Dear d85,

I am sorry you are consumed with regret regarding this girl. What sticks out to me is that you struggled with regret when your father passed away too:

And in the aftermath I emotionally shut down, struggling to deal with regrets, things left unsaid, not being by his bedside when he passed (despite rushing to the hospital and just being too late).

It appears you were blaming yourself for not having done enough, even though you took good care of your father before he ended up in hospital (I had to help him with day-to-day functions as he could barely move, before he ended up in hospital.)

With this girl, you felt you couldn’t make her happy and would only be a burden:

I thought I would just end up bringing this girl down, and that she could be spending the time she would be waiting for me getting to know someone else who could make her happy.

I wondered if it might be better for her to find someone else that could give her what she deserved.

I thought I couldn’t make her happy, and would end up being a burden and I should step aside so she could move on and find someone better than me. I thought she’d be better off without me.

This all shows you think very poorly of yourself, and this is what probably keeps you in this cycle of self-blame and regret.

You say you’ve been suffering from depression and mental illness for as long as you can remember. Do you know what triggered your depression? If you feel like sharing some more, please do.

Dear d85:

You wrote to me: “Dear Anita, thanks for your response and saying you’d be happy to provide input. If you’re happy offering input do you have any advice for trying to get out of a cycle of regret? And any advice for trying to forgive yourself for past mistakes?”

You are welcome. You wrote in your original post: “I’ve suffered from depression and mental illness for as long as I can remember“- this means that your “cycle of regret” started long ago, before the virtual relationship with your most recent romantic interest entered your life,  before any adult relationship.. before your father got sick and passed away.. before all current events.

I think that you believed early on, as a boy, that you made terrible mistakes, you terribly regretted them and looked for forgiveness.. mistakes that were.. probably not really mistakes, or they were very small mistakes, not worthy of torturing yourself over them.

Look at how seriously you took the small mistake of reporting a member for inappropriate content here on your thread: you apologized for it repeatedly through three posts, contacted the site to have it corrected.. all very responsible but also an overreaction.. it was not a big mistake.

Similarly, I imagine that as a boy you made such very small mistakes, but someone’s reaction to your small mistakes were overreactions, and those overreactions led you to believe that your small (or non) mistakes were big