Dear Anita,

I did help him express himself authentically, you are right, I did.  He does appreciate this.  It is a win-win all around.

It does not “cure” the issue, but it is a step to realizing and understanding the reality of things, and how to proceed next.

Yes, I recall feeling like I wanted to keep the “high.” I made a joking reference that evening to understanding how drug addicts are always chasing that high – as it feels like only highs and lows – that dimmer to neutral is often difficult.  Wanting more of that “feel good.” But of course in the scenarios it isn’t a drug per se, but that good feeling and like you mentioned the desire for more.

In fact, after my nice evening with my friend last Tuesday I felt similar.  After the night, I went to have dinner with my husband.  I was on such an excited “high” from spending some quality time with my friend I was at risk of being frenzied.  In this scenario I did a great job of recognizing this, and the concept of “wanting more” of that feeling.  I snapped back to neutral so to speak in the sense of I had a good win-win dinner with my husband in which I listened and was not frenzied.  It must have worked as when my sister than joined us later – it is when my husband felt comfortable enough to open up to her about the sate of his job etc.

I will recall this experience one in which the dimmer switch was not faulty.

I think though, if I was alone after, say returning to my apartment, my husband still at work – home after an exciting evening, I would have much difficulty turning this off.  It would have been the same as after the event I described, coming home and this excitement “high energy” now feeling like it can’t shut off – and now feels uncomfortable and overly activating.

Doing some slow yoga poses after an evening like that can be of some help – and I guess like anything else, discussing it, and being aware of it.  I am enjoying this conversation actually, because it is not something I would have thought to mention to you until you brought up your weekend.  How important it is to notice so many aspects about ourselves isn’t it.  Sometime exhausting, but always learning.

Dear Anita,

Emotional regulation – sums it up.  I am glad we had this exchange today as well.

I often struggle with this after work on a Friday, having had a long day, no breaks, and having a mentally and physically draining day that involves a lot of activation by definition.  I notice that I used to feel quite irritated by the fact that I arrived home and didn’t feel relaxed.  I now recognize it is often “work” to wind down.  An active process.  Whether it be unplugging from the computer or phone.  Taking an extra long walk to get home.  Perhaps heading to a yoga class if possible.  Or if nothing more some stretching and breathing at home, taking more than just a few minutes.

Often writing to you after a long day can also be helpful, as it sums up what really matters, or allows me to point out what actually may be bothering me – and if nothing – now, after this exchange, perhaps I can see – nothing is “wrong” I am just having trouble emotionally regulating, dimming the switch.  And that is okay, just takes some work and time.

Dear Anita,

I like learning about your recent way of “dimming the switch” with the comedy show.  That is endearing to hear about!

Today I am going to go home and do a deep cleaning, and I am actually looking forward to that being meditative.  Just me and the dog, some loud music, and get the cleansing going.  I will try to throw out all that is not needed in the meantime, as it is always easy to accumulate excess.  I will likely require a nice coffee prior to this experience!

It is nice weather here these days mid 70s and breezy, I look forward to taking a stroll in the park after cleaning – breath of fresh air literally.  When my husband arrives home we can have a nice dinner, and hopefully he isn’t at work too late.

How are you doing this morning?

Dear Anita,

I don’t drink coffee daily, as I tend to get headaches easily, and withdrawal headaches if I am on it daily.

Wow, you are a strong coffee drinker!

I won’t likely drink strong coffee before cleaning, I am SO sensitive to caffeine.  I used to drink caffeine daily throughout medical school and residency – but still very sensitive.  So perhaps a nice Early Grey tea before cleaning to give me a boost.

Sometimes caffeine can make me very jittery and tense, emulating that activation/excitation that as we know is distressing.

I thought a lot about our exchange from yesterday, great topic that was brought up.  Emotional regulation.

I thought a lot about moments where I was unable to emotionally regulate.  Often looking back and thinking that the person triggering me was so severe that I could not let the concept go.  But now realizing that regardless, it is my own capability to regulate to the next neutral.  It is a must – not to say it is easy.

