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July 29, 2018 at 10:17 am #219273
AnonymousGuestDear Running:
I will be away from the computer for the next 17 hours or so. When I am back I will read your recent post and respond go it then. I did notice that you wrote that you are a woman, now I know.
anita
July 29, 2018 at 11:23 am #219277
PrashParticipantDear Running,
When you are aware, the pain doesn’t necessarily go away completely. It is something like a shift from “feeling the pain and doing something to suppress or run away from it” to “being aware of the pain and giving yourself the choice to do what you want with it”. I agree it is a very slow and tedious process. But it is a skill and you can only get better with repeated practice.
About the steps that you can take, Anita has given you a good list of what is possible. I use imagery quite frequently. Picturing myself in my calm place usually somewhere where nature is at its best. For you being an athlete, it could be a run in such a place. Anything that helps.
July 30, 2018 at 1:25 am #219337
RunningParticipantDear Prash,
Thanks for this. I also like being in nature and somewhere quiet and peaceful. Right now, I’m imagining a deep green lush forest setting. I like the sound of water, so maybe there’s a stream or creek. Or a light rain. It feels like a perfect oasis for my mind.
Yes, it does feel like it’s a skill that needs repeat practice. I wonder how long it would take me to be better at it?
July 30, 2018 at 1:50 am #219339PrashParticipantDear Running,
That kind of wondering can also be a source of stress. 🙂 Try let go and enjoy what you have just described whenever you can. It sure did feel me with a lot of peace.
July 30, 2018 at 2:00 am #219341AnonymousGuestDear Running:
My mother was scary too, attacked me like a predator attacking prey.
You wrote, “There are some relationships that I can more easily identify as being bad for me, but some are less easy. I’m not sure if it’s just me and maybe if it was somebody else in a healthier place, it would be completely find”-
if a person hits you, you know you were abused because it is easy to identify hitting as abuse. But when a person says something and you don’t know if that was disrespectful or you only imagine it to be disrespectful, that is a difficulty, you don’t know how to react, if to react. Or when a person’s facial expression is unhappy, you don’t know if she is angry at you, trying to punish you with a silent treatment, or just tired. And so, you don’t know what to do, or say, if anything. You don’t know if it is an abusive relationship. When you do react and a fight ensues, you don’t know who is responsible for what. Is this your experience?
anita
July 30, 2018 at 3:10 am #219347RunningParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, I often feel confused about who is responsible for what. It is hard for me to figure out. I think I can be very sensitive to people’s response to me. I guess I might also have expectations as to how I feel relationships or exchanges should go, even if it’s not something I consciously think about. It is very hard for me to know or feel like someone might be angry with me or doesn’t like me. I would overthink their facial expressions, what is said not said, they kept silent etc… I would overthink to try to figure out what I might have done wrong, if I offended them, was I being stupid etc… and it starts getting confusing and complicated.. and the cringing usually starts soon after.
When I feel myself starting to react internally in the presence of the person(s), I don’t usually react externally at first, or at least I try not to make a big action. I might feel confused or unsure, usually the confused shocked feelings come first.. then I might feel hurt and angry. But in the 1st moments, I try to go away to have my own space. Someone I work with on an evening has made comments before about this that I’m hiding away. That can make me feel more unsure, like I don’t know if she’s doing it purposely, and it feels like my action is not being respected. But maybe she’s just being her.. which includes being direct. But I don’t think I would do that to someone else if it were me. But am I being a snowflake?
I’m sorry to hear that it was the same for you, having a mother that attacked you. But I’m also hopeful since you’ve survived and healing, and I’m really glad to be able to share with you. Did you or have you had the same sorts of struggles too?
July 30, 2018 at 3:43 am #219353AnonymousGuestDear Running:
Yes, I believe I had the same struggles. I am no longer as confused as I was, what a relief!
We project our mothers into other people, all through adulthood, suspecting them to mean what she meant, to do next what she did. We are not sure though, we don’t have the proof. We are confused. The only way to clear the confusion is to ask the other person: what did you mean by this? Are you thinking this or that right now?
This can be a burden to the other person, to be questioned again and again, this is why an understanding has to take place before questions. The other person has to understand that you are asking for information, because you don’t know, because you are confused, and not so to start an argument.
