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Setting a boundary and needing to be left alone

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  • August 30, 2018 at 12:10 pm #223739
    Eva
    Participant

    When you have a toxic family member, someone you have been close with but who constantly hurts you and treats you inferior and you finally draw a line in the sand and ask that person to leave you alone for awhile…and they don’t respect that line…what’s the right thing to do as far as birthdays?

    When her birthday rolls around, should I send a “Happy Birthday” message? I already know the response would be catty and passive-aggressive. But if I don’t, I’ll hear about that later too.

    I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

    This person is extremely toxic and hurtful; always the victim; complete disregard for my feelings because hers are the only feelings that matter…

    It’s so hard. Exhausting. I know it’s for the best, for my own health and sanity. I’ve always had a toxic family. I guess acceptance and knowing which lines to draw where is where I’m having the most issue.

    August 31, 2018 at 2:43 am #223813
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Eva,

    All I can say is remove yourself from the situation completely. Toxic people are not worth your thoughts, worries and time. If it’s hurting you then you might as well be damned if you don’t. Eventually you won’t care about the damning altogether.

    I left my family six years ago and the distance helped me detach. It will be hard at first because you will be ridden with guilt but that is exactly how toxic people keep you close.

    Love yourself and do what is best for you.

    Good luck xxx

    August 31, 2018 at 4:55 am #223835
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Eva:

    My answer is that the right thing to do is to not acknowledge her birthday or the person who has the birthday at all, at any time of the year. Better have no contact whatsoever with a person who “constantly hurts you and treats you inferior” and who is “extremely toxic and hurtful; always the victim; completely disregard for my feelings because hers are the only feelings that matter”.

    I suggest this not only because it is logical to do so, for your own well being, but because I did it myself, ending all contact with my mother. I do regret not having ended all contact, but not having done so many years earlier.

    anita

    August 31, 2018 at 5:06 am #223839
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Eva,

    Birthdays are for children IMHO. Spouses, parents, and the boyfriends/girlfriends you want to keep are the exception. If this is a parent, just a card in the mail will do. You have acknowledged them but you don’t have to deal with them. If it is a sibling, well, they will find SOMETHING to be displeased about. Your choice. No right or wrong here.

    Best,

    Inky

    September 1, 2018 at 7:16 am #223953
    Annie12
    Participant

    It sounds as though a card would really just be a token gesture anyway so don’t do it.  Put your efforts into what’s really meaningful for you.

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