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Regretful

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  • August 29, 2018 at 7:36 am #223531
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jean115:

    I think I would have lost my patience too, if I was in your place. He should have made talking with you face to face a priority that weekend, a priority over helping a friend move!

    You officially ended the relationship but reads to me that it was dying for a while before you called it officially dead.

    You asked, “Do I try to rekindle?” If you try to rekindle and succeed, wouldn’t you be bringing something dead back to being almost dead?

    anita

    August 29, 2018 at 7:46 am #223533
    Rose
    Participant

    Honestly, I would give it more time. It’s important to take time to yourself after an important relationship no matter how you’re feeling. It may not just be that you miss him, but also miss being in a relationship, and of course you miss the future you thought you had together. Pay attention to how you continue to feel, but two weeks is not enough time to sort through everything properly. Sending good vibes ❤️

    August 29, 2018 at 7:57 am #223547
    Mark
    Participant

    jean115,

    I see every relationship as a learning opportunity about myself, who I am and how I “do” relationship.

    Examine why things have not worked, what was your part in this and what was his.  You already pointed out your insecurity and fears.  You have experienced his fears; his lack of communication and commitment.

    You have experienced his actions/non-actions in wanting this relationship.  Wake up and smell the coffee and then proceed accordingly.

    Mark

    August 29, 2018 at 7:58 am #223549
    jean115
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your insight. I think that also, about bringing something dead back to life. A relationship shouldn’t be so one sided, the glue wont’ ever stick. If anything at this point, he should make and effort for closure -if nothing else. I think I did everything I could, give him space needed, make and effort to talk. Not sure if i could’ve done more?

    I’m just stuck in the mode of trying to figure out what happened- so many questions. Heartbroken and a mess. Can’t let it go. I has this overwhelming need to know why he gave up so I can move on. Was it me? Was his life was too hectic and he didn’t have space for me. Is this just how he functions in relationships? How do I pick up the pieces and become whole again?

    Jean

    August 29, 2018 at 8:07 am #223553
    jean115
    Participant

    Thank you, Rose and Mark.

    Time and retrospect haven’t been on my agenda. Keep wanting to find the answers, solve this and move on. Time heals and I will wait for clarity.

    August 29, 2018 at 8:10 am #223555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jean:

    In regards to “Was it me?”- I am leaning towards No, it wasn’t you. My reason is because he wasn’t fully in the relationship from the very beginning, so it wasn’t like he was in, got to know you and then withdrew. He was withdrawn from the beginning before knowing you and remained so.

    Reads to me that he had significant misgivings about having a relationship at all, concerns, distress that he had before he met you. What do you think?

    anita

    August 29, 2018 at 8:28 am #223565
    jean115
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, these were my thoughts throughout our relationship. I always tried to shrug them off, thought it was just my insecurities from my past relationships, so I dug deep and try to work on myself more. Weekly therapy, books, journaling, meditating, the works.

    He often spoke about his previous marriage and other failed relationships. I assumed, at our ages it was just part of it, we all had past relationship issues- some harder to heal from than others. The thing that stuck out was how he insisted that he picked/was attracted to dysfunctional women (which made me fearful of showing any sort of dysfunction). He never spoke of his accountability in these failed relationships. Which was a red flag that I chose to suppress due to his many, many other redeeming qualities and his very healthy outlook on the rest of life’s challenges.

    My last words to him were “it’s not your fault, you just don’t know how to be in something with someone.” Sigh! I guess I always knew.

    Jean

     

    August 29, 2018 at 8:57 am #223575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jean:

    That he “never spoke of his accountability in these failed relationships”, and spoke only about the women in his life as the dysfunctional  ones, that is a red flag, I agree.

