Dear Anita,

I forgot to add – there is an anesthesiology job at the Naval Medical Center that I am hoping to get! How interesting.

I think the fact that I don’t have a true job lined up also causes anxiety for him (rightfully so – as in the past I have been very adamant about having appropriate career opportunities) – a lot of this was during a time in which I didn’t have much control over my emotions – back when Ursula was in my life.  Now, a lot of my shift has changed.  I still would like to work to the best of my ability – but choose peace over career “progress” per se.  As in not looking at the career trajectory, entrepreneurship etc as much as I am looking for a peaceful way of life – for both my husband and I.

Dear Anita,

My thoughts?

A smile – a big one.  The first one of the day.  And want to know what more? Small tears welling up in my eyes.

Why? Because finally through all this frenzy over the last week – I had someone (I trust – you) put it into concrete words! Oh I should have talked to you sooner (but wanted to think things out more, and felt burdening you with a “problem”)

—

Anita,

You said it so well.  I want to print this out and bring this to their home.  We may in fact be going over to their house (an hour and a half upstate from here) after work today or tomorrow.  Not to “rush” but time is of the essence to reduce distress.  There is no need for this distress to become insurmountable.  As I said earlier – I thought the following would be key.

A set of loving, supportive, not personally biased, not selfish/self oriented parents are important as mentors as well.  They have lived many lives and have always given the advice of : “we weren’t able to do all that you can, go and be free and live your dreams.” What’s more is that they are honest – the conversation you stated above is EXACTLY what we need, and literally word for word what I imagine! (oh my you are good at this!!).

This is exactly just what is necessary.  How about that…

—-

okay next thought more technicalities- away from above (as we will discuss this with his parents and I will fill you in).

The jobs.

So, you (maybe more than anyone) knows how much his job has affected him. When we discussed this over this week, and mostly this morning – he felt often that (I am paraphrasing)–>

“perhaps he is being too sensitive.” that before his eyes they are making changes for the better. how ironic! they are hiring additional staff and a physician’s assistant to make the daily life less burdensome.

to this we counter act – sure they may be doing these things, but will it really change the overall job and trajectory over the years? impossible to say.  But one thing is for sure.  The difficult patient population will always remain this way.  The difficult infrastructure of a hospital in this population will remain difficult. (not that San diego is simply a walk in the park).

Next,

Yes, I am not a mother yet.  But let’s for conversation sake go here.

We have a child in the next 2 years.

1) We are in nyc, he is now 2 years further in his job here and continuing to make a stable salary and moving up in many ways

2) we are in San Diego.  Brand new surgeon in a practice.  He is in the “ramping up” phase.  This means that he is salaried for the first year and supported.  After this he becomes a partner in an “eat what you kill”  mode.  AS in he is his own boss in some ways as long as he reaches the quota the practice would like (this is how it is everywhere in private practice all over the country).  Currently he is working as an employee at an hospital.  It is the difference between being an:

employed vs. private physician

employed: stable salary not as much of an impetus to become busier and busier

cons: not much room for personal growth, not much ability to change things like call schedule (weekend calls), not much ability to add on staff that you want (as the hospital administrators dictate this)

private: salaried for one year, after this more of a “risk” in the sense that it is “eat what you kill and thus there is an impetus to be busy enough.  ability to be as busy as you want once you meet your “minimum” as in the current spine surgeon who is out there is working half days on Fridays to spend time with family. (he is almost 50 and has been at this practice since his 30s so he has set himself up)

My husband said this morning:

We aren’t 25 anymore, not even 30.  wouldn’t we want to stay in an area where things are more “stable” at this age – the time of settling down.  Versus go to an area where I would have to start from scratch and ramp up?

not sure if above submitted properly

Dear Anita,

I read your entire post, and read it to my husband.  (I had a gap between patients and he was driving home).

You hit the nail on the head:

In figuring out the reasonable choice, you have to compute not only objective pros and cons but also the mental state of the individuals concerned.

I think what he is saying is that he is too tired, too old to “ramp up”, which is what the SD prospect requires.

