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July 24, 2019 at 8:10 am #304673Cali ChicaParticipant
Dear Anita,
I am glad you like that visual, I had a feeling you would.
You are exactly right about the market, and why in his specific field there are limited positions: the need has to arise, someone has to retire, some expansion taking place etc. As your husband stated, the medical climate is changed these days than say 20 years ago â so it is an even more difficult world. We shall give it some time and see what happens!
I donât remember that feeling at all, I am assuming I felt it then. I have this vague sense that I did, waiting for my father to arrive home. Being on a flight heading to vacationâŠ
As an adultâŠat this exact time I do not recall this feeling. I know it existed, but I canât pinpoint that anticipatory exciting feeling.
So as far as the wedding I attend with N, I was excited to enjoy it (not the immense anticipatory joy excitement) more of a â letâs go and enjoy this feeling!
At this London wedding, it was exhaustion. Enjoyed myself in the moment while I was there, but would have been equally (actually more) happy to be home with my dog and Netflix. I am so so so very burnt out from weddings (I know I donât have to explain to you why!). In fact the first summer my now husband and I were together seriously we attending around 8 weddings during our residency training (when we didnât have many weekends off!).
So at this time, I can not recall the last time I felt a deep down excitement wagging of the tale feeling.
July 24, 2019 at 8:31 am #304679Cali ChicaParticipantI wanted to add something I am observing at work today. There is a tech that works with us in the room almost daily. He is extremely nice and hard working. He is very talkative and friendly.
I have been noticing for some time that he will always find something to talk about, and joke about. Often an endearing quality. I then found myself often being irritated by this quality over the last few weeks. Feeling that anytime I was caught with a free moment he would ask me a question. Always in the kindest way of course, such as âoh how was your weekendâ or âoh how did X thing go.â
I saw it today. He is someone who truly has trouble staying silent. I noticed this quality in SCC often. Needing to fill the silences, the gaps. Always entertaining, always bringing something up.
And I thought â that is insane!
How ridiculous, it sounds insane â it is insane.
Blab blab blab â such nonsense! Talking just to talk, bringing up random topics, never allowing a moment of peace!
I surely donât want to be this way.
SCC needs to go â she truly does.
July 24, 2019 at 8:57 am #304685AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I like you referring to SCC in the third person. We should put together some kind of a ceremony for her departure, right here on your thread. Or maybe keep her for a purpose: next time you find yourself about to talk for the sake of talking, âBlab blab blabâ, send SCC to do so and remain silent yourself. Next time you are invited to a wedding you donât have to attend, send SCC there and stay at home with your dog and Netflix. And so on.
Question regarding enjoying things, your mother pressured you and your sister to enjoy things, rushed you to get going and not miss this or that supposed joyful event, correct? Tell me more about it, will you, how she pressured you to enjoy life?
anita
July 24, 2019 at 9:10 am #304689Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I like the idea of the ceremony for her departure, it will be very special â for the both of us.
As far as the second part, my sister in fact would be great at describing this. She would mention this very early on during our vacations, something that I only started seeing later on and recently. An example would be she would ask me to explain to her the surroundings and what we were doing, so that she could feel she was enjoying. As in, she would have trouble actually enjoying in the moment, so would want a reference. Such as, okay little sister we are here swimming in this beautiful ocean having a wonderful time. I didnât recall then why or what not. Looking back it was like this:
My mother would make a huge deal about this vacation we were going on â go on and on how she planned it and how it will be amazing. Then for literally weeks before the trip she will incessantly talk about it, and even talk about packing (no matter how big or small the trip) when we were younger. Then when finally say a few weekends before the trip arrive, she is going manic about packing! Making it extremely stressful and terrible. Lets say at this time I wanted to hang out with a friend, she would scold me and say! We have to pack!
So then I would stay home to pack and get my things out, but she would repack all of our suitcases the âneat and rightâ way.
Then lets say we are at the airport. My father has a horrible temper about the service we are receiving (I mean no one likes the airport right) â and my mother is complaining about this and that. In between she is exclaiming how much fun we will have. My sister and I when we were younger would be in our own world playing, but of course absorbing this.
Then we arrive, we are immediately thrilled my sister and I. Beautiful landscapes, amazing pool, perfect weather oh my!
But see â see all that was there prior! So how could a kid just simply jump in to enjoy?! i see it now.
And during the trip it wouldnât stop of course. Incessant talking about others. Oh look at that family they are rich enough to bring a nanny with them. Look at these American people never doing anything on their own, always getting help. Oh the food here is so good but how overly expensive! Oh look at that other Indian family and how horrible they are dressed â jeez it makes our people look bad!
And of course â lets not forget â the worst of all â TDW example, oh look over there that group of 14, how fun that is. Too bad our own family canât cooperate like this.
