I wanted to add something I am observing at work today.  There is a tech that works with us in the room almost daily.  He is extremely nice and hard working.  He is very talkative and friendly.

I have been noticing for some time that he will always find something to talk about, and joke about. Often an endearing quality.  I then found myself often being irritated by this quality over the last few weeks.  Feeling that anytime I was caught with a free moment he would ask me a question.  Always in the kindest way of course, such as “oh how was your weekend” or “oh how did X thing go.”

I saw it today.  He is someone who truly has trouble staying silent.  I noticed this quality in SCC often.  Needing to fill the silences, the gaps.  Always entertaining, always bringing something up.

And I thought – that is insane!

How ridiculous, it sounds insane – it is insane.

Blab blab blab – such nonsense! Talking just to talk, bringing up random topics, never allowing a moment of peace!

I surely don’t want to be this way.

SCC needs to go – she truly does.

Dear Anita,

I like the idea of the ceremony for her departure, it will be very special – for the both of us.

As far as the second part, my sister in fact would be great at describing this.  She would mention this very early on during our vacations, something that I only started seeing later on and recently.  An example would be she would ask me to explain to her the surroundings and what we were doing, so that she could feel she was enjoying.  As in, she would have trouble actually enjoying in the moment, so would want a reference.  Such as, okay little sister we are here swimming in this beautiful ocean having a wonderful time.  I didn’t recall then why or what not.  Looking back it was like this:

My mother would make a huge deal about this vacation we were going on – go on and on how she planned it and how it will be amazing.  Then for literally weeks before the trip she will incessantly talk about it, and even talk about packing (no matter how big or small the trip) when we were younger.  Then when finally say a few weekends before the trip arrive, she is going manic about packing! Making it extremely stressful and terrible.  Lets say at this time I wanted to hang out with a friend, she would scold me and say! We have to pack!

So then I would stay home to pack and get my things out, but she would repack all of our suitcases the “neat and right” way.

Then lets say we are at the airport.  My father has a horrible temper about the service we are receiving (I mean no one likes the airport right) – and my mother is complaining about this and that.  In between she is exclaiming how much fun we will have.  My sister and I when we were younger would be in our own world playing, but of course absorbing this.

Then we arrive, we are immediately thrilled my sister and I. Beautiful landscapes, amazing pool, perfect weather oh my!

But see – see all that was there prior! So how could a kid just simply jump in to enjoy?! i see it now.

And during the trip it wouldn’t stop of course.  Incessant talking about others.  Oh look at that family they are rich enough to bring a nanny with them.  Look at these American people never doing anything on their own, always getting help.  Oh the food here is so good but how overly expensive! Oh look at that other Indian family and how horrible they are dressed – jeez it makes our people look bad!

And of course – lets not forget – the worst of all – TDW example, oh look over there that group of 14, how fun that is.  Too bad our own family can’t cooperate like this.

So anyway all of this is there. And then as I got older I would feel a pressure to enjoy, when innately I likely didn’t feel relaxed.

For example my sister and I were at Atlantis while I was in my 20s and my sister was say 18 or so.  It is a beautiful resort in the Bahamas.  It is geared for families, and especially young children, but all ages can enjoy it.  Anyway, there is a world renowned water slide there. My sister and I had a blast – and then the pressure (didn’t realize it then)

My mother continued to say oh how amazing that slide is! You girls don’t want to go again?! If lets say we were relaxing for a moment.

My sister and I discussed this a few weeks ago.  She recalls feeling stressed not “enjoying Atlantis enough” – and we talked about how we had the pressure to enjoy a water park as though we were 8 years old.  Sure our mother brought us there, but its that underlying pressure to make sure she knew how much we were enjoying that encompassed the whole thing.

As though she wanted to jump out of her adult body and be on that slide instead

Dear Anita,

I will add on to your last statement – so troubled in her own brain she can’t see the ocean.  Well I could “see” it, but I too wasn’t relaxed.

Here it is a frenzy of mania, starting with the mother – passed down daughter to daughter.

Yes, above all, children need calm parents.

