Dear Debbie
This is what I found a therapist’s code of conduct is a set of ethical principles and professional standards, guided by professional bodies like the BACP and ACA, focusing on client well-being, autonomy, confidentiality, and boundaries. Key principles include promoting client welfare (beneficence), avoiding harm (non-maleficence), respecting client autonomy and dignity, maintaining confidentiality and professional boundaries, and acting with integrity and honesty. Therapists must also ensure their own self-care and stay within their competence, referring clients when necessary.

Do you feel that you can trust & respect her in future sessions?
Since she did back pedal she may have already done some self reflection on how & why she spoke that way to you. You could write to her asking why she chose to make that particular comment. Hopefully her reply would clear the way for your next session not to be polluted by her comment should you wish to have her as your therapist.
Kind regards
Roberta

Hello Debbie,

was it only once or have you experienced more troubles with this therapist?

It is possible that she made a mistake, but her intention wasn’t bad.

I personally would try another session and see what happens. If she isn’t careful and respectful, try to find another therapist.

Sending ☀️

🦋

Dear Debbie:

First, about what your therapist said—“Shame on you for judging your nephew”—

That phrase is deeply loaded. In therapy, shame is often the very wound people are trying to heal. It should never be used as a tool against the client.

Even if your therapist didn’t intend harm, saying “shame on you” crosses a line. It’s a moral judgment, not a therapeutic intervention. Therapists are trained to avoid language that shames or blames—especially when someone is working through trauma or relational pain. That kind of phrasing can shut down vulnerability, trigger old wounds, and make the space feel unsafe.

A trauma-informed therapist would have recognized that your anger wasn’t just about your nephew—it was connected to deeper pain. Instead of honoring your emotional clarity and protective instincts, the focus was redirected to your nephew’s possible suffering. That kind of reversal can feel invalidating, even disorienting.

While this may not qualify as a formal ethical violation, it does raise important concerns: emotional safety, attunement to trauma, and the power dynamics in the room—especially when a therapist uses shaming language and then backpedals without repair.

So let me say this clearly: you’re not overreacting. Your discomfort is real, and your instincts are trustworthy. That phrasing was inappropriate, full stop.

Even when a client has acted in harmful ways (which is not true in your case), the therapist’s role is to explore the why, not shame the who. There are ways to invite accountability that still honor dignity—like asking, “What do you feel when you think about that moment?” or “Can we explore how that may have affected the other person?” These kinds of questions open doors, rather than shutting them.

Some therapeutic styles do use challenge or confrontation—but never shaming. Even in intense moments, the language must stay rooted in respect and curiosity.

Again: shame is often the wound. It should never be the weapon.

Now, about your relationship with your nephew—

Your instinct to protect yourself, to journal through the pain, and to set boundaries is not only valid—it’s wise. Taking space wasn’t about punishment; it was about clarity. You recognized that his actions stirred something unresolved in you, and instead of reacting impulsively, you chose distance. That’s not avoidance—it’s discernment.

You didn’t lash out. You didn’t demand anything. You simply chose not to reach out as you normally would. That’s a boundary. Quiet, clear, and rooted in self-respect.

And the way you processed your anger—through writing, reflection, and self-inquiry—is a beautiful example of emotional maturity. You honored your truth without needing to make anyone else responsible for it. That’s emotional sovereignty: staying loyal to yourself, even when others might not understand.

Emotional intelligence isn’t just about empathy or communication—it’s about knowing what you need, honoring your limits, and responding to pain with clarity instead of chaos. You did all of that. And it’s not just valid—it’s powerful.

With warmth and respect, Anita