You are absolutely correct.  An “old” worn out soul – the last thing it needs/wants to do is “hit the ground running.” even if it is in their heart of hearts to “want” this – they simply can not.

To choose peace, in this scenario, is to choose stability – not risk.  To choose comfort versus ramp-up.  To choose family (less uneasiness about moving away from his parents).

I am going to think all of this through.

Most importantly – you know me so well.  I have the tendency to interrupt and interject often, especially when I am stressed or impassioned about a topic.  You know, the last time we had this in depth conversation with his parents at their home, explaining the differences between the SD and newport job (that we weren’t going for) was the day before Thanksgiving.  We also spoke about the move in general. My sister was there as was her dog.  2 dogs running around their house creating ruckus.  My sister is not an outside person per se, but it wasn’t the right environment to sit down and talk candidly, nor did my husband feel relaxed given the frenzied dogs and noise.  (i think he felt happy my sister was there, but deep down annoyed that once again she’s around during an important stressful time – if that makes sense, unable for him to just focus on him).

This time around there will be none of that – when we go speak with them, today or tomorrow etc – it will be just us.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I agree with this – the inner circle aspect.

In fact, my husband was getting annoyed, and then because he was annoyed I was more annoyed.

She enjoyed Thanksgiving with us, and his parents had insisted she come, as they believe her to be family as well.  She had work the next morning and so the plan was for her to leave on the train early Friday morning after Thanksgiving.  My husband and I did not have work the next day.

We woke up at 5 am to drop her and her dog off to go to work in NYC (as she would start at around 7:30 for work).  She mentioned if we could keep her dog with us.  I first stated yes, (easier for her than to take him on the train – even though he is small – and then drop him off at home and head to work).  But  I noticed the annoyance in my husband.  The concept of one more day with 2 dogs running around frenzied (of course nothing against the dogs themselves!).  So I mentioned it that evening, her response was: “why can’t you just keep the dog here with you tomorrow?!”

My husband was perturbed by this comment, once again feeling like she doesn’t understand.  I realize she has done a lot for us recently, including watching my dog while I went away to CA with the flu and all.  But during this time she texted me constantly with anxiety about his diarrhea and worry.  I know it was a stressful time for her.  I know she has a lot on her plate being a young single person with no major support system like I have my husband.

So the next morning I went in the room to tell her, “it will be best for you to take your dog with you.” She responded: “ok”

I think she understood.

—-

The truth is – when I was in CA, sick as a dog with the flu – I know she was stressed.  She had some issues  at work that she was dealing with, and then my dog over.  My dog is high energy and can be needy when he does not feel well.  He had diarrhea while there as well.  But as my husband stated later.  The fact that she kept texting me about it, created more stress – and in the future he would just choose to board our dog elsewhere.  It isn’t beneficial to keep him with her if she continues to create more stress for us if it is overwhelming for her.  She does not realize when she is overwhelmed and thinks herself as “fine” and is angered by the concept that she has “hidden” so much from me when I was NC in order to protect me, and so she has a right to be herself and open.

She does.  And I have much fault in being over involved in her life as well.

But what I see now, Anita — is there is not enough room on this plate.  None at all.  I enjoy her company and being close to her in NYC, but I am glad i have developed more space for sure. Regardless of location.

Dear Anita,

Interesting that anger part.  Reminds me a lot of my old self.  I would do this to old boyfriends (or even my husband in the beginning) – feeling (subconsciously of course unaware of it back then) that I had to share my distress, how dare the other person not get it and just be fine!

And of course who did this most of all? Ursula.  In fact this was her MO!

Great point indeed, Anger.

She does have anger, (of course I do too in my own way but that is for a different conversation not the topic right now) that she has had to protect me while I was NC – and so she beared the weight of that stress – “protecting me.”)

The thing is it is not that I don’t appreciate that – it is that it is just apart of the process.  When I went NC.  Now that she is NC she can focus on that and her own healing and moving forward.

