Dear Anita,

good morning. What I am saying in regards to above is the following- my mother, like a child in many ways – had no coping skills.

If my father had to give her a vaccine, say a flu shot or something else that was routine – she would often pout and cry and make baby faces. She would whimper and say no no don’t hurt me. I recall once a story of her even running around the house to avoid it. The stories were jokes often growing up, but looking back it was very childlike behavior. It’s one thing to have a needle phobia it’s another thing to pout and cry and throw tantrums and make it personal. I am visualizing/commenting on this not just as a daughter right now but also as a healthcare provider. When a patient says to me, why are you doing this to me? This hurts so much. They make it personal – As though I am trying to hurt them, as though the other party isn’t trying their best to help them. It is difficult to explain. But it is a very childlike defense mechanism. When adult patients do this I often am very sympathetic because I understand that often fear leads to regression. With my mother it was different. My mother – as you know was always quick to blame and point the finger.

I know this is going away from our savior conversation. But I think that regardless of everything I know that I was never a savior and my mothers head or heart. No one was. It’s funny, and one where she was very religious, at times – in certain ways. She would often say things like well I know No one can help me at least I have my God. She talked about having a very specific relationship to God (one of our incarnations that she felt extremely close to). She talked about how Hey saw this card figure as a family member, someone who continually has helped her through her hardest times. My sister and I recall her speaking with so much vindictiveness- Spewing out us, looking at us with this evil lie saying well I know the two of you are never going to do anything to help me, at least I have my God!

In back this is almost comical it’s saying two young children, you are not going to help me but God will. How ridiculous! Children versus a God. Whether you believe in a God or Almighty being, what kind of comparison is this! I remember times when I was younger when things like this would make me feel sad, thinking my poor mother. I also remember growing up into adolescence and older – And seeing this as hysterical. But isn’t it interesting, that even though I began to see many of her, it says hysterical, I did not take away my role. As we talk about relinquishing that role of being the savior, in my own head was very difficult and was often subconscious. To this day isn’t it?

It is only now that I have begun to let go of SCC in many ways. Many of the occurrences over this past month, and our deep conversation of all of this has led to this progress.

I thought about what you were saying, about how your mother never had faith in you of being capable to help her. I could see how that was very hurtful, probably subconsciously at the very least, I can also see that pushing a young child or daughter to consistently try. Trying to push herself, then growing very resentful early on.

It is interesting to me how all of our mothers that have the similar backgrounds are very similar you’re very different. If you put them side-by-side, none of them would feel like they related to the other. They would probably Scoff at it. But they’re abusiveness towards us had a similar pattern. It was understanding this early on about two years ago that really helped me realize the reality of my mother. That no matter what the façade, the way the person looks, their social economic status, they’re outward ways – deep down they have similar patterns. It is uncanny often.

The Reason I brought up the heat waveIs because of this. At work many of us were discussing casually what people do during a heatwave. We were joking that if we went to the beach that we would all melt. In addition, it’s not common to have outdoor pools in New York City like many other parts of the country. I thought about how growing up swimming was a huge part of my summer activities and it was very pleasant. Brought me back to those summers, and the pressure. The thought of, oh goodness, my mother and father spent so much time and energy trying to build this pool for us, we better use it. Feeling very guilty all the time. Feeling the need to invite people over my house to the pool instead of going to elsewhere often.  The idea of swimming often comes back from this. When I was on my London location, one of the cousins mentioned  that when she is settled she would love to have a nice backyard with a pool and asked me. I immediately interjected: not me, a pool is so hard to maintain. She said yeah I guess so, I’m not really sure I never grew up with one.  I realize that yes given that our summers are quite short, it is a lot of maintenance, but in reality my answer was obviously coming from the guilt and pressure that I had in the past.  My mother made it such a big deal, any sort of house maintenance that they had to do. Although they chose to live in a big house, with all of these frills. It’s Not like my sister and I said let’s go live in a huge house with a big pool and we won’t settle for less!

Another thing, growing up my mother would often be on the phone a lot. I’ve been to one of her sisters. Yes the sisters that that many times in her life would never talk to her or treat her poorly. I recall countless times of walking in and hearing conversations like, “ yes no matter what we do our children never appreciate us, look at how much work we put into things but they are always ungrateful.”

