it doesn’t have the patience to stay present for each one of the steps. It rushes through.

This! I always feel like my brain is rushing ahead and too “fast” for myself to focus on a task such as folding a shirt and putting it away, it is racing ahead – and those small tasks can’t keep up so to speak – making them seem very difficult to do.

Thank you for noting my neat writing.  I am very well aware of my patterns these days.  Not to say its always so predictable.

I know now that about 10 days before my period I truly suffer.  This is PMDD, it is an unofficial diagnosis.  I also know that it isn’t out of nowhere – as I am predisposed to feeling worse during these days given my baseline anxiety and trauma.  I also know that certain months I feel worse during times that are entirely unrelated to my cycle – and that is the nature of the path.

Regardless, understanding PMDD has been instrumental.  My Gyn and I discussed an SSRI for use 10-14 days out of the month.  Some studies have shown immediate effect of these medications for PMDD.  And intermittent dosing allows the brain to have a break from using the medication daily.  As you know I have been on Lexapro in the past for about 9 months.  No clue as to if it helped as during that time – yes THAT time, year before wedding, things were so insane it is impossible to gauge.

I would be open to this dosing of this medication if I do find that this cyclical feeling becomes even more unbearable – and leads to too much suffering.  I am glad to have this option in my “toolbox.”

I notice that even in my writing to you, I am MUCH more frenzied during certain times – sometime they may coincide with this cycle, sometimes of course not, as life happens.  People can be triggering, jobs can be stressful, too many weddings, too many cousins.  Too much of Super Cali Chica.  Too much too much!

As we discussed yesterday, it has been helpful for myself to let go of the concept of “doing more.” To try to reach out and seek more.  Doing less is just what the doctor ordered for me, isn’t it.

It feels nice to know that I do understand now, what you have been saying for a while now – stop seeking. The first step is knowing and understanding, before regular practice.  Then the concept and life changes can be appreciated.

Sink and savor. 

Inner circle. 

Calm the frenzy, don’t rush.   

Dear Anita,

That anecdote about breakfast is a perfect one, I can relate to that well.

And I like the point about how it requires that discomfort, at first, and in the beginning – to create a new practice.

I always think back to when you said, if others don’t notice, you aren’t doing it enough/or changed enough/or different enough.

The concept of: it has to be a true change that either elicits discomfort within myself, or is seen in the other party as: “hmm oh thats not like her.”

I notice that the SCC persona bobs her head in often saying: do this, do that – that’s what you do.

And I have to remind myself that the definition of me is now ever changing.

Dear Anita,

Great exercise/idea – well timed.

The current me, what comes to mind:

I am in a state of transition.  I am a social being, but also heavily burnt out – and so have developed quite a good sense of protecting my time.  Yet, I often do still feel guilt of not being that “extender” that makes plans with friends always.  This has been my persona for so long, and so it will take time.  I notice I do have glimpses of fear – of not doing that.  I analyze it, and some of it is related to the concept of: “oh will I lose all my friends if I don’t try.” But then I know it isn’t true.  The other is simply feeling it is my duty.

I always have been very good/excellent at any job I was given, and so it feels odd to not “excel” at the job of being super friend.  

This is a key point, and it will take discomfort on my end to slowly relinquish this fear/guilt/uneasiness about this change – perhaps you have more to add to that, Anita…

So back to definition, I am going to close my eyes and type:

I am strong, tired and bright.  Tired and bright at the same time. I have a pep in my step but a worn out soul at the same time.  I am in transition of being a strong worry free adult.  Someone who does whatever she wants, chooses who she wants, when she wants, without guilt or shame.  So happy and confident in her decisions to promote inner circle, that nothing can get in her way.

Dear Anita,

Your last post to me yesterday was a perfect “sum up” of what has been going on.  I took time to read it a few times, and I would like to go over it again here.

1. “protecting my time”- your use of the verb to-protect, suggests that people have been taking your time away from you without your consent, stealing it from you. When your mother gave you the job of “super friend” (as you labeled it today), and as you executed the job, she (and her mental rep in your brain) have been stealing your time.

Her mental rep continues and this is why it feels that constantly there is still “something” stealing my time.  Because her rep of course is still there, not blaring in the front line anymore of course – but still hovering in the back line.

I thought about this on the way home from work yesterday, and to work today.  Crowded subway, everyone going this way and that.  Everyone too busy for their own selves let alone others.  The concept of making time for yourself first.  How this is taught by many parents, the concept of self protection.  If it is not taught outright, children model it from their parents.  A visual comes to mind: “mommy can I go play with so and so….mom replies: yes but first we have to have family dinner since your father is coming home early.”

