Dear Anita,

thank you for your hard and thoughtful work with me today. Thank you for giving me your candid advice and opinions. Thank you for also knowing me well enough (by now) so that I ca. Speak to you knowing you will understand. That is a breath of fresh air.

The aspect of not diving into guilt about my past mistakes with her. So very true. I didn’t have the growth and awareness I do now. And therefore to hold myself to guilt and feel that I should just be okay with passive aggressive behavior is senseless. That is a lose lose situation.

Also it is not the fault of neither my sister nor I- but a product of our upbringing as you stated.

I am heading home now. Luckily my husband is already home. We are going to have a deep thoughtful conversation this evening about all that I spoke to you about. No distraction.
I will update you tomorrow on it.

you know – you helped me a lot today. It isn’t about the decision itself today, but the concept of how to approach it. In the second aspect, of how there is much work to be done on my focusing on inner circle – and especially now more than ever – there is no room for any damaging behavior from anyone.

I appreciate today Anita. I will talk to you very soon. Enjoy your walk today if you are embarking on it soon.

Dear Anita,

fyi before I proceed today, the parentheses key on my computer is broken so I will use dashes.

Good morning.  I hope you enjoyed the walk you had yesterday after a rest.

I went home yesterday evening, with a lot of clarity from our conversations.  I walked in to my apartment and I see my husband there sitting on the couch with his laptop, looking concentrated.  I ask him what he is doing, and he responds: “going over the contract -SD – and thinking of follow up questions and counter options.  I said okay.

So, it looked to me when I walked in that my husband was deep in thought about the SD position.

What a contrast from the morning.  I had read him 2 of your emails during the day – as I told you, and we had both spoke about them as well.

So I gently – something new for me – proceed.  I ask “so what are your thoughts. and do you want to go to your parents today.”

We decided that it was too late to go to his parents, and we could go this weekend.  My husband seem calm and collected.  We went over the SD contract piece by piece and came out with more questions and comments.  After that was done, we spoke more.

He stated that the SD contract is pretty simple.  And the group is very supportive.  They are offering to keep him as an employee for 2 years if that makes him more comfortable versus just one – before heading onto the full private route.  I said that is good.  We continued to talk about some benefits of it.

We then spoke about my potential job at the Naval Medical Center.  How it would be “low key” compared to the private world I am in where they try to stick as many cases as possible – like I always tell you here 18 cases in a day no time for lunch etc.

He mentioned that a MAJOR stresser for him is me.  And of course when he said that he didn’t mean it in an accusatory sense but in the sense of:

I have been so up and down over the last few years, leading to a great deal of distress for him.  You know about this Anita so I don’t need to elaborate it all.  He worries that even if we move to SD I won’t be happy.  Or even if we stay here I won’t be happy.  He worries tremendously about whether I will be okay if I don’t find a great job – and just settle on whatever is there.  This comes from my unhappiness in CT where I only was able to find part time work.

I explained to him that year in CT was terrible because it was daily abuse from my mother.  Nothing made me happy.  I felt inadequate because my first job as a true doctor wasn’t so great – or even full time – so I resented that. I resented every single moment, because my mother was making my life a living hell.

He of course knows this –  but was airing his fears and worries.  Which I am glad for.

I then continued to explain to him that of course I am not “all better” but I have made tremendous progress.

1-ive cut out many toxic people out of my life, aside from my mother

2- my goal for work now is peace, i no longer care so much about career progression per se.  but peace of mind

3- i’ve made changes to my mentality in regards to my sister – this was a huge thing holding me back.  I notice I have still more work to do in this, in the concept of knowing she is not part of our inner circle

and more…

He listened carefully, it is not the first time we have had this conversation – it won’t be the last.  The thing is, as you likely know even better than me, is that it takes time for someone to feel this deep down inside.  I think of him as someone that has been traumatized by myself and my family – not to take blame or guilt for it right now just stating the facts.  It takes time for him to heal, and it takes time for us to heal together, mending old wounds, seeing new sides of one another.  This all takes time – and of course the timing of the move is now – not 10 years from now where there is much more history.  As is life.

The evening was pleasant.  We enjoyed each other’s company and spent time with our dog and watched some TV.  We didn’t continue to converse about it all et nauseum and decided to visit his parents over the weekend.  I think that is a great idea as there is more time as well then to spend there.

——–

I thought a lot about our last conversations yesterday about my sister.  I realize how much I still prioritize her, and a lot of it out of guilt.  I am glad we had those last conversations yesterday as it allows me to free myself from guilt over time, similar to how I did with my mother.  I will think about this some more.

Dear Anita,

One of my favorite posts from you, of all time.  Not only because you believe I did a great, A plus job, but because it is a perfect example of a back-and-forth between us that we both fully comprehend.  I TRULY comprehend everything that you wrote here.  No, many of these are not new topics for us.  You have mentioned many times how I should not ever be aggressive with my husband, and more.  Yet, today, this morning – I truly can take into account all that you wrote.  I want to reflect a little on why that is now, versus before…

I notice that it is my frenzied nature/behavior that causes more stress than anything.  You highlighted this in your post.  It isn’t so much about the CONTENT of what is going on.  The exact issue, worry, scenario.  It is more of the approach.  Is the approach stress oriented, or is it patient and thoughtful.

