test scores for the colleges. Not to mention, some of them had the government supporting them. Like my guy friend. He got a scholarship from the Bahamian government despite scoring lower than me but I didn’t get any scholarship. The kids from our community graduating now have scores that make my scores from back then look pathetic, that is just how big the gap is. My parents are not making it any better for me by showing me all the awards and etc those kids got while I had no awards when I was graduating.
“You said you possess respectable music skills” Yes I have good music skills, but they are nothing in the eyes of other musicians. I may look good in front of non-musicians, but compared to my classmates in the music class, my scores were no where close. My sight reading skills are so poor that the teacher had to take me aside from the rest of the class to provide me with private training for it. And that skill is still poor, I barely improved it for the sake of passing the music exam. Fortunately it did not have a large impact on the final score, which is why I managed to get a distinction. I ended up sitting in my class watching as the other kids played difficult pieces while I had been practicing the same song for the past 5 years cause there was no better piece for me. AND EVEN THEN, they managed to play the song better than me. Imagine how pissed I was. So when I see all this “evidence” you can’t blame me for hating myself for the things I lack.
“It seems you take some pride in being so care-giving to those âidiotsâ who donât deserve your help? It seems you feel better than them.” No it is the opposite of that. It makes me sick cause I know I will only be taken advantage of. I know that kindness, love and care is generally a good thing, but for me specifically, all it has done is cause me more misery. Besides too much caring can be bad too. Like I cared too much about the girl my dad wanted me to talk to. Cared too much that I forgot to give her space. That is why we ended up breaking our friendship. Because I am just too stupid to stop caring. I know that my kindness and caring nature is good, but caring too much is the part that I hate. Like there could be a homeless man and if he were to ask me for money or something and I can’t give it to him, it irritates me and stays on my mind and continues to bother me. My uncle with the cheating wife had the same weakness, which apparently is one of the reasons why she left him. Idk if his issue was that he cared about others too much, but whatever his reason may be, he always helped out people without expecting anything in return, whether it be financially or physically or etc. And the annoying part is that everyone takes advantage of him for that reason, by borrowing money and never returning it, and he is not a rich guy anyway. He was so kind that he even bought cake and gave a large amount of money to the guy his wife was cheating on him with, without an ounce of suspicion. He wasn’t even suspicious when his wife removed her wedding ring. His own wife took advantage of his nature. That is why I told you a while back that my uncle is known to be a very good man in the community, even other families were grieving for him when his wife left him and they all shunned the wife and kicked her out of the community entirely. It is one of the reasons why I hate making friends, cause either they reject me or make me beg for their friendship or just use me for their own gain.
I know who I am. I know the good in me and the bad in me. I just hate the bad side of me cause I won’t survive in society if this keeps up. Whether it be my inability to communicate properly, my stuttering, my lack of knowledge, etc. The only good thing going for me is my good morals, but good morals won’t exactly save me in society cause you need to be at least a little street smart to survive.
Paradoxy
July 4, 2024 at 10:35 pm #434690Tee
ParticipantDear Paradoxy,
There wasnât as much damage as we expected, especially since Jamaica has a lot of mountains so my campus was pretty much safe.
Happy to hear about that!
I am not saying that only Caribbean people are involved in immoral activities. But activities similar to cheating on their partner and other similar immoral activities appear to be higher among the Caribbean community. My community has its own set of corruption, usually religion-based or just plain politics of turning people against each other and stuff and financial cheating. One guy got murdered right in front of his kids cause he was a businessman who managed to steal a 20 million dollar diamond from another businessman.
Okay, so perhaps it can be said that the Caribbean community is more prone to sins of sexual nature (lust, adultery), while your community more to sins of financial nature: greed. And creating division among people (“turning people against each other”), which to me would be like sowing seeds of division and conflict, rather than love, mutual respect and understanding.
I am not as good as I wanted to be.
Your main problem is the belief that you are not good enough. Which affects your self-confidence and your communication skills, as well as the impression you make at interviews (The others managed to get into good colleges due to their interview skills and other test scores for the college).
You believe you are not good enough because your parents believe you are not good enough. In fact, your father sees you as an idiot and has seen you as such for a long time. You can never be good enough in the eyes of your cruel, strict, judgmental father.
When a child and a youth believes they are not good enough, all kind of learning difficulties can ensue, and even self-sabotaging behaviors like drug abuse and alcohol. If you are constantly under pressure to perform and are severely punished and criticized for not performing well enough, it naturally diminishes your capacity to perform, both at school and in what you actually like: music.
In this last post, you keep berating yourself, being stuck in the “woe is me”. And refusing to believe that change is possible.
I was trying to help you see that you don’t need to stay stuck, even if you physically still depend on your parents. That you don’t need to stay stuck mentally and emotionally in that bitter place. But you keep pitying yourself, defending your parents and staying stuck. And it’s a rather tight mental loop, almost a box, which cannot be opened.
Because you have an excuse for everything and you change your stance as needed: When you need to defend your parent’s parenting skills, you portray yourself as wise and mature â because that’s supposedly a proof of their successful parenting. But at other times, when you want to “prove” how inadequate you are, you portray yourself as stupid and immature.
The end result of our every discussion (i.e. the message you want to convey) is that you are bad, they are good. And there is nothing that can convince you of the opposite.
I wish I could help you open that airtight container. But I realize I can’t. And I don’t want to run around in circles, trying to help you, when you actually want to (at least for now) stay stuck in self-blame and self-pity, and are refusing to look at the real causes of your suffering.
I wish you well, Paradoxy, but most of all, I wish you real healing.
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