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  • July 15, 2019 at 8:00 am #303343
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    oh I forgot to add the part about  – how in “her family” people watch what they say.  I had no right discussing her dating life in front of cousins almost 20 years younger than her.  How dare I ridicule her or make a mockery of her.  She goes on to say how she has true friends who want the best for her, and not say one thing and mean another.  I try at this time earlier in the conversation to reason with her to say – not sure why you feel this way etc.

    She then goes to the ridiculous comment of: oh well I don’t know why any of you would have anything but respect for the situation, its not like any of the commenting people could ever get a guy to do that for them

    (at this time I Realize wow – she is pretty much saying: who are you to make comments about me, do you know how amazing I am, do you think you could ever get a guy to do that for you)

    She also mentions comments such as: i am highly respected in this family, and I have always been spoken to in only a certain way.. etc

    July 15, 2019 at 8:02 am #303349
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Welcome back to the USA, good to read from you this morning!

    Your 36 single cousin shouldn’t have invited the guy who was just introduced to her to a family wedding with.. how many, a hundred people or more. She invited comments and jokes and whatnot when she did this silly thing of inviting him over. She told you that the family is “super conservative”- but it wasn’t conservative on her part to invite a man she just met (never mind he was introduced by a cousin, still, she just met him, a stranger) to a big family event. And then, when the joking started, she did not express disapproval of it.. so I suppose no  one knew she was offended. She confronted you on the matter, not the other cousins, and she took no responsibility for making the … unconservative mistake of inviting a man she just met to a  big, big family wedding.

    Maybe she picked you to express her retroactive disapproval because you volunteered to bring a borrowed item to her room so you were the one available. Maybe she was unhappy with the exchange with this man earlier, before departing to the hotel and that elevated her frustration, maybe it is.. the jealousy thing. You being engaging and charming, popular and married angered her.

    I don’t know if she is a narcissist, from this example alone. Or that she  lacks empathy. When she protected your husband/ her cousin years ago, in London, maybe she was empathetic to him. And she threw that party for your wedding, that was nice.

    Seems to me that she made a very silly mistake, to bring a strange man to the wedding, to not make the introduction to this man a very discreet matter, so she didn’t act like an elder cousin but like a young woman eager to get together with a man. Then at 2 am or so, maybe she is very tired, the meeting with the man didn’t go so well, uncomfortable about being 36 and single and in yet another celebrated wedding.. and she targeted you because you were there at her door at 2 am.

    anita

     

    July 15, 2019 at 8:07 am #303351
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * I just read your second post, after submitting the above, but it doesn’t change my thoughts at this point, reads like she was quite angry, too bad, to bother you with it, she shouldn’t have.

    anita

    July 15, 2019 at 8:20 am #303353
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your response.

    I will now start my response.

    I was so so incredibly triggered by this.  Triggered in a way I haven’t been in over a year.  It felt like this:

    stop, enough is enough.  I can’t take one more person taking out their own  uneasiness, and insecurities out on me.  I am absolutely sick of it.  I am a nice caring person and time and I am sick of this.

    When I discussed with my husband, he mentioned the jealousy thing.  He mentioned how deep down inside it sounds like she is very insecure, and felt uneasy – and so you were an easy target.  She is used to always being the center of attention smart beautiful one – so perhaps she feels threatened by you – another alpha female.  She may also be jealous that you are married and settled.

    I responded, yes but to you her own cousin.

    He went on to say how she has shown many signs of being crazy and delusional.

    I mean looking back at the whole wedding her comment were just a few:

    I haven’t worked out in 3 days, god I am going to lose my abs.

    A guy has to be extremely fit and physicially attractive for me to give him a chance, I keep up myself and I expect the same.  I am just not wowed easily

    I have everything to offer a man, so I am super picky, if I have everything, why shouldn’t I expect that all in return?

    It takes a lot for a guy to impress me, after all these years I am perfectly happy how I am and I have a lot to offer.

     

    Anyway, what she is or not is besides the point compared to how I felt.

    I cried for an hour, letting so much emotion out.  The next day on the plane I cried a lot too.  It wasn’t just about her – I felt the flood gates open.

