Dear Anita,

yet so many children (and then future adults) come out okay. They don’t suffer in the way we do. Their mothers didn’t have to be “exceptional” they just had to not be selfish and disturbed. Right? Sometimes I wonder.

Why do you think parental dysfunction is so common? To me it’s because so much of the trauma is not processed and passed down to generations and projected further and further. Lack of awareness lack of coping lack of processing. Distress projected.

Dear Anita,

makes sense. I am glad to have insight and awareness. Today was a day I felt sad. I hadn’t felt sad in months probably prior to when I stopped speaking to my mother. I felt sad that this exists and that mothers can do this. I felt angry that it is difficult for others to understand without seeing physical scars, in fact not others, that I sometimes don’t remind myself since I am so functional. I felt annoyed that some people will think it’s out of anger or impulse to feel this way but they have no clue. It is exhausting. It is a lot. It sure is.

Dear Anita,

This weekend, and now today, I recognized the beauty of practice

I was having trouble reminding myself that progress is possible.  Many times in my life I showed progress.  From hating running to (tolerating) it.  From starting as as beginning dancer, to becoming advanced – and going with my passion for it. The list goes on, self discipline is possible.  I have proven to myself many times. 

However, this time around, with this large task of healing – it feels of course much different.  I lost my confidence and faith that self disipline and confidence can lead to life altering progress.

This weekend my practice was simple, I focused on what was.  My husband and I were in NYC looking around at things, and thats what I did.  I didn’t do that and also simultaneously help a friend through a mini crisis.  I didn’t do that and also support my sister through her doubts.  I didn’t do that and also plan my next weekend.  No. I just did what was in front of me.

How new for me.  And I woke up today feeling that much more centered.  A practice of being more centered yesterday, does allow for a more centered today.  It sure does.  All it takes is practice.  

I have faith in practice.  I have faith that if I deliberately attend to my husband and I – this practice will continue to show me progress.  

It will be hard when more distractions present themselves, but with practice, my skill will be more innate and even second nature.

To see the benefit of something the next day, will remind me the importance of this self-discipline.  It is not unlike practicing a good diet, or exercise regimen – this is a diet for my brain, that of removing unecessary toxins and distractions in the mind and the body!

Dear Anita,

yes it is exactly like the impulsive child. Unlike your example, I never had a mother to calm me, instead she exacerbated the impulsivity and distress. She not only added to it she promoted it. Thus, I never learned to calm that inner child that is impulsive. Thus, now I can mother this impulsive inner child. Remind her to walk not run, to take it slow. That nothing good comes from rushing and over doing. Sink in. And savor

Dear Anita,

I am concerned about the smoke you are around.  You are in the NW united States I assume? Is there a location for you to go to that is further removed from breathing these particles? I do hope it clears up soon, I am here to chat about it if needed of course.

Thank you, the interview went well.  Not well because it was anything spectacular, but well because I am more “well.”

I discovered that most of my heart and brain were occupied by my mother, and the mother voice.  She took most of the real estate in me.  She of course “owned me” as an extension of her, we were one unit in her eyes.

So all of this real estate was occupied by her, by negativity, by her voice, by fear, by plain blockage.

How much depth there is for the human being to feel, to love, to have joy – the great depths of the mind and soul.  It is possible, if there is space.  I would search for this space in my 20s, search for it, and it wasn’t in me, no this space was occupied by the mother, and thus I would search for it outside of me (one more reason to seek outward, plus all that we have already spoken about).

Of course this space does not miraculously appear in me – mother is gone, so bam, there’s open flow back.  Of course not, but I do get glimpses of how SIMPLE, EASY, and FEARLESS moments in life can be if we can be truly immersed in it.  If we can walk down the block and really just walk.  If we can go to an interview, and simply speak about the job and observe.  Not have the majority of our self stuck to other ideas/notions that serve no purpose at that time.

That’s analogous to walking down the street with your eyes closed and wondering why the commute was so difficult and cumbersome.  Having your eyes closed by all the weight of your mother’s abuse and issues.

so then why not just open your eyes and walk? well first that was foreign, and second it felt impossible.  too easy! too simple! life must be more complex and complicated! it must be painstaking! if it isn’t it’s not living.

now i see that these mothers, their life is one big blob of nothingness.  they attempt to fill their void with hysteria, drama, and torture.  they attempt to create meaning by taking real estate in their innocent children, pushing their issues onto them, fixating on their daughters, on others.

but no, this space does not belong to them.  we are born on this earth of our own skin, blood, hearts, and brains. this space, our life, belong only to us.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.