Calm is everything 

What do you think we shall do to bid SCC a farewell? Perhaps a bit too early? Wouldn’t want to over-step SCC’s exit.  But then again, it is up to me, isn’t it? To say it is time for you to go now…

Dear Anita,

I will define SCC (here is a start at least)

1. OVER-engaging
   1. this goes beyond Friendly, to over-involved and consumed.  Not knowing when to “walk” away and go back to one’s self.  SCC gets immersed and engrossed in the other person’s conversation
2. Angry
   1. This may sound strange but SCC is angry.  Why? Because she has to be super of course! Deep rooted anger comes from the need to be super. ALWAYS. Not better and superior, but SUPER.  Super in the sense of always achieving one’s own sense of as good as possible.
3. Impulsive/Impatient
   1. SCC is always in a fury or frenzy.  She wants the results yesterday, she wants the decision tomorrow.  She has very little patience, and therefore can be impulsive.  She does not realize always that the world does not run on her “super” schedule – nor would it be healthy for it to.  Patience that all will be well, and in time – is key.
4. Faith (less)
   1. Overall, SCC lacks faith that things will work out just fine. She feels the need to “make them fine.” Sure in some ways that can be beneficial.  Efforts can succeed. But when it comes to important things in life – calm is key.  Patience and calm.
5.  Feeling the need to share
   1. SCC Notoriously does not enjoy something unless it is shared with others.  It is not bragging, it is sharing and allowing others to engage and enjoy the experience.  She thus dilutes it for herself most of the time, or is so caught up in explaining to others, she misses the joyful moment of her own

There’s a start..

Dear Anita,

Got it.

I will reflect, do this the best I can so far today (and of course this is just a start), and circle back later.

Dear Anita,

Yes, and as I wrote you the list above, I was thinking about how it was a journaling exercise.  Cumulative, so in a few months time, or whenever it may be – we can reflect back and see if there are any changes to who SCC is and add on.  As I am sure in the process of relinquishing SCC, I will learn a lot more about who she truly is..

Dear Anita,

Good morning. I am glad you already know that. As you will be able to remind me when I feel that is too distant, far too far.

The universe has had my back recently. I had that day off earlier which was great timing. And yesterday after work I was able to attend one of the best yoga classes ever.

Here it is. A yoga studio with glass windows and sun shining in. Right in the center of Soho – the buzz of the city around us, but tranquil inside. I hardly frequent locations like this as it feels like a luxury/doesn’t fit into my schedule. But yesterday was perfect.

Before the class started I looked outside. Part of Soho looks quite European, small cobblestone streets with boutiques and Cafes. The other part is very American, blaring lights and tons of construction. A jackhammer started for a few seconds. I immediately thought “how do people relax downtown around here?”

Then the jackhammer stopped. It wasn’t forever and it didnt ruin the relaxation of my class as I automatically assumed. The teacher walked in and she was incredible. Her voice and mannerisms were instantly comforting- I knew I was in good hands. I knew I would leave feeling spent, relaxed, and regenerated. The class was full of all walks of NYC life which I also enjoyed.

I smiled and breathed in what it means to live in this city. Finally. The last time I lived in NY I was a resident with crazy hour and a low salary. I didn’t immerse in the city of course.

There is nothing like summers here, the energy buzzing, it is palpable. I am grateful to be apart of it. Whether it is walks with my dog to Central Park like that Friday. Or a true “NY” moment – yoga in a glass enveloped studio – and everything in between.

It reminded me to pause. We may end up here long term, perhaps not. But in that moment I was- will I say it? Lucky.

Yes I’ll say it here without guilt or worry. Yes, very few people can live a few blocks from Central Park. Have an easy commute to work. Be able to be entirely carefree. Have 3 wonderful grocery stores 1 block away, 2 incredible park, and if interested – amazing arts like the Met a few mins away.

I have the liberty to have a decent schedule, I can jump into a workout class in Soho and enjoy it. I can eat any cuisine of the world within 15 mins.

And I can also do nothing at all. Enjoy that I am within this city – but not enmeshed in it.

That is adulthood. That is maturity. If nothing more I appreciate this summer here in NYC. I have a feeling it is quite special. Maybe because I won’t experience them forever. Or maybe because while in the frenzy of this city, I am finally learning to be less frenzied myself.