Child reads: having dinner with daddy is first, then friends second

I wasn’t taught this.  My sister wasn’t taught this.  It would have went like this:

“mommy can I go play with so and so…mom replies: oh yes, she invited you?! go go! it’s good they finally invited you go, don’t worry about dinner, come home whenever.”

Child reads: wow my gosh, so important that so and so invited me, how important, I am excited to go.

That is it.  Nothing about priorities above that child read, and absolutely nothing about family first.

Family is thrown to the corner when friend calls. 

—

I will end this post here, and have you reply to this first.  In my next post I will talk about the rest of your conversation yesterday afternoon.  So I can focus my mind on each concept (of course they are all intertwined).

Dear Anita,

The key point being :

child witnesses her mother getting positively excited over the prospect of CC going to another home

CC believes to make her mother happy, she must continues these endeavors.

When she is an adult, even if her mother is not in the picture – it is deeply ingrained.  Go elsewhere – make mom happy – you must, to make mom happy.

Now, current CC is not just tired, she is bitter.  Bitter that she had to keep going elsewhere to make mom happy! And even if she did, mom never WAS HAPPY! But she can’t turn it off.

She is sick and tired, and wish she didn’t have this deeply ingrained.

Dear Anita,

I think you’re right – CC isn’t rushing anywhere anymore.

Yet, that feeling compelled to at times – it definitely does lead to discomfort.  Not the type of discomfort in which I feel I HAVE to do something, but more so that concept of: “this is what I usually do.”

I told you I saw my friend S, from college – the one that is having the wedding next year that when I described, gave you a headache, you and me both!

Ever since I saw her, I have had many thoughts about how I should invite her to stay with me in NYC for a weekend.  She has said it nicely and normally how when I am free she will visit.  She lives in Philadelphia.  She has never mentioned it in an odd way.

But it’s me – I take this casual thing that a person may say and think: “oh wow I haven’t spent quality time with her in a long tine, I SHOULD.” Yes, a part of it is that I do miss spending time with her, and she is a close friend.  But moreover, it is this sense of something pushing me to make plans with her.

It’s the push that I am speaking of.  The push is what I don’t want.  The way I would WANT  to be is this:

“it was great hanging out with her, and I am busy now, but in the future it will be nice to do it again.”

No pressure on myself – no lingering feeling of push or guilt

Dear Anita,

Okay I will write what comes to mind, mind thoughts:

“oh I she hasn’t been over! she has visited her other friends in nyc, but haven’t had achance to stay with me – i miss that time, i wanna make time for it.

but counter thought – husband and I don’t have full weekends for people to visit anytime soon, and summer was crazy, she gets that, she never asks, it’s just in my own head

another one…

“oh i miss my quality time with her,  i know we never will lose touch we have a strong bond, but i miss our quality time together, we had so much fun last week together – i want to schedule more soon.  i guess it isn’t about losing touch it’s just missing that quality time.

“i feel bad that she hasn’t been over, she is so good about making time and scheduling around me, i feel bad i haven’t been able to give her a whole weekend in over a year.

Dear Anita,

Makes perfect sense.  I see how they are 2 different groups – but also intertwined, in the sense of “what makes CC tick.”

The combo of what made mother happy and what made CC happy being difficult to differentiate, and even when differentiated, much overlap.

After I typed that out to you  I was able to have some clarity:

There are of course changes that come with maturity and adulthood, and it is natural to miss that “younger carefree time with friends” the times that I used to walk over S’s apartment in Philadephia after a long day in med school and we would cook some noodles and chat for hours on end – true quality time.  Of course we all miss our friends, because the older we get the more our priorities change.

I think it is funny that we brought this up – as just a moment ago S texted me and said: so what’s the birthday plan?

My birthday is Oct 7.

I think most people – including MYSELF- are used to me having a birthday party, people, fun, drinks, music – a fun affair.  I think I am getting used to the idea that I now do enjoy quieter times.  Such as spending the weekend at the beach with my husband and the dog, or my sister as well – or perhaps a friend or 2, but not a huge plan.

It was ironic she texted me that, as it brought our whole conversation into play.  I replied to her:

“not sure yet, but no big plans this year.”

I thought about how instantly I took this question to feel pressured…Oh she’s asking me maybe i should invite her to nyc and have a get together for my bday.

But when I thought about it again I said: what does CC want? She wants no big plan.  So I realize it is just a friend being kind and asking.

Any pressure related to the scenario is self induced because CC has been focused on outer circle for so long.  And that is okay.

It is all okay.