—

Thanks for telling me good job about the dog thing – I agree, I think it was a good move.  Her comment was disturbing to my husband, petulant in a way.  And that ticked me off.  I thought to myself “here it is: choose peace and your inner circle.  She’s an adult – no need to protect her.”

—

The other thing is as soon as I returned home from CA (at 11 pm) the next day we were going to Aruba (pre-planned of course or else it would never have worked out that way).  I turned my phone on to a barrage of texts about how she had an altercation of some sort with you and how she is extremely upset and heart broken.  (we don’t need to get into this at all as we have already spoken about it and there is no need to affect you Anita, with what happened with you two – I am telling you this for another reason..)

I was LIVID.  Like LIVID.  I was standing at JFK waiting for a cab home to my apartment and I felt my head was going to explode.  I wanted to scream – ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME.  I literally flew to CA with the flu, you KNOW I had some very important interviews and meetings with my husband that are literally going to be life changing.  You know I am at my brink of stress as I have also verbalized this to you via text. (when she texted me about a work related issue I said to her, I am on the way to Newport beach and feeling sicker – I need to preserve all my energy to focus on this, we will talk when I return).  And NOW THIS!!!

So then I call her and I am LIVID.  I first start off saying that I just landed and the last thing I need is this.  Of course she was defensive and tearful.  I then immediately felt bad. I know she came to me for support in an upset frenzied state.  Just like anyone would.  Especially a sister.  I then asked her what happened and listened to her and was supportive.

But my head was pounding like crazy.  6 hour flight, recovering from the flu.  I noticed then that my sister truly needs support.  She feels quite alone.  She does have good friends now.  I also thought about how many times I have disturbed her.  In the middle of something important. With my drama.  How often she has been disturbed, stressed.  How often I have gone to her with complaints about what my parents were doing.  Just like how I felt that day, stressed. I am sure my sister felt that way many times.

—

But what I am seeing now is this.  Just because I did that to her in the past, doesn’t mean I have to “take whatever” she may do.  As in – in the example above.  I had the right to put my foot down and say “it’s best if the dog goes with you.” I have a marriage to maintain.  And that is something that she does not have experience with.  Hell, I hardly did until recently.  I have felt often that to be honest.  My priority was my mother before my marriage (as you know).  But then after it became my sister! Remember all the stress of us first moving to NYC and how she enveloped that time for us.  That is family.  But my marriage needs space for sure.

And as your above comment goes – that anger is very much in her.  I need to keep that in mind in scenarios when she talks petulantly or is brash.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your input.  I will make my comments.

Sometimes you think she is clueless or tactless, not seeing that anger motivated her to say or do this or that.

yes, in fact the other day I asked her about a date her friend went on.  I asked because her friend had told me about it.  My sister’s response was reserved and strange.  I realize later that she likely is slightly jealous her friend went on a date and she hasn’t in a while.  She seems to be very uptight about the concept of dating and not being able to find dates etc.  (makes sense) but she also pretends she doesn’t care and is hasty on the apps (a defense mechanism).  I see how anger and frustration motivates all of it.

Got to limit the relationship thoughtfully

And to your last comment, yes.

I want to add one more thing, she has noticed me be quite frenzied with my husband when with her.  (remember I used to tell you about this).  And I have noticed that her presence agitates me.  Even if she is doing nothing.  In fact when she is around I still have trouble not “performing.” I know that is something I have to work on – but I think at this point it is NOT.

Because right now I don’t want to work on anything.  I simply don’t.  If for some reason it feels like her energy is strange or aggravating, so be it.  I have to accept it.  My husband states I have done much better since about a year ago – when around her.  At first it was really bad, almost feeling like I did with my mother, feeling like I have to be an entertaining person of sorts, a clown or funny person, or find ways to keep her occupied.  I know this is my doing.  But it comes from deep ingrained patterns. I notice that I am “much better overall” I know this because I feel this, the way I have dealt with situations (such as for example the cousin being there at Thanksgiving) – but I notice that I tend to be more frenzied around my sister more often than not.

Good to keep in mind, for now, and for a very long time from now.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.