    “I guess I always knew””- it is amazing to me, to … know all the things I made believe were not so, in my life, because I didn’t want them to be so, because I needed them to be different.

    anita

    August 29, 2018 at 9:07 am #223577
    jean115
    Participant

    Anita,

    I sincerely appreciate your insight. I am beyond grateful for some kind of clarity in all this and you have given me that. I know now the only thing I can do at this point is focus on myself and my own well-being. I have learned many things in this relationship that will help me grow and learn to trust myself more. Those two things alone are worth everything.

    Thank you again,

    Jean

    August 29, 2018 at 9:35 am #223583
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jean:

    You are welcome. Your recent post reads to me very wise. Do post anytime you would like and I will be glad to respond to you every time.

    anita

    August 29, 2018 at 10:44 am #223607
    Asja
    Participant

    Dear Friend

    I am not a psychologist to give recomendations.

    And suffered too as you are.

    Just want to give you a shoulder, and say .. stay positive dear.. things will gona be good.

    Life is going on.  Focus on good.

    August 29, 2018 at 12:23 pm #223627
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi jean115,

    You make a lot of sense to me. If I were you I would not try to rekindle this or contact him at all. Give him the space he needs to figure his own stuff out. I hope you no longer feel “regretful”, the title of your thread, because I don’t see anything you’ve done as regrettable.

    Surround yourself with supportive friends and take it one day at time.

    B

    August 29, 2018 at 1:33 pm #223641
    Kasia Liszka
    Participant

    Hey Jean,

    Today I woke up to an email from Tiny Buddha about your post. I don’t even remember signing up to receive email notifications, but I read the email anyway. As I was reading I was wondering if it was a post of mine from two years ago. Your words and your experience sounded so, so familiar to what I went through myself. Except my story had an ending…I left him for good.

    The reason I’m telling you this is because I am regretful to this day that I left him. And I feel that you need to know. I really think you should try to get back with him. Otherwise, you will always be regretful like me. But remember please, if he doesn’t want to get back or changes his mind, or you give it another shot and it doesn’t work: leave it. It’s not meant to be. But it’s better to give it one last chance than to live in regret that you didn’t try. And on being so overwhelmed with emotions that you can’t see clearly: no matter what path you choose, it was the right option for you at that time. Things ALWAYS work themselves out.

    I’m sorry, I’m not a good writer. But I needed to share my story with you.

    Good luck,

    Kasia

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Kasia Liszka.
    August 30, 2018 at 5:53 am #223707
    jean115
    Participant

    Hi Kasia,

    I’m glad you read through and I appreciate your input. Your writing IS good and I love “no matter what path you choose, it was the right option for you at that time. Things ALWAYS work themselves out.” I will hold onto that.

    I was clear yesterday and am full of mixed emotion again today. It all comes in waves. Most days, I’d do anything for a second chance and still regret my part in this relationship not working. Some days, I just want to move on and feel like myself again.

    At this point, I wouldn’t even know where to begin in trying again. His actions only show that he wants nothing to do with me. As Anita said, it was dead long ago. I believe moving toward him in any way would only cause me more grief and disappointment. I need to let go and move on for my own well being. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but, true growth comes from facing life’s challenges and learning from them.

    Thank you and feel free to let me know your thoughts anytime.

    Jean

     

    August 31, 2018 at 9:45 am #223881
    Tara5000
    Participant

    Jean sweetie, you deserve better and you know it. That’s the good part. The pain is the bad part. I suggest No Contact. I should have broken up with my ex-boyfriend May of last year. But I didn’t want to be alone, had invested so much time and money and loved him. By this past January his behavior was worse. He was critical of me, my children and wanted everything his way. So I grew a set and broke it off. A week later I got back with him and he promised to be less negative and selfish. It got worse, he started being outright mean. I broke it off. I did what I could do to improve the relationship and he didn’t want to do his part, but still wanted money and sex from me. I was crushed, but did No Contact and i’m now free from his insanity. After two months I see how much he used me. I do wish it had worked out, but it was never going to. Be strong sister. Trust that it will get better. Feel the pain then let it go. Hugs

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