Dear CluelessCarrot:

This is what you wrote about your part in this relationship: “I always doubted (her) feelings, and at the time, I thought it was the best way for me… I’ve always been suspicious and skeptical. As soon as something, in my own mind, seemed off, I’ve always closed off from it, and that’s what happened with her.. something made me believe she didn’t like me back, so I cut it off. I felt far too vulnerable… the first weeks after I ghosted her, I was angry and heartbroken. At the time I thought it was the best for me, but I was struggling.. As the months went on, I realized that I longed for her. I really missed her… I was too ashamed to get in touch with her.. For the rest of these years, I’ve only had positive thoughts about her.. I was still deeply in love with her, and that frame I have for her has not left”.

This is what you wrote about her part (and some of yours) in the relationship: “she was only truly affectionate with me in private, when we weren’t with our mutual friends.. from time to time, she would show a bit of affection with  them around, but it was withheld.. I told her I loved her.. She didn’t say it back. Only when I got back to the hostel I was staying at she thanked me a wonderful night and sent me a link to a  song called ‘I love you’.. I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t meet her family, but she met mine. I met her friends, and they all seemed to  know me…people saying ‘So you’re (my name)?’.. ‘You have no idea how much she talks about you'”.

My understanding this morning:

This song she sent you, “I love you”- it probably meant so much to her. She probably thought about you when she heard it, heard it many times, and when she did, I am guessing she felt very strong loving feelings for you.

When you told her that you loved her, that prom night, she didn’t say it back because she felt uncomfortable saying those words, too vulnerable, scared. So she sent you that song to say it to you instead, believing that when you hear it, you will know that she loves you too.

People often make this mistake: because they feel so much when they hear a particular song, they think another person will feel their feelings when hearing the same song. (But most often this  is not the case: people feel strongly about different songs, not the same one).

Why did she feel uncomfortable telling you that she loves you? Here is an example of how that can happen: the little girl that she was ran fast toward her father (or mother) with open arms, a big smile on her face, expecting that he will take her into his arms and pick her up, like he did before. It didn’t occur to her at all that he will not take her into his arms. And this is why it hurt so much when he didn’t (she didn’t even consider it a possibility, she was sure…). When he said to her,  maybe, something like: why are you running, stupid girl! Get away from me, I am busy!-

-her little heart broke. Fast forward, you tell her that you love her, she is afraid to tell you that she loves you, afraid you will do what her father did: tell her that she is stupid and tell her to get away from you.

So she sends you the song- that way she is not there to hear you say to her that she is stupid and she will not be there, present, when tell her to get away from you.

She never introduced you to her parents- maybe they criticized lots of her choices and she didn’t want them to give her more of a hard time. She didn’t show you much physical affection when mutual friends were present- not because she didn’t feel love for  you, but because she didn’t feel comfortable. The example I gave you can explain her discomfort.

She and you had and have a lot in common: the two of you feel a combination of strong love and fear. Both of you grew up in homes where you were less than loved. Both of you are afraid to get hurt by the one you love- she is afraid that you will hurt her and you are afraid that she will hurt you.

The reason you thought it was best for you to ghost her is that you felt “always.. suspicious and skeptical.. too vulnerable”, too scared, too uncomfortable (fear feels very uncomfortable), so you thought it was best for you to.. no longer be scared: you made sure the danger was gone (the danger being she leaving you) when you left her, ghosting her.

Problem  is you left her but you didn’t stop loving her and she got very hurt by you leaving her. After you apologized to her more recently, “she also told me this, ‘I like the idea of us trying something together, but I’m afraid of the result”.

As you proceed, if you will proceed with her toward a relationship, different and better than the one you had the first five years, the two of you will have to confront and manage that fear you both feel. That fear doesn’t have to divide you, it can unite you instead.

Let me know of your thoughts and feelings about what I wrote here, will you?

anita