Dear Anita,

I do trust you Anita.  I do.

Dear Anita,

Time for you to stop trying, to stop chasing your mother’s love

In fact it is not strange to read this? On the 6 hour flight back yesterday I thought about fun friendly bubbly CC and how she is seeking.  Seeking, trying, even if it is innate now – innate is based on the role and aim.

I bring people to (me/her) to earn her love.  To say look how chummy I am with this person, look how close we are, look how much fun we have.

Yes, it is time to stop.  It is time.  It has been time.

When I stop, I can better attend to myself, and husband.

I know all the events in July thus far all point to this.

Dear Anita,

Sorry to change the subject to an abrupt twist. But I can’t focus on anything else. I was just asked by one of my directors if I am OK for a meeting tomorrow after work for half an hour. I am mediately assumed it had to do with the mean lady Dr. because I’m working with her all day tomorrow. I said sure, why. I am very friendly with this person and we talk openly.

You mentioned to me that the mean lady doctor had a few issues and complaints about me and so he thought it would be a good idea for all of us to discuss given that he knows I have had issues with her.

I felt instantly triggered just like I did yesterday, weak and shaky.

Talk to him openly and so I explain my whole side, how I had an entire email written to explain all of the points in which she was just respectful and bullying to me. That a 30 minute meeting will not do anything that she is someone who has no insight and disrespect and manipulates people and she feels uneasy. I explained to him that I don’t have any tolerance for this sort of abuse at work whether it be one time a week or more. In essence, my approach to her will be to be quiet, and not engage, but if there is any patient issue of course. Also mentioned to him that if I was to work with her a few times a week and this sort of disrespect continued, I would have to look for another position

He does understand all of this and is open to my side, however does feel the need to have this meeting tomorrow given his role.

Oh Anita. I don’t have anything left.

Yes Anita. You have my back and want to protect my spirit. Oh I need to. I will crumble if I have one more trigger  I simply Can not take it

I’m going to continue to speak to the director as he asked me to send him an email of a few things. I will write more to you after that. If you are away from the computer or your walk, no worries. We will talk when you are free.

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for thinking about me this morning. I thought about you all day throughout this day.

So the day went well. It went well in the sense that I don’t think that this lady is any different than I did yesterday or the weeks prior, but it was pleasant and respectful and professionally distant.

I thought a lot about what we spoke about yesterday, in regards to the cousin, and her attack on me. I thought about how I have been triggered so much recently, often by other people that are doing the exact same in many other ways. The Idea that there is hardly anything left and if I get triggered one more time I will go over the edge.

And for the first time in a very long time I discuss this with my husband. Not in a complaining way, or an attacking way. But a true discussion, like between two best friends or colleagues, respectful. It reminded me how I was taught to be courteous and a great listener to everyone else but my own spouse.

You mentioned a week ago or so, how I often looked at other people who are not deserving of love and respect, as valuable, because I was searching for my mother’s love. You wrote, why not utilize the person in front of me, my loving and supportive spouse. The concept of if I am truly searching for that love and support in guidance, who better than my own spouse! But like you said, I was too wrapped up in the mother voice, to learn how to respect him and put him down, and not value him. Of course learning from the best mother (eye roll)

Yesterday, after I received that message from my director about the meeting, and spoke to you, I discuss this with my husband. I was first very triggered, angry. Saying  I don’t need to deal with this sort of thing I can easily quit. Which is absolutely true. But my husband and I started talking about the deeper context. The instant impulsive reactions. My reactions. My way of dealing with triggers. I told him about our conversation about the line between fear and escape, the frenzy. He mentioned to me that for all the years he has known me, I can be very impulsive, if I get an email that I don’t like I will immediately send a reply back. If I got a text matches that is triggering, I will immediately send  a paragraph back. He mentions, look back in your life and tell me how many times this is actually helped you? I thought. I didn’t react and respond – I just thought. And – He was right, getting worked up and having the sort of instant but response has always been detrimental to me. It has not necessarily been detrimental to the other person, but it continues to cause self harm. And the name of the game now for me is to reduce self harm. In fact, I should call this forum not just self trust and more, but how To reduce self harm. How to protect CC

We talked about many things, not the idea of giving into others that are abusive, but the concept of reducing self harm. Sometimes being an aggressor and throwing up hands in the air and saying —I will get you back -actually ends up hurting me. I guess I have been raised that if I am treated poorly I must fight back, not tomorrow not the next day but now immediately. I look back at my life and see how many situations could have been tempered if I was able to sit with myself for just a little longer. Now writing all this makes me sound like an impulsive volatile person. That’s not necessarily the case. But the point of my anecdotes is that I never truly sit with myself first And foremost

I decided this approach today, I told myself, that I do have options that if and when in the future I do feel like I’m being disrespected far too much, I can of course leave this job. But in the meantime the benefits of this job at way the negative. I work with this lady only about 1 to 2 times per week, my hours are good considering New York City and medicine. And besides her all of the other people I work with are extremely pleasant, More than any other place I have ever worked. But besides all of this, here is the most important thing: I have so much work on my plate right now, the work of healing. If I uproot myself and make it a point to also change my career, perhaps I will be distracted from my healing work. In the sense that over the next few months I am truly craving quiet, peace, and self-care. And I have started doing a great job of that. The Last thing I need is to add something new to my plate. I should take advantage of the fact that I have a relatively flexible job in regards to attending to my personal life (Being able to go to the gym, spend some time outside with the dog, or write to you, catch up on reading, socialize – when needed/wanted). I haven’t seen any of this as a benefit given that I have been so fixated on the negativity of this woman.

I told my director that I did not want to have the meeting tomorrow, I would like to postpone it to the following week if needed as this week was not good for me. He said okay. Went into work today with a calm attitude, calm and centered. The entire day was pleasant. We even share a few laughs. I didn’t go into it thinking that this person will now be my new best friend I just wanted to pass the 8 to 10 hours in the most pleasant way as possible for the whole team as well as the patients. I was successful in that. Perhaps I have learned something about how I can be disengaged and emotionally removed, yet friendly. This is not always an easy balance. Who’s to say – I won’t make too many judgments based on just one day. But at the end of the day my director came to me and said it looks like you both had a wonderful day. I said yes I agree and I think it will be just fine. I know that this person is unpredictable and I’m sure within the next few weeks at least, there will be another situation. I will tackle that when it arrives. For now I will try not to get too worked up about it- and take each day at time (for once)

And you know what Anita yesterday you said you know I will be OK, and to trust you. And I agree, I know I will be OK. As I am okay now.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I woke up today with a smile. Do you know what kind of smile this was? A smile that I thought that I am a thirtysomething-year-old person. A little bit of wisdom if you will. I have said for so long that I feel much younger than I am, I look younger maybe, sometimes act younger because I have a lot of fun/silliness, and given the treatment by my parents, often didn’t feel like a true adult.

I’ve noticed that a major struggle with in my marriage has been this. I didn’t pick up on the straightaway, thinking oh I’m not mature enough to be married. But our conversations have led to many thoughts for me, the difference between teenage priorities versus adult priorities. Given that my husband and I trained for so long – A little bit of delay… As well given that we were trainees/students we beyond our 20s.

I see that maturity doesn’t just come with age, comes with making decisions, setting priorities, and most important weeding things out. I look forward to our conversations further today.