I was often a joking point Between us cousins, I’ll look at our parents always saying things like this about us, we would laugh it off. We had a lot of humor in those days, seeing our parents is ridiculous often and funny. Like many younger people do.

I recall walking into a certain conversation like this when I was older, say 20s. I’m feeling much more angered by it. Sometimes a conversation may be like: well after all we did to raise these children right, what else can we do. I would want to scream, what the heck are you talking about!

Anyway – I know I’m digressing some. The most important aspect of all of this is how it affects me now. What about all of this affects me on a day-to-day basis, affects my neural pathways and keeps me stuck. Causes me suffering? Well first of all, what we have discussed so much this month, the outwardness, the socialness. The guilt and addiction to this.

I have observe myself after the returning from London. I have had a handful of messages asking me if I am back. Let’s say five. Three of them I did not reply to it. They were not urgent it was people looking to make plans for entertainment. One of the people is looking for entertainment because I know that she is “free these days, I know very well that if her life circumstance is different right now she wouldn’t necessarily be reaching out. As is life. The other two were probably looking for a chat. I did reply to one of them who is a close friend that recently moved to Florida, I have mentioned him before. I told him a little bit about the London wedding and ask him how Florida was, and that was it. It was nice to hear from him and there was nothing more.

It’s the aspects of all of this that feel extremely consuming that are detrimental. I Did judge myself before of course, andOne conversation with you believe it or not was quite cover it all. About that wedding, and believe me I won’t bring it up again as it will give you a headache. It give me a step back, obligation or not, why should I especially in the state of my life, sign up for any more ridiculousness! Really, life can be that simple.

But above and beyond the most important thing that I have learned this month is the inner circle. Thank you for teaching me about this Anita. Would like to write here a little bit about it to refresh myself. I do believe a concept like this requires consistent refreshment and re-calibration.

We spoke about S,  if I had attendedEngagement party I would be outside, her inner circle would be herself and fiancé. I have made it a point in my life to be on the sidelines, the outer circle in peoples lives. Neglecting my own inner circle myself and husband. Or simply myself first and foremost before anyone. I didn’t seem like this to me for many years, friendship was such an important aspect of my life, it felt like it was inner circle. Which brings us to our next point the concept of changing priorities from teenage to adult. As I said, my husband and I have had somewhat of a delayed adulthood given all of our training. Many of our friends who went through all of the years like us have similar stories. Unlike them, we often suffered with this given that we never gained the “selfishness”’or self focus to put ourselves first. With the combination of changing priorities from teenage to adulthood, and the inner circle. There is maturity.

My mother never ever taught me what maturity of us. My mother never actually really talked about the concept of growing into an adult and becoming mature. Of course, she would love to use jabs. Like that comment that we bring up so often, about how I have been crying since I was born. Always making comments of just because I am a grown-up now, say 20s and in medical school doesn’t even mean that I am close to mature. In fact my father would often say with these big guys and harsh voice, don’t think that you are doing so great- Just because you are achieving all of this in your career, if you don’t have common sense and continue to be messy or frenzied at home – you don’t achieve anything. Or better put, you Can go on at achieve anything in your life as far as a career goals, but if you continue to be like this in the home you are nothing (in regards to my absent mindedness).

I recall one time driving home from somewhere, probably 20s or so. I had the music on loud, I pulled into our driveway. My father open the garage door. Instead of saying hello he said this. Why is your music on so loud? OK, not an uncommon question from a father to a daughter. But I want something like this: “You know that people thatHave to listen to music this that are suffering inside. They have mental issues. They can’t even listen to their own thoughts.”

And Anita, he wasn’t saying this in a concerned way. As in what is going on my dear child why are you listening to music like this are you suffering? He was saying it mockingly. As in, Oh look at you how pathetic you need to have your music on so loud because you can’t even listen to your own thoughts. How weak and troubled you are.