To be able to dim the switch back down reduces distress, and creates a neutral peaceful environment.  I have an even greater appreciation for that now after what we spoke about.

I also think about the concept of not allowing distress to boil over.  Containing it.  If someone was irritating at work, allowing it to brush off before say heading onto the subway.  If someone was irritating on the subway, allowing it to brush off before heading into the house — etc.

How important these concepts are for controlling my OWN distress, not to mention not project onto my husband.

I didn’t realize – as I have mentioned before- that I actually had CONTROL over these things.  I grew up believing that if i felt a certain way, that’s just how it was.  I hear the mother voice saying: “well of course I feel this way, look what happened!!!” roaring with agony and entitlement.

So that’s how it went — Now, not to say that I haven’t been extremely resilient in my life.  But the rumination and inability to contain distress is quite a new thing for me. edit: as in the ability to control rumination and ability to have contain

• This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I love the lavender essence in Earl Grey! I am a huge fan of soothing smells like lavender, I even have some fresh lavender I add to earl grey as a special treat when I have time, like on a weekend. Do you have it with a splash of milk like the Brits do? I do! Maybe we can enjoy some Earl Grey tea together when we meet, no…Red wine with some orange slices – much better choice!

Can’t heal though unless you successfully do what she didn’t do

No more roaring Cali Chica.  Especially since we learned what a big root of the roar is from, the feeling of powerlessness.

I see now that power doesn’t have to be aggressive.  Being assertive is not aggressive, it is effective communication.

Having power doesn’t mean attempting to power OVER, it means harnessing my human-granted-self power that we all deserve.  Allowing myself to manifest this innate power that we all have and deserve.

Speaking your truth, effectively, without guilt – watching how that makes you feel – rinse and repeat

Dear Anita,

Moroccan fresh mint tea is my ALL TIME favorite, oh how I miss it – haven’t been able to have the same type back in the states.

I agree with your plan, and I will enjoy the orange slices as well – share your treat.

I do think one day I will be able to help and show and motivate.  I used to have anxiety and pressure about this, why am I not doing more – why am I not building more? I should make more use of my ability to speak and help others.

And now- I say no.  Right now is the time to learn to relax and heal.  To do less.

when the time comes, and I know it will be right -as I will feel it – then and only then, will I do more…

Dear Anita,

Good Morning!

The reason I brought up something as mundane as deep cleaning my apartment to you – is that this has felt like an insurmountable task for me.  It is something that is obviously a basic task – but as I have mentioned to you – I have had trouble focusing on small things such as putting clothes away etc – my whole life.

I used to say I have ADHD, being able to do something very large quite easily, say write and submit an essay – but go to the kitchen and have trouble putting away the water bottle where it belonged.  Small task avoidance in some ways.  This is not an unknown issue – as many people do write about this – but it sure is a pain.

Over this past year I have tried to become more cognizant of it.  I notice, as always, the state of my mind is the state of my home.

The more frenzied my brain is – the more frenzied my organization is.  All in all our home is always clean and tidy – I am talking about things such as allowing clothes to go unfolded in my drawers, and being frenzied about putting stuff away.

So yesterday I tackled the large task of deep cleaning, dusting, scrubbing, very cathartic – also very tiring.   I was able to do this without any issue! I worked for about 3 hours, and was very pleased with myself and the result.  It sounds so silly even writing about this – but I am glad to know my attention was focused, and now I can go home to a nice squeaky clean apartment.  My husband was glad too when he arrived home.

It is nice to see myself focus on inner tasks.  Tasks that promote my well being, and that of my husband.  I am trying to do a better job of focusing less on the lives of others, and more on my own life.

Inner circle, as you said in July is key.  That wraps up everything.  I hope to continue to practice this.

I want to work on focusing more on my own life, perhaps I will do some exercises in this regard today.

I hope you are having a good morning when you wake up, and enjoy that extra strong coffee.