Dear Dandan:

You are welcome. You wrote today, February 18, 2022, about last Sunday, February 13, five days ago: “Last Sunday I had to go to meet friends…  they forced me and gave in. Drank… She somehow found I was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call…  She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life, and she doesn’t care. The next day when I texted, she again said we shouldn’t text…  that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company” –

– (1) Your friends forced you to drink, you wrote. You went out to meet friends who, like you, are in the habit of drinking. If you really wanted to stop drinking, you wouldn’t have met friends whom you know are like you, in the habit of drinking,

(2) She deleted your number 5 days ago but continued to message you afterwards. Sadly, there is no evidence yet that she has moved on.

“Now my mind is full of her thoughts. Imagining gifs of her laughs, smiles, walk, dressing, hugging, intimacy, everything. I miss her. I was so stupid to let her go” – she has not contacted you in the last couple of days or so, long enough for you to want her again.

April 30, 2021:”my mom is not low and depressed all the time, but most of the time when she is inside the home. She loves going out, eating out in restaurants, going for long drives, tours, and specially going to movie theatres to watch movies. Once we plan to go out somewhere, she becomes more happy and enthusiastic…  With herself, at home, most of the time in my childhood, we used to watch tv a lot. She watches tv programs a lot. She needs some entertainment this way to be normal. Else she is low. She used to tell that it’s so boring and low“-

– You grew up experiencing your mother’s experience: at home, the distraction from the “low and depressed… so boring and low” dominant emotional experience was watching TV. Any positive excitement that happened at home, happened on the TV screen as you passively watched it. When not distracted by TV, home life was low and depressed, so boring and low.

Outside the home, the excitement was about leaving the low and depressed, so boring and experiencing excitement, particularly when part of the outing included watching movies on the big movie theatre screen.

Fast forward, in regard to your sort of ex-girlfriend whom we’ve been discussing, your excitement was not- and is not- about interacting with her in real-life, but about passively watching her on the TV screen inside your brain, that is, your mental TV/ movie theater screen.

When talking to her (or when in her physical company), it feels like being at home without the TV distraction, it feels low and depressed, so boring and low, and heavy: “When I talk to her, I don’t want her, and things feel heavy“.

The positive excitement at home was not happening when actively interacting with your mother and others in the family, it was happening when you passively watched TV, and when you passively watched your mother looking and sounding happy as she watched TV.

I used the term “sort of ex-girlfriend” in regard to the young woman because as I see it, she has been nothing more than a TV girlfriend character, in your experience: one to passively watch on a screen, not one to actively interact with.

You shared: “Whenever I watch a series in Netflix or any happy moments, I can’t stop imagining sharing the joy with her… These images and scenes keep flashing in my mind…. I always lived in an imaginary life with her. Imagining watching movies, having kids, triplets specifically and everything. I was living in imagination” –

– you live in imagination, watching that mental TV screen within your head, images and scenes keep flashing in your mind, your words, images and scenes starring a TV-girlfriend-actress-girlfriend and a second main character representing yourself.

“When I don’t talk to her, I feel I want her, and I miss her” – when you talk to her, she does not compete well with the exciting TV-girlfriend-actress in your imaginings. In comparison, she is dull and boring, and you are no longer excited about her. But when you don’t talk to her, after some time, you forget how dull she is in-person, and you imagine her again as that exciting character on your mental TV screen.

In your original post, April 29, 2021, you shared that you had “this huge interest in going to a European company with a job offer and work there“. You were excited, your mood was elevated. Motivated, you arranged to be interviewed, attended interviews, then “got an offer from a good German company, in Munich. With a decent package“, but you got scared, “didn’t have the guts… can only think about…  how lonely I will get there”. So, you rejected the offer, regretted it immediately, interviewing again, got a second offer, accepted it, got scared, and sent a second email rejecting it. “After a couple of days, I again started regretting the best opportunity that I got ever in my life, for which I worked so hard“-

– my best understanding of the above (in a simplified way, not including all people and all circumstances of your childhood) is that when you were growing up, you watched your mother low and depressed, so boring and low, and as a result, you felt the same. You then watched her more happy and enthusiastic when watching TV or when going out and about and watching movies on the big screen. As a result, you felt the same. But time after time, you watched your mother going from more happy back to low and depressed, and every time it happened, the low and depressed felt even lower. The result: you became very anxious when she looked and sounded more happy because you knew that more low and depressed is next.

