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  • August 1, 2016 at 5:16 pm #111231
    Inky
    Participant

    OK, I wrote a post called Old Group from College, so this is Part Two, I guess. Also, this is more for me venting, but ANY words of comfort or wisdom would be appreciated!

    My college boyfriend (C.B.F.) had gotten married recently. Before he even met his spouse, every few years he would email or FB Friend Request me. I would never add him (but would send a short, polite “Hey C.B.F., glad to hear from you, hope you are well!”), then he’d withdraw the request after a month or two, wait a year or so and request again. Finally I Accepted his Request on try #3. He never bothered me or acted inappropriately as a FB Friend, and was normal.

    His wedding happened and a month later I went on his page and saw all the festivities. A month after that I felt a “shift in the Force” (don’t know how else to describe it). Then realized that I couldn’t see him on my laptop on FB. Was all, “That little guy blocked me?! What the..?” BUT did notice that on my FB iPhone app he WAS still listed as a Friend, but when I went on his Profile I could see only the one exchange we had had back in ’12.

    So as a shaming “revenge” of sorts, (this is a few weeks later now), I Messaged him. (Fairly confident he didn’t think I could still contact him on Messenger).

    I wrote, “No FB drama, just stepping out of the sandbox. Be back in 2017!” Then Unfriended him over my Phone and hid my Friends List.

    So if his new bride had secretly blocked me he thinks that I’m taking a break from FB.

    But if HE blocked me he will be either confused (“I thought I blocked her!”) or he will be shamed (“Oh God, she noticed!”). In any event, once again HE would have to RE-Friend ME!

    Like in my earlier post, I will NOT be an add-on or “benched” again!

    Thoughts guys?

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    August 2, 2016 at 2:00 pm #111346
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Dear Inky,
    your relationship with C.B.F. is somewhat confusing for me.
    In your first post about this topic you were sad about being excluded from C.B.F.s wedding (or at least about not being mentioned as part of the „92 Crew“). But you also weren’t too close to C.B.F., it seems, since for a long time you wouldn’t even let him add you on facebook. Did he ever answer when you wrote “Hey C.B.F., glad to hear from you, hope you are well!”? Now it seems he blocked you without any obvious reason and of course it makes you wonder why. Did he block you? Was it his new wife? What happened? Well all you can do is guess and that is not very useful. You wrote “No FB drama” in a different context, but maybe you should take that to heart for yourself as well. How important is this „friend“ for you, if you haven’t chatted since 2012?

    Facebook can be a useful tool, but it can also lead to depression. My suggestion would be that you concentrate more on your real life friends and aquaintances for a while. What activities could you do with them? What could you do to put a smile on their face? C.B.F. might not seem so important anymore then.

    If I misunderstood something please let me know. Also I hope my post does not sound too harsh, I really appreciate the advice you often give others in the forum.

    Btw. Since you unfriended him, the ball is in your court, actually. You wrote “Be back in 2017!” which I would take as “Be back in 2017 and then I will add you again”.

    August 2, 2016 at 3:00 pm #111349
    Inky
    Participant

    Thanks for replying!

    Well, he broke my heart, so it took a long time for me to be OK with him peering into my life at all on social media.

    Let’s see, back before email we did have a short exchange. I don’t remember him replying back when FB came around honestly. That doesn’t mean he never did, I just don’t remember.

    And we would Message each other about once a year, that one time exchange I could see was on his Wall, but he would make a comment on mine and I on his. I should have been more clear, sorry! By exchange I meant a back and forth conversation.

    I guess I was just miffed because I opened the door after three tries and much contemplation … and then suddenly he blocks. It took a lot for me to do that.

    Ironically a minute after I Unfriended him/Messaged him through the iPhone one of my real friends invited me out for coffee!

    August 2, 2016 at 3:03 pm #111350
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. And after I Messaged him I could tell he read it but NO reply. Meaning he knows that I know and feels awkward. And he’s smart enough to take the “Be back in 2017” as a double meaning. Not to mention the ironic “No FB drama”. 😉

    August 2, 2016 at 8:12 pm #111381
    Miniature Bodhisattva
    Participant

    Oh goodness gracious, the social landmine infested landscape that is Facebook…

    …let’s just say, for a moment, Mark Zuckerberg had decided to stay at Harvard and study medieval French history instead of dropping out and founding the social networking site we all love (or loathe) today. In an Internet-less world would you have kept up CBF after he got engaged, nevermind married? (Like call him, send him a holiday letter, etc.) If your answer is no, why? If your answer is yes, why? Take the technology out of this for a moment, and it might give you some insight as to what to do.

    Not that you owe his new bride anything, but I would recommend taking a moment to step into her shoes and think about how you’d feel if an ex was reaching out to your spouse/significant other. I know I would be upset unless there was some really good reason (they share a child together for example). It wouldn’t even be out of jealousy per se, but more of a symbolic holding onto a past that should be released.

    Hopefully I’m not out of line with what I said, but I’ve never understood why folks are “friends” with people on FB they wouldn’t be in contact with them in real life.

    My two cents (or should I say given the technological nature of this thread, my two bitcoins). 🙂

    August 3, 2016 at 5:55 am #111415
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    I agree with the wife’s point of view. Although I never initiated contact after they were married or engaged. We were still FB Friends though. I totally get that.

    And no, if computers never existed I would never have communicated with him, but he did call me once when we were out of school and most people were computer-less. He would contact me (I suspect) because he felt nostalgic or he would be “fishing” (I was always married!). Conversely, I would not have called/mailed him (in a computer-less world) because I was married with children and/or I was still guarding my heart if single.

    If the wife tweaked his settings, I would feel less miffed (and feel bad for him). But if he did it, yes, I am miffed. Like, get over yourself buddy!

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