    I felt:

    I can NOT TAKE ONE MORE person mistreating me.  I have been mistreated my entire life.  I can not simply take it, I will explode.  I need mental space.  I don’t expect this person to ever apologize as she is not a normal human – but how dare people treat me this way.  Over and over I am kind and extend myself (that is just who  Iam) and I refuse to be berated or put down anymore.  I REFUSE.

    Anita wanted me to feel –  Iwanted to feel.  I feel.  I feel wounded and sad and angry – all of it.  Enough with others.  ENOUGH!

    I feel sad, tired, and wounded. I feel as terrible as I did after returning from the India wedding trip with my parents.  Like I have been thrown down and walked over.

    I would have judged previously why such a dramatic way to feel from one incident with this person.  But I don’t.  I know that a lot has been pent up – and i simply have nothing left.  This person pushed me over the edge.  i know that I am allowed to feel this, and given the context of my OWN life it is this.  If this was said to someone else without my history maybe fine.  But that person is not me god d*** it and I can not take it.

    I am glad to feel this – maybe finally I’ll make a change.  Finally.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.
    July 15, 2019 at 8:49 am #303369
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Wherever we are in the world, our experience takes place in that short distance between our ears. In that short distance, within that small  organ, our brain, we re-experience our childhood. What you felt that night, what you felt  on the plane and now is the same as then, trapped in “wounded and sad and angry”.

    You didn’t have a choice, as a child, you were stuck with this woman, your mother. What a misfortune, no less than my misfortune being stuck with my mother. Stuck in what feels like eternity, as time feels eternal for a child trapped. As a child, you repress the distress of being trapped with a person like your mother best your brain is able, but you keep experiencing the same because these repressed emotions insist on being given the importance that belongs to them.

    You don’t want to be trapped anymore, in the same reality of your childhood, and so, you have to promise yourself that it will  not happen again, not in the reality of your adult life. When you feel trapped again- and you will- it will not be because you really are trapped. You will assert yourself with abusive people, your number one priority will be to protect yourself and make sure you are never trapped again. Nothing is more important.

    anita

    July 15, 2019 at 9:01 am #303375
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You said it perfectly.  I needed to hear this, in this condensed way of explaining to myself what I feel.  Thank you loads, as always.

    I felt anger, how dare this abusive person do this.  I want to assert myself.  I wrote an entire angry text to send her on the plane to get emotions out, knowing I wouldn’t send it.   And I wanted my husband to call her and say how dare you treat CC this way! I felt angry,  I even screamed at my husband.  Why did your cousin have the audacity to talk to me this way!! Don’t you want to go there and tell her she’s wrong! I can’t stand your mother saying how she’s so sweet and how it is bad luck she’s single.  No she is a monster.

    there we go, see how it led me to be so triggered that It led me to be negative or attacking on my husband.

    But then I also thought about people that are abusive, or have abusive qualities of projecting unto another, don’t have insight.  Many aspects of this woman (that I won’t get into more) show me she lacks true insight.  The deep kind.  The true kind.  Not being a fun friend or throwing a party.  Also empathy towards my husband – sure I valued that plenty and it was then that i started to build a true frienship with her – but she in incapable of seeing any flaw in her self or life.  She believes herself to be gods gift to the world.

    I thought what to do in this situation.  Removal.  Anita the answer is always removal.  Asserting yourself, sending emails, trying to asset yourself and telling the person how you feel and they are wrong.  It does not work when the other party is not insightful, and truly and honestly able to see and feel.

    I will see her at family events throughout the year always.  Not every month.  I know who she truly is.  I will now keep my distance.  It has been a them hasn’t it.

    Being friendly and kind, and BAM being thrown down.  mean lady at work lady did it.  This cousin did it.

    No more Anita. No more.

    I am working with the mean lady tomorrow for a long 10 hour day.  I have no energy left for these types.  Distance, removal, silence when needed.

    It is the only way.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Cali Chica.
    July 15, 2019 at 9:11 am #303379
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    I also felt anger  – that after a nice vacation and wedding, I was abused to yet another person taking away.

