oh and by the way, I am working with the mean doctor today, and as I saw her get more moody I knew a jab was coming towards me – I could smell it. (knowing what I know now)

She goes “oh hun that perfume you’re wearing, I am sorry but I am just so sensitive to the scent”

(background, I am not wearing perfume, perhaps a body lotion from 6 am – entirely made as a jab not reality)

my response: “oh really that sensitive, that must be hard in nyc to have such a sensitive nose!”

that shut her up real fast -didn’t it? yes it did 🙂

Dear Anita,

Good Morning.

This morning (I tried) to do things step by step. I woke up, had my full glass of water, fed the dog – and made the bed.  I didn’t just through the comforter over the bed.  I actually took the extra 30 seconds to do it properly.  So much of life involves focus for only a few seconds longer to do it “right”, yet, when we are frenzied that amount seems too much/or fleeting.  I then took my dog on a walk and paid attention to him, and not the frenzy of those around me in their hustle of the AM commute.

I noticed I wished the walk was much longer, my dog looked up at me as though to say “where next?” I said out loud – this is it for now, but I will take you after work.

It reminds me of the ideals that are most important, and the list- making that list.

I thought about how you mentioned that you believe that “wagging of the tail” is within me, deep down inside.

I think so too, I think there are many layers above it of course.  First of which, our next step.  Chapter 2.  Where will we move and what jobs.  That is the center of my husband and my talks/priorities at this time.  Therefore, more than ever we must focus on inner circle.  What needs to be done to self preserve, to retain energy and focus, and not give it away.

Dear Anita,

Good evening, my time. I did work step-by-step today. And that I did what I needed to do, what was beneficial. Without over communicating it to myself, or to others. As in, less talk more action.

I thought about today on my walk home, how my mother always gave myself, and then my sister, Cole examples” of people who are doing things right. It could be anything, oh look at that girl at the gym look how great she isn’t working out. I’ll look at that Woman and how she is always so well-dressed. Oh look at that husband. I’ll look at that child and how behaved he or she is.

This is not news to either yourself right. We know that is, that she was at work focused, and always finding other people to talk about. But randomly it occurred to me today ha ha if I have to write down almost every single person she referred to quite often, at this stage in my life looking back, 95% of these people were extremely immature. They were not what they seem to. This could be By chance, but I know it’s not. It’s that she often picked and chose individuals to put look up to Uncle that we’re very outward and the expression of who they were. There was no social media back then, but if it wasn’t current time, she would be sitting there admiring the woman who consistently talks about all the nice things for her husband does for her on Facebook. I would say oh look how lucky that lady is. Or if it was to happen in present day, she would praise the young kid who is constantly posting how many she or she gets in gym class every day, saying what a stellar child.

Back then we didn’t have such public displays of bragging, but what we did have is talk. There’s always been talk hasn’t there, Anita. In every age, in every culture.

Individuals who talked and talked. Talked about how great their life was, talked about how great their marriage wise, talk to about how great their vacation was, talked about how much they exercise. The people who continually talked and talked, she praised these people.

She listen to what they said she absorbed it, she was a perfect target! But they were trying to do, by talking so much that their life appeared someway, worked, on her. And then as I got older, it worked on me, incessantly hearing about these peoples on the types of things that they were doing and how great your life is, subconsciously it gave me the pressure to always do better no matter what the sector, I never realizing what I had first of course.

Anyway, I thought about how she has always praised people who simply talk, and often never did, often boisterous, and talking out of their Burt/nonsense. And in every culture there is the term, talk is cheap. But those words were never on it from my mothers mouth. Of course not, because as I became older, she became the person who continue to talk about how great her life was well she abused me. She became the person who talked about how great she was and how humble and wonderful while she continue to abuse my sister and I.

nonsensical chatter.

This term comes to mind I will reflect on this.