Dear Tee,

“What you have described is a very promiscuous culture, and so I looked up prostitution in the Caribbeans. And to my dismay, I have learned that the Caribbeans are amongst the top destinations for sex tourism, and that a lot of older men go there to have fun with young girls (and young boys), who are often only in their teenage years.” Not sure about that but I won’t be amazed if it is true. From what I have heard, men go to Asian countries in search for a wife, Caribbean and other similar countries in search for a fling, and modernized countries for gf/bf relationship. That is what I have heard.

“It seems that poverty there is widespread, and so prostitution became normalized, as a way to earn money. Which is how B’s aunt views prostitution – as a source of income – and perhaps even B was socialized into that mindset.” But a lot of third world countries have a lot of poverty though, so what exactly would drive prostitution to rise to such a large level?

“It is all enabled by corrupt police officers, so there is no way for it to be sanctioned.” Coincidentally, the girl who has 3 different boyfriends is actually working as a cop…

“After learning all that, I understood that prostitution is widespread in the Caribbeans, and it is a way for poor women to earn income. And that’s why you probably saw examples of women sleeping with multiple men, or having one “main” boyfriend, and other men on the side.” I am not too sure if prostitution can be compared to cheating…. cause they still keep them around like partners instead of leaving it as a fling after they get what they want. As far as I know, the women are actually maintaining a relationship with them, not just money.

“So it’s not that the women in the Caribbeans are promiscuous for fun. They are promiscuous because that’s the culture they are socialized into. Same as B was socialized into it, having her aunt as her role model and her “pimp”.” Not going to lie, but I am having a hard time believing that prostitution is part of the culture….

“The aunt upholds the belief that men should be used to get rich and ensure a good life.” The last thing I heard about her is that she is getting baptized and changing her life etc but I don’t believe it and I don’t plan to forgive her for what she did. Maybe God will, but I can’t.

“And even this selfish attitude (the attitude of a gold digger) could be the logical reaction to the sad truth that women are used by men for sex” Yeah I am pretty sure men just decided that it is better to use women for sex by giving them money instead of being used by women and have their money taken from them.

“So a “smart” woman (in her view) would then turn this into her own advantage and “outsmart” the man, and at least get herself out of poverty.” Exactly, which is why I said this is a cycle: One person gets used, and they decide to use others so they won’t get used themself, then the others who get used decide to do the same thing because they also don’t want to be used again. It is just a continuous cycle of hurt.

“I am curious what are your thoughts on this? I’ve made these observations based on a few internet articles, so I am not claiming anything, since I don’t know the real conditions there. But anyway, let me know your thoughts?” I find it very difficult to believe that prostitution is part of their culture, cause all this gold digging and etc I learned from the American culture, while my parents learned about it from Black culture. But I guess everyone has different reasons/motivations to doing all these immoral activities. I also noticed that a lot of black families are single parented, so growing up in that kind of household could play a factor, idk. But even then, most people are aware of morality. Even B. She grew up surrounded by these immoral activities but she said that these activities were disgusting to her and she will never follow that path. But like I said, she had COUNTLESS opportunities to use men for money and etc, but she didn’t. She is extremely beautiful and a lot of men are attracted to her, to the point of even blackmailing her job if she doesn’t sleep with him, but she still didn’t do it. So she is aware of these morals. She knows it is wrong, and it doesn’t seem like she wanted to take advantage of others. But idk, maybe I am just making up excuses for her. But based on all the time that I spent with her, I think she just lacked good parenting where her parents didn’t advice her well enough.

I even talked to my cousin last night and she is 17 and even she has a poor understanding of society and life etc. She doesn’t even know why stealing is wrong. She just knows that stealing is wrong, but not why it is wrong. And I am confused as to how this kind of mindset even came around. What made them stop questioning things? What made them stop trying to understand? What made them think like robots, never wondering why certain things are wrong and why certain things are bad?