Fast forward, you felt more happy and enthusiastic when you imagined having a job in Europe (parallel to anticipating watching TV/ going out and about with your mother), but once it is about to happen, you get anxious because you know that the more low and depressed is next.

You wrote today, February 18, 2022: “I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. Explore many things… my 9-5 tech job. Job isn’t satisfying. Wanna learn swimming too. And martial arts” – you want to make yourself a better-looking movie star in your imaginary TV show/ movie, a better dancer. But your mind and heart will be in a much better, healthier place if you resolve to abandon the TV/ movie mentality and make your life be about…real-life, that is, life as it is, the only one that is available to you.

anita

Dear Dandan,

Yes I agree and i am willing to heal myself. Just making the best of everyday keeps me bit satisfied. Like waking up early going for a walk, working out, etc. Going to add meditation and some martial arts to it. I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. … Wanna learn swimming too.

Here you are going to the opposite extreme of addiction – getting megalomaniac about the healthy things that you’d do. I had this megalomaniac voice in my head too, while I suffered from ED, telling myself I’d be successful and famous, etc. It would last for a few hours or days, but then another voice would take over: the voice of the inner critic, who would tell me that I am a failure and would never amount to anything. It would leave me crushed and I’d return to my ED again. There was a constant battle between these voices in my head, and the inner critic would always win.

I am afraid you are doing the same. In May 2021 you thought you’d boost your self-confidence with workout, and you enrolled in a workout challenge:

As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.

But that lasted for about 3 months:

I worked on my physique for 3 months. During which i was so hurt too and had created this post here. But again later in September i went back to drink and lost all progress that i made till then. It was on and off.

You didn’t get better even though you fulfilled your plan of working out regularly (and abstaining from drinking) for entire 3 months. But then, something tipped you off and you went back to drinking and lost all progress. That’s how it works with addiction unfortunately. If you don’t heal the core wound – it will come back.

I told you that in May too, because I’ve experienced it myself. I know that going into the megalomaniac mode, trying to be “perfect” and live a super disciplined life can only last for so long. And then you crash.

If you really want to stop drinking and get your life in order – on the long run – you need to address deeper, psychological issues. Which have to do with your childhood and upbringing.

You say that your self-esteem is low because you started smoking and drinking pretty young (around 16) and you had bad company:

I realised recently the reason for my depression. Atleast the major reason. It is because of the unhealthy life style i was living since my school.

Well, I don’t think so. You lived a healthy lifestyle recently, for 3 months, and it still didn’t make you happy. The real reason for your depression is deeper, and we talked about it at the beginning of your thread. At the time you didn’t really want to talk about it… but my deep conviction is that healing those childhood wounds is the only way to go, if you want lasting results.

Correction/ clarification to the above: it is not that your mother needed you too much; she needed help too much. Excessively needy and troubled mothers (such as yours and mine) need the help of professional adults such as psychiatrists, psychotherapists and social workers. A child is not capable of giving them the help that they need.

And mothers know this, they do not think of their children as powerful and capable people. After all, they changed the diapers of their children not long before, because their children were not powerful and not capable of standing up or walking or going to the bathroom by themselves.

Many troubled and excessively needy mothers misuse their children’s time and empathy by venting to them, complaining to them, etc., so they are helping themselves to the child in these ways, but the child will try to help his mother beyond what she is already helping herself to, falsely believing that he is powerful and capable enough to cure her troubled mind and make her happy. This is the child’s delusion.

anita

Dear Dandan,

You say that since the beginning of this year you started feeling better, but she was already moving away:

But since the starting of this year i stared feeling better. I made peace with my dream of going out for work, i started feeling normal and happy about being here, had plans for business of something. But by the time i slowly recovered, she was moving away.

However, your description of events and the way you behaved just very recently, even this February, speaks differently – it speaks that you haven’t really changed much.

