I feel so lucky to have found this site and I just feel it came to me at the right time. I hope my problem doesn’t sound too self indulgent, but I really could use some support and advice right now.
I am a 35 year old woman who had two long term relationships from age 18-27 and then 27-31. The first one, I left him because I no longer loved him and while it was very sad, he is in my thoughts fondly although we don’t have contact any more. It was the right thing to end. Almost immediately (4 months later) I got together with another man, and felt such intense passion – we had an intense roller coaster of a relationship which was ultimately to be the relationship which would break my heart. He walked out on me very suddenly with no warning and I never saw him again. It destroyed me- we had been planning on getting pregnant- and I still don’t really understand it. I found out he was engaged to someone else within a year. It hurt like absolute hell. I was floored. I became a different person, my outlook changed, I lost my sense of self so badly and it took literally years to build all that back up again. In some ways I am still not completely the same, because I know what it feels like to hurt that much. I guess that is what makes us all human though, and why this site exists.
Anyway, I’m proud to say that last year I got to the point where I was ok again. CBT really helped, and my friends. I now own my own apartment and run my own business. Apart from feeling really really aware of how much I wanted a relationship and family, the day to day was OK. But I’m now 35 and my clock is ticking, as well as my heart, which has been alone for so long.
Then just before Christmas I met someone else. As it turns out, a similar person, who struggled with a bad breakup. We were together for about six months, but throughout that time I felt more anxiety than happiness. It was so up and down. He would be extremely, extremely into me one minute and then pull away for days. I spent six months on edge. We had fun together, don’t get me wrong, but it was about 30% fun and 70% anxiety inducing. And (as I wrote in another post) I ended up calling him on it and he said that while he wanted to keep me in his life, keep seeing me and sleeping with me, he couldn’t see a future with love in it because he was too broken, and he couldn’t give me that future, so we ended it (just last week). Since then I have been ruminating a lot, feeling the same rush of emotions I had from my previous break up and just being absolutely terrified that I am going to be alone for another 4 years. Its like I am reliving the past breakup. It took 4 years to find someone with whom I felt an emotional connection. That is not an easy thing to find, particularly not when you are in your mid thirties and literally all your friends are married with children. I am so terrified of being alone forever, and I can’t seem to stop the “here we go again” cycle of thinking. I woke up the other morning having a panic attack. The anxiety is taking over, and I just want it to stop.
While I have this going on, there are other times that I feel proud of myself for being able to say no to something that wasn’t healthy, obviously part of me wants to go running back to him and say OK, I can do it, lets just keep going like you said. Because at least I’d have him in my life in some way. But that is a bad way to think. I also think at times there is something wrong with me, because if he’d liked me more or I’d been different he’d have made it work. And that is where the cycle begins- if I make this about me, I’ll be dragged back to where I was before.
Thank you for reading this far, if you have. I hope I don’t sound defeatist. Its very hard when you feel like everyone around you has this family life, these relationships, and children, and I know I have a lot of love to give and I don’t want that to be wasted.
I would really appreciate anyone’s thoughts on reliving old emotional pain, and on emotional connection, or in fact any advice you may have for me at all! Thank you.