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August 16, 2019 at 10:13 am #308231AnonymousGuest
Dear Cali Chica:
“Today evening I realized the true need for solitude”- we often don’t think of solitude being a need, having alone-time. “In my entire life, the concept of being lonely was fist and foremost.. why would you spend time alone if you could be with others”- but your mother when spending time in the company of others, was not with those others. She was alone and against those others. This is why your father, her husband, became her, isn’t it, because she was not with him all these years, she was against him.
For your mother, having company did not translate to togetherness. It translates to having power-over another. This is why her mental rep has had so much power over you for so long.
“I am an adult and I have the power to choose”- here it is, the word power. She had the power over you; she chose for you. Now you want your power back. And you exercised it yesterday, choosing solitude.
“I am only learning recently at this stage how much power and control I can truly have over myself”- when I wrote you the first paragraph about your mother having power-over, that was before I read your writing about power. (I read a part of your post, copy, paste, respond to it, then read the next part and so on).
This is what the ROAR was about all along, needing that power we all need, power to choose. This is what your mother didn’t allow you to have, this is what you always needed.
“I am truly not out of control”- whenever a person feels out of control, having no power, anxiety follows instantly.
“It is like a new language to me”- a different kind of ROAR, not a lashing out roar, but exercising the power that is available to you, the power that is possible for you.
“I have seamlessly exited out of interactions over this month.. ignored phone calls…My entire life I have observed others acting this way feeling that they were able to do this and I wasn’t”- you envied them, thinking they have a power that you don’t: to not respond to phone calls, to choose solitude.
You said it again: “it’s allowing yourself to have power over your actions”- we have to have power over our lives, otherwise we are powerless, anxious, troubled and well, weak.
“I don’t allow my observation to LEAD”- LEAD and you will not lash out with a ROAR.
The lady at work yesterday who “looked slightly like in a daze”, who “was entirely having a conversation with herself” while you “just happened to be there” as “she was talking to her self”- this is what your mother did, only as a child you didn’t have the mental resources to understand that. You thought she was talking to you, because you were important to her; you thought she wanted you to save her, to help her.
You didn’t understand that she was talking to herself, that for her, you weren’t there, other than a passive audience.
The unemployed friend, frenzied, asking for your advice, “That doesn’t work for me, I am cool calm.. I don’t engage in random frenzied behavior”- as a child, you were engaged in the random frenzied behavior of your mother, you had no choice.
“to be assertive is to say what you need.. It Feels powerful to be assertive”- here is the word again, Power. Fair, reasonable power, not power- over. But power nonetheless, without which there is no “Self Trust”, there is no calm, there is no peace.
anita
August 16, 2019 at 12:00 pm #308247Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
This is what the ROAR was about all along, needing that power we all need, power to choose. This is what your mother didn’t allow you to have, this is what you always needed.
yes and yes!!! i want to stand up and clap!!! This is exactly it!!!
without this power, this autonomy, this self directedness – this self TRUST – we are nothing.
we as beings no matter what our path – always want to find our way to self empowerment, somehow some way. it comes from our animal instinct. this does not mean we want to power over others – it simply means we want to be a living, breathing, being that can use our OWN mind. it feels unnatural and distressing to do anything but this. It is survival of the fittest after all. And being fit isn’t being a “winner” in generic terms. It is being able to be one’s self. To have autonomy.
To have power.
August 16, 2019 at 12:15 pm #308249AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Notice how this feels so true to you, 100% true in each and every way. Hold on to this knowing, this excitement in knowing this so clearly, and practice this each and every day, everywhere with everyone.
And when her mental rep says: you didn’t practice your power here.. and there! Don’t let that voice fool you, don’t let it have the same-old-same-old power over you. Relax and then calmly reject it-
it will be difficult to do so, when it happens, and it will. No way around it, so when it happens: notice, relax and calmly reject it. Say to it: you had power over me. You no longer have power over me.