    Sure it is in my power how I react. It is within myself how much power and energy I give away.

    But here again, just like before being trapped with mother. Something great happens, or good or even neutral – but good feelings are taken away by triggering bad people.  Bad people (as young CC would say)

    I am sick and tired of it.  I can’t say I blame this person for making my vacation horrible, but I will say it ended on a terrible note. Yet, I know deep down inside, once again, the universe continues to show me signs and teach me lessons – until I learn them.  Until I am in tears and down and saying no more, no. no more.

    July 15, 2019 at 9:16 am #303383
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    one other thing,

    I know you said.  If I attack or abuse my husband one more time – that’s it.

    I did.  I can’t blame this person for triggering me to lash out onto my husband.  I am an adult and i have control.

    But I have this intense conviction inside.

    Before the trip, fourth of july situation with those people, triggering

    Email I sent to D, and her circumventing by involving her ex and then my husband, triggering

    This cousin, triggering

    People, outside people, triggering.

    No I can not go live in a whole.  But I am f*** sick and tired of others.  SO TIRED ANITA.

    To the point that I am okay with for the rest of the summer only speaking to my husband, you, my sister (and whatever people at work) outside of any events we have to go to.

    I know in my heart that if I do this – I will be better.  I know it.  It will be a good start.

    It is not an excuse for my behavior, but it is NEEDED.

    July 15, 2019 at 9:20 am #303387
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are welcome. This 36 year old cousin is similar to your mother in presenting herself as “gods gift to the world”, with the comments she made about her being fit and expecting a man who will be “extremely” fit and attractive for her to give him a chance. Similar to your mother complaining your father is not enough for her and presenting herself as .. how did you put it recently, god’s gift to men. So  she definitely activated your experience with your mother at  one point  or another.

    But she has not been as bad for you as your mother has been and neither is the woman at work. It feels similar or the same because of your well recorded experience with your mother over many years. But these women are not your mother. They are not as bad to you, not even close. And you are not trapped with them. You have to work  with this woman tomorrow for 10 hours, it is a long time, but you are not a child, you can assert yourself with her, and should,  and after 10 hours, you will be away from her.

    Remember we started the exercise of you expressing your anger at your mother, anytime you want to continue, please do.

    anita

    July 15, 2019 at 9:24 am #303389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * I didn’t read your recent two posts before submitting the above. The anger exercise still feels like a good idea, I don’t know if you are at home, having been back from London very recently, today maybe, and if you are alone at home. If you are alone, it may be an opportunity for you to relax, a bit of wine (too early?) and relaxing best you can into those years of entrapment with your mother, writing about it without editing.

    anita

    July 15, 2019 at 9:42 am #303395
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It is time.

    First I want to say sorry to my husband for inflicting my anger and frustration and wounds onto him yet again.  I know I have to change – not change immediately as it is a path. But if i have to create an environment that is least triggering as possible (to my control) I will.

    The exercise. I am going to write whatever comes to mind, whether directly at my mother, or similar people or whatever.

    How dare you! How dare you enjoy what CC gives you, fun, humor, support. And step and stomp on her when you don’t feel great.  It is not my god D*** fault you are a flawed human being.  You may look great or fine from the outside, but you are an ugly disgusting monster! A monster with no insight.  Walking around the world trying to pretend you are kind.  Doing things for others, avaialbe.

    That is not kind!!!!! you are not a good human.  Kind is not throwing a party, being there for a friend in need, and being fun and social.

    kind is not stomping on people when you are down.  Character comes out when you are stressed, feeling bad. And what do you do – you ROAR on the most accesible vulnerable victim.  The  victim that makes you feel bad about yourself maybe.  Because she is happy and smiling. STOMP STOMP on CC.  Stomp.  God CC why cant you make me look and feel better about myself. WHY

    why?!!

    because you are disgusting.  You were born without the gene for empathy. the gene for true compassion.  the gene for true human closeness.

    mother,

    I see based on what Anita has enlightened me about, that I am highly triggered by women who remind me of you. selfish idiots who think themselves as God’s gift to the world, to men.  To be flawless, and for EVERYONE ELSE to be responsible for any issues they encounter.

