Dear Anita,

i am typing notes here. I will elaborate in the morning.

Fear of explaining myself

fear of being invalidated and assumed to just have normal level of stress

fear of not having mental space.

Fear of obstacles.

Dearest Anita,

Best of luck with your lab work today.  I am glad you made it to your appointment. The woman’s body has an interesting way of surprising us at times. Well there are many reasons why women in their forties to 50s Get growths on their ovaries. I am glad you are getting a work up, and all hopes and positivity is being sent to rule out anything not great. You have great support in me if and when you ever need it! The surgery through the bellybutton is called Laparoscopic surgery, and it minimize these large open incisions. You will wind up with around three small incisions one in the belly button and two around the belly, a camera is used to visualize the entire pelvic area to look at the ovary and  remove what is needed. It is in a minimally invasive fashion. I was involved in a lot of gynecologic surgery in my last job daily. And have some friends who are gyn surgeons. And the recovery after the surgery is meant to be (and usually is) much much better than when you had to have open incision and large subsequent scar years ago.

I look forward to speaking to you later – Enjoy your “cuppa coffee” first.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

So first things first, ovarian cancer will be diagnosed by the mass itself, taking it out and sending it to a lab.  As well as labwork (which I assume you are heading to soon).  Certain markers in the blood are elevated if there is a cancer.  This is not always the case, but there are standard labs that are done to check these “tumor markers.”

As far as symptoms.  Often when ovarian cancer has spread, it can cause symptoms such abdominal swelling, bloating, change in bowel habits, fatigue.  I can’t say whether this means it has in fact “spread” or it is the mass itself causing this.  The rest of your work up will be able to examine this.

Or, it can be a non-cancerous growth – which can happen in certain scenarios.

I am sure your doctor will be ordering tests and a work up now to see what this tumor is, and you will know sooner than later.  I can imagine that perhaps you feel impatient or confused, I do not know your medical history and don’t want to assume anything.  We can talk about this as much or little as you want.  I would like to know the results of the work up when it comes – if you are comfortable with that.  Whatever you want.

I think you are getting the blood draws as we speak, good luck.  Talk soon.

Yes my dear Anita.  Remind yourself that we talk so much about fear that is inappropriate, or fear that is displaced.

Yet, we must allow ourselves appropriate fear:

It is okay to feel anxious when getting a medical work up

It is okay to feel scared/impatient when waiting results

It is okay to feel uneasy about what is unknown (right now)

You have tremendous support in me – I hope you always know.

Talk later.

Dear Anita,

Good to know.  Keep me posted.

I thought a lot about how fear has so much to do with effective communication.  With first yourself, and second with others.  The exercise I did with you last week, the answering of the questions from your therapist – made me realize I am an ineffective communicator, and not assertive.

2 very important realizations. Very important for myself to gauge the enormity of what I have been NOT processing for years.

Not to say that I did a bad job, but I did trick myself.

Able to write and talk for hours on end if I had to.  Able to describe many things in detail.  Able to open up, and not shut down.

YET, not effectively communicating! How about that.

Not able to truly understand what I was going through, process it, and let it sink in.  Without jumping over discomfort/uneasiness to action – to rage.

I remember a year or so ago we talked about how there is an obsession and a compulsion, a reaction to a distressing feeling or thought, and an act.  An acting out.

Whether it  be physical or emotional.

Eating to numb the pain.  Talking over and over.  Any thing and everything.  It doesn’t matter what it is – but more that it is jumping over straight into a reaction.

And like you said, taking the “re” out of the action is important

Hush the rush!!!

the best one yet. I’ll let that sink in and circle back to you in the morning. I enjoyed your last post immensely and will allow myself to process it before I reply

I will message you in the morning, and look forward to talking to you then. I hope you rest today or take your walk. It is about to rain here – so this evening,  a great excuse for rest!

Dear Anita,

Hush the rush is perfect.

It is easy to say out loud, it is easy as a reminder.

I have changed my morning routine since we started talking about all this, and I had that low point.

One may think  I now wake up earlier and exercise in the morning and eat healthy and all this

But NO

I do less.  I allow myself to lay in bed and collect my thoughts. I don’t respond to any texts or emails.  I don’t judge myself for not waking up earlier to go to the gym.  I take a longer shower, where I collect more thoughts.  I take an extra few minutes to take the dog out, and I try – key word try – to put away more things.

I’ve been actively creating more space in my life, doing whatever it takes.  That’s all I can do.

Going back to fear.  There is fear associated with not following the intrinsic “baseline” patterns that I am used to.

The concept of only doing what works for me – how profound, but how dripped with guilt.

This is what I am working on, with effective communication – here and in “real” life.

I hope you are well this morning.