I think about this time to time when I put on my music/headphones on the subway. Not because I judge myself for music at all, but because I truly appreciate the solace that many of us find in music, especially when the environment around us is extremely frenzied. Music offers some respite. I laugh at how ridiculous and juvenile he was even though he was a physician. Not understanding the first thing about coping with any sort of anxiety or mental health.

What’s more is that it is not uncommon for teenagers to listen to extremely loud music, I mean half of the songs that are out there right now our pop music made by young people that are expression emotions, the woes of love, growing pains. My Sister and I talk about how our parents never let us grow. The either wanted us to be in a childlike state, or to be for mature adults. They never understood the concept of growing pains of growth in between.  We of course attributed this to The generation gap, and the cultural disparity.  It’s not like I was going to go home and talk to my mom about a crush at school, immigrant parents it was different. But that’s a fine scenario for maybe so much of America.

Ours was different – it was judging and mocking as above. What a comment right?

I also think about how all my own father dealt with so much anxiety and lack of coping, but he was deflecting his issues on to me. I still remember exactly how he looked when he said this comment to me, standing in the garage opening the door looking so angry like he would explode. Like a crazy person (for lack of a better term) talking out loud to them self.

Years later, especially when all of the wedding drama ensued. He would say things like you don’t even respect your own father. I would often say if you acted like an adult perhaps I would.  It would go one of two ways. It would lead him or my mother to be enraged and say oh goodness look at what kind of daughter this is what did we deserve in this life to deserve this sort of treatment. OR I would lead to the mellow drama, oh please forgive us our dear daughter, please forgive anything that we have done to hurt you. We love you and do you know that no one else cares about you like we do.

A sort of begging and desperation on the hands and knees type. The type where my mother would have told my father, let’s play nice with her so we don’t lose her we need her.

Towards the end I would laugh to myself, you think I’m that stupid that I’m going to fall for your drama, you better have gone to a better acting school. But – unlike now – I was not disconnected from emotion then and observing – it was of course extremely stressful and triggering.

oh wow – there’s always so much. how exhausting isn’t it,  Beyond anything else first and foremost how incredibly exhausting these people are

Dear Anita,

Good morning! I am not very focused this morning, I think it was rushing to work in the heat that got me. I will definitely sink in and hydrate.

I woke up with this thought:

I can enjoy, if I let myself.

the thought expanded: I can ____, if I let myself

It could be: relax, enjoy, feel, it could be anything.

To go back to your post:

Do you see how important, how Super you used to believe that you are to her? So important that she would be suffering deep despair, hysteria and psychosis if you cut contact with her.

I do. I thought about this a lot this weekend.  A scorching hot weekend where everyone was indoors.  It reminded me of how my mother would have been over whelmed with the prospect of staying indoors all weekend, and “finding activities” for us.  I notice how this was projected onto my sister and I – Us believing we always need entertainment, us believing we always need this or that.

Us (I) believing so many things about myself that are untrue.  How many years have I looked up to/put on a pedestal people who are able to be inner and centered.

It is pretty simple – to know that pretty much everything my mother said was false! Including the savior role, from which the SCC role was born.

I have a much better relationship with my sister than a few months ago – but I still notice that if there was once place that SCC exists regularly it is in that relationship.

This time around I can’t blame my sister for doing anything to trigger me, it is that I tend to jump into entertaining, trying, doing CC when I am around her.  It is difficult for me to relax, and I notice I subconsciously feel the need to make sure she is always having a good time.  We have talked about it plenty – and of course the root is all the years when my sister was lonely and didn’t have many friends -feeling the need to show my sister a good time.

She is now an adult, with a great career, and a good set of friends.  She is just fine.

I know it is the old neuropathways being re-activated around her, and I know it hasn’t been so long where my interaction with her was this way.  In fact when moving here to NYC as you know my greatest distress was her – and feeling the need to settle her in even before ourselves. Still feeling at times perhaps the pressure to make sure I spend time with her regularly.  I know it is a self induced obligation.  I do enjoy my time with her, and with both of our dogs – but realize it doesn’t have to be so regular.

I read this article about marriage.  Now I know much of the literature out there on marriage, where is Christian marriage literature, psychological literature, self help literature – focuses on a few tenets.  Compromise, love, respect, etc.