    Hollow shells of a being.

    I can’t pray to God I won’t encounter these people in my life.  Of course I will, especially being in a city like NYC around people with many egos and high powered careers.

    But I can say – I hate you for making me so triggered.  To feel like a ticking time bomb.  For the comment of this girl to put me over the edge to crying on an entire flight home.

    To feel that everytime I make progress, I get triggered again – being  beat down.

    I am so tired, and you made me so tired.  you took joy away, and so much energy.

    I have a whole life to live ahead of me, and sometimes I don’t even think  I will make it.

    Your abuse has made me into a monster.  a monster in one way, and a scared little lamb in another

    liek you said right.  a lion outside, and a little lamb at home.

    well good job.  good f***ing job – it worked

    July 15, 2019 at 10:02 am #303403
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “you are an ugly disgusting monster!… trying to pretend you are kind… you are not a good human… stomping on people when you are down.. you ROAR on the most accessible vulnerable victim… Because she is happy and smiling. STOMP. STOMP… To feel that every time I make progress, I get triggered again- being beaten down… you took joy away”.

    This is who your mother is, you perceived her just as she was (young children don’t have pre-recorded experiences to distort reality)- she really was and is that monster, an ugly monster. You were not fooled by her pretenses.

    The “vulnerable victim” is you, the perpetrator was your mother.

    When you were a young child and you did have fun, like you did during the wedding, joking around with the others on the dance floor, it was your mother that got the jealousy thing, it was she who envied you for having a good time, for enjoying yourself, for having happy moments when she didn’t. So she wanted you to suffer and proceeded to make it happen.

    She took away your joyful moments, again and again, and this is what this cousin did, she took away your joy, just like your mother did.

    It irked your mother to see her little girl joyful, carefree so she killed that joy.

    anita

    July 15, 2019 at 10:15 am #303407
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am sick and tired of those joy suckers.

    I do everything right, and not in a self inflated way – but in this way.

    I am kind, supportive, friendly, engaging, make sure everyone is okay, am actively involved in what people I care about are doing, whether meeting a new guy, planning a wedding, having issues.

    An overall good supportive, empathetic person/friend.

    And so I am sick and tired of these jealous joy suckers.  What did I ever do to you!!! Nothing.

    I retract.  I will not give good away anymore. no I will not. It pains me to a certain point as it is simply who I am, it is so innate in me to be this way I never even realize I am doing this.  I would never think “oh look how helpful and involved I am” when doing something.  I have been this way my whole life, in many ways being raised this way perhaps bc mother. but regardless, in a positive way – I have always been this way.  And to see it gets taken for granted or stomped on.

    No I won’t be this way to people who don’t deserve it anymore.  No.

    I too want to be B***chy and disengaged and disinterested.  Giving a small reserved smile – not jumping into give helpful input, or support.

     

    July 15, 2019 at 10:28 am #303411
    Anonymous
    Guest

    – Keep going, Cali Chica. I don’t think you read my recent post to you?

    anita

    July 15, 2019 at 10:37 am #303413
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I did, and will continue.

    Yes mother you killed joy. WHY.

    How evil how torturous.  What human being does that.  God and look at me now – I am almost turning into that to my own husband! The cycle continues!!! no i wont let it. NOOOO

    i’ll do whatever it takes! ANYTHING!! you taught me all the wrong things were important! everything wrong.

    So go to hell with everything.

    CC is done being super social and giving aaway the goods for free.  what goods: kindness, sincerity, love

    you took advantage of it! and thats why even unimportant people who do that now trigger me so much.

    my own mother wanted to suck my joy away. so distressed with her lack, that it killed her to see me happy go lucky and carefree so there BAM – let me bring you down to my level.  SUFFER YOU MUST SUFFER!!!!!!

    WELL I AM SUFFERING

    from you from all these idiots here and there that have not a clue about their lives.  idiots!!! evil people.

    i am glad I got to see the real you, and the manifestation of you in so many people I encounter so many of your qualities, black lady at work, this cousin.

    you are everywhere, they are everywhere.

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