Seeking advice on mending ex-gf FB friendship

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This topic has 16 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 7 months ago by Lori.

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September 17, 2015 at 1:03 pm #83510

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sanguine:

“I am a happily married 45 year old…Total bliss” is how you describe your 14 year marriage to Ann. I don’t believe you.

anita

September 17, 2015 at 1:13 pm #83511

Anonymous
Guest

More: You wrote: “the idea of having an affair with Stef was the absolute last thing from my mind”- I don’t believe that either.

Regarding ” (Ann) indicated that she (Ann) really had no problem with it”-

really???

anita

September 17, 2015 at 2:19 pm #83526

sanguine
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you for reading this and responding, but I have to be honest — your replies haven’t been very helpful so far.

Ann and I are very happy. I’m not sure why you would think otherwise, but trust me, we are. And yes, Ann and I have spoken about this a few times. She has told me that she doesn’t understand why I want to be friends with Stef — and has made it plain that she doesn’t like her — but she says she trusts me and that it’s fine. And if she was really not cool with it, I wouldn’t be on here chatting with you now.

Ask yourself: Why would I spend the time to write this long diatribe if my ultimate goal was to have an affair? I can understand why you would think that’s my motivation, since I have a history with Stef. But that’s not my plan. And honestly, there are much easier ways to have an affair.

Why would I go through the trouble of trying to get the online friendship with Stef back, with Ann’s knowledge, if the ultimate goal was an affair? Sounds pretty dumb, especially since I’ve already learned the hard way that Ann could be reading anything I write. Why would I risk losing everything?

No. This is simple: I don’t want to leave things the way they are. I’m trying to resolve a misunderstanding, nothing more.

September 17, 2015 at 4:39 pm #83559

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sanguine:

In your original post you wrote: “The next morning, after Ann had left for work…I saw the iPad..and quickly deduced that Ann had seen everything…I knew I was in trouble. The chat messages did not look good. I was terrified. So I decided to “come clean” and took several actions that, at the time, seemed necessary to save my marriage and remove and sense of impropriety…”

So, what you are telling me (and anyone who reads) is that your projection of a possible impropriety into Ann’s thinking was a misunderstanding you had with yourself since she did not view your IPad correspondence you had with Stef as imporper. So your whole thread is about clearing a misunderstanding that you are having with yourself?

And/ or is your thread about mending the relationship with Stef who misunderstood you when she said (this is your quote): ““how dare you, Ann’s trust is misplaced, knowing that you’re going behind her back infuriates me, you disgust me, don’t ever contact me again.”

Okay, sanguine, I will try to be helpful to you:

Please do not try to mend anything at all with Stef. Respect her request, passionately stated by her, to not contact her. Leave Stef alone as well as all past girlfriends. You are married now. And you have two children who need you very much.

Please minimize and better yet, end your Facebook thing and spend time with Ann and with your children instead. Your children need you with them, playing with toys and holding them and reading them stories.

anita

September 18, 2015 at 5:13 am #83594

Inky
Participant

Hi sanguine,

1. Something got lost in translation for Steph to suddenly get so angry with you. If it were me I would think that I’m being used for some cheap thrill if I had that kind of reaction.

2. Your wife is playing it cool. As in “I’m the cool wife”. She is PRETENDING to be “OK” with it and not come across as being in any way threatened by “her”.

3. The sudden unfriending/blocking DOES give her the impression in Steph’s mind that you WERE trying to hide her!

4. You cannot “clear your name” now. The only thing is to let time, time, and more time pass. Maybe, just maybe, one day she MIGHT feel like she was overreacting.

5. Why would you be so attached to someone who dumped you decades ago? And on FB I don’t chat, even with my real life friends. It’s OK to Message or post on their Wall once in a very blue moon, but we 40 something year olds have better things to do, don’t you agree??

September 18, 2015 at 6:50 am #83595

Gill
Participant

Hi Sanguine,

Having read your post the first thing that sprung to mind is rejection. I think the rejection you felt when Steph called things off all those years ago has contributed to your erratic behaviour. Honestly as a married woman I do not and cannot understand your behaviour. To me you have failed to get over the heart ache from losing Steph and while you firmly say you are not interested in an affair you are being driven by some compulsion. You are skating on very thin ice and in my opinion disrespecting your wife. Your trying to play your emotions down but I can practially hear you screaming out in frustration.
If I was you I would put Steph back where she belongs and that is in the past. You need to focus on the present, your wife and kids. Your wife seems like a really kind person give her the respects she deserves. Move on, focus on your family and the happiness they bring you and let go of Steph.

Letting go is never easy but it’s something that needs to be done to move forward.

