I would tell his wife, or the HR department. I know it seems a bit forward, but if he’s coming to you for help he might be looking for ways to talk about his struggles. I was in a similar boat and my friend reported me to guidance, and my parents. I got in trouble, but I was never angry with the friend who reported me. It might tax your friendship, but it’s one option. Or suggest that you both tell his wife together? I know it’s ideal and helpful to have a third person POV so that the person being confessed to doesn’t overreact, at the same time its a personal issue, so boundaries are also important. I’m sorry if I wasn’t much help.

christy,

I’m sorry for your difficulties, and understand how difficult it can be to set healthy boundaries with friends. Especially when those friends are clearly in need. In my opinion, you’re having two separate but related issues. One, you mistake enabling for kindness. Two, you lack the trust in yourself that brings about your courage.

The first issue, mistaking enabling and kindness is a normal thing to go through, and one most compassionate people have to learn. To sit there and listen to him lament his suffering (whine and moan and wail and beat his chest and dump) is not actually being a good friend. It’s like watching a horse flail his legs in a mudddy bog, and walking up to the horse and stroking its face, brushing its hair. What the horse really needs though, what the kindest thing to do for the horse, is taking a whip and smacking it on the ass. That is what makes the horse jump free from the mud. See?

Said differently, we all need connection, but as you’ve been intuitively feeling, he needs someone to kick his ass. A therapist, a teacher, a mentor… someone that will listen to his stories and then give him the truth, give him whatever it is that he needs to take the hard look at himself and make a change. This can be you, but it’s not your job… “not mine” said the Buddha.

For the second issue, lacking courage and trust in yourself… consider how you’ve been instinctually flowing with the energy you need, but keeping your lips zipped, holding it back, and now it’s rotted into anger. Said differently, you’ve felt the agitation, the invasiveness into your space, and inside, the force has been there to shut him up and shuffle him out. At first, perhaps it was there with kindness, but you were scared to express it. Now, its like a roaring bear “stop dumping on me!!!!” Had you expressed it in the beginning, now it wouldn’t be so violent.

At this point, consider spending time forgiving. Forgive yourself for being afraid to set boundaries for so long. Forgive him for suffering and using you as a “dumping friend”. Accept neither of you meant for the friendship to become chaotic and dysfunctional, and it’s normal for it to happen. Then, stand up, and warmly but firmly speak your mind and heart to him. Don’t punch furiously into your keyboard, hoping he gets the hint. Don’t hint at all. Honor yourself and him by being courageous enough to say what you have to say, being direct and clear. It’s OK to express your frustration, sister, if that’s what is there. Sometimes, its exactly what is needed for both of you.

May your inner voice be heard, sis, and all the magic to follow.

With warmth,
Matt
http://www.compassreadings.net

Dear christy:

You are welcome and I am glad there has been a healthy development. Habits though are often difficult to break and he may need a reminder. If he forgets and on a day he feels more distressed and stops by your office for the same, it is important that you remind him right there and then of your interaction that you described above and so you re-assert yourself and help him break this habit.

Post anytime with updates, or any other topic.

anita