Dear Anita,

Good evening/night – late over here.  I hope you have been well over the last 2 weeks.  I had a very eventful 2 weeks, in many different ways.

First, before I forget, I am reading above – our last exchange on here:

“If I conquered Ursula…who can be so scary – no one…no one at all.”

I forgot about this analogy I made,that we discussed, and glad to circle back around – good timing actually – more on that later.

First,

I know that you and my sister are no longer speaking.  She did not get into too much detail with me, but told me some aspects.  I will leave it at that.  I will also not let it, in anyway, affect our interaction and relationship.  For the professionalism that is our own relationship, I will let you choose how you want to proceed with this at the moment:

1) Speak to me about it, whether it is for venting purposes, or just to discuss openly – privately on email if you wish

2) Not speak about it specifically, but generally

3) Not speak about it at all – not to avoid it – but there is no reason for us to discuss

4) any combo of it, and the decision can change now or whenever – whatever is suitable

I want to give you the choice – and I am okay with any of them. As much as you and I have become quite friendly over the last few months, exchanging more personal details of our lives and going beyond TB – I still respect our relationship to be a professional one.  We started in fact, years ago, in a professional sense of exchanges and I hold this to a high level of respect.  Just like I do my medical work relationships, and other ones in my life. And thus, I do not want to do anything that will be in any way detrimental to this/us.  I would like to preserve our win-win, now and beyond- and I know you would like that as well.

My trip to Aruba with my sister was very pleasant.  We did a good job respecting each others boundaries, and it was a much needed few days of down time for each of us separately, as well as together.  It was a success in that we did not trigger each other emotionally and were able to enjoy our relationship and the surroundings.

So the last I spoke to you I told you I was not feeling well.  It turned out the next day, that I was diagnosed with Influenza (after receiving the flu vaccine 2 weeks prior!) go figure!

I was diagnosed with flu, and it was quite terrible, and guess what – that was Monday 2 weeks ago – and my husband and I had interviews in California starting that Wednesday.  Oh what a crazy time.  I did not cancel them.  We went off to California on Wednesday evening that day – packed with a bag of meds.  We interviewed and did meet and greets through the weekend.  I arrived back to NYC late Sunday night, and then off to Aruba Monday morning. Took the first 1-2 days in Aruba to do little and recover more.  It was necessary!

I did not know about the California interviews until recently, and the Aruba trip was planned over a month ago – and that is why the timing was so hectic. Back to back – And take the virulent Influenza A on top of that-  as is life! It all went well and as planned, and my husband and I explored 2 great opportunities.  It was a whirlwind Anita, during which I was not all present, but working hard to be- I gave it my best. The flu really affects mind, body, and spirit of course.  But it all worked out, and glad to conquer it, and for it to be behind us.

Anyway, back in NYC now  My husband and I have a huge task in front of us: where to move? Which job to take. It will be one of the largest decisions of our lives.  We sat down today and made a list of questions to ask each practice and a pro/con list.  We will be discussing this over the next 2 weeks and going back and forth with some follow up emails and calls with both practices/options we looked at.  Lots of thoughts and discussions coming up.  We hope to make a final decision before Thanksgiving.

An important time.  A time where inner circle is everything.  And a time where my energy must be preserved. Mental energy will be used to the max.

Having the flu, and utilizing literally every calorie/piece of energy for healing can teach a person a lot – that bare minimum is key.  I could not give just bare minimum when flying to California and putting my best foot forward at interviews and meetings.  I knew what my priorities were, and gave it my best. But ironically, I hold influenza close to my heart now.

Our mind functions in survival mode when our bodies are struggling, it does not want useless knowledge, drama, inconveniences, and anxieties.  It wants to focus on: “what do I need to do right now, how will I do it, and then I can rest.”

There is something quite incredible about this, and if only we could pass that over into our lives when we are feeling better, healthy, and when our minds can once again run the gamut of thoughts and distractions! I know that this is not the goal – but having the flu (during such crazy timing) taught me a lot!

I will try to maintain the tenets of self preservation, and reminding myself the “not doing anything more than I have to” during this important time. This important time, when large decisions have to be made, when emotions may run high, when distractions may seep in -to take away, when re-focusing on priorities is key, and when fatigue is at an all time high.

—–

Not sure if  I was going to add anything else onto this email, but reading the end of the above/lasts post on this thread got me thinking.  (not that you have to respond to this aspect contiguously with above as well)

Fear ruins everything.  But fear is everywhere.  So how do we not ruin everything?!

 If I conquered Ursula from the little mermaid, who can be so scary? Who is going to beat me down every day?.. Who is going to have so much power over me..? No one. No one at all.”

