Dear Anita,

You (mother) never valued my emotions. You made me into this strong almighty being but you’re stupid and disgusting. A stupid prostitute that had an affair your disgusting outfits and make up – clown like!

How did you teach me anything! It’s like a dumb uneducated whore taking her daughter to Harvard Interviews and acting like she has a clue what she’s doing and what life is about. How disgusting.

I literally terrorize my mind daily 100000 times per day – yet you sleep soundly. You with your stupid body that you think is gods gift to men – just a mush of fat. The stretch marks you so “charmingly” remind my sister and I were the result of her sacrifice of motherhood. Shut the hell up you idiot. Your stretch marks aren’t unique. And the fact that you never lost the baby weight is because you’re an unmotivated shell of a person that can do absolutely nothing. You have e done nothing in your life, zero progress. Co tributed nothing to the world. Congratulations for terrorizing me – do you want a diploma?!

And how the hell do you dare not just put me down but an entire family (my husband’s) that is outside your own. Some nerve you have. Some nerve. You think you’re so innocent and unlucky and subdued. You’re a lion. Who the hell calls up strangers and barks orders at them like Donald Trump. Who do you think you are?!

I remember shortly after I got married you mentioned you wanted to go on a vacation. Of course you did – that’s all you know how to do. I was kind of to discuss with you. Like a puppet fool. And your response is, I would ask you to come but I know you’ll be to busy with HIM.

Him!?

You f–ing idiot. That him is my husband. That person remember – that person you wanted me.to find my whole entire life. Would terrorize me about in my 20s and harass and threaten me about. Oh ya him. Oh yes the guy I met that you adored and went around town boasting about. Ya that’s him you idiot

Yes that same HIM that you beat down just like you beat me down.

So now you want to be envious of Ni?! Well look at you 4 foot nothing blob with no education, taking the livelihood from 2 young physicians that have their entire lives ahead of them. Making them both feel old and worn and hopeless. Are you happy now idiot parrot. Parrot pecking at me over and over stupid parrot voice – mother voice. Peck peck peck.

I’ll read your reply, in the mean time I thought about how my anger at S and wedding is probably anger at the stupid culture of these weddings – and how it doesn’t actually value anything. If she or other brides valued friends ore than the production – they wouldn’t pick such expensive hotels.

So the whole wedding aspect of my culture I think I am disgusted at – and S and her wedding planning shows me that more and more.

Also reminds me of how I time and again put the needs of others before myself. My husband same if not more. We would NEVER ever send an email like that. My in laws would feel so shameful as well. They would say “if we have the money to throw such a big wedding – we surely have the money to make it easier on many of our guests.” Thinking of others before themselves.

S email just reminds me of how most people don’t think about others. She didn’t have shame and guilt sending that ridiculous email. Why? So many people do that for Indian weddings. Who cares! But I would care. It just shows how people continue to do what suits them and makes their lives easier and have no concern how that looks or affects others.

Dear Anita,

for crying out loud, you don’t need that headache

Is right. That’s it. I don’t. The only reason I will go is out of obligation and friendship. I’m not sure if you read my post before this as it pasted at the same time as your reply. It starts with “I’ll read your reply”

I don’t need any headache Anita. No one else’s at least – I have my own daily (lol again)

Please remind me again when necessary –that I don’t need external headaches will you? Thanks in advance!!

And yes another reminder of how people can be kind and good friends, but still selfish in the sense of getting their needs met in any way without regards to shame and guilt.

So much shame and guilt I have to relinquish!

I’ll continue with whatever flows.

So I think it’s ridiculous that people just do whatever they want. God. But we talked about it before Anita the concept of them “getting away with it.” It’s useless way to see it.

More importantly is the concept of shifting focus. Not acting like idiot teenagers for God’s sake!!!

But the shame Anita oh the shame! My mother planted the shame and guilt tree deep didn’t she? Everything guilt and shame. Don’t answer a text – guilt. Don’t attend an event – guilt.

Yes I am working on it. I think a key is the exprirement. Just like the one with mean lady doc.

Do it and see what happens. Ta da!

Nothing! You didn’t feel so bad after all did you. Perhaps with this practice and NOT explaining myself , just doing (such as simply not answering S phone calls and being distant on text and not involved or enthusiastic) is key.

Just do it

Wow just wow! Morocco is one of my FAVORITE PLACES IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! I will elaborate more on that one day.

I knew it! I knew you had a unique background. And I don’t want this to sound strange but omg the beauty! Moroccan and Romanian wow exquisite. Oh Anita I feel even more true “affection”  towards you – I also feel a closeness to you further than before knowing that you have cultural understanding from an “ethnic” or immigrant perspective as well.

Wow – I feel amazed and I feel a nice sweetness.

Dear Anita,

Comfort is important. True comfort that is. Developed and “earned”

I recall in my 20s finding “comfort” way too easily. Trusting the judgement and opinions of people who far from deserved this sort of value, respect or “adoration.” Yet not being grounded to find comfort where I truly needed to – within myself and true supporters (at that time first of all boyfriend)

Can’t get annoyed at the other party – as it was my lack of guidance – not the opposite party’s doing. My blinders.

More than a decade later – that pattern and scenario continues. Perhaps not overtly but covertly. Looking to others as a guide versus my husband and I.

Well that is the work we do here isn’t it?

In My next  post I will continue the anger exercise. Rest assured the migraine inducing wedding will not make a return to our conversation. And let it be a reminder for not taking on any un- needed headaches. How much of life stress is from the concept of taking on more headaches when you already have a daily Central one so to speak.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.