It will not feel right, but again, don’t let that feeling fool you- it is connected to her voice. That feeling makes you believe her voice. Relax and disengage from her voice (the thought) and from the feeling attached to it.
anita
August 16, 2019 at 12:25 pm #308251Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Yes it feels so real and true. I would like you to elaborate on the following part of it:
And when her mental rep says: you didn’t practice your power here.. and there! Don’t let that voice fool you, don’t let it have the same-old-same-old power over you. Relax and then calmly reject it-
August 16, 2019 at 12:42 pm #308253AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Her mental rep wants power over you so it will try to take your resolution to practice power in your life away from you, by criticizing your practice, poking and jabbing at your excitement, your resolution, your Self Trust.
Have to have a plan when that happens, relaxing and disengaging from her voice (the thoughts) and the feelings attached to her voice (doubting yourself, distrusting yourself).
Let me know if you want to elaborate more specifically about what part?
anita
August 18, 2019 at 1:31 pm #308493Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I hope you are having a relaxing Sunday. I truly am. A day of staying in, lounging and also watching television. A guilty pleasure to stay in all day and be lazy. Unnatural, uncommon, but needed.
Actually, the television show I am watching is based on woman in person, and dysfunctional woman. Because the show has so many episodes, it goes into the story of many of the females. Some of which are truly bunch for inventive, and others which is based on their family surroundings, or a means to survive. Guard list, it shows character development and how so many people truly stay who they are, and some change. It also, based on what I watch today, really points out the concept of living in fear. Actually, I just watched shows one of the inmates been released from prison but she does not feel any sort of believe, as the living in fear won’t change for her.
It’s only a TV show but it has very relevant dialogue and concepts to real life.
It made me think about how in other circumstances, individuals with dysfunctional mothers may resort to crimes to make them others happy. Anything to make the mother happy. This is not a comparison of dysfunction just a conversation. I thought about how both you and I did anything and everything to make our mothers happy, and all that lead to increased distress for us, and no change in them. Their baseline dysfunctionality, misery and ache for power never changed.
I was watching the TV show I thought about, myself, as well as you, or any other child in the same scenario, as such sweet innocent little girls.
Innocent sweet girls who are blindsided by their mother, whatever their mothers say goes. They will do anything and everything to please or appease their mother. They do not realize this as they believe they are just going through life, not knowing that what they think is life is just being their mother’s puppet or punching bag.
Go onto the things we spoke about on Friday. Needing power. Like you said this resonated so deeply within me, so simple and true. I have been angry and resentful for not taking back my own power, following in the patterns of footsteps of my mother, even if she is far gone trying to appease her somehow subconsciously by continuing the same behaviors and keeping the same role. But having power is doing a thing like that, having power is doing anything that you want. It is making your own pattern whatever it may be, some of which may overlap with that of another being such as my mother, but none of which is dictated by anyone else but me.
Been spending a lazy day and watching television is power, as this is nothing I would have done on her by mothers watch. Imagine! So many comments.
And the funny thing is, it occurred to me again. I mentioned to you that I spoke with my mother-in-law on the phone this week, my husband and I told her that we will not be joining them to go to Maryland this weekend for a family function. I spoke to you about the guild that this resonated with me, especially because of that one comment, none of which was instigating on her and.
While I was relaxing today I must’ve missed her phone call. She had sent me a bunch of pictures from the event, that was an Indian holiday that we celebrate together every year. I had a missed call and a voicemail from her. I listen to the voicemail and it was saying how they had a great time and good weather and that they all missed us.
Even this triggered me slightly. Of course not because I thought that she was calling to rub this in my face, or guilt trip me. She was simply calling to touch base like she usually does, like many parents do. But still, I felt annoyed, like I wanted to swat a fly away. As to say, I’m sitting in peace in my pajamas watching TV and no one is bothering me, stop bothering me. Oh and by the way Anita, the event in Maryland was at his aunts house, the mother of that cousin incident from London. The aunt is fine – but I was in no mood to see that cousin and mix and mingle. Of course it was the whole family many cousins and a large group- but regardless.
