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Rollercoaster in a Tornado and Homeless

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • April 2, 2014 at 10:36 pm #54057
    Kevin M. Norris
    Participant

    I am a Tiny Buddha forum newbie, but I need words of support, encouragement and insight anywhere I can find it.

    As of tomorrow morning sans an 11th hour reprieve I will be homeless, my rock bottom. I am a 48 year old gay bi-polar male with a upper middle class upbringing, college education, gifted published writer, entrepreneur and flying trapeze student. One might say this should not have happened to me. But it did and I am the reason for this demise. I made many foolish choices and often made no choice at all. Becoming homeless is a culmination of these decisions and I am now faced with the greatest challenge I have ever had to face or hope to face.

    I am fraught with worry, overwhelmed with anxiety and scared shitless. I am also mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted by the life I have chosen to live over the past 6 – 8 years. This is where the roller coaster in a tornado metaphor comes in. I have a hard on for living on the edge and the edge has been a dangerous self defeating precipice into an abyss from which I will not return if I go any further.

    I know I don’t have to face this alone and that many others have hit rock bottom, learned, grew and became far better off for having gone through it. There you have it. I turn to you Tough Times forum for your insights and wisdom.

    Thank you for listening and sharing your thoughts.

    Kevin M

    April 3, 2014 at 2:31 am #54065
    Izzy Verglas
    Participant

    It sounds like you’re someone who needs to have a sense of impending chaos in your life! Given that on some level you enjoy it – you must choose to see this experience as freeing and a challenge for you to throw yourself into the fray of. Ultimately you wound up in this situation because on some level you needed this experience – whatever is going to happen is going to be a lesson or challenge your being needed on some level. You’re a soldier who needs adversity to bring out the best in you. One day once this challenge has passed you’ll find you want to focus on smaller, subtler challenges with a higher resolution of chaos in a smaller way – but not today! Today you’ve got the fight of your life on your hands! X

    April 3, 2014 at 3:05 am #54067
    Kevin M. Norris
    Participant

    Hi Izzy!

    Very perceptive and insightful. Yes, on some level I enjoy the chaos and the fray. It’s an odd thing to enjoy indeed. I would much rather the same joy from self affirming behavior rather than self defeating and self destructive behaviors. Perhaps there was a need I was fulfilling, but it’s served its purpose and it is very old hat. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Healthy choices that celebrate my essence rather than diminish me are long overdue. Thank you for responding Izzy!

    April 3, 2014 at 3:28 am #54073
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Kevin

    I dont have any words of wisdom for you except for what you already know – we are 100 percent responsible for whatever that happens in our lives each moment of the day. You already have the wisdom within your being.

    I wish you all the best in your journey and may this journey bring heaps of peace, purpose and fulfilment in your life. I know you will be fine as my inner self tells me that 🙂

    Sending you heaps of positive energy and self-acceptance,

    J

    April 3, 2014 at 3:51 am #54075
    Kevin M. Norris
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine!

    Thank you for your words of affirmation, your well wishes and positive energy. Your energy exuded off the page and into my soul. It was a great post to wake up to. I don’t suspect that I will see my homelessness as anything different than a really big series of bad choices and failures, for now. In time the silver lining and purpose will reveal itself.and I know I will be at peace. I just have to hold on very tightly whilst this bumpy ride comes to an end.

    April 5, 2014 at 5:41 pm #54314
    Vironika Tugaleva
    Participant

    Dear Kevin,

    I speak from experience when I say that – once we find a way to get peace without buying or stealing it, we use it.

    Once a cocaine addict finds a way to feel that exhilaration without drugs, he never goes back. Marathon runners do not pick up meth. Skydivers don’t break into banks.

    We all have emotional needs. One of those needs is a feeling of interconnection to everything around us. If we can only have that feeling in a chemical haze or in a dangerous self-destructive phase, that is where we will go.

    Your external circumstances are caused by your behaviours. Your behaviours are caused by your emotions. Your emotions are caused by your quality of thought.

    What feelings are you trying to get with the behaviours that have led you here? Do you believe this is the only way to get those feelings?

    I also speak from experience when I know that rock bottom is the best place to sit and think. It is a great place to build a healthy mindset.

    Sending you love and peace,

    Vironika

    April 14, 2014 at 5:46 am #54750
    Kevin M. Norris
    Participant

    Hi Vironika!

    You are spot on with your insights! Thank you! What feelings am I trying to get from the behaviors that led me to where I am? Also, what feelings am I trying to avoid? These are two questions that I am diligently moving towards the answers followed by the solutions.

    When you hit rock bottom the only place to look is up.

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