Dear Substantial:

I am looking forward to reading ad replying to you in the next few hours or so.

anita

Dear Substantial:

Based on the detailed post and the questions you asked at the end, I can infer certain aspects of your childhood experiences that shaped some of your current behavior and feelings in the relationship.

It’s possible that as a child, you experienced a parentification dynamic where you took on caregiving responsibilities for your parents or siblings, placing yourself on the sidelines and prioritizing their needs. This often leads to an ingrained need to please others and take care of them at the expense of one’s own needs.

Growing up in a home where a parent’s love and approval are conditional on a child’s ability to please the parent or meet their needs, often results in a pattern of over-giving to seek validation and affection.

If your caregivers/ parents were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or neglectful, you could have developed a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear can manifest in adult relationships as anxiety, clinginess, and the need for constant reassurance.

The anxiety you feel when trying to focus on your own life rather than over-giving suggests a strong fear that you might lose your partner’s love and attention if you don’t constantly prioritize her needs (same as what you feared as a child: that if you don’t always prioritize a parent’s needs, you will get any love or positive attention?)

Growing up in a critical or invalidating home leads to low self-esteem, internalizing beliefs that you are not worthy of love unless you are constantly giving and pleasing others.

The constant overthinking and questioning of the relationship indicate deep-rooted insecurities about your worth and the stability of the relationship.

I would like to try and answer the questions you asked toward the end of your original post:

1. “Am I too needy?”- It’s natural to want affection and attention in a relationship. Reflecting on whether these needs stem from childhood/ past experiences (before you met your partner) or current dynamics can help you understand and address them better.

2. “Do I have low self-esteem?”- Your post does indicate struggles with self-esteem. Building self-worth independently of the relationship (perhaps within psychotherapy) is crucial.

3. “Does she really love and care about me?”- Love can be expressed in different ways, and sometimes mismatched love languages can create misunderstandings. Maybe your love language is Acts of Service, and hers is Words of Affirmation (I don’t know). Honest conversations about how you both express and perceive love can provide clarity.

You wrote: “For me, the concept of love is you are there to give to the other person, be a source of happiness and peace for that person”- But if you grew up unloved, unhappy and not in peace- without significant healing since (as in psychotherapy), it is not possible for a romantic partner to make you feel loved, happy and in peace, not for long, no matter how hard she may try.

You wrote: “I then tell her that even if she puts in the effort, it comes after I’ve asked for it, making it seem forced. To which she tells me I don’t give her space to do anything for me”- You have specific expectations about how care and affection should be expressed in the relationship (love language). Your girlfriend might feel pressured to meet these expectations, feeling controlled and confined to your love language. She may perceive that there is little room for her own way of expressing care (her own love language).

The fact that you ask for certain actions and then feel the efforts are forced highlights a dynamic where her possibly spontaneous acts of care/ love are less valued, maybe they go unnoticed. In other words, you may see the expression of love rigidly, as in almost limited to one love language, and you’ve been trying to force her to express her love in that one language, dismissing or not even noticing her own love language or languages.

You wrote: “She thinks she can’t make me happy, no matter what she does I always complain and whine about it”- her statement suggests that your need for validation may be insatiable. Indeed, when needs from childhood are significantly or severely unmet for too long, no amount of love in adulthood can satisfy those unmet needs, not without a healing process such that can take place within competent psychotherapy.

The communication issues and arguments within the relationship highlight that both partners, you and your girlfriend, are likely triggering each other’s emotional wounds. Your need for constant reassurance might trigger her feelings of inadequacy or pressure, while her perceived lack of love triggers your fears of being unloved and unworthy of love.

4. “Am I with the right person?”- Determining if you’re with the right person involves assessing compatibility, shared values, and mutual respect. It is possible that you’ve been re-experiencing, at least in part, your past childhood struggles in the context of your romantic relationship as an adult.

5. “Is this how relationships work?”- Healthy relationships shouldn’t lead to one person feeling consistently undervalued or anxious. So, no, it is not how a healthy relationship works.

6. “What went wrong between us? (As for the early 7-8 months in the relationship, we never fought)”- Initial phases of relationships often involve the “honeymoon period” where conflicts are minimal, a period of time when you felt loved perhaps. As the relationship progresses, differences and unmet needs (from childhood and otherwise) surface.

7. “Am I being too feminine?”- Attributes like nurturing, empathy, and expressing feelings are not inherently feminine or masculine; they are human traits. It’s important to embrace and honor your authentic self without labeling these qualities as feminine or masculine.

8. “Do I love her more than she loves me?”- reads to me that you need her more than she needs you, a need that was born in childhood, way before you met her.

9. “Is she using me?”- reflect on what are the advantages to her in the relationship with you, what are the practical and emotional benefits for her?