Of course knowing her intent is NOT to bother. But regardless.
Brother shows me how to recruit I can become, but most of all, how I have had no power over my own life. Power over my mind, what to think, how to prioritize, what to believe. In Fact that it’s no different than mental prison.
You mentioned to me that all of the rollers are in fact wanting this power. I felt a lightbulb.
Not instantly a huge shining lightbulb- but a new light.
I live in fear. I live non assertively. I live without appropriate boundaries and interpersonal communication. I live in-authentically.
I live in fear.
I had chapter one – which brought me to no contact. Chapter 2 is realizing even what healing means – and the beginning of what an undertaking it is.
Chapter 3 now – is reality. Not the life I’ve been living which is hardly my own manifestation. The beginning of feeling something real. To be me – to have my own life and power back. And to learn what it is like to not live in fear.
August 18, 2019 at 1:33 pm #308495Cali ChicaParticipantAbove didn’t reflect under topics. Repost.
Dear Anita,
I hope you are having a relaxing Sunday. I truly am. A day of staying in, lounging and also watching television. A guilty pleasure to stay in all day and be lazy. Unnatural, uncommon, but needed.
Actually, the television show I am watching is based on woman in person, and dysfunctional woman. Because the show has so many episodes, it goes into the story of many of the females. Some of which are truly bunch for inventive, and others which is based on their family surroundings, or a means to survive. Guard list, it shows character development and how so many people truly stay who they are, and some change. It also, based on what I watch today, really points out the concept of living in fear. Actually, I just watched shows one of the inmates been released from prison but she does not feel any sort of believe, as the living in fear won’t change for her.
It’s only a TV show but it has very relevant dialogue and concepts to real life.
It made me think about how in other circumstances, individuals with dysfunctional mothers may resort to crimes to make them others happy. Anything to make the mother happy. This is not a comparison of dysfunction just a conversation. I thought about how both you and I did anything and everything to make our mothers happy, and all that lead to increased distress for us, and no change in them. Their baseline dysfunctionality, misery and ache for power never changed.
I was watching the TV show I thought about, myself, as well as you, or any other child in the same scenario, as such sweet innocent little girls.
Innocent sweet girls who are blindsided by their mother, whatever their mothers say goes. They will do anything and everything to please or appease their mother. They do not realize this as they believe they are just going through life, not knowing that what they think is life is just being their mother’s puppet or punching bag.
Go onto the things we spoke about on Friday. Needing power. Like you said this resonated so deeply within me, so simple and true. I have been angry and resentful for not taking back my own power, following in the patterns of footsteps of my mother, even if she is far gone trying to appease her somehow subconsciously by continuing the same behaviors and keeping the same role. But having power is doing a thing like that, having power is doing anything that you want. It is making your own pattern whatever it may be, some of which may overlap with that of another being such as my mother, but none of which is dictated by anyone else but me.
Been spending a lazy day and watching television is power, as this is nothing I would have done on her by mothers watch. Imagine! So many comments.
And the funny thing is, it occurred to me again. I mentioned to you that I spoke with my mother-in-law on the phone this week, my husband and I told her that we will not be joining them to go to Maryland this weekend for a family function. I spoke to you about the guild that this resonated with me, especially because of that one comment, none of which was instigating on her and.
While I was relaxing today I must’ve missed her phone call. She had sent me a bunch of pictures from the event, that was an Indian holiday that we celebrate together every year. I had a missed call and a voicemail from her. I listen to the voicemail and it was saying how they had a great time and good weather and that they all missed us.
Even this triggered me slightly. Of course not because I thought that she was calling to rub this in my face, or guilt trip me. She was simply calling to touch base like she usually does, like many parents do. But still, I felt annoyed, like I wanted to swat a fly away. As to say, I’m sitting in peace in my pajamas watching TV and no one is bothering me, stop bothering me. Oh and by the way Anita, the event in Maryland was at his aunts house, the mother of that cousin incident from London. The aunt is fine – but I was in no mood to see that cousin and mix and mingle. Of course it was the whole family many cousins and a large group- but regardless.