First, on the New Year’s Eve or thereabout, she told you she missed you and asked you about the prospect of you two being together. You said nothing, because you were unsure and you couldn’t promise her anything:

During this new year she said she misses me, and that we both are anyway not able to move apart, and stuff like that. I was upset because i didn’t make abs till now. And have to start all over again. I couldn’t tell her anything.

Then on January 14, she asked you again, and you again said nothing, because you knew you are the same as before – meaning undecisive:

On Jan 14 she asked how much have i moved on, i did not answer at all cuz i know i was the same as before.

During the entire month of January and beginning of February, you went to your friends to drink. She was in touch with you all this time, telling you she misses you and wants to be with you. But you ignored that, even though you knew that your drinking bothers her and that it makes her feel less for you:

And that everytime I go to my friends to drink her feelings decreases. I didn’t pay attention even still. Even in Feb starting.

In February you went to some festivity, maybe a wedding, and you stayed there for a week, drinking heavily:

Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily. The first day she asked me if i had met someone in the marriage i went and i said no. I was drinking then, she asked me to think about my belly and stop. I said 2 more. And she said i have absolutely no hope. I sent a laughing smiley cuz i was high.

She begged you to stop drinking, you refused and nonchalantly sent her a smiley.

5 days later, she told you that she agreed that her parents start looking for a groom for her. You say it broke you and you regretted all your drinking and partying. You also express your interest – for the first time – to be with her again:

5 days later, i got a message from her saying she agreed to her parents to look for profiles for her. I was so regretting going to friends that time. As she told it i broke down, i asked aren’t we gonna try us again.

She was reluctant to reconsider, but you were trying to convince her, and it lasted for several days, you two were having long talks. Eventually she said no:

She got so mad that day and said she doesn’t want this and i was so late etc. Hours and hours of conversation. But i broke down and started convincing her. She didn’t agree. Next day she said this wont workout at all.

You weren’t too broken about it. You continued to have a casual chat with her. It felt like talking to an ex:

That day evening o started talking casually with her. She too replied. I understood it was a casual conversation with ex. We had casual chat for a week i guess.

Finally, last Sunday you went to another wedding and eventually started drinking. When she called you, you were too drunk to act sober, so you chose not to answer the phone:

And again last Sunday i had to go to meet friends for another marriage. This time i resisted a lot for drinking. But finally they forced me and gave in. Drank. And that time she had sent me a video and asked translation for it on my language, i didn’t reply for long. She somehow found i was drinking and suddenly called me up. I didn’t pick up the call as i for paniked. Didn’t have any excuse to tell.

That’s when she decided to delete your number from her contacts and told you she doesn’t want to speak to you again:

She deleted my number from her contacts. Her replies were different from then. She said like it is my life and she doesn’t care. The next day when i texted, she again said we shouldn’t text. She had explained everything already. It was a lengthy conversation. She said everything, asking me to leave her alone etc. And that she doesn’t want a husband who drinks a lot. Who has bad company. And also other reasons like she had already moved on when i left her last year. She says it is not a sudden decision the the process that happened since last year. I understood that.

It is interesting that now, when she finally deleted your number and chose not to speak to you again – now you feel devastated and broken. But only a week earlier, when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you, you weren’t too affected. You continued to chat casually with her. You felt fine chatting to her like to an ex.

This tells me that you don’t miss her as a potential life partner and wife, but as someone nice and caring on the other side of the line, talking to you sometimes, when you feel depressed and lonely. That’s why you are panicking now, when this caring person on the other side of the line is gone. You didn’t panic when she told you she doesn’t want to be with you. But you did panic when she told you she doesn’t want to communicate with you any more.

It seems you needed her as a listening ear, not as a partner to share your life with. Perhaps she was cheering you on, encouraging you while you were depressed and drinking. You needed that positive, encouraging voice, but you didn’t really want to give up drinking. To really change. You wanted the status quo to continue.

As for your drinking, Dandan, you say you’re not a drunkard and that you can lead a life without alcohol:

I am not addicted to alcohol, like i need alcohol into my blood. … I am not a drunkard.

I also replaced that pleasure from drinks with the habit of workouts. … Working out and seeking results is itself a getting high feeling.