September 18, 2015 at 10:23 am #83606

Lori
Participant

Hi Sanguine,

I don’t mean any disrespect, but to be honest, about midway through your post I thought maybe i was reading a fictional story meant as a joke. Am I wrong? I cannot reconcile how an obviously intelligent and educated 45 year old man (and talented writer!) who is happily married with 2 beautiful kids would feel the way you do at the loss of an ex-girlfriend’s friendship. And I’m having some trouble relating to the 3 characters in your story:

1) You: You lost me at “..we talked about the kinky things she liked to do 20 years ago”.

2) Ann: She reads your flirtatious chats and sees no red flags.

3)Stef: Flirts online with a married ex and let’s him know she’s interested in meeting up with him.

I hope you decide not to reconnect with your ex-girlfriend and instead let her get on with her life. I hope you can get on with your life (without your ex) too.

September 18, 2015 at 11:09 am #83610

Anonymous
Guest

Sanguine:

Assuming your posts on this thread are not a joke but are a true account to the best of your knowledge, then I need to re-do my original response to your post. As I read it yesterday I became frustrated and angry at what I perceived clearly as your dishonesty with yourself and hence with the rest of the people in your life. As I got angry I got stupid (There is a saying: “As your anger goes up, your IQ goes down.) and responded to you with anger. The reason it is stupid of me (again, assuming this is a true post the best you know)- is that I am least able to reach you with any valid message once I express anger at you. Plus, when I did write to you “dear sanguine” I cringed at my “dear”- so there I was dishonest myself. Here is my redo, and I am assuming a non angry state of mind:

Dear Sanguine:

As I read your post I noticed at one point on a lack of consistency in your story, a self delusion/ lack of honesty. I hope you will examine my point. You wrote: “The next morning, after Ann had left for work…I saw the iPad..and quickly deduced that Ann had seen everything…I knew I was in trouble. The chat messages did not look good. I was terrified. So I decided to “come clean” and took several actions that, at the time, seemed necessary to save my marriage and remove and sense of impropriety…”

This indicates to me that you believed your exchange with Stef was a betrayal of Ann. Once Ann told you that she was okay with it, you ignored your own reaction as if because Ann said it was okay- then it must have been okay. But your own reaction as indicated in my quote, indicates that you, yourself, believed your exchange with Stef was a betrayal of Ann or at least inappropriate or improper to use your word.

Then you wrote that Stef wrote to you: “how dare you, Ann’s trust is misplaced, knowing that you’re going behind her back infuriates me, you disgust me, don’t ever contact me again.” In Stef’s writing to you she is giving you feedback on the exchagne with her. SHe is telling you right there that you went behind Anns’; back, that is betrayed Ann, that is that you were inappropriate with Stef.

So you got it from two sources: your own self, your own reaction, then Stef and now you are getting it from me. I hope you will examine your motives in your fb interactions with Stef. I hope you re-examine your relationship with Ann, improve your communication with Ann so that you will find out what she truly feels about this (I hope she will tell you) and what you can do to improve your awareness of yourself, your relationship with Ann, and all that needs your awareness and attention.

Best wishes to you, to your children (!) and to your wife:

anita

September 18, 2015 at 1:31 pm #83612
sanguine
Participant
Wow! I am truly amazed at the responses this post has received! Before I write anything else, I want to thank Anita, Gill, Inky and Lori for taking the time to not only read this very long post (Damn, is there a way to edit this? Make it shorter? Argh!) and for your very thoughtful comments. I also appreciate your well wishes. (And Lori’s compliment. I actually am a writer!)

So let me offer some clarifications:

@Lori: Stef and I chatted maybe once a week, or every other week, and not for very long. I hope no one here thinks that I’ve been spending hours and hours and hours chatting with this woman. Not at all. Most of our chats were about things like books, politics, life, etc. But one night a long time ago we briefly — and I mean for maybe two minutes — talked about two kinky things she did when we were together. That’s all. Ann never saw it. And when Stef said “maybe this could be the year we meet,” she didn’t mean it in a flirty way. It was very matter of fact, as was my response. In hindsight, I should have said that Ann and I could take her out to dinner. (Stef sent Ann a friend request shortly after we started ties. Ann thought it was odd, but accepted it, and they did chat a few times about books and movies. They are no longer friends, I don’t know when or how that ended).

We’re starting to get into Anita’s last reply a little bit too, so …

@Lori/Anita: When I chose the words I wrote to Stef, I knew what I meant. When I looked at the iPad in the morning, I saw the same words there. No problem. But then I looked at it again and noticed that I had made no mention of Ann joining us. At that point I thought Ann could probably interpret that three ways — that Stef and I were planning to meet (1) with Ann, for dinner or something, (2) without Ann, but it wouldn’t be a secret, or (3) a secret meeting and who knows what would happen from there.