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“So B is someone who likes to party, and those parties are the kind where girls (including B) dance practically naked, in a bikini/thongs, while men are staring at them and lusting after them.” You are partially correct. B does like to party, but these parties are not always the kind where girls dance practically naked. Some girls wear revealing outfits though, but most of them don’t. Most of them just wear outfits that are “sexy” even without revealing much skin, but it highlights certain parts of their body, but knowing how filthy men are, they are bound to look. But there are parties where girls wear very revealing outfits. Look up the Jamaican carnival. It is a parade where the women wear extremely revealing outfits and men go for the parade just to stare at women. And then there will be a concert after the parade where the women would be dancing very sexually, entertaining the men there. B suggested that we go together for the carnival but like I told you, being in such environments makes me extremely uncomfortable and I hate it so I obviously told her that we can’t go. She appeared okay with my decision though.

“So B doesn’t mind that kind of environment, where she is looked at as a sexual object, a piece of meat. I am sure that’s how her rich old guy “friend” viewed her too.” No, she does mind. She usually goes to parties that are more formal and wear more appropriate outfits, but that is not going to stop men from being filthy assholes. And no, her rich friend doesn’t seem to view her in that manner, based on what I know about him….

“And indeed, they took a photo together by the pool at 6 am, after one of such parties. Surely, they didn’t all wake up early to go for a refreshing swim. But they stayed up all night, doing who knows what.” It is possible, but B said that there was no party the previous night, and she said that she went to the pool by herself before everyone woke up but she didn’t know her friend had also woken up. I would prefer not to assume that she was up doing all kinds of wrong things.

“Yes, she is fully clothed except when she is partying – that’s when she is practically naked.” No, she is fully clothed even at parties, but her choice of outfit is more like thin to an extent, or the skirt has a very long cut. Idk how to describe it. It is like those outfits girls would wear that have an opening to stick their leg out. Or another outfit would be a top and jeans but the top is short so you can see her stomach clearly. And most of her outfits require her to wear no bra as well. So that also annoys me.

“She is also fully clothed except when her ex is taking out her braids – that’s when she is naked, wrapped only in a towel. And yes, she lives under the same roof with her ex, so that’s when she is not fully clothed either.” No, She is clothed but her choice of clothing at home is like “booty shorts” and thin shirts with no bra. Sometimes she wears long pants though and she claims to be careful with her choice of outfits. Every time I come over to her place, I tell her to wear something more appropriate when she is outside of her room but she keeps saying that there is nobody home so she is fine. But then one day she made the same excuse and I warned her that her housemates could come back any second and she pushed off my remark like it would never happen, only for her ex to return home and she had to run back to her room to change. The issue with her ex was just a coincidence according to her, cause it was supposed to be the female housemate who was supposed to remove her braids.

“She didn’t? She didn’t prostitute herself for money? She doesn’t go to pool parties where she is dancing half-naked in front or rich old tourists? She didn’t let you finance her for an entire year? She didn’t take your laptop and doesn’t intend to return it any time soon? She didn’t convince you to invest in some shady financial schemes, and then used the little that you earned for her own expenses?” You have the wrong understanding of things. She only prostituted herself one time, and she claims to have had no choice because her aunt had set up the whole ordeal. She did go to pool parties but that was before we started dating and she didn’t dance sexually in front of men in that manner, I believe she has too much self respect to be doing those things and they were circumstances where she had control of herself and was not forced to do anything. I financed her because she had lost her job because she refused to prostitute herself, so as her bf, I felt I should help her in the time of need, and she could just pay me back when she gets a stable job, cause I never thought of us as two different people, cause I always aimed to marry her in the future so whatever I invested in her right now, would be beneficial for both of us in the future when she has a stable job and we are married. She didn’t TAKE my laptop, I offered to buy her a laptop cause she needed one for work and she couldn’t return the laptop because she needed it for work. That was before I found out about what happened in January, but because I made the promise to her, I decided to let her have the laptop and she can just pay me back later when she has earned the money. Taking the laptop back by force would be counterproductive because she would lose her job and I am not that cruel. So I have decided to sell the laptop to her and she has started paying me back in installments. And yes she convinced me to invest in trading, and it partially worked. We made a profit of 600 dollars with the initial investment, but the guy we hired chose to party instead of focusing on the trading and so he lost all the money and we went right back to square one. We entered the investment knowing the risks, so she didn’t force me into it. I needed a passive source of income because I can’t work when I have to handle the workload from med.

“You see her as some innocent angel, who is 100000 times better than other women.” Lol she may not be an innocent angel but she is definitely one of the better girls from what I have seen.

