Dearest Anita,

I am glad to hear this. Good news. I’m going to answer your questions based on what medical knowledge I have, giving you  a disclaimer that gynecology as well as gynecologic tumors are not my personal specialty. I do have a pretty broad sense and understanding of the topic as you can tell. I will do some reading tomorrow about this matter to add to my answer.  So the question of how common it is for the tumor to be cancerous despite these tumor markers being negative. It is my understanding that this is a low likelihood, however I will read up on it further. If the tumor is not removed whether it is cancerous or not it can grow. When it grows it can cause a myriad of different issues such as a mass effect on organs that are near it leading to issues with reproductive health, pain, issues with your gastrointestinal symptoms, abdominal swelling, etc.  In short, it can cause local and full body disruption in different ways.   Women in their 50s go through many hormonal changes, as a result, it is not uncommon for women to have different growths. I cannot put this in the exact perfect medical terms, besides the fact that it happens sometimes. As women our reproductive systems and our hormones can be so wacky and up and down that it can often lead to growth of cysts and tumors. For example many women have large growths in their uterus, sometimes these fibroids in her uterus can be as large as a fetus!  I was in a surgery once in which we removed a fibroid from a woman’s uterus that was 8 pounds! I know that is not the exact same scenario as you, but often tissue can grow abnormally in this fashion, and it is good to catch it early to make sure that the growth does not cause more issues to your overall body. Every single thing that is removed from the body is sent to a laboratory. The cells of the mass will be personally examined by a physician that is certified in this called a pathologist. The results of the cells that are studied under the microscope will be given to your surgeon so that he or she can rule out any malignancy further.  If there are any cancer cells in that mass, they will show up on the microscope. It doesn’t get any more direct than that. This way you will have peace of mind knowing exactly what was in that mass. What are your next steps? Do you have an estimated timeline of your surgery?

Dear Anita,

It makes sense that you are unsettled.  Perhaps receiving the result made you realize the reality of the situation – as in “wait this is actually happening, it is real.”

I will have to do more reading regarding statistics about negative markers. When you have the surgery, the mass will be sent and that will be a much more specific way to test what is in the tumor.

It seems you have the right set up as far as an exam in the near future, and subsequent surgery after.

On another note…

I had this visual last night, about observing a scene before walking in.  Such as observing a party, meeting, function from the outside, before entering.  Taking a look at the room through the glass windows, assessing what is going on over there, who is there, how are they interacting.

I had this visual because I thought about how I jump in to scenarios without ever assessing first.  Similar to the concept of “jumping into the lap” of that cousin.  Not taking my time to assess, and see if it is a scenario a) suitable for myself b) worthy of my effort c) healthy for my interaction d) trustworthy

I thought about this new concept, of how if I allowed myself time and composure entering both physical and metaphorical scenarios, I would be able to be the cool calm collected CC I want to be.

This goes back to not rushing of course.  Rushing head first into any scenario whether it be a physical event, or a conversation, or an emotional task – you don’t have your thoughts collected prior.  You are a jumbled mess!

So then you wonder why you are distressed, and you resent yourself for always being rushed and never taking your time.

I will think about this more…Look forward to talking to you when you wake up 🙂

Hello,

I would love to hear what you learned from your recent events, and happy for you to share.

I just looked at this Daily Mood log.  My favorite part of this is the list of 10 cognitive distortions, a great opportunity to journal about each one, and find examples of each – and point out to myself how I was “doing” this without realizing, and how it is in fact a cognitive distortion.

Please explain to me the proper way to approach this as far as the percentages of emotion before and after.

I will do it based on one thought process/situation right now.

Situation or event: Husband and I starting the journey of Trying to Conceive (TTC)

Emotions:

Anxious: 90% (feeling worried, pre-emptively anxious about infertility, obsessive about medical knowledge regarding it)

Hopeless: 30% (feeling slightly defeated given the statistics and knowing the issues my friends have had)

Other: Excited: 20% (happy to be in a mind set that my husband and I are open to this, and this next chapter – yet the above does bring the percentage of excitement lower – negative emotions overshadowing)

Negative thoughts:

I will have trouble conceiving because of the lifelong stress I have had.  Clearly this must have done damage to my body. I have ongoing stress and that is not great for TTC.

I resent the amount of stress I have had on my mind and body.

I am going to be 34, I don’t hate myself for that as I have chosen to have children later due to my career, yet it is actively walking into “potential issues”

I don’t want one more thing to worry about and be stressed about!

Because of my knowledge, I tend to get obsessive and not “go with the flow” it will be hard for me to enjoy the process because of that

Positive thoughts:

I have the medical knowledge, resources, and understanding to approach this in a methodical way

I am happy that my husband and I are at a healthy/mature state to proceed in this fashion, I think it will make us even closer, and further our “inner circle” mentality that we have been working on

I think I will be a good mother, maybe even great! I know it will be a learning process, but I know that my personal journey and what I have been through will be in many ways beneficial.  I also know it is a lot of “learn as you go”

My husband is an amazing supportive person, and will be an amazing future father.

