Dear Anita,

The turning point keeps happening!

Just like you said a few weeks ago: That I’ve made it around the bend.

Well now, I made it around the bend, and continue to weave in and out of the next turns.  Progress – true progress!

I feel it, I feel the shift, and most importantly: the calmness and centeredness – if thats a word

You know what else? And I have a feeling that you do:

Our spouses pick up on our energy tremendously, especially if you have an attentive, intuitive spouse.

I noticed how quickly my spouse was able to go from distressed to calm, because I carried calm into the home.

How quickly he was to go from feeling stressed, to more relaxed, to want to talk to me freely – and have a release himself. Have you had similar experiences?

This stuff really works doesn’t it?

Dear Anita,

This gave me tears.  Softness and tenderness for your reply.

I feel it, and how recently I felt that it was difficult for me to even have a glimpse of true emotion.  How frustrated I was.

The glimpse is here.

Yes, as we say: herein lies the real work.

Benefit him and you benefit yourself

I see what you mean by this now, finally.  Yes, I do.

Dear Anita,

I have reflected on what we have spoken about over the last two days plenty. One thing came to my mind this morning, it’s about maturity. My mother never differentiated the meaning of immature versus mature. Of course I did not expect her to out right we explain the definition of both or give examples. But most importantly, she never ever gave my sister and I are true example of what maturity is. Of course! She was stuck in a childlike state throwing tantrums here in there when anything didn’t go under her own power.

This other strange but interesting thought this morning after I woke up. I thought about how I am constantly seeking out word, often seeking individuals who are not important to me because in essence I am seeking my mother’s love. I thought, I wonder if my own mother was seeking her mothers love is well. Her mother was troubled, not very involved in raising her given that she had five older siblings, struggled with mental health her whole life, in an out of treatment. Not to say that it matters, and not to say that it really even change is what I am going to now, but an interesting thought none the less.

I was on the subway this morning after these thoughts, headed to work. On the subway there was a young mom, with four children. She was very unkempt and look like an individual, and I apologize if I am being judge mental, but very overwhelmed with children and perhaps not at the emotional mature state to have them. Her youngest child was in a stroller, and the second youngest looked about two years old. A beautiful young boy with curly hair, bouncy curls that you just want to touch. Every time to Subway would make a complete stop, he would be fungal over the seat and fall on the floor. The mother would glance at her phone for a second, and go back to what she was doing on her phone. Each and every time the child would try to crawl back into his mother’s lap crying, looking at her eyes for some sympathy. He wouldn’t receive it. I would notice his face go from a sad frown, to quickly a happy smile as he would start kissing his mom again. He would giggle, and she would kiss him back and then they would play for a few minutes. Then again, the same scenario long down, this time almost hitting his head. Rising back up.

I have course was at first very disturbed by the situation, this poor child, but I also saw that he was so happy. The point of the story is that this child was capable of being so happy no matter what, it’s natural state was not to hate his natural state was to love. His natural state was to love his mother above all, no matter what, no matter what was happening to him.

I looked at this child and his smiling face, kissing his mom all over her face, so happy to be near her. And I thought about how much it takes to traumatize a child, this child, similar to my sweet little dog, has happiness and affection and sweetness as a baseline state, to take that away from a child must take so much hatred. Our mothers are filled with so much evil and hatred and animosity that they would take such a sweet young child and turn them into a negative creature. And it also reminded me about exercise,All the trauma that I have gone through has started much earlier than I recall. Our exercises help me think about that. And observing children has helped me think about that. The only job for a mother is to be attentive and to give love. I am not saying that this is an easy job or a simple one. But first in for most mother needs to give love to a child. If she is unable to do that, she has no business being a mother. I am not judging the mother on the subway saying she’s not giving him love, I am strictly talking about my mother, and perhaps yours. Saying that the most primitive state their job is to provide us love, and they failed at that, the result of this is exactly what we go through each and every day. And what we talked about on here.

Dear Anita,

I like how you point out the concept of this overgrown girl.  I notice this mother in the subway yesterday, seemingly an overgrown girl herself.  Looking at videos on her phone laughing out loud without shame, not noticing her child flip back and forth, almost hurting his head severely.  In her own little world.

I think about how I was tricked for so long because my mother was SOOO attentive.  Exact opposite of the scenario above.  Yet, it doesn’t make her any less toxic – and it does NOT make her loving.  This is the key thing I have learned over the past year.

It is easy to be tricked into thinking people are “loving” genuinely.  But it is often a front, that innocent people buy into.

I am not saying this to be vindictive or negative – but more realistic.

See I was tricked by my mothers concern and attentiveness.  Her interest, her everything.  Tricked in the sense that it was all an illusion feigning as love. I notice how I went to others wanting this love, probably knowing deep down inside I wasn’t fulfilled or satisfied.

Always looking , always searching.  Mother let me bring you a flower, oh no you don’t like it? How about this? How about this friend, how about that one? Okay, how about this achievement?

How about this future husband?

Oh still not happy —hmmm I am starting to not feel so great – I am defeated. sigh

I am still trying though for mother, how could I not- I must – I must I felt.

There has to be a way – oh there has to be.

And the reality:

There isn’t.  Some things you just have to accept.  And then you move forward and adjust your life.

Dear Anita,

Your mother didn’t believe you as someone capable of helping her, so essentially she used you as a punching bag.  One, because of her “anger and annoyance” at feeling you are incapable (a delusion) and two, because of her internal distress and insecurity.

She likely not only used you as a punching bag to deflect her own issues and anxieties, but also the “issue” she had with having a daughter who was “not good enough or capable” enough for her.

My sister and I have had this two fold treatment.  Often unpredictable – esp for me given that I was her “savior” in one second and kicked to the curb as “incapable” the next.

Seeing now, that it was all the same.  You  can not satiate an insatiable being with no concept of reality.

Dear Anita,

I know that the savior role was not a trick of my mind, as I recall seeing my mother in the most raw and vulnerable moments truly asking for help.  Help me, save me, you can do it, you’re my daughter – I have faith in you.

I also know that my non-savior role/not being good enough was not a trick of my mind.

I see it as a childish immature person.  When they are hungry they scream out IM HUNGRY. throwing fists on the floor, a tantrum.

you give them broccoli, then something else, they throw it at you.  you say I thought you were hungry? they say NO I AM NOT HUNGRY!!

they often don’t know what they want, they just know they are distressed, screaming out for help – but unable to gauge what will truly help – like a child – relying on the adult being for comfort, satiation, and honestly – everything.