Dear Anita,

choose wisely, choose how you spend your time, think what is my win

how true and how simple  perhaps how innate for some, but maybe not us – as we were trained to believe our mothers problems are also our own, we had to sit and hear them vent for ours on end

so we may not always choose wisely. We may go by habit or guilt.  It is only with practice that we can begin to undo that.  Yes, yesterday my win was that practice.  I practice self protection and with that will gain confidence in protecting my spirit.

how is your practice going?

Dear Anita,

I am fantastic! I am currently in South Africa! We decided to come here for some of our one month off!

a beautiful country full of nature, wildlife, vineyards, beaches, mointains, and forests. Literally everything you could ask for!

It is nice to getaway here. I am pretty much unplugged. Aside from the message here or there, or this!

It has taught me a lot. To enjoy what I am doing – versus focusing on SHARING what I am doing. Oh how before it felt it was only real If it was shared – how juvenile, and how outward.

Anyway- we have an entirety of one month off to travel. I feel very grateful for this time to explore and live. Deeply and fully. As I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I know that feeling full is not needing too much, to be satiated is to have just the right amount to fill you. Over filling does not mean over experiencing. Visiting foreign countries you often notice the concept of balance, satiety, and equilibrium. Whether it comes from the respect for nature, food portions and ingredients, or concept of  what makes a good life.

Often I would admire this to the point that I would lament the existence of my life back home. I have touched on this several times.

This time I know / not all ways of life are transferable- and to wish such would cause distress. However it is important to appreciate the experiences and people you meet, and carry them in your heart.

And that is just it. I carry in my heart an ability to feel okay, to not necessarily need many people or things anymore. As above, the idea of what is enough is only entirely up to you in that moment. If in that moment It feels okay- then it’s rihht. It’s that simple. No need to look far. We are our own best compass and guide. Homeostasis we maintain in our body and mind- if we allow it. If we don’t overpower it with worry, greed, and impatience. I do hope my life of outward living and focus on “there” not here is slowly dwindling. Of course patterns take time, and there are moments I feel no different – and others I feel not close to the same.

It is all a perspective of our mind. We can be happy with whatever we allow ourselves to be. So let us give ourselves permission to not need much more.

Talk soon – and wish I could send a picture!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I am glad to share my vacation experience thus far with you.  The idea of sharing has changed a lot for me.  Sharing prior was often many pictures and explanations of my day to friends – and above all my mother. sharing with my mother was a great part of my life.

one may think there is a gap or void where that once was, but its quite the opposite, it doesn’t feel strange, it feels more normal. it makes me realize that prior, it was always effort – although it felt natural or habit – it was effort.  I learned that effort doesn’t always appear to be work or deliberate, it can feel like a normal pattern – but be effort nevertheless.  it was always effort to share and involve my mother, it felt joyous, but was it? no it was not.  it was robotic

I see it different now.  I see it as a bigger picture, instead of many small things. akin to seeing a marriage as one or two large statements, versus focusing on some good days with the spouse and some bad days.  the good and bad change, and ebb and flow – however, the large blanket statements, when they speak the truth – remain.  the truth is the truth. it remains the same.

so yes, I see it differently.  I see that I was always trying to live for myself and for my mother, that sounds like 2 lives doesn’t it? or at least 1.5.  to have to live your life and double that, wow how exhausting.  and to do that all the time.  I had to have joy for myself and enough to pour over onto my mother, who was in dire need of such.  yes, I needed all that life and joy and then some. always more always extra…

and then I wondered, or felt sad if I didn’t get it. wow! but who in this world has that?! and who in this world truly needs that?! in fact it is impossible – and not reality. to live for yourself simultaneously and for someone.  to have enough for yourself and enough to pour over. it felt like shooting for the stars.  but it wasn’t.  it was a hopeless tragedy. it was false.

and that it is it – it was delusion not reality.  what I felt I needed and wanted was delusion.  it was fed to me and trained in me. it was not reality, and it was not possible.

my responsibility in this life is to be a good human and to experience joy for myself, and have enough of a good heart to hopefully influence those around me in a positive way, and help them when in need.  my role is not to live for others, in place of others.  my role may be to feel for others, but not on behalf of them – as they too, can feel for themselves.

we must all feel for ourselves first – if we also feel for others at times, great – but first we have to know our own self.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

thank you for liking that line.

Today i had a beautiful day in the sun. But I didn’t feel the same. Today I felt very scared and anxious and also vulnerable. Something that may seem small, I wrote a quick note to a friend wishing her a happy birthday party this evening. And one to a few others. It was odd, as I am not sure why I did this. I guess a few friends Of mine had said send us a picture so I did – and added a quick note.

I then felt foolish for doing so. I felt like – I told myself I wouldn’t communicate much while I’m here, as it helps me stay focused on my husband when I don’t. I also felt foolish because I thought, if those people were on this vacation they wouldn’t be sending me a message – they would be too busy enjoying themselves and focused on each other.

Many old feelings and toxic thoughts cycled back. I felt oberwhelmed by them and anxious and a little sad too. I tried to observe, but I felt uneasy the whole day.