In my history it has not been patient or thoughtful.  I look back at my childhood and can hardly recall any scenario like this.  I recall one coming to mind, my father helping me sell my car.  At first it starting off relaxed and calm, and quickly escalating to anxiety, then aggression, then hysteria.  Just like that – always.  My norm was insanity.  My norm was stress.  My norm IS STRESS.

I know if a person does not believe something about themselves, it is difficult for them to manifest it often.  I do not truly believe that I can be a low key low stress person deep down inside.  I think perhaps I am addicted to being stressed and frenzied and thus seek it even when there is no place for it.  Now being a perfect time to be aware of this.

So in conclusion here: it isn’t about the topic, as much as my approach to it.  The concept of a frenzied/stressed approach vs. a gentle/calm one.

————–

Now back to your post above:

You do not have.. the luxury of expressing any aggression at all against him. You do need to be honest with him, of course, be true to yourself, be assertive, yes, but never, ever aggressive.

I do not have this luxury.  No I do not.  I have not been doing a consistent job in reminding myself this.  When I realize this is a priority for me, for us – I will make it a consistent act on my end.

Have his stress level in mind at all times and choose your words and behavior so to not increase his stress level,

Yes, as above.

Also, show him, over time, that you are calm and collected in different scenarios, no matter what, and he will learn to trust you to remain calm (and you will trust yourself as well, Self Trust and all).

This is key.  He will learn to trust me. Only with consistency.  I can visualize this happening.  I can see it being real – I truly can.  Therefore, I know I have it in me, and I know he has it in him.  We are a great, hard-working team.  And he is a patient, loving man.  I know we can do it.

Lastly, the part of my sister.  I can’t explain how pivotal this is for me.  The guilt remains – it is a reality, and will only decrease over time — I mean I recall being ever so guilty over my mother’s every emotion years ago, and that went away.  I know this is different, but in many ways similar.  Not being responsible for someone else’s well being.  Not being responsible to make sure someone is okay and stable.  Not feeling guilty to give more of myself just by nature of familial relationships.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I read your post carefully.  It makes great sense to me and I am going to let it sink in, and read it once more.

The part that I do want to comment on right now, that occurred to me as a flicker is this:

My guilt associated with my sister is holding me back.  A weight with a sharp spark that ignites frenzy – as you so aptly alluded.

Do you recall about a year ago – you explained to me something very important? You stated how the first struggle of sorts was “breaking up” so to speak with my parents.  And now here- is number two – breaking up with my sister – so to speak.  I don’t recall all the details of what we discussed.

Shortly thereafter I went on a hiatus of more than a month or so of not speaking to my sister.  It was during this time that I could actually sink in to being in nyc, and my next chapter.  As the beginning of this chapter was inundated by her.

So then of course we began to speak again and learned to develop a better relationship.

Anyway, there was a point where we had gotten into some small argument, and she said: “well you didn’t even talk to me for a month or two after we moved here, how rude!!”

“how rude”

I realized how she did not get it at all.  I realize that this ignited even more guilt on my end.  Not for not having talked to her then, no that was a good idea. I did not regret that.  But I realized at that very moment that she had no clue.  She made it entirely about her.  She felt entitled to speak to me, and did not think “why would I not be spoken to.” Or if she did think of that, it did not come out as her main reaction.  Her main reaction was anger and that she was done wrong.  How it was unfair.

Fast forward until now.  I notice that I do not believe her to be someone who is capable of truly getting it entirely.  Issue is she THINKS she always gets it.  So sometimes I am fooled.  But I must remind myself this is untrue.  And it is not my responsibility to explain to her – but responsibility to myself and my husband to maintain peace and non-frenzy.

I notice her passive aggressive communication makes me quite uncomfortable.  Physically and mentally. I’ll put an example here just to organize it in my brain.

She was over our apartment for an hour or so 2 weeks ago I think.  She stopped by on Friday after work before plans with her friend.  We all sat and talked and mostly focused on my dog.

I asked her what time she was meeting her friend.  She replies sort of petulantly: I dunno!

ok.

Then later on she states she is heading out to meet her friend.  I say ok cool, what are you guys doing.  Same response. I dunno!

I recall feeling weird about this.  Not worried or anything.  But she had no idea how weird that came off.  And how it is passive agressive.  someone is asking you a normal direct question.  Your answer is not normal.  You are literally walking out to meet this person and you don’t know what you are doing? answer like a normal person and say – i am heading to meet her and then we will figure it out.

It was almost like she was uncomfortable and distressed about meeting her friend, that she projected that out.  Or unaware of the plan and perhaps annoyed about it, and so projected that out.

Point being it is not about the friend or plan – but this sort of thing – we all may do it — is a reminder to me that like you said – she expresses anger in many different ways.  Not just overt.  But subtle, and perhaps even silent.

Often the frenzy I feel around her could be sensing this, even nonverbally.  I do think so.

Anyway – like we have spoken about – the guilt must go.  Explanation is futile.  Focus on what I need to do.  And some point – my guilt will fade.