Yet this article I came across was quite specific.  It cited everything that takes away from your focus on your marriage as an “intruder”  — if I read this article just 6 months ago I would have thought the term harsh.  But it resonated with me perfectly

An intruder can be anything, good or bad.  It doesn’t necessarily need to be negative – its simply anyone/thing that takes away from your full focus on marriage

1) work

2) family members

3) friends

4) events

I put this this way as it helps me itemize.  I think about for my husband and I, perhaps more than any couple I know – this is so relevant! It is not to say we need to delete everything from our life – but be COGNIZANT that we have many things working AGAINST us.  So to feel centered together is ACTIVE – if we passively let all the “intruders” go in and out – we will be left spent, without much of a connection.

1) work – work is work.  As said last week – at least my job is not as grueling and emotionally taxing as my husband’s.  But we are in the process of looking at new opportunities for him.  We are open to relocating out west as well, perhaps to Texas or Colorado (in a major city) as healthcare is often less toxic away from the Northeast. More on that as it progresses

2) Family members.  Well the most toxic one of all is now gone.  But the article pointed out that even well meaning individuals such as parents can be “intruders”  I see what it meant.  For example, we just came back from our london weekend, which took a lot out of me emotionally given the way it ended with the cousin (as you know).  Let’s say (not real) that my in laws invited us over this weekend.  I would have wanted to say oh okay maybe – but in reality it would not be what we NEEDED.  It is about what you need at the time to recover and regenerate.  Luckily my in laws are never pushy, and entirely understanding.  Yet this is a learning point more for me than anyone.  That it is okay to do nothing, it is okay to say no, even the kindest most well meaning people.  I will say I am grateful that my in laws have not caused me any pressure.

Family cont’d: my sister.  My sister has been helpful in the time we were away, she watched my dog.  She hasn’t been “needy” or asking too much of me.  She has her own life in her 20s with her friends and social activities.  Yet, I feel as above a mild pressure.  Not as much as before at all – but mild in the sense that if the weekend rolls around and we are free and not full of plans, and she asks me what I am doing, I feel the need to involve her or see her.  Such as “oh meet us at the park” or oh we are heading to lunch maybe come meet us after. etc.  Not because she asks – but its this feeling I sense.  Maybe I sense that loneliness in her still even if it is not overt, feeling the need to jump in as SCC and entertain her.  Maybe it is simply a matter of time that I can relinquish it.  All in all, this learning exercise teaches me that inner circle yes, does include my sister in the sense of my close knit people – but SHOULD NOT when it comes to my marriage.

Inner circle is truly only my husband and I (oh and our sweet dog)

3) events – self explanatory we have been talking about this for a while, the necessary and the unnecessary, the weddings etc – picking and choosing and doing only what is needed, never sacrificing my own sanity (or try to maintain it best I can)

Dear Anita,

Good morning. Wonderful point that is new to me, I was racing to be overwhelmed first, as to take away this feeling from my mother.  Oh how many examples come to my mind now that you put it that way!

Your Social Super CC role was born out of your need to prevent your mother from getting distressed and overwhelmed by becoming distressed and overwhelmed yourself and doing what is needed to prevent that from happening to her

yes, and so now even though mother isn’t around, she is lurking in the shadows, the mother voice. “over-attending” to my sister even when not asked for still comes as that practice pattern.  Let’s make sure she is fine, extra fine, so that mother doesnt worry.

i know that will take practice.  I also know that I have had enough challenges in July thus far, starting from the horrific wife coming over, to the London cousin event.  I have had my work cut out for me thus far in July in regards to outer people and inner circle.

How often we take away from our own ability to do something by repeatedly self-sabotaging.  I won’t blame myself entirely, as my entire distress and “overwhelmingness” comes from my mother feeling this way – and then I taking on that role.

I have done a good job of keeping distance since I’ve returned from my trip.  Not attending to others.  My sister’s example came to mind this weekend when I spent a few hours with her.

My husband mentioned the following day, that he notices progress in my sister – but still finds that he doesn’t like the person I “turn into” around her – like a master entertainer who can’t sit still and relax.

I took it to heart this time, seeing to it that all of July has given me many examples of triggers..