So anyway all of this is there. And then as I got older I would feel a pressure to enjoy, when innately I likely didnât feel relaxed.
For example my sister and I were at Atlantis while I was in my 20s and my sister was say 18 or so. It is a beautiful resort in the Bahamas. It is geared for families, and especially young children, but all ages can enjoy it. Anyway, there is a world renowned water slide there. My sister and I had a blast â and then the pressure (didnât realize it then)
My mother continued to say oh how amazing that slide is! You girls donât want to go again?! If lets say we were relaxing for a moment.
My sister and I discussed this a few weeks ago. She recalls feeling stressed not âenjoying Atlantis enoughâ â and we talked about how we had the pressure to enjoy a water park as though we were 8 years old. Sure our mother brought us there, but its that underlying pressure to make sure she knew how much we were enjoying that encompassed the whole thing.
As though she wanted to jump out of her adult body and be on that slide instead
July 24, 2019 at 10:18 am #304695AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Torture by Travel, new term.
âshe would repack all of our suitcases the âneat and rightâ wayâ-so she took two kinds of belongings with her traveling: items that she packed neatly, the right way and two daughters she messed with all through the packing of the items, seeing that the items are packed the right way while treating her daughters the very wrong way.
She messed with her daughters by âgoing on- go on and on how she planned it and how it will be amazing⊠incessantly talk about it.. manic about packing⊠complaining about this and that⊠exclaiming how much fun we will have⊠Incessant talking about others⊠that family.. how horrible they are⊠Too bad our own familyâŠhow amazing that slide is! You girls donât want to go again?!â.
Children need calm parents, not a manic mother, it disturbs the neurons for a child to be exposed to a manic mother, it excites the neurons beyond the level that is comfortable to endure. The two of you were not given the privilege of relaxing. She disturbed you with her mania any time she wanted.
âshe (your sister) would ask me to explain to her the surroundings and what we were doing, so that she could feel she was enjoying.. Such as, okay little sister we are here swimming in this beautiful ocean having a wonderful timeâ-
â she was looking for the joy, where is it, because her neurons were manic, like your mother, manic. She is looking for what is good about any of this.. tell me. So you told her, oh, the ocean. So troubled in her own brain, she canât see the ocean.
anita
July 24, 2019 at 10:21 am #304697Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I will add on to your last statement â so troubled in her own brain she canât see the ocean. Well I could âseeâ it, but I too wasnât relaxed.
Here it is a frenzy of mania, starting with the mother â passed down daughter to daughter.
Yes, above all, children need calm parents.
Calm is everything
What do you think we shall do to bid SCC a farewell? Perhaps a bit too early? Wouldnât want to over-step SCCâs exit. But then again, it is up to me, isnât it? To say it is time for you to go nowâŠ
July 24, 2019 at 11:03 am #304707AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
To bid SCC a farewell, it is too early to do it today because I need to know, and you need to get in touch with how it feels to bid her farewell. And you will need to clearly define who you are saying goodbye to. For example, you like the engaging, friendly part of you, which makes people comfortable with you- you will not be bidding farewell to that person, will you?
I think that the next step is for you to define SCC, who she is in your current life.
anita
July 24, 2019 at 11:55 am #304717Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I will define SCC (here is a start at least)
- OVER-engaging
- this goes beyond Friendly, to over-involved and consumed. Not knowing when to âwalkâ away and go back to oneâs self. SCC gets immersed and engrossed in the other personâs conversation
- Angry
- This may sound strange but SCC is angry. Why? Because she has to be super of course! Deep rooted anger comes from the need to be super. ALWAYS. Not better and superior, but SUPER. Super in the sense of always achieving oneâs own sense of as good as possible.
- Impulsive/Impatient
- SCC is always in a fury or frenzy. She wants the results yesterday, she wants the decision tomorrow. She has very little patience, and therefore can be impulsive. She does not realize always that the world does not run on her âsuperâ schedule â nor would it be healthy for it to. Patience that all will be well, and in time â is key.
- Faith (less)
- Overall, SCC lacks faith that things will work out just fine. She feels the need to âmake them fine.â Sure in some ways that can be beneficial. Efforts can succeed. But when it comes to important things in life â calm is key. Patience and calm.
- Feeling the need to share
- SCC Notoriously does not enjoy something unless it is shared with others. It is not bragging, it is sharing and allowing others to engage and enjoy the experience. She thus dilutes it for herself most of the time, or is so caught up in explaining to others, she misses the joyful moment of her own
Thereâs a start..
July 24, 2019 at 12:13 pm #304725AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
âThereâs a startâ in an academic paper about Super Cali Chica. As I started reading it, it quickly became clear to me that, for example, you canât decide now to not be over-engaging in the future. And how can anyone possibly draw the line between engaging and over engaging while in a social interaction.
