Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome! “I agree with you but how should I deal with this?… I want to be ready for the future”, you wrote in regard to pushing away love because of fear. My answer for now: (1) become more aware of this dynamic within you, of wanting love on the one hand, and being afraid of it on the other. Get to know yourself more,  get further educated in this regard.

(2) Develop emotion regulation skills so that when you feel distressed- in the future, when in a relationship- you will be able to calm yourself down and think rationally about the situation, correctly evaluate it before impulsively reacting to it, and make thoughtful choices.

In regard to not accepting her love, you wrote: “I never blamed myself for this… But still I am filled with regret and resentment, thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should I let go of this regret?”-

– To attempt to answer these questions, I need to understand the resentment part of your natural response in regard to not having accepted her love. There is anger in resentment: who were you angry with, in this context, and what was your anger about?

“My emotions were always numbed with SK”- this seems incongruent with what you shared in your original post about the relationship with her: “It was a very passionate and lovely relationship, from the start we were really close..  the first months were really awesome..  I also fell head over heels for her“- this doesn’t read like numb emotions on your part. Can you help me understand?

“I refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I burst out with anger sometimes too”- Again, I would like to understand your anger better: what was it about, at the time?

“But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself to her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more… I had FOMO“- … and I would like to understand your fear-of-missing-out better: missing out on what exactly…?

“Maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never sought emotional dependence apart from the times when I was bullied and cried in front of my father“-

– when you sought emotional help from your father (acting emotional dependent on him, in that one time),  after having been bullied in school, when you cried in front of him… how did he react? Did he shame you for crying?

When SK sought emotional help from you, acting emotionally dependent on you, did it make you angry that she is.. allowing herself a privilege that was denied from you: the privilege to act weak, dependent?

“Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds”- would you like to elaborate on that experience, what happened after those few seconds…?

anita

Dear GoingThroughLife:

I would like to read your recent post (and our previous communication) Sun morning, when I am more focused than I am now. It is Sat afternoon here).

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome and thank you for being so nice, gracious, I appreciate it!

“While breaking up she told me that because of the distance and the timings, it’s better we stop talking, after that I talked to her a bit and not much. Then after a few days she texted me she met someone else…. she was lying”-

– putting the long-distance factor aside for a moment, what I boldfaced above could be, maybe, her excuses for not having continued the relationship with you. Being that women are the ones traditionally pursued, it is often that when rejecting men who pursue them, women come up with tactful, untrue reasons aimed at sparing the pursuer’s feelings and avoiding a confrontation. In this case, she may have been saying (paraphrased): I am not interested in talking with you, not because I don’t like this or that about you, but because of the distance and wrong timing, nothing to do with you! 2nd time, perhaps wanting to get the message across to you more clearly, she told you that she met someone else.

“She hoped we could stay friends“- this could have been part of the rejection-package, so to speak. When rejecting a man’s advances, most women are careful about not hurting the man’s feelings, not just, or necessarily because of being kind, but so to not incur a man’s anger, not wanting the man angry at them.

But she could have meant it, I don’t know. And she may be a kind, honest (and tactful) person, and mature enough to understand the disadvantages of a long-distance relationship.

“I feel like there’s a strong connection there… I actually felt a really strong pure bond with her… It’s been almost 3 months since we talked and still I can’t get rid of these feelings. These feelings scare me but the though about her makes me smile a lot. I think that happens when you really like someone“- no doubts you have strong, positive feelings for her. But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months, not same intensity, and your attention was often elsewhere. Same is true to her, her feelings don’t stay the same.

Your current feelings for her are not any kind of evidence that she is feeling the same, or similarly. I know that you are aware of what I just typed, but I am stating this because there is a subconscious belief in these feelings (of longing for another person),  that they are feeling the same. There is no basis in reality to this belief.

“Although she is really attractive and I don’t find myself as attractive as her physically. In confident that I’m consistently working on myself and feeling better and confident….Don’t know how to start the conversation with her, whether I should just write a whole paragraph and send her or to first ask about casual stuff first… I’m kind of putting my respect on the line“-

– if you send her a casual short message, like how are you?, she’d probably figure that you are pursuing the (long-distance) romantic relationship that you had with her, and that you re pursuing it in a timid, least risky way. What if you write her a long-enough paragraph where you present yourself not as a timid man who’s afraid to be rejected, but as a strong, confident man who can take rejection?

This would be a unique approach that can give you an advantage over the competition (assuming she is not in a relationship currently)- a man who comes across differently from others. This can make you look attractive in her eyes. It is an attitude that can attract other women to you.

In this paragraph, you can tell her how you feel about her, what you like about her, and what you would like from her, given the long-distance factor, and ask her if it suits her. Be honest, direct, straight forward and caring (for her well-being), all at the same time. What do you have to lose with this approach?

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are very welcome!

My sentence (“But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months..”) explained: feelings don’t stay the same, they change every day, so, let’s say you catch her at 12 pm, she’s busy, otherwise occupied, and she sounds like she doesn’t have any feelings for you; you catch her at 6 pm, she is not busy, had a hot shower, listening to romantic music ..and she thinks of you romantically. Feelings change over the course of weeks and months as well.

“I need to first clear in mind if I want her as a friend right now given the long distance or ask her if we can reconnect romantically. Whenever I have the answer clear. Ill surely text her“- good plan!

“I agree with this approach and at this point I got nothing to lose but I don’t want to come off as desperate, so I am just trying to frame the right message which conveys what I feel in my mind and heart. Not good at writing or expressing my feelings, lol“- you can put together a first draft for a message, here on your thread, and I’ll be glad to give you editing suggestions.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome!

“well as every text starts, hope you’re doing well and etc. etc.“- I wouldn’t include this sentence. I’d start with Hey EN, how are you? or, if you prefer, Hey EN, I hope you are well (or okay).

“and well the ‘you met someone else’ lie was tactful“- I definitely wouldn’t include this part, it’s confrontational and it will significantly decrease the chances of her responding to you positively, if at all.

“I’ll get straight to the point“- I wouldn’t include this either. Instead, I’d just get straight to the point.

I would add to the text the important part: your goal to be friends with her. Edited, I suggest this version (for your editing):

“Hey EN, I hope you are well. You were on my mind recently. I really enjoyed the conversations we had over the phone and I miss them. I miss the genuine connection I felt we had, a kind of connection that’s hard to find.

I know, given the long distance thing you chose not to pursue a relationship further, and I understand and accept your choice. Still, I think it’s better to reach out and ask if you want to connect over call or something to catch up, as friends only.  Let’s try to stay in touch, if you feel the same.”

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome. The good thing about the latest interaction with her (you sending her the message and her responding) is that you got the information you needed and “clarity about a relationship” (in the title of your thread), or better say, clarity about the possibility of a relationship with EN.

If you didn’t send her a message at all, you’d be wondering if there’s a chance with her. If you sent her a message accusing her of lying about meeting someone else (in your original draft of the message), and she didn’t respond positively, you might have wondered if the reason was your accusation.

Since you sent an appropriate, non-accusatory, fair message, you can trust that you received clear and definite response.

“I’m accepting the situation. I had strong and have really positive feelings about her but looks like it’s time for something better.“- I very much like your attitude and optimism! I am looking forward to be reading about you being in a good relationship, soon enough.

anita