Dear Anita,

I posted the above add on I think simultaneously when you replied, so I just read your reply.

The injustice in your life is that you were born to her and you were stuck with her as a child and you didn’t choose to be born to her and be stuck with her for what felt like eternity, a misery that got formed into you with no choosing on your part

Yes, so going no contact – is not to be born again.  It is to say I was born unlucky, and now is my chance to not be lucky, but to have a chance to accept my reality – so that it is not my reality forever, nor that of my future life/children/marriage/ etc.

Dear Anita,

I did just see that and replied – see above.  I had added on to my post before your reply, perhaps we both hit submit at the same time! I will let you read all and reply before saying more

Dear Anita,

I apologize Anita- They are not double posts, I was adding on to my initial post labelled 10:45 AM at the same time you hit reply, that’s what happened.  But I have re-read all of our interactions from today.

You did an excellent job – wow – of going back to so many details that my mother has told me.  You are an incredible listener.  From my mother’s stories of how people are jealous of her, to how my father wasn’t satisfactory.  You pointed out something very important – her CHOICE.

She chose not to work, yes we were made to believe for some time she was incapable of it since she would get so overwhelmed anxious and emotional.  But no. She chose not to.

Yes, she chose not to have a larger family, for whatever reason – multiple kids, and large family.  More importantly even–is that in TDW example she focused not really on her own children, but extended family.  Yes, my aunts and uncles are bad people as well – I know this objectively as I have dealt with them on my own.

But see the narrative was ONLY based on those other people.  I would say maybe 85% of my life was complaining and being sad about how our family members were not great to us – how unlucky we are.

I want to actually think about that more, how the narrative was constantly based on these outside family members who were so “tragic.”  How WE were unlucky BECAUSE of them.

I’ll leave it at that…my mind isn’t going past this comment at this time..

Dear Anita,

You are right.  About the bragging and showing off.  So very right.

Thank you for today- you did very hard work with me, you – like many times- went above and beyond to try to help me understand concepts by linking in old and new.  I want to say, once again,  how grateful I am for that effort on your end – and how endearing, special, and unique it is.  You are a very special person.

I hope you enjoy your evening today,  I assume you have nice pleasant weather.

I am going to read about our posts today, the injustice, the ROAR that continues to try to make the bad luck I was born into – good. And most of all, the reaching deeply to that young Cali Chica and acknowledging her bad luck, validating, and truly understanding it. Saying yes, I was born into bad luck.  My childhood was not good.  Change the narrative, and I will see clearer.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I truly have a lot of anger and resentment, at injustice.

I had an outburst yesterday based on this.  And it reminded me that it isn’t about my husband or anything else, it is my anger, roar, anger.

I feel a little tired to explain the whole story to you at this time, not that I don’t want to – but I feel tired to type it out.  In short, one of my husbands cousins is having a small engagement get together Saturday.  It is casual and local and not something by any means a must.  Yet all of the other cousins are going now (including yes, that cousin the one with the incident from London).

I didn’t tell you this, but the cousin from London – lets call her S.

So S has a brother, they are my husband’s cousins, both older.  S is the same age as my husband roughly, her brother is older, the eldest of the cousins, and thus often looked up to.  Her brother is married to a woman named M.

M has had many emotional outbursts and issues with her husband apparently, which I have heard from my in laws, she was diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with her last child, third child, 2 years ago.  So of course an immense amount of trauma she went through.  After which psychologically she dealt with a lot of issues with her husband and his family.  I know some of it from my in laws, not directly from M of course. M has 3 kids and went through breast cancer and chemo while pregnant etc.  Now she is fine, cancer is gone, and kids are all great.

So anyway, in London, S (the sister in law of M) tells me how it has been very hard with M, and her emotional outbursts.  She will often come home and curse off her mother (who is the mother in law of M) and she has had so many outbursts.  I listened and understood and was there for S when she was telling me this.  I put in some input as well, saying its hard to say because I dont know her or her past – but perhaps she is dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety from all she went through with cancer and pregnancy at the same time, and having difficulty coping.  S said she isn’t sure because she was like this prior as well, I said oh ok.

Then S tells me this, and says I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you – but I will:

M comes home one day to her in laws with the kids (S parents house) and starts saying:

CC IS A WHORE.  CC IS A WHORE. CC IS A WHORE.

(of course my real name).

I was horrified.  My mouth dropped.  I said what?!?! WHY?!

S said she has no idea, she wasn’t sure if she was having a true psychotic episode type, or just being crazy or what! I started thinking out loud- wow perhaps it is because i knew M since I was a child through my family so she thinks I know things about her that I don’t.  I was so perplexed! But I also knew that I wasn’t really dealing with an emotionally sane person, perhaps M is truly psychiatrically unstable, like a patient I see in the hospital – random outbursts of insanity.

So anyway that’s the background I hear.  Let’s say that is 7 pm.  I have that info and we all head out in London, the whole group of cousins (M and her husband and the kids are not in London) but of course I knwo that story.  S tells me – she has told me this story so I can be careful around M, her sister in law, who she calls a loose cannon.  I do appreciate the info at the time.

Now fastforward to the next night, after the wedding reception, and S has that interaction with me, the one I told you all about, her getting angry at me, etc.

So here I am then 1 am, knowing her sister in law literally had an outburst of calling me a whore, and then now S herself lashes out to me (details of that scenario known to you).  I was devastated, and when I went back to my room crying it was really about S, and her treatment.

But now as I sat there looking at the messages about the get together Saturday,  I was enraged and TRIGGERED beyond belief.  Both S and M will be there.  And it wasn’t so much that I don’t want to be around them, I constantly kept feeling:

what is wrong with these people, why do they think they can talk bad about me and mistreat me, when all I have done is be kind.  Ridiculous.  So much anger at them, and then at my husband’s family.  So much anger.

Yet I felt pressured (self induced to go to this event) and I said to myself, if I don’t go to this event, then it will be Thanksgiving, I wll have to see them sooner or later.  It isn’t about events, it is about the injustice and how people are horrible.

When my husband got home, I was in a terrible mood. Feeling so angry, so so so angry.  I did not do a good job of containing my emotions, and I did exactly what I am not supposed to do – project my anger/resentment onto him.

I will stop there.  I want your input without more stream of consciousness.  And it isn’t about going to this thing on Saturday, I am not even going to go now I decided.  It is about the whole thing.

Dear Anita,

1) I am pretty sure it is true because M has a history of outbursts.

She had her daughter say once “daddy is hurting me” so that they could go to court and she could have a case against her husband, but the changed her whole mind and was perfectly fine.  I know this because my in laws were involved as they are the eldest in the family and are the source of support for everyone.  So she is a loose cannon and not mentally stable.  She also has history of running out of the house even when taking care of her own children, and cursing and acting inappropriate.

2) I think I do have anger and resentment at my husband at not standing up to S (or Problem cousin)

BUT we have talked about it in detail: and the conclusion was, S is entirely delusional – and saying anything to her will go on deaf ears.  She is not someone that has any awareness of how she comes off to others.  We both decided it will be useless.

BUT I think I wasn’t exactly feeling settled with it since then…and of course severely triggered when the thought of both of them being in front of me came up, not because I HAVE to be at this event, but more liek what the hell is wrong with these 2, getting off talking crap about me