I’m scared that I’ll never recover from this.

So, here’s the story. I met this guy, 7 years ago at university. He was weird, intelligent, and came from a completely different (pagan) culture and of course, I fell really hard for him. We had a passionate love for three months, until it was time for me to go back to my home country. We tried to keep up LDR but things degenerated as we were unemployed/ had no certainty about being together/ began fighting all the time/ my family didn’t approve because he was of a different religion. I did do my best to come and see him everytime I travelled – about twice a year. In early 2014, about three years of LDR later, he announced to me ‘he had a girlfriend’. This was a blow because, well, I didn’t see it coming. I cut off all contact with him, nursed my broken heart, announced that ‘what’s meant to be will be’ and ‘if we’re meant to be together, we’ll end up together’. I also thought – because this guy is a geek – the girlfriend was imaginary and he in fact wanted to end the toxic LDR. I began working on myself, moved out of my toxic family house, and genuinely felt better.

As luck would have it, I ended up going back to London for a year in autumn 2014… and started dating someone. But then, I met Mr Geek again. I’d reached out to him because I thought we were good and could be friends. But when we met, he kissed me hard and we ended up having sex the very same day… it was passionate and urgent and all the old memories came rushing back. I assumed that his ‘ girlfriend’ was indeed imaginary or that they were not together. I was taken aback and broke up with the person I was seeing.

We started seeing each other regularly, falling in love again, and were much more stable. We went through an enormous struggle together: he had to redo his second year of PhD and I supported him as best as I could. In fact, his assessment was due 5 days before my first exam and I gave up on studying for that exam so I could help him (of course I ended up with shitty marks but I felt his need was greater). We spent Christmas together at his family house and I like to think his family and friends liked me, although things were a bit tense between me and his mother at moments. At one point, he dropped a bomb by mentioning marriage – which he later rescinded, maybe because of the mother issue?

After Christmas, I had to return to my home country again as my Masters was over. We agreed to try LDR for a year and take it from there. I made it a point – now that I was financially stable – to visit him at least once every 3 months and thus we created happy memories. It worked. We had arguments and there were moments when I was very insecure, of course, but I tried my best to be there for him while he completed his PhD. But in the middle of the year, my father died and things went haywire at home. I was an emotional wreck but I put aside the grieving so I could help him with his PhD. He passed, and came to visit me, and I thought all was well, until last Christmas.

I decided to stay alone with my family as it didn’t feel appropriate to  celebrate because of my father’s death, but I felt abandoned and lonely and we ended up having bitter arguments when he stood me up for Skype dates on Christmas and New Year.

Despite this, I kept up the travels to London. We had some great moments together: I organised dates and travels and fun stuff to do but over the course of the year I had an increasingly nagging feeling that I wasn’t sure where this was going. My father’s death had stalled my efforts to return to London and it didn’t seem he was interested in making the effort to be geographically together – it felt like my fault and my responsibility. Then, two months ago, we made a big trip to Mexico for a friend’s wedding. This cost me a HELL lot of money. When we met, he was a bit distant and I was very taken aback when he said some hurtful words (questioning my sanity – I’d been following therapy and taking SSRIs to cope with my family situation – so this hit home) and wasn’t forthcoming with saying ‘I love you’. At one point, I noticed a message from a girl with a kissy emoji on his phone – we were using his to navigate so I had access to it – and he dismissed it by saying that she was one of his highschool friends and in his culture friends wished ‘good luck’ when they travelled. I had no reason to doubt something was amiss, and I knew that he didn’t travel much unlike me, so I believed him. But we did do a lot of activities together, he introduced me to his friends again and I felt all was good.

Until I saw explicit messages on his phone from someone who wasn’t me. From that same girl. Complete with sexts, kissy emojis (which he rarely used with me), pictures from her in lingerie and on the bed, pictures from him from the places that we’d been to – where I thought we were creating moments as a couple.

This was on the last day of the trip. There was a lot of crying and he revealed that this was his ex. That she got in touch over Christmas and they started talking to each other since. And that they began flirting in earnest as from June – around the time that I bought my ticket to Mexico.

He claimed she made him laugh; that my grief at my father was too much to handle; that he had doubts about me because we fought all the time and didn’t see a future with me.

Never mind that (a) I did my best to make him laugh all the time, through tangible and intangible gestures, and especially when he was in deep shit with his PhD (b) I put aside my grief for my father to cheer him on as he wrapped up his PhD (c) I did my best to create happy memories and we did not fight all the time – this is when I realised he still assumed I was the same person that I was before 2014, even though I had put in a lot of work to be better. The ‘not seeing a future’ and saying his feelings have changed was also a blow, especially as he was showing us off as a couple with his friends. I realise now it’s because he didn’t want to lose face in front of them and reveal he had been cheating.

I was of course, shocked, hurt and felt completely betrayed. He sent her a message to say that they should stop talking while he fixed things with me, which reassured me that there was hope to sustain our relationship. But then… he ended up talking to her again and I suspect he went to meet her in his home country. When I found this out I cut off all contact with him.

I feel completely devastated. I had had rock solid trust in this guy and he lied and deceived me for months. In my opinion, if he had had doubts, he should have worked with me to address them – whether by agreeing to call it quits, or by dealing with them. I feel shocked that he focused on the bad sides of the relationship, thinking that the butterfly phase of being with that girl is what a relationship is about. I feel a bit used; when I came to London, that girl had not done ANYTHING to support him during his difficult times, yet he chose her. She was fully aware that he was with me, but she still seduced him – although it was his responsibility to stop her, or me.

It’s been two months but I feel messed up. I know, rationally, that I shouldn’t WANT to be with someone who did what he did. I feel I was doing all the giving and he was doing all the taking but when he was lovely he was very very lovely. He was my best friend and there were many things about him that I loved (including the way he laughed.) I also feel messed up because it feels like I found a country and culture and family that I loved, but now he has slammed the door on those in my face. I’ve loved this guy for 7 years. I am scared I won’t get over him. I am scared of spending another lonely Christmas.

Is there any way to get back with him?

Is there any way to move on, for real?