Of course knowing her intent is NOT to bother. But regardless.
Brother shows me how to recruit I can become, but most of all, how I have had no power over my own life. Power over my mind, what to think, how to prioritize, what to believe. In Fact that it’s no different than mental prison.
You mentioned to me that all of the rollers are in fact wanting this power. I felt a lightbulb.
Not instantly a huge shining lightbulb- but a new light.
I live in fear. I live non assertively. I live without appropriate boundaries and interpersonal communication. I live in-authentically.
I live in fear.
I had chapter one – which brought me to no contact. Chapter 2 is realizing even what healing means – and the beginning of what an undertaking it is.
Chapter 3 now – is reality. Not the life I’ve been living which is hardly my own manifestation. The beginning of feeling something real. To be me – to have my own life and power back. And to learn what it is like to not live in fear.
August 19, 2019 at 8:44 am #308559AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Good morning! When you submit and it doesn’t reflect under topics, simply post again “didn’t reflect”, (no need to copy and paste the post again).
“A guilty pleasure to stay in all day and be lazy”- guilt is a painful feeling. We fear feeling pain and that fear has kept you spinning your wheels before.
“the concept of living in fear.. inmates been released from prison but.. living in fear won’t change for her”- I live thousands of miles away from my mother, to never see her or hear her again and yet I heard her only yesterday, arguing with me, dismissing my thoughts as wrong. Her voice in my brain is not loud and I notice it quickly, but I still hear it, still feel the fear of what she will say and do next (imagining someone else who is in my present life has already thinking what she is thinking and is about to let me know how wrong and bad I am).
“both you and I did anything and everything to make our mothers happy, and all that lead to increased distress for us, and no change in them… such sweet innocent little girls… They will do anything and everything to please or appease their mothers… being their mother’s puppet or punching bag”-basically, our good nature was taken advantaged of, we were used, misused, abused. Basically we loved her and she used our love for her and our need for her, to hurt us. I don’t know if I should use this word, but since you brought up prison, you and I were our mothers’ b*^*,weren’t we.
“Needing power… I have been angry and resentful for not taking back my own power”- to no longer be her b*^* (I am using this word because it resonates with me this morning, it feels so true). To no longer be her b*^* is to no longer “somehow subconsciously .. continuing the same behaviors and keeping the same role”- and it takes being conscious, mindful, attentive to take back our power.
When your mother in law called you and left a message saying they had a great time etc., she didn’t try to “rub this in my face, or guilt trip me”, you wrote. But your mother did, when your mother said similar things she did mean to rub it in your face and to guilt trip you. This is why you project these intents into your mother in law. In other words, as a child you perceived correctly the intents of your mother, then closed your awareness to it best you can, fast forward, you project those intents into another person.
“I felt annoyed, like I wanted to swat a fly away”- this is how young Cali Chica felt when her mother tried to guilt trip her, intending to do so.
“stop bothering me”- this is how you felt as a child, bothered by your mother, wanting her to stop bothering you.
(Good thing you didn’t go to Maryland and see again that cousin from the London incident, why cause yourself distress).
“I live in fear… I live in-authentically. To be me- to have my own life and power back. And to learn what it is like to not live in fear”-
– to be you, you do have to free yourself from that “mental prison” you mentioned, mindfully, attentively, to choose thoughtfully. If you don’t pay attention, you will continue to live within that mental prison.
To be free from that mental prison, practice your freedom every day, choose thoughtfully, endure the guilt, the distress and persevere. Relax and watch TV, go or not go to events, you decide. Figure who really is mistreating you and who you only imagine to be mistreating you (projecting your mother into that person). It will take time and a pause between event (ex., hearing the voicemail left by your mother in law) and response (ex of one you didn’t do: calling her back and saying: you are trying to guilt trip me!)
Remove the guilt (I-am-doing-wrong) and shame (I-am-wrong) when you do what you feel like doing, and that is how it feels to be free.
anita
August 19, 2019 at 9:36 am #308571Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I have been feeling a bit under the weather over the last few days, cough and cold – likely something I caught from a patient last week.
The time to rest and recoup was nice yesterday especially given this. Feeling not 100% energetic really does give me a glimpse of what its like to live life in the slow lane, and taking pauses.
I did not respond to my mother in law, if I had yesterday on the phone I would have been apathetic and annoyed. Instead I texted her today and told her I enjoyed her pictures and that I will be free tomorrow to talk after work. she said great.
Direct communication – no guilt involved.
This upcoming weekend we have a wedding for my husband’s close friend, he is in the grooms party. There are 3 days of events. Thursday evening and friday evening and all day Saturday. I am glad the events Thursday/Friday are local in Manhattan.
I thought about the concept of rushing and how this weekend it will be imperative for me not to rush so that I can bring out the best in myself. Often events like this have made me feel very frenzied and hectic, rushing from work to here to there, traffic commutes etc. I see now looking back how this was a set up for frenzy, irritable behavior – and lashing out. And it has happened.
I notice how if we didn’t say no to the event this weekend, we would be even more depleted for the next event. I notice how I have set myself up for failure time and again in my life.
By listening to my mother, by giving her all my power, and to exert myself towards depletion.
These are the things to notice, and to correct. No shame in my game!
August 19, 2019 at 11:14 am #308581Cali ChicaParticipanti am not sure if above reflected, I posted a while back but just writing here in case.
I wanted to add that I thought about the following:
I used to bombard my mind with everything. This and that. this person and that thing. Creating no space. No space left.
And then i wondered how to heal, where to get the space?
Now I see the power I have to not over bombard. I can choose what goes in and out of my mind to a point. I must maintain some space for me, just me.
August 19, 2019 at 12:01 pm #308585AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Don’t rush to get to the events Thurs and Fri- what if you are late, so what? I remember your description of N’s wedding I think it was, years ago, you were rushing while she herself, the bride, did not rush.
“I must maintain some space for me, just me”- yes, do so. Hope you feel better soon, the cough and cold (yes, your previous post didn’t reflect).
anita
August 19, 2019 at 12:04 pm #308587Cali ChicaParticipantHello,
Exactly – in fact my husband and I discussed how we don’t have to rush to the events.
Luckily this wedding won’t be too much involvement for either of us, unlike a family event.
Best of all, I will have a chance to practice so much of what we have spoken about. And feel comfortable in silence if needed, or a disengaged approach. Friendly yet not too involved, perfect balance.
August 19, 2019 at 12:31 pm #308591AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Yes, excellent practice opportunity to not rush, to be silent in a social event, to be “Friendly yet not too involved”-
A side note perhaps, I was wondering: because of the heavy duty extravaganza of Indian culture weddings, families going all out- does it make it very difficult to get divorced, it being so very embarrassing because of the very public investment by parents, and otherwise the strong public declaration of marriage?
anita
August 19, 2019 at 12:36 pm #308593Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
This wedding we are going to is not Indian – which I am glad for. It will help disengage more, as it is interesting to see and learn about other cultures and not be immersed in your own at times.
Yes, it makes it very difficult. There is a social stigma, and in fact I do believe many people stay together often due to this “shame” that will be brought upon their family. This was much more common in my mothers generation, when people had arranged marriages without much input from the individuals getting married – it was a union of families, and whatever the parents thought best.
In my generation I know a few Indian women in their 30s divorced, some remarried happily. There is much more open-ness to it, for good reason. Of course it depends on each person’s individual family members, i.e, someone like my mother – would make it known it was the devastation of her life that her daughter brought on such a tragedy to her family – and likewise – oh how sad for my amazing perfect daughter to come to this fate etc etc melodramatic as could be.
August 19, 2019 at 1:37 pm #308595AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I see. You wrote that your mother would have made it known “it was the devastation of her life that her daughter brought on such a tragedy to her family” etc.-
– who really has been the devastation in whose life… who brought tragedy to whom, you know.
anita
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