There is only one way I see, one concrete way to bid SCC farewell, and that is in you practicing Calm That will make a⊠CCC, Calm Cali Chica. This means the following: you slow down everything, your very movements, your speech, everything. Nothing else can train the overly excited neurons to relax.
This is not easy to do, goes against the grain. I donât mean that you move in slow motion, but slower, slower than before. Talk slower than before. Everything slower.
anita
July 24, 2019 at 12:26 pm #304731Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Got it.
I will reflect, do this the best I can so far today (and of course this is just a start), and circle back later.
July 24, 2019 at 12:43 pm #304741AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Good thing, SCC is on her way out and CCC is on her way in.
anita
July 24, 2019 at 12:45 pm #304743Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, and as I wrote you the list above, I was thinking about how it was a journaling exercise. Cumulative, so in a few months time, or whenever it may be â we can reflect back and see if there are any changes to who SCC is and add on. As I am sure in the process of relinquishing SCC, I will learn a lot more about who she truly is..
July 24, 2019 at 12:51 pm #304745AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Excellent plan. And âin the process of relinquishing SCCâ, you (and I) will learn a lot more about your true, authentic nature. I already know that wagging-of-the-tail, the calling of the wild nature is part of who you truly are, excitement for life without the anxiety attached to it.
anita
July 25, 2019 at 4:23 am #304825Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Good morning. I am glad you already know that. As you will be able to remind me when I feel that is too distant, far too far.
The universe has had my back recently. I had that day off earlier which was great timing. And yesterday after work I was able to attend one of the best yoga classes ever.
Here it is. A yoga studio with glass windows and sun shining in. Right in the center of Soho â the buzz of the city around us, but tranquil inside. I hardly frequent locations like this as it feels like a luxury/doesnât fit into my schedule. But yesterday was perfect.
Before the class started I looked outside. Part of Soho looks quite European, small cobblestone streets with boutiques and Cafes. The other part is very American, blaring lights and tons of construction. A jackhammer started for a few seconds. I immediately thought âhow do people relax downtown around here?â
Then the jackhammer stopped. It wasnât forever and it didnt ruin the relaxation of my class as I automatically assumed. The teacher walked in and she was incredible. Her voice and mannerisms were instantly comforting- I knew I was in good hands. I knew I would leave feeling spent, relaxed, and regenerated. The class was full of all walks of NYC life which I also enjoyed.
I smiled and breathed in what it means to live in this city. Finally. The last time I lived in NY I was a resident with crazy hour and a low salary. I didnât immerse in the city of course.
There is nothing like summers here, the energy buzzing, it is palpable. I am grateful to be apart of it. Whether it is walks with my dog to Central Park like that Friday. Or a true âNYâ moment â yoga in a glass enveloped studio â and everything in between.
It reminded me to pause. We may end up here long term, perhaps not. But in that moment I was- will I say it? Lucky.
Yes Iâll say it here without guilt or worry. Yes, very few people can live a few blocks from Central Park. Have an easy commute to work. Be able to be entirely carefree. Have 3 wonderful grocery stores 1 block away, 2 incredible park, and if interested â amazing arts like the Met a few mins away.
I have the liberty to have a decent schedule, I can jump into a workout class in Soho and enjoy it. I can eat any cuisine of the world within 15 mins.
And I can also do nothing at all. Enjoy that I am within this city â but not enmeshed in it.
That is adulthood. That is maturity. If nothing more I appreciate this summer here in NYC. I have a feeling it is quite special. Maybe because I wonât experience them forever. Or maybe because while in the frenzy of this city, I am finally learning to be less frenzied myself.
July 25, 2019 at 6:12 am #304833AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
âThen the jackhammer stopped. It wasnât forever and it didnât ruin the relaxation of my class as I automatically assumedâ- when you were momentarily relaxed as a child, your mother in her on and on and on talk (jackhammer) ruined your relaxation, so you expected that to happen then, your momentary relaxation ruined⊠until it was no use to rest in relaxation, too fleeting, likely to be disrupted anytime.
âThe teacher walked in and she was incredible. Her voice and mannerisms were instantly comforting- I knew I was in good hands. I knew I would leave feeling spent, relaxed and regeneratedâ- this is what you needed your mother to be, but she wasnât. She was a jackhammer, so to speak, so you knew that you⊠werenât in good hands.
Fast forward- you can adopt instantly comforting voice and mannerisms at home, with your husband. That is the best you can do for him, he too will be able to relax and regeneate, and it will be part of the mission of bringing about Calm Cali Chica.
âwhile in the frenzy of this city, I am finally learning to be less frenzied myselfâ- you were able to enjoy and appreciate nyc because you were calm enough. But the frenzied people you and your sister were on your travels, couldnât enjoy, a stolen moment here and there, maybe. But then the jackhammer starts again.
âCalm is everythingâ you wrote yesterday, in bold letters.
anita
- OVER-engaging
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