Got to check your assumptions, those projections I mentioned, check to see if they are true or not by asking. If the person you are asking is honest, if you trust or learn to trust him or her, then you will trust his answers. It takes a different kind of asking if the person is a co worker than it is if the person is in a personal relationship with you.
Would you like to share more about your current relationship with your mother? I wonder if you visit her or she visits you for long periods of time, the two of you living in different countries.
anita
July 30, 2018 at 6:27 am #219391PrashParticipantDear Running,
Thank you so much for your insightful posts. Truly appreciate your presence here.
These issues of thinking about the other person – their facial expressions, what is said not said, they kept silent etc and if I might have done wrong, if I offended them, was I being stupid etc. They are familiar territory to me. That used to bother me a lot and occasionally do so even now.
When I am indeed aware of these kind of thoughts within me, this is the line of thought that I generally follow. When I was born, with me there was none else; when I die it is the same. So the most important person, the main character so to speak in my story, is my self; all the others being relegated to side roles. This helps me redirect the focus from the influence that others have on me towards the role of the impact of my thoughts and feelings on myself.
However I communicate, I may never know what is truly on the mind of another person. The only person that I can know for sure is myself and I am the best person on whom I can rely for my support. This helps in gaining a good foothold on the way to my nourishment and growth.
This has helped give me a good foundation in my interaction with others. Not to ignore, disrespect or disregard anyone else but rather to acknowledge and respect myself more.
July 31, 2018 at 1:46 am #219581RunningParticipantDear Anita,
Since about 4 years ago, my mother started visiting me, maybe once in 1.5-2 years. I do the same, go back to visit my friends and see her.
I thought I would say here that my father passed away 3 years ago. It’s coming up to his anniversary right about now. His death changed something for me, for us. Even if I had already lost him before, when he left our family. I was 10? At that age when I was still wanting to spend lots of time with my parents. I loved them a lot. He had an affair with someone else, and my parents separated and eventually divorced. He set up another family. Fast forward to now. His death was rather unexpected. He got ill but didn’t let me know how ill he was. He passed a week before we were meant to meet up. I never got to say goodbye properly.
I hold very complicated feelings towards him. He let me down. But he had also been the parent to know me and give me some sense of security and love. I’m aware that I’m talking more about my father than my mother when your question was about her. Partly because it’s intertwined for me. Partly because I don’t really have much of a relationship with my mother. Stuckness yes, but we don’t really talk, we don’t have meaningful exchanges. I’ll say more about her later today. I need to step out and clear my head for a bit.
And Prash, thanks for your reply. I want to say more, I’ll be back to do so later.
July 31, 2018 at 8:24 am #219631AnonymousGuestDear Running:
I read your most recent post. Take your time clearing your head and when you return, you can share more about that “Stuckness” with your mother when she visits you and when you visit her. And/ or anything else.
anita
September 5, 2018 at 2:30 pm #224435RunningParticipantHello Anita, and Prash,
It’s me. The short break I needed to take turned out to be much longer in the end. It’s a month or so since my last post.
In this time, I had my summer break. And I attended a mentor’s funeral. It was just a few days apart from my father’s death anniversary. It felt strange.. thinking that she’s gone. She was a kind and good mentor to me, and grieving her loss was so much more straightforward. When I found out that she was very ill, I couldn’t help but burst into tears. It felt so different from when I attended my dad’s funeral – I couldn’t cry then and I felt so put on the spot.
How have you been? I hope you’ve been well. I hope it’s OK that I went away for this long without saying anything.
September 5, 2018 at 8:38 pm #224443PrashParticipantDear Running,
Good to read from you and great to have you back here.
I have been well, thank you so much for your response and enquiring. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mentor. Hope you are coping well.
Zero issues on any commitments here 🙂
How have you been doing? Looking forward to read from you.
September 6, 2018 at 5:44 am #224479AnonymousGuestDear Running:
Welcome back to your thread.
You wrote regarding your mentor: “grieving her loss was so much more straightforward.. I couldn’t help but burst into tears. It felt so different from when I attended my dad’s funeral- I couldn’t cry then and I felt so put on the spot”. The difference is probably due to the fact that you weren’t conflicted about your mentor, not as conflicted as you were about your father. So there was just sadness and its expression, crying.
If you want to re-read your thread, first page and this second page, please do. There are a lot of things that were brought up. If you want to address or re-address any particular thing, please do.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 