I am not sure what exactly it is I am seeking by posting this. I guess I am seeking comfort in the fact that maybe I am not alone.

To make a very long story short, I am a nurse. I work at a hospital that is specific to mental health. I absolutely love my job and value it very much. As someone who also struggles with anxiety and depression, it is a strange support in itself knowing that if the patients I am taking care of can get better under much worse conditions, then I can too.

In 2016, I was sexually assaulted by a co worker. At the time I was 22, he was 50. Ongoing harassment had been happening for months without me speaking about it, and then when the assault took place I reported it a few weeks later knowing I would have to see him again and couldn’t bare to bring myself into work again near him. It was investigated, and he was “given the choice to leave” which he did. I also brought it to police who then charged him with sexual assault. The trial which HE set to plead not guilty, was supposed to be last week where I was supposed to testify. He did not show up, and now there is a warrant out for his arrest.

This last year and 6 months of my life has been a rollarcoaster. My mental health has significantly declined, but somehow I am functioning despite how bad it had gotten at times. I have returned to work on and off which is the most difficult part of all of this. I feel as though if I leave and quit my job, then he truly wins and I have already lost months of my life from the effects it had on me. I love my job and I don’t feel like I should have to leave because of someone elses actions. The worst part about all of this, is that the mental health hospital that I work at did little if not nothing to support me. I actually was shamed and questioned as to why I didn’t speak earlier, and even told I needed “special training” to prevent this from happening again. They did everything they could to sweep it under the rug and pretend as though it never happened and that I basically should move on.

But how come I can’t? I feel like this whole incident has eaten me and swallowed me and I will never be the same. What’s worse is that being in the mental health field, knowing the process of “healing” and getting better somehow turns me off of even wanting to accept help. I have flashbacks constantly and nightmares almost every single night of the incident. Even taking time to work another job didn’t seem to help as it still happened there too and it was a compeletely different nursing setting.

I’m not sure what it is I am asking. Maybe someone can help me