10. “Is she right to be self-centered, and that’s how one should be in a relationship, or she’s a narcissist?”- I’ll answer this with a question: growing up, who was indeed self-centered, very self-centered, not even noticing what you needed, what you felt and needed?

anita

Dear Substantial:

Thank you for sharing more about your experiences. It’s clear that this relationship is bringing up significant anxiety and feelings of unmet needs for you. It’s good that you’ve communicated your needs to her in regard to your love language. Let’s she how she responds, if she does.

“I also want to say that having a bad childhood is not the only reason I am unhappy in the relationship, although your comment does seem to imply that. I think it is essential to consider how my girlfriend has been showing up in the relationship, too, which I find less than satisfactory”-

– I understand that having a difficult childhood is not the only factor contributing to your unhappiness in the relationship with your girlfriend. It’s important to consider both your childhood experiences and how your girlfriend is showing up in the relationship.

I want to emphasize that both aspects can be true simultaneously: your unmet needs from childhood affecting your expectations and experiences in the relationship, and at the same time, your girlfriend’s behavior being less than satisfactory and contributing to your unhappiness.

Today you shared about your father’s alcoholism and abusive behavior. Your mother endured a lot of emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse, which you witnessed. This situation caused you (and would cause any child) to feel helpless and anxious on an ongoing basis.

To help your situation- in which you found yourself through no fault of your own- and reduce your consequent anxiety, you took on the parentified role of protecting your mother, taking on responsibilities that a child is not equipped to take, neither mentally nor emotionally.

While the aim in taking on adult’s responsibilities is to lower tension in the home and consequently, lower the child’s anxiety, the responsibility of continuously managing and mitigating household tension leads to increased anxiety on the part of the child because the child is continuously vigilant and prepared for the next conflict or outburst. This state of hyper-awareness keeps the child on edge, unable to relax.

While your parentified actions may have temporarily reduced immediate tension in the home, the long-term emotional burden of parentification increased your anxiety. The constant vigilance, overwhelming responsibility, and unresolved trauma of witnessing a lot of abuse contributed to your heightened anxiety, even as you tried to create a safer environment for your mother.

Also, while some of your mother’s intentions were for your well-being, her inability to accept your “NO” and passive forcefulness into things she deemed right might have led you to feel her love was conditional, at least at times.

Currently, as an adult, you choose to live with your parents. The dynamics and tensions in the home improved, but are still there, and you continue to protect and support your mother. Living with parents is common in your country, but your reasons are deeply tied to the emotional and physical safety of your mother.

You wrote today in regard to your current anxiety in the context of living with your parents: “While my anxiety has gotten significantly less regarding these family matters, it’s not entirely gone”. A few days ago, you wrote this in regard to your anxiety in the context of your relationship with your girlfriend: “I wake up every morning extremely anxious, and it’s been ruining my sleep”. Actually, the title of your thread includes the words “Relationship Anxiety”, referring to your relationship with your girlfriend-

– it is quite common for anxiety to shift from one context to another, especially when it has its roots in early life experiences and unresolved emotional issues. The anxiety rooted in early life experiences, such as living in an abusive or unstable household, can become ingrained in a person’s emotional and psychological makeup. If these issues are not adequately addressed and healed, they can resurface in different contexts, such as romantic relationships. When faced with similar emotional triggers in a new context, such as a romantic relationship, the old anxiety resurfaces.

Based on your description of your girlfriend, she does exhibit self-centered and selfish behaviors, at least to some extent.

This is the very beginning of your original post: “I find my gf too self-centered. I don’t know how to feel about that. It seems as if she hesitates to go out of her way to do anything for me or will choose the most convenient path to please or be there for me. On the other hand, I find myself making compromises a lot to be there for her or to please her. So much so that I am completely losing myself in this relationship”-

– integrating this quote with what you shared in your 2nd post, it seems like the dynamics of your romantic relationship are mirroring the dynamics you have experienced in your relationship with your mother. This pattern can be a trigger and lead to similar feelings of anxiety, self-sacrifice, and emotional neglect.

* It’s important to recognize that people can exhibit complex and sometimes contradictory behaviors. An abused wife, like your mother, can still display self-centered or selfish behaviors, even if she is also a victim of abuse: (1) she chose to stay in an abusive relationship partly due to her fear of societal judgment and the stigma of divorce. This decision, while understandable, prioritized her fears over her son’s need for a safer and more stable environment. (2) Her emotional and financial dependence on her husband, despite his abusive behavior, might have led her to prioritize her need for his presence over her son’s well-being. (3) She struggles to accept her son’s/ your “NO” and would passively force you into things she thought were right for you and her. This behavior suggests a lack of consideration for your autonomy and preferences. By not respecting your boundaries and pushing you into actions she deemed appropriate, she exerted control over you, prioritizing her desires over your independence. (4) By not seeking external help or considering separation, she indirectly forced you to bear the emotional weight of the family’s dysfunction, prioritizing her comfort over your emotional health.

