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severe communication problems with husband

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  • October 31, 2018 at 7:34 am #234645
    ras
    Participant

    Hi all. I am currently undergoing a very rough patch in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for nearly 2.5 years, out of which we spent the first two years apart as I was in another country completing my graduate studies. We dated for two years before we got married. We were lucky in the sense that our long distance relationship (right after marriage) went by fairly smoothly. I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 long years before I met my husband, so I had been looking for someone who is emotionally stable and does not have anger management issues. My husband certainly is stable…. too stable i’d say, in the sense that whenever I share a problem with him or express to him my dislike over something he or his family did, he doesn’t have ANYTHING to say.

    For example, 3-4 weeks ago I told him that I was extremely unhappy with the way his mother treated me when we visited them two months ago. It was a tough conversation and I had to be very careful about what I said, because no one wants to hear anything negative about their parents. I communicated how she makes me feel like an outsider (by giving him several examples). She never, ever calls me (except when she needs me to do something for her – she lives in Canada and I am in Pakistan), while my own mother dotes on my husband and treats him like her son. Long story short, my husband did absolutely nothing about it, said nothing. The recent incident happened four days ago, where he went for a cricket match telling me he’d be back in just a few hours – he came back after 9 hours. I don’t ever want to become the kind of wife who doesn’t want her husband to have his free time, where he can do his hobbies, but I got extremely mad because he didn’t tell me throughout those 9 hours that he’d be so late, and we had a ton of errands to do together. Worst, he came home and pretended everything was ok. I was extremely mad and didn’t talk to him the entire evening, went to the guest room and slept there (he didn’t come to ask what was up) and the next day, when I was still not talking to him (purely out of complete shock and ANGER that he has not bothered to address the issue for over 14 hours), I was leaving for a family gathering when he came and said ‘what’s your problem?’ I was enraged, and basically shit hit the fan and I was so so angry at him, I told him he can’t even open his mouth to say ‘Sorry babe, I know I got really late’, or ANYTHING at all, how would he ever speak up for me in front of his parents.

    Its been four days and we have not been talking. He hasn’t tried to approach the subject again and I continue to be extremely angry with his attitude. I feel like he has zero communication skills, and I am seriously concerned about our future together. Please, please help me.

    October 31, 2018 at 11:40 am #234789
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ras:

    I would like to understand better, therefore I ask; when you complained to him about his mother who lives in another country, what is it that you wanted him to say or do; what reaction on his part would  have been satisfactory to you?

    Another question: when he came home late, nine hours after leaving, did you tell him anything or were you angry but silent?

    anita

    October 31, 2018 at 11:58 am #234799
    ras
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Answering your first question: I would have liked him to acknowledge my concerns, and try and understand where I am coming from. Instead, he told me that she has always been this way (briefly here, my complain/concern was that she never acknowledged anything that I had done for her – for example, we were at their house for my sister-in-law’s wedding, and us South Asians have huge weddings and a lot of hard work goes into it. I had prepared my SIL’s entire set of clothes, jewelry etc, and my MIL’s, as well as my FIL’s and BIL’s. She never once acknowledged it, or thanked me for any work I did. Additionally, I witnessed her thanking and praising everyone from an adult to a child from HER side of the family who participated in the wedding, but not a word to her own family, which hurt me a lot. I was also upset with the way she treats my husband – she yells at him in front of relatives and orders him around and never appreciates anything he does either). I did not, therefore, understand how that response is supposed to make me feel better – its like saying that she will always remain this way and you have to learn to deal with it, am I right?

    Secondly, when he came home late, I did not say anything to him. The reason for this is because I had a massive expectation from him to at least acknowledge that his wife had been home and waiting for him all day, and had been looking forward to spending time with him. Everyone says that expectations always lead to disappointments and perhaps it is my fault that I had expected him to acknowledge that he had been away much longer than he had told me. Is this too much to ask for…. I don’t know. So I genuinely feel that a huge reason why I feel so hurt right now, four days later, is my own fault.

    October 31, 2018 at 12:08 pm #234805
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ras:

    His mother yells at him,  in front of  people, doesn’t appreciate what he does for her. No wonder she doesn’t appreciate you either, being the wife of the son she disrespects so clearly. What a shame that she treats him this way, her own son!

    If he can’t and won’t assert himself with his mother, after probably a lifetime of her yelling at him, he is not likely to stand up for you when she doesn’t express appreciation for you. Maybe he would have stood up to her if she yelled t you.

    I don’t think that it is reasonable or fair for you to complain to him about his mother. Best is to not do anything for her and better yet, to not spend money visiting her and to not have her in your home. In your shoes, I wouldn’t allow into my home anyone who will scream at my husband, be it his mother or a stranger.

    As far as being late, I think he should have contacted you to tell him he was late, didn’t he have a phone, or a way to contact you?

    anita

    October 31, 2018 at 9:10 pm #234897
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear ras,

    You are concerned about the future of the relationship. What we seek from a relationship is safety and security. Knowing that we are loved and appreciated . Knowing that we are missed when we are not around. When that goes missing we become upset and start panicking.

    We tend to behave in a way we feel will get us what we want. The behavior is based on previous patterns and relationships and what needs to be asked is if it is serving its purpose in helping us.

    Withdrawing and not talking about the way you feel or attacking your loved one with accusations may not help the relationship. Take a step back to watch what you are doing. Remind yourself of what you seek from the relationship.

    Firmly, calmly, repeatedly state this to the person what you are expecting. If the person reciprocates, it will be a win win for both of you but do remember that how he does so is based on what his patterns of behavior are. See if you can see beyond that and see if you can find his need for being loved behind any behavior that he demonstrates.

    Take care

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Prash.
    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Prash.
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