In hindsight, I know that I could have — and should have — handled that much better. I overreacted. Stef and I weren’t planning anything sinister. I wasn’t trying to hide anything (but my actions may have looked like I was!). It’s frustrating.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by sanguine.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by sanguine.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by sanguine.
September 19, 2015 at 8:25 am #83638

Anonymous
Guest

Dear sanguine:

You missed my point. At your original post you wrote that your relationship with your wife is bliss. But in this last post above you wrote that you don’t know why she is no longer fb friends with your ex gf and you also wrote three options of whaty your wife may have been thinking about your correspondence with your ex gf. This means to me that you and your wife are not communicating very well.

Isn’t good communication part of bliss?

I think that the important point is not whether you over-reacted by cutting off fb ties to your ex gf, but that you are GUESSING what your wife feels about your ex gf and your communication with the ex gf.

anita

September 19, 2015 at 11:49 am #83640

Lori
Participant

Hi Sanguine,

Thanks for your clarifications. I understand your frustration. You miss your ex-girlfriend’s friendship and want things back to where they were before the misunderstanding. I’ve already shared with you my feelings about that. So instead of trying to convince you that the falling out with your ex may actually be a blessing in disguise, I’ll agree with Inky: Let some time pass. There’s a good chance your ex misses the friendship too.

Hope it all works out!

September 19, 2015 at 1:52 pm #83643

Lori
Participant

…one question for you, sanguine:

Is the thing that bothers you most about your situation the idea that someone who used to think good thoughts about you may not anymore all because of a misunderstanding? If so, I totally get that.

September 19, 2015 at 2:07 pm #83644

TriangleSun
Participant

It’s really amazing to me how someone who has so much that many many others wish they had, attempts to ruin it all by bringing in a person from the past who clearly shouldn’t be in their present or future. Man, you have a loving wife and beautiful kids. Stop before you lose both. Do you honestly think your wife doesn’t see this as a problem? I’m 15 years younger than you and I learned enough to know that this is total BS that women say. It bothers her but she trusts you. Don’t lose this trust. You can “clear your name” by not playing tricks with an ex and your family, not by trying to have a friendship with someone who isn’t in your life for a good reason. If she had an ounce of respect for you she’d know to stay the hell away because you are married. But she clearly doesn’t. Seriously man, there are many men such as myself who wish they had what you have. Don’t be a… you know what… and blow it. Forget this woman.

September 22, 2015 at 8:21 am #83833

sanguine
Participant

Hey everyone! Thanks again for all of your advice. I do sincerely appreciate it.

There has been a new development. Maybe this is an opportunity … or maybe not. You tell me.

In my original post, I mentioned that Stef has a chronic illness that will keep her from living a “normal life.” In the interest of full disclosure, she has Crohn’s disease. I had never heard of it before two years ago, but from the descriptions I’ve read, it sounds devastating. Not a happy diagnosis by any means.

On Monday, a mutual friend on Facebook posted a link that another woman (not my friend, but is Stef’s, and I know her) had posted. This other woman, Cindy, is preparing to run a marathon next month to raise money for Crohn’s research, and dedicated the run to Stef. She is asking for donations, and is about $300 short of her goal.

Cindy also said Stef is sick and may have to quit her job.

The website for donations includes a scrolling list thanking those who donated. About four or five people donated $100, and about six or seven donated $50. Many others donated less than that. I’m confident that Stef would see any donation Ann and I made. And the donation would absolutely be from “Ann and Sanguine Smith.”

Best case scenario: this would be a good opportunity to make a friendly gesture toward Stef, and show that I have Ann’s blessing for doing so. Worst case scenario: I guess it’s possible I could get an angry email from Stef telling me to leave her alone, and would take offense at the whole idea. Might also tick off Ann, but she is a very generous person (she bought a homeless man lunch at McDonald’s the other day). Honestly, if we made like a $20 donation and I never heard anything from Stef I would be OK with that — at least she would know that Ann and I are moved by her suffering and want to help find a cure.

Regardless of what happens, any donation would be well spent toward trying to find a cure for Crohn’s. Like I said, it sounds horrible. That’s really the most important part.

I have until early October. What should I do? I haven’t mentioned any of this to Ann yet.

@Lori: Yes, you totally get it.

@Anita: You make a good point. Another clarification: Ann told me once that she “doesn’t have a problem” with Stef, but she also added that she “doesn’t trust her.” She said she trusts me, but not her. I guess that means Ann thinks Stef would secretly love to have an affair with me. I seriously doubt that was ever considered by anyone, but if Ann really does think that then I do have a problem.

September 22, 2015 at 8:44 am #83835

sanguine
Participant

All that being said, part of me is really angry about this whole ordeal. Stef broke my heart 22 years ago, but I got over it. Two years ago she apologized for how she treated me. It felt good, but was also weird — an apology that was years overdue. Now this misunderstanding has come along and while most of me is upset and wants to fix it, I must admit that part of me is like “you’re a crazy bitch, have a nice life, see ya.”
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