A great visual (not sure if you have watched the movie, regardless the classic villain and female protagonist struggle)

This small little mermaid, dainty and beautiful, able to conquer this big scary monster.  Now (to generalize) she has this big beautiful world of opportunity in front of her, ahead of her.

If her mind continuously circles back to Ursula, she will be stuck forever, no matter what the new reality is for her, she will be stuck in her old narrative.

If after conquering this biggest enemy, she doesn’t see that victory, and continues to focus on smaller “enemies” here and there throughout life – she too will be stuck in the past.

If after conquering such a large enemy, such a devastating and exhausting feat, she continues to seek more fires to put out and things to be engaged in – she will never recover enough to process her new reality – be stuck in some purgatory

If she sees that Ursula was the one true (and only) enemy of her life – THE bad guy – and now that guy is truly gone — she will slowly start to believe, that nothing coming forward will truly be that bad. that the real evil is behind her, she can let her guard down and put her weapon down.  the worst is behind her.  there is only good to come, and her only job now –  is to open her eyes to it.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.

Dearest Anita,

1 – I absolutely agree with you about the email.  I was about to write the same but wanted to wait for your reply.  Email for us is first and foremost if this website disappears, which happens not uncommonly in the age of the internet.  And thus, we would not want to lose our special connection.  That is why we connected.  I too do not regret any of our more personal exchanges – but do agree that we should stick to TB in a professional manner that we have been good about maintaining. We should be open to each other about if we either of us feel that we are crossing a boundary, or making the other uncomfortable in any manner.

2- I am confused about this part:

On the day the communication ended,  she used my goodwill apology against me as proof that I am inaccurately projecting yet again. So I knew that from then on, she will misuse my apology whenever is convenient to her, shoving it down my throat.

I have more to say but will let you clarify and I will then reply and also bring up the second part of your post.

Dear Anita,

Glad we agree on #1, I intend to keep a professional balance for the both of us, and know your intention is the same.

Yes, this does make sense.  Yet after apologizing you perhaps realized it wasn’t the case.  Or further, you felt this apology was “thrown back at you.” Which I can imagine is very distressing/insulting/hurtful…

I think something along there?

Dear Anita,

I understand completely, and no need to explain more.  I apologize if it was distressing for you this morning to try to explain.  You do not need that stress.

So I’ll tell you my part – based on what I am gathering, and of course knowing my sister for my life – I can extrapolate.  Not to say that I by any means want to assume details about your interaction.  I think you will get my gist.  So here goes.  You don’t have to reply to what I say, we can drop the concept of my sister entirely as I do not have an intrinsic need to discuss her.  But since we are on this topic today I will put in my input.  It is entirely up to you what to do with it – read and respond or we can go onto the next topic completely.  Have no worries.

The word dismissive of you is key here.

If my husband was here right now and read that, he would say: yes EXACTLY!

He has said many times, as more of an outsider, as of course he met her later in life and is not her sibling – that my sister is not very respectful of authority, and often very dismissive  – coming off as almost unappreciative.  He knows in her heart she doesn’t mean this, and does not have a bad heart – but this quality is very off putting.  This is what I have referenced to you a few times by his comments – but of course hard to explain entirely.  He finds here emotionally exhaustive and draining.  NOT because he doesn’t want to help her or be her supporter, but because of these sort of characteristics.  He often mentions he “never knows what he is going to get from her.” One second she could be enthusiastic and receptive to your comments, the next quick to snap and make it seem like you are being a know it all – and that in fact she knows better and doesn’t need your “advice.”

I have thought about this plenty and as you know for a whole month or so back in January after we moved back to NYC and I was quite overwhelmed by her and how I was not attending to my husband and my own life first – I did not speak to her.

She has made me feel often, that my jumping to “rescue her” is all my fault and self induced.  Or that she used to need this sort of help and she doesn’t any longer, and so if I do such a thing it is “on me.”

I agree in many ways, as I do need to work on remembering she is an adult.  I am not her mother or therapist.

But here’s the thing – when someone acts this way, often unpredictable and dismissive, it can be very difficult.  You never know what you are going to get.  It is hard to communicate with them in the way they want, and it almost feels like a guessing game of how to support this person. Sometimes they want a lot of attention and have many needs, other times being dismissive and “know it all.”

I know she has been through a lot – as have I  – as have many of us.  But these qualities you mentioned above, I am not surprised by.  She lacks true awareness of how she comes off to others.  And when in the past i have mentioned that to her, this is met entirely with anger and defensiveness- and that I continue to judge an old version of her.  She takes personal offense to this as though it discredits all the progress she has made.  And then of course I feel bad as it is not the intention to say she hasn’t grown. Not the point.  But she does not necessarily see how she comes off to even those that are close to her and who care for her.  She believes herself often to be more mature and aware/capable than perhaps she truly is.