“Because in one post, you describe her sexually enticing dancing/partying habits, where she willingly goes to those parties and dances provocatively in front of men. But then in the very next post you claim that she always dressed modestly and that it’s not her fault that men lust after her.” I think you misunderstood, I was speaking about the women in general about the sexual dancing and partying. Not B specifically. B does party, but she is aware of what she is doing, based on all the recordings that I secretly watched, it would appear that she never entertained any man in the sexual manner at these parties. She did dance, but not to entertain men sexually and she is fully clothed, but these clothes highly certain parts of her body like her thigh or waist or breast etc.

“As I said, you are deluding yourself big time. You would need to decide: do you want to keep deluding yourself, or you want to finally see the truth?” How am I deluding myself? It is not like I am going to take her back. I have already received all my clothes back. I just need to get the money for my laptop and then we will be done forever.

Paradoxy

Dear Tee,

“So she likes to party and dance without a bra. Nice. And then you say she doesn’t like when men view her as a sexual object?” Yea I know how stupid it sounds, but yea that is the gist of it. That is why I said she can be very stupid sometimes.  But she does wear a bra though, it is just that certain outfits only work without a bra so she adjusts the clothing so that she doesn’t have to wear a bra but it wouldn’t look like she is not wearing one.

“Okay, so she is dancing in a tight skirt with a high leg cut and a top without bra. But that’s not at all sexually enticing. It is innocent. And she has no intention to be viewed as a sex object. None at all.” Apparently so. That is precisely how dumb she is.

“Read the above. A girl dancing and partying without a bra is not seeking sexual attention from men. According to you.” That’s the thing, she is just a very stupid hypocrite. I have to literally spell things like this out for her in order for her to understand. She minimizes the issue and pushes it off like it is not a big deal, saying that people won’t sexualize her like that since she is technically not wearing a revealing outfit.

“Well, even if you prefer not to assume certain things, it doesn’t mean they didn’t happen. That’s a part of self-delusion: not wanting to see things that might hurt us. And she was a pro at making excuses for herself, and appearing to be innocent and oblivious, while continuing to do whatever she wants. And you fell for it.” Maybe I did fall for it, cause a part of me still finds it difficult to wrap my mind around how stupid she is. But I would still like to give her the benefit of doubt in case our assumptions are wrong, even if her actions prove otherwise. Maybe it is the naive part of me that makes me want to give her the benefit of doubt, but giving it to her won’t change the fact that she and I are done, so it doesn’t matter.

“Btw is she still living in the same house with her ex?” Yes she is living in the same house but the ex moved out now and a new female housemate has joined her and this new girl is always bringing different men into the house (to sleep with her I assume).

Paradoxy

I am sorry for the way I am…..

Dear Tee,

“So anyway, your mother was never too caring or empathic, quite the contrary, but now she is claiming that she was. Which is gaslighting.” The thing is that she was caring regarding the physical aspect. She noticed when I was tired, she noticed when I was sleep deprived, she saw how weak I looked from days I went without eating to focus on studying while I was in college, but she never saw my emotional and mental health deteriorating. I don’t blame her though but the audacity to say that she noticed whenever I was unwell is just pissing me off. She is not gaslighting because she did care for me regarding the physical aspect but failed in the emotional and mental aspect.

“Also, your father taught you that when you have an issue, to suck it up and be a man. So he wasn’t really welcoming vulnerability.” My father also sucks up his own problems. He has all kinds of body pains: back pain, neck pain, leg pain etc. But he never actively complained about his pain. He will still wake up at 5 am and get ready and go to work out under the hot sun until 5-8pm. So compared to that, I would sound weak and pathetic compared to how much he is enduring for the entire family. So basically, in their eyes, nothing of my issues are worth me complaining about.

“You were shaped to be that way… by your parents’ conditioning. I hope you can start seeing that?” Yes I see that but I also realized that my parents are right about me being an idiot. For example, yesterday the battery for the car ran out of charge, so I had to jumpstart the car by connecting the battery to another car battery. I got the battery and managed to jumpstart the car, and then I packed up everything, but my dumbass self turned off the car’s engine. So I had to get the equipment again and jumpstart the vehicle again. This just shows how careless I was, and I had to just stand there and take it when my father called me absent-minded and etc. So technically my parents were right about me being an idiot. So now what? Can’t really say that my parents are wrong about me now….

Paradoxy