Maybe in the beginning you felt good about working out, but after a while maintaining a strict workout regime was hard, and you started drinking again: “was still struggling with my workouts. Lost progress. I was so obsessed with six packs abs.  But kept drinking till the end.”

You were drinking in the same period while you were working out. So working out cannot replace your need to drink, at least not in the long run.

Also, you were making good progress with your workout in January, but in spite of that, you went to your friends to a drinking spree, which lasted for an entire week. Meaning, again, that workout didn’t replace your need for alcohol:

Since Jan i am making good progress in workout.  But in Feb once i went to meet friends for some occasion and stuck there for a week drinking day heavily.

Also, you are telling yourself you are only drinking because of company. But you know that your company is a drinking company, those are your buddies whom you go on drinking sprees regularly. You know what will happen once you go those parties.

I already decided that was the last few of my drinking days, at least regular drinking spree. I was not like before with an intention to drink always and not to care about anything. I changed, i drank that day only because of a social gathering.

Whenever you go out with your friends, you always end up getting wasted. You can’t drink in moderation. Which means you do have a drinking problem. The sooner you admit it to yourself, the better.

If you would like to really work on your healing – both from emotional wounds and from addiction – I am here to help. But I can’t help you if you are denying that you have a problem.

Dear Dandan,

It is encouraging to read that you accept that you have a drinking problem and have decided to seek help. I am not sure if there are tests to determine the severity of someone’s drinking problem, but please do consult either a recovery center or an AA support group. Perhaps they can also suggest a good psychotherapist, or you can look up one on the internet, because it would help you a lot to have someone – a compassionate professional – to support you and guide you in your recovery.

Last week when i went to my friends, i surprisingly resisted and said I don’t want to drink, in the first party i didn’t drink while my friends had. In the second party i denied a lot that i don’t want to drink but when they insisted so much, i gave in and started drinking. But me saying no at first is an improvement in me i feel.

Yes, it’s a good sign. Also that you told your friends that you want to quit. But don’t count on your friends to guard you from drinking. They are probably heavy drinkers, and you suddenly, after 17 years, changing your habits might annoy them. They probably won’t be supportive in helping you quit. That’s why the best would be to stop going to those drinking parties. Because you yourself realized that “When i start drinking i have no control”. Better don’t put yourself in such situations, where the temptation is super high and the chance of getting drunk is 100%.

I know it will be hard though because you have used alcohol to numb your pain, to forget. But you have also realized that numbing your pain via substance abuse only causes you greater pain, in all areas of life. And that’s why I am really glad to read this from you:

I will also work on reversing the effects of childhood issues. And i want to heal my inner self and want to be able to handle any emotional feelings. For now I think I need to go through this pain and no other option.

Yes, facing emotional wounds will cause you temporary pain, but it’s a good, cleansing pain. It’s like putting alcohol on a wound – it hurts but it’s necessary for disinfection. You don’t want to let this wound fester any longer and ruin more and more of your life. You want it healed.

I loved her a lot, but i was so obsessed with working out of country, body building and some career that i thought that is more important than love and marriage life.

It’s not just that you were obsessed about other things, and haven’t prioritized her. You would also always get the “heavy feeling” when being with her. That’s why you couldn’t say Yes to marrying her. Don’t forget about that. You do need to heal the reasons for this heavy feeling that you get in intimate relationships.

Anita gave an excellent possible explanation for it, summing it up: “a woman loves me => she needs me too much = she takes too much out of me=> I become so heavy and very weak.” This can very well be the subconscious thought process in you, i.e. the way your subconscious mind is wired. Subconscious mind is also known as the inner child… so healing the inner child, and specially his belief that love is heavy, will be crucial.

When i say i am not a drunkard i am saying it to myself that i am not.

It’s good that you don’t take on the identity of a drunkard. You do have a drinking problem, but this is not who you really are. You are a brilliant and unique human being, like we all are. You are not a horrible person, as you called yourself recently, but you are wounded. Please don’t see yourself as bad, or evil, or doomed.  See yourself as a currently wounded, but beautiful soul, who can heal and shine with his true light!