Dear Mike:

I re-read all that you shared, will quote from you, and learn along the way. A bit about your ex’s background: her father left, her mother “wasn’t much of one” and she raised her siblings, later married very young, had kids, marriage had physical and other abuse and lasted 25 years.

The relationship with you: right after her marriage, the two of you met and were “inseparable for 5 years”, except for the five or six times that she broke up with you while not living with you, and the one time, two years ago, that she broke up with you while living together. She then broke up with you once again six months ago.

During the relationship there were arguments between the two of you, you attended couple therapy and she attended individual therapy until you and her couldn’t afford more of it. The two of you decided on a “no exits” rule when arguing, but she didn’t stick to it, “totally betrayed my trust by (exiting) as many times as she had”.

Six months ago, the two of you moved to a new apartment. Five days later she broke up with you, but the two of you still lived together for over a month. During that month, “I was on my knees begging her not to do it”, not to leave, that is, but she told you “it’s something she had to do”. After she  left you this last time, “all of her messages for the first 2 months were full of anger and hate, saying all the time how she wants to get even with me for what I did”.

During this separation, she “has slept with a few men and is still dating” but has expressed to you (while “still dating”?) that she “doesn’t want anyone else”, “says she only wants me” and “please take me back… right away”.

You asked her for space but she kept contacting you, refusing to give you the one month of no contact that you asked for. When at one point you blocked her phone number, she sent you “a very threatening, 1 line email”. You responded and she proceeded to tell you that “she cheated on me with someone that I know of for a year while we were engaged and lived together”, which you now believe to be a lie she made up for the purpose of hurting you, and she told you later that indeed it was a lie.

She “apologized so profusely for her mistakes and stated that she is “working on fixing herself”, being back in therapy, but you are “having a hard time believing anything that comes out of her mouth”.

Regarding the current woman in your life: she’s been your friend for twenty years, she is “good for me… kind and loving to me”, you wrote. The two of you are planning on living together. You already broke the lease on your current apartment, but conflicted about getting another apartment with her. She is aware of some of what is going on with your ex and is discouraged by it, “things chilled as of late”.

In your most recent post you asked:

“What do you mean by a sick-sick relationship?”- I mean that the relationship with your ex hurts you and hurts her. It makes you sicker and it makes her sicker, as in unwell.

“Are you able to tell from a distance more about this woman than I am intimating”- from a distance I read your words, this is my only source of information. Because I am not in your position, I do not have the strong emotions that you have. Strong emotions are like fog that clouds our vision. And so, my advantage in understanding your situation is the absence of that fog. My disadvantage is that my only source of information is what you shared, your words.

“I noticed a change in her demeanor”- it will take more of a change of demeanor to make a relationship with her work.

“she thinks that she loves me.. in her own twisted kind of way”- the value of one’s love has everything to do with who is doing the loving. It can be a wonderful thing or a terrible thing, depending on how well or unwell the person is.

“things likely wouldn’t change long term?”- they could  change if the two of you attended therapy, couple therapy and individual therapy for a long, long time, years, probably, consistently, at least once a weak with homework and exercises in between sessions. If you can afford that, then there is a chance.

“she’s been seemingly very humbled when she definitely wasn’t before”- that humble attitude will help her as she continues her therapy.

My summary: strong loving feelings are not enough to make a relationship work. Strong anger and lack of trust, such as you experience, is not congruent with a healthy relationship. Clearly she gets angry at you too and is likely to get angry again, arguments will resume and the next break up will be in progress. Unless the two of you can afford and will attend long, long term therapy.

Unfortunately, it is not a good idea, as I see it, that you proceed to move in with the new girlfriend/ old friend. I think you should look for a place to move to by yourself. Unless you can live with your friend as a friend and a roommate only, not as a lover.

anita