Relationship loss to co-dependency? Request for Advice

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 28, 2018 at 5:20 am #209707

Anonymous
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Dear Joe:

When the two of you were together, “it is magical, respectful, considerate and we are very compatible- food, affection, TV, chores, intimacy, discussions, music, etc.”

So you figure, it is my understanding, that if she attended psychotherapy and if she changes her relationship with her family, if she no longer drives 4 hours round trip every weekend and holiday to cater to her family, then she will spend more of that “magical, respectful, considerate” time with you, correct?

Here is an interesting thing, to me: if she does attend psychotherapy and changes her relationship with her family, she is not likely to be the same person with you that she has been so far. There will be conflicts with you, conflicts not evident before.

What drives her to be as involved with her family as she is, is her anxiety. She … needs to do what she does. It calms down that anxiety. She does her best with her family and she does her best with you. This is how she functions as well as she does, that is, she is able to keep a full time job, do what she needs to do, pay bills, do chores etc.

Disrupt her life and you disrupt what holds her together. What you get is not the same behavior anymore, not that magical time together that you had before.

Of course, her relationship with her family is unhealthy, but the healing from it, if she gets engaged in it, will be a long process, an unsettling process, part of which will be that your very relationship with her during-the-week will be disrupted and will need to be renegotiated.

anita

May 28, 2018 at 7:06 am #209723
Airene
Participant
Hello Joe,

I am wondering if you ever offer to go with her on any of the weekends she goes to see her family? Not because I think you should do that, but just wondering if you ever have. I am also wondering if she sees the dynamic with her family as being unhealthy?

I agree that the relationship with her family is dysfunctional and not healthy. As to your questions about it being possible to get her to see a therapist, and if you are being an idiot…

The best chance of her changing the dynamic with her family is for her to see that it needs to change and for her to want to change it. Up to this point, you have been the one that wants it to change. She seems okay continuing in this cycle, in spite of returning worn out and sick. You can talk about it and plead and beg and set all kinds of boundaries, but what it comes down to is that she is not willing to change it.

I wonder what would happen if you, in fact, left her. I think her response to you doing that would be the best indication as to whether you would be an idiot for hoping for a happy, healthy relationship. I believe in her mind, you are important to her and she loves you. But she wants to do what she wants to do. You want her to say that you and your relationship with her is more important than her family, and she isn’t willing to do that. She isn’t willing to do that because there is no real consequence to her at this point, other than listening to your distress about her family.

You have been doing this for 2.5 years with her. Ask yourself if you are willing to spend another 2.5 years doing the same thing – Hoping for things to change, begging and pleading with her to change the situation with her family? What I anticipate happening is that it won’t change, but your feelings about it will rise closer to the surface and you will voice your frustration more often. How do you think you will feel then?

I will also add that you have the option of accepting this dynamic with her family as part of who she is. It’s not much different than a relationship where one person, say, smokes, and the other person doesn’t like it, but loves everything else about the relationship and the person. You can decide if you will tolerate it or not.

Airene
- This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Airene.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Airene.
May 28, 2018 at 12:32 pm #209785

Inky
Participant

Hi Joe,

Her relationship with her family is nuts! Why can she not move closer? Does no one in the family feel guilty? Can you call each household yourself and implore them to visit HER? Can you flip the script and invite THEM to a holiday? Can the family meet at a restaurant or theme park an hour in the middle?

It sounds like she NEEDS her family by “taking care of them” even thought the family takes her for granted. This is because she doesn’t have children of her own, and, I agree to calm her anxiety.

I wonder what will ultimately happen when the parents are dead and the nieces and nephews are on their own and her siblings retire and move.

Yes, this is one of those things where you can either tell her, “This is not normal, goodbye” or accept her the way she is, neurosis and all.

Best,

Inky

May 28, 2018 at 4:48 pm #209813

Joe
Participant

Anita, Inky and Airene,

I would like to thank you for your advice, guidance and insight. Thank you for a fresher, different perspective — I know that I am too close and would not be able to see it through your eyes . . . .

Again, thank you very much.

Sincerely,

Joe

May 29, 2018 at 2:19 am #209861

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Joe. Post again, if you would like, anytime.

anita
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