Hi everyone,

As mentioned in the title, I have never taken well to change.

In specific, my life situation is very different from what it was a couple of months earlier.

Just to set a context, I want to a write a line or two about my family. We have been through extremely tough times. We have not spent time together, not had a meal together, never went on a vacation together. Basically we never made any memories. My sister and I did not have a very good relationship with my father. This has left a good in our heart. We have sort of made peace with it now, not completely though but enough to go on and live our lives. We have been in depression on and off. My mother spent the last many years taking care of my dad who was very ill and almost confined to the bed. All of us have been depressed on and off. We ve never grown up with cousins. Not been close to relatives.

A couple of months earlier, my father left his mortal coil. Everything changed after that. My mother has always been a strong lady who took care of all important things around the house but once my father passed on, my mother has grown weak, physically and emotionally. She has grown tender towards me. My sister has gotten married recently and I might get married by the end of this year. I am really worried if I can let go off my mother. If we had good times as a family, maybe my feelings would have been different. I feel extremely sad that we have intimately suffered as a family. I find it hard to accept the fact that mom could get lonely and also because she has never had a joyous marriage/family life. Through all this I have been extremely attached to my family always trying to make ours “a happy family”. It never happened though. No matter how much I tried, nothing got better. Dad was snatched away in a minute. This(death) gives me tremendous perspective about attachment. I try not to get overprotective of my mother and sister and remind myself that they have to walk their journey.

Everything is changing so fast. It’s scaring me and more so because we have never been a “normal” family. I am so worried my mother might feel lonely and at the same time I don’t want to get too attached. I have been hurt before by attachments. I am so confused, scared, worried, trying to heal from the past. It feels like I have had my share of suffering in this life time but I wish it was that easy. I know healing will take time.

Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to vent. I am really grateful that I am in a much better place compared to several other people. There is food on the table everyday, a roof above our head, a job. I am grateful for all this.

If there is any advice from you ll ,I would love read it:)

Wishing you all a wonderful day ahead:)