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Self Image and Comparisons

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • January 23, 2018 at 2:24 pm #188353
    linevty0
    Participant

    Hello,

    Background:  I was married for almost 20 years (divorced now for almost 6 years and have since been remarried for 2 months).  My ex-wife cheated on me and it was sort of a blindside.  I am over it and have no ill will toward my ex-wife and neither does my current wife-they are actually good friends so no worries there.

     

    The issue is every since my ex-wife cheated on me, my self-esteem and my sense of worthiness has taken a nose-dive and it manifests itself in odd ways.  Currently, I find myself comparing myself to my current wife’s exs.  They were all good looking guys and I feel less than them somehow.  She has told me that yes, they were attractive guys but she finds me more so though I don’t know if she is biased or not and it gets me down.  I’ve seen pictures of them and I think they are much more attractive than me physically, though in all other ways they don’t seem like very good guys (one guy left her and her kids after one of their kids passed away for another woman, one guy left her at the alter when she was pregnant, and one guy went on a drug fueled crime spree and hid his criminal/drug past from her before they got married.  He is now in prison).

    I’m hung up on the physical looks for some reason.  I consider myself in pretty good shape, I work out 4 times a week and have a healthy weight and look decent but no matter how many times she tells me how much she is attracted to me, it doesn’t seem to matter.  I always feel like second-place or less than her past guys.

     

    Any advice?  I appreciate it.

     

    January 23, 2018 at 2:40 pm #188355
    Mark
    Participant

    Did you know why your former spouse cheated?  What was the reason?  What was lacking for her in order to do that?  If you don’t know then find out.  That would be useful information to help you get past this wound.  What was your part in the dissolution of the marriage?  Taking responsibility would also be useful for you in order to move forward.

    It is good that you are communicating with your wife but it is not a good idea dwell on whether or not you are a attractive (good) enough husband.  Put your energies toward loving your wife and make sure if that is the kind of loving she wants.  Look up the Five Languages of Love in helping to determine that.  Get to know why your wife values about you and do more of that.

    Some suggested ways of how you keep your marriage alive and thriving.  See the link:http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/g3214/25-things-every-marriage-needs/

    Mark

    January 23, 2018 at 2:51 pm #188359
    linevty0
    Participant

    Even though my ex-wife and I were friends, we married young (at 19) but that romantic spark never really got going.  I didn’t feel the same way she felt about me but I never strayed from our marriage.  I treated her well but she felt like we didn’t have enough sex (we had sex 2-3 a week for 20 years but that wasn’t enough for her) and she starting seeking attention elsewhere.  I’m totally ok with not being married to her anymore and we remain friends and are good coparents to our kids.  I just think her actions triggered something in me about not being good enough and I still struggle with it.

     

    I am familiar with the 5 languages and my current wife is touch-based and I’m affirmation based.  I take very good care of my wife and we have a fantastic romantic relationship.  She was cheated on and she sometimes has some insecurities about me leaving her like all these other guys did and I assure her I’m solid and not going anywhere.  I guess we all have our issues from time to time.  I’m just tired of comparing myself to her exs.  She married/dated handsome guys and for some reason I feel like I don’t measure up.

    January 23, 2018 at 3:05 pm #188363
    Mark
    Participant

    Thanks for elaborating on your marriage to explain more about yourself linevty0.

    Comparison is deadly.  It is built into our evolutionary biology.  Mindfulness is a great way of catching ourselves to notice about what works for us and what doesn’t.  You might want to check out Byron Katie’s The Work.  See below and/or look it up on the web or get her book.

    Plus do you want to waste your time and your energies and attention on her ex’s and your deficiencies?

    Mark

    —-

    1. Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
    2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
    3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
    4. Who would you be without the thought?

     

    January 23, 2018 at 4:00 pm #188379
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Linevto,

    You probably have so much going for you than any of these other men. Looks don’t matter. 10-15 years down the road, they will be balding, gray hair and wrinkles. This is why you should never compare yourself to others. Just run your own race. Models in magazines that girls envy? They are not happy. Too busy about worrying about being replaced with someone younger. 10 years from now, you don’t see them in magazines anymore. Looks are fleeting. You will make yourself miserable by always comparing in looks. In the end, we all age, what matters is what we have to offer, our values, how we raise our children, our ability to give and receive love. I bet those great looking men only have 1-2 of those qualities. Don’t fall in the comparison trap. You are loveable and that’s all that matters.

    January 24, 2018 at 5:28 am #188521
    linevty0
    Participant

    Wow, thanks so much for taking time to respond.  I thought about it overnight and I feel that I do this comparison thing because I want to be the best in every way so she will never have a reason to look elsewhere.  I think I’m trying to protect myself from that painful experience of being left for somebody else.

    January 24, 2018 at 7:51 am #188559
    Mark
    Participant

    This is what you call “baggage.”  The wounds of our past affect our present.  Mindfulness helps keeps us in the Present.  You are dwelling on your past wounds and projecting onto your future of the possibility of your wife leaving you.  The Present is now, with your wife loving you for who and what you are.

    January 24, 2018 at 8:56 am #188585
    linevty0
    Participant

    Thanks so much for those kind words.

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