My husband was quite worried about Aruba in many ways as I was recovering from the flu and he did not want me to have emotional ups and downs  – as trying to be someone to please my sister.  He was worried that I would have to act in a way in which I had to ensure she wasn’t moody and had a good time.  It was not this way at all – and we both respected each other.

In short I feel that since my sister has been through a lot and has had her self put down throughout her whole life, having very little sense of herself.  As a result now that she is recovering, she often goes the other way and becomes inflammatory – being quick to make sure that she doesn’t put herself down in comparison to someone – and can often be dismissive and disrespectful of authority/those that are helping her.  It is almost like a reaction and over compensation based on her own internal anger at her distress.  Projection outward. This is by no means an excuse for any rude behavior.  Just observations/thoughts of my own – not to say that you should agree or disagree.

Dear Anita,

yes you are right about Aruba – and I had a similar feeling too.  In the sense of, she doesn’t want to rub more people the wrong way type of thing.  Of course we did not bring any of this up on the trip, and made a pact to not bring you up anymore.  So as you likely already know, everything we are talking about right now is entirely between you and I. 100 percent.

Thank you for having concern about our trip in Aruba, that is kind of you.  Luckily it was fine. You are very thoughtful, kind, and aware of many situations at one time – a unique quality.  A multi tasking of understandings – of sorts.

What you wrote about how on one hand you can see the magnitude of how much help she needs – but on the other hand BOOM! yes.  Sudden boom defensive, inflammatory, “I know better than you don’t you dare make me feel like I haven’t learned or don’t know.”  And at other times expecting the other person to read her mind and her moods practically.

I am sorry she hurt you with this.  You do not deserve that.  You are a genuine, helpful, and caring person and you are very appreciated.  You felt compelled immensely to help her I am assuming, and you saw someone who needed guidance, I am assuming – based on the sister that I know.  She wasn’t aware of how she came off in many ways desperate for help and guidance, and in others all of a sudden “too good for it” “too smart” too all knowing.” Not okay.

You also brought up the aspect of being consistent.  This is key.  It is difficult to communicate with people that are not.  My husband mentions how it is “walking on eggshells with her” and he is right.  In fact he has been right about all his comments about her – because they are – like him, very well observed, thought out, and not impulsive.

my ROAR will never be directed towards you.  Sure may there be incidents in the future where we may disagree, or perhaps even not understand one another – of course.  Like any relationship – but it is of utmost importance to maintain a healthy level of respect and professionalism.  And never take the other for granted.

Dear Anita,

Reading minds today! Once again I was going to say this.  That the ROAR should not be directed to my husband, and perhaps after your last communication with my sister you felt angry and upset and felt a ROAR built up.

I thought about this, for myself and for you.  How I would have felt in your situation, If i were you, and how I might have projected this distress and uneasiness onto my husband that night, after a break in communication with a person/friend.

I thought about how I have done that many times before – transferring pain and anger onto a sweet innocent person – my husband.  Using him as a punching bag, not taking note of his emotions and assuming he is there as an inanimate object – ready to absorb my pains like a sponge.  Saying “take them from me – you must.”

These are the moments we learn the most.  When we have to take that extra time like you wrote in your first reply today – that time in that moment that is key.  It may seem like a lot, to pause and think and assess – but it is immensely important.  As it will save a ton of time in the future, of distress that becomes so far removed.

You know that distress right? The type that rolls into a ball and goes down hill, knocking things over along the way – emerges as a big scary monster, and it is hard to even place its roots.

Yes, THAT is the distress that we would like to avoid.  The type that I am working on.

What I have learned in the last 2 weeks, with the frenzy of it all is this – If I don’t take a moment to think about what I feel first and foremost – disaster may ensue.

That time that you so aptly mentioned in your first post – that time is everything – it can make or break the situation.

The puppy analogy you made is perfect.  We do not need to avail ourselves to bites, we must protect ourselves and have boundaries.  Bites are inevitable in many cases – but when we have a choice, no need to add more of them to our plate.  I respect that decision of yours.

I think that is good for today, you will likely agree.  I am glad you were able to talk to me about this.  I hope that you are feeling okay, and having a good day.

I am almost recovered from the flu.  I am recovered in the sense that I am not ill, and I am back at work now.  But my energy, appetite, etc will take some more time to recover.  I will sleep early today. These are important moments for me to protect myself even more than ever.

These are the times…