I am at the point of putting career second to possible child-bearing, I am glad to be in a field in which I can find flexibility in the future in some ways

Cognitive Distortions***

All or nothing thinking:

I assume TTC will either be EASY or HARD.  There is an inbetween which may likely be the case.  Easy in some ways,  but some hurdles and another journey.  It doesn’t have to be mindless or terribly torturous.  Also you can’t take peoples stories of how easy or difficult it was – to apply to yourself.

Overgeneralization:

I take the fact that I have had a lot of physical and mental stress to assume it will be disruptive to my body.  I assume this.  And as much as this may be the case, our bodies and minds are resilient – so I can not just assume.

Mental Filter:

As above, the excitement is diminished by dwelling on the negative of anxiety and intellect, and taking away from good feelings.

Jumping to conclusions:

Jumping to the fact that I will have a hard time, without having really even tried! Jumping to negative!

Self-Blame:

Somewhat blaming myself for having Potential issues because my body and mind have been burdened by extreme stress

Dear Anita,

Thank you for sharing.  I did not have difficulty writing about TTC because it is a “big” event with many obvious and notable stressors many of which are universal.  I think when it comes to smaller things, such as daily events/moods/etc – the types of things we talk about daily, it will be much more illuminating as well as difficult.  I will give it a try.

Thank you for being open about your advice for me:

Regarding the TTC topic- I think that having a part time job that is the least distressing will be necessary for you as you try to conceive and during the pregnancy, and if it takes you not working at all- don’t.

I agree entirely. I wanted to say how endearing and heart warming it is to see you be open and honest about me with advice/your opinion.  It is only in a true open friendship/mentorship/relationship/etc that two individuals can do that.  I love it.

So I agree entirely.  In fact my thoughts go like this.  What else matters in life? If work stress is adding to my stress and potentially adding to TTC stress – how ironic! Imagine going to all these doctors and taking all these meds (potentially) but not changing the one thing that could help – lowering stress! So much of it I can’t undo – the healing journey I am on.  But actively making changes to not rush and feel tension will help me profoundly – in that journey and future.  Yes you are right as well about down the line about a fetus feeling the emotions.  All in all, to me, there is nothing more important than doing all I can to ensure that I can approach this next phase of my life with composure and more relaxation.

On to the next…

You wrote:

I figured that this fear I was experiencing was no greater, and actually less raw and less intense than the fear I felt as a child

this made me say WOW! It just goes to show how terrible the fear that you (and I) felt as a child.  The fear instilled in us from our childhoods, from our distressing mothers.  It is incredible to read and see that this fear in fact can be close to if not same or worse as the fear of a potentially negative health concern.

 I learned that to be strong is different from pretending to be strong. I can cry and be strong at the same time

Wow, excellent point. I thought about how (for me recently) I in many ways look forward to crying, but notice when it comes to real big life events/issues – it is extremely difficult to cry.  I too thought being strong is not to cry.  And also know that deep down there is a feeling of being ashamed for crying.  Of course, given my story.  Of course given that these mothers gave their daughters no room to express themselves authentically.

 make sure that you are consolable. It is important for him to know that he makes a positive difference in your sadness, despair, fear and so on. This will motivate him to be there for you in the future.

I will make sure of this.  I have not been doing this.  In fact, my husband never asks for “credit.” But I see the results  of how defeated he is in always working hard to make a positive difference for me, but never seeing a difference.  I see how you wrote (and your example yesterday evening in your own life) that your husband’s role did make a difference.  It was seen by you and him.  It is this sort of back and forth and positive reinforcement and openness that makes a relationship go and grow, isn’t it? It brings me back to the interpersonal communication, and how I have a lot to learn and work on.  It makes me see that effective communication is not overly educated and complicated. It is just simple and raw.

It is authentic and loving.  Which is the innate – both Anita and Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

This is exactly what I think, real life close friend.  I do agree about communicating on Tiny Buddha.  Yet a short while ago I had this feeling that if this website went down, bought over, etc – I would hate to lose touch with you.  Well we can think about that one day – not today! I figured if that becomes a “concern” what I will do is ask you to check my next post (at that time) then immediately post my personal email, have you copy it – and then go back and edit the post so that it can be deleted and not public.  At least I have a plan! So we will remain in touch. What do you think? Maybe a good idea if it comes to that one day…

It hurt so much that your muscles ever since are prepared, so not to hurt so badly ever again

Oh our poor muscles. So much TLC they need now.  So much of a reminder they serve.  Always talking to me, telling me that they are aching and tired.  Angry and burnt out.  Reminding me no matter who or what or where, that the trauma remains – and is a burden I bear.  I must accept it, acknowledge it, and work with it.

When a young child perceives losing her mother (seeing her so sad and troubled and out of control etc.), the child is scared to death, just like any other mammal finding itself alone in the cold, with predators around.

I never thought of it this way, I never thought that wow young Cali Chica was in fact afraid of losing her mother! Scared to death of it! Wow how powerful.  Actually.  I have a visual right now of being in the small apartment I lived in before the big house.  Being younger than 4.  I can’t recall exactly but the words that come to mind are:

sad, lonely, desolate, cold

And when I think about it, it was a place of despair. A place of worry – that my mother just would not make it perhaps on those days she had that deep sad loneliness and emotional outbursts.  How traumatizing for a kid! I will reflect on this more in my next post…

And your last paragraph,

I very much want him to be able to breathe, grow, and become more.  I like this very much.