In summary: while your mother was undoubtedly a victim of abuse and faced significant challenges, her actions and decisions also exhibited self-centeredness and selfishness as she prioritized her own needs and fears, often at the expense of considering your need for safety and emotional well-being. Similarly, your girlfriend is self-centered, hesitating to go out of her way to support you and often choosing the most convenient path for herself.

As a child and onward, you felt compelled to prioritize your mother’s needs, trying to protect her and manage the household tension. As an adult, in your romantic relationship, you find yourself making numerous compromises to please your girlfriend, to the point of losing yourself in the relationship.

The self-centered behavior of your girlfriend likely triggers similar emotions and anxieties that you experienced in your childhood with your mother.

People often unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror their early experiences, even if those experiences were negative. This repetition compulsion happens because these patterns feel familiar, even if they are harmful. Recognizing that these patterns exist is a crucial first step. Understanding that your romantic relationship is triggering similar dynamics to those you experienced with your mother can provide valuable insight.

Remember, you deserve a relationship where both partners feel loved, supported, and respected. I’m here for you if you want to talk more about this.

anita

Dear Substantial:

You are very welcome, and thank you for honestly sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is Mon afternoon here, and I am looking forward to reading your post attentively Tues morning and respond then: be back to you tomorrow!

anita

Dear Substantial:

Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and concerns with me. It’s clear that you’re grappling with a complex and difficult situation, and I appreciate your openness.

It’s understandable to feel unsure about the root causes of your relationship dynamics. Therapy can provide different perspectives, but ultimately, understanding your feelings and experiences is a personal journey. It may not be possible to pinpoint one definitive cause because multiple factors and their interplay contribute to a complex situation.

It’s insightful that you’re reflecting on the idea of conditional love. While it’s natural to feel that your expectations stem from your girlfriend’s behavior, it’s also important to consider how your own past and present experiences and patterns- within your home- play a role. It’s not about assigning blame but about understanding the dynamics at play.

Acknowledging your girlfriend’s lack of empathy and her unwillingness to seek therapy is significant. It’s crucial for both partners in a relationship to be willing to work on themselves and the relationship. Her defensiveness and hurtful comments indicate a lack of emotional support, which is understandably difficult for you.

The cognitive dissonance you’re experiencing is natural when faced with conflicting thoughts and emotions. It’s important to learn to listen to and trust your inner voice in regard to what is true and right for you.

The additional challenges of different religious backgrounds and parental approval add another layer of complexity. It’s crucial to be confident in your relationship before addressing these external pressures.

“I feel my expectations and emotions of anxiety and confusion are rooted in the self-centered and empathy-lacking behaviors of my gf. At the same time, I am also not sure if that’s the case…I also agree with your view on my mother. I reflected on what you said. She is indeed passively forceful, not at times, but most of the time. She just can’t take NO for an answer. She creates drama and breaks out emotionally as if I insulted or hurt her by saying things like, ‘Of course, you are never there for your mother,’ or ‘You don’t value me,’ and more”-

– Constant emotional drama and manipulation by a mother like yours, and so it happens, mine as well, create a sense of anxiety and insecurity in a child, be it a son or a daughter. It made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, constantly trying to avoid triggering emotional outbursts from my mother.

Being told things like “You are never there for your mother” or “You don’t value me” instill deep-seated guilt and self-doubt in a son or daughter. I repeatedly felt like I was not doing enough, no matter how much I tried, and ultimately I felt not good enough as a person, and therefore, not deserving good things like being accepted, appreciated, respected and loved.

A mother who can’t take “No” for an answer teaches her son- or daughter- that setting boundaries is unacceptable. This can make it very difficult to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in other relationships, including romantic ones.

The fear of causing emotional pain or being perceived as unloving by one’s own mother can lead to a fear of abandonment. This fear may cause the son- or daughter- to stay in unhealthy relationships out of fear of losing the other person.

Experiencing conditional love from one’s mother can lead to feeling that you need to earn love and acceptance through your actions, rather than feeling inherently worthy of love.

“All in all, I am struggling to find the ultimate truth… Let me know what your thoughts are on this, Anita. Thank you for your response, grateful!”- you are welcome and thank you for caring to know my thoughts. My additional thoughts: seems to me that your girlfriend is not right for you, that you need a more empathetic and generous woman, generous with her time and efforts. Seems to me that you’ve been staying in the relationship because of confusion and fear of abandonment.

Based on the totality of what you shared with me, I disagree with the therapist who suggested that you love your gf conditionally based on her actions and affection towards you, implying perhaps that as it is strange or selfish to love a person based on their actions and affection. We all should love a partner in a romantic relationship based on their actions and affection (while not expecting them to be perfect and allowing for times when they can’t support us and need our support).

I agree with the other therapist who agreed with you that your gf wasn’t (adequately) showing up in the relationship.

Thank you again for trusting me with your thoughts and feelings. Take care of yourself, and remember that you are not alone in this journey. I’m here for you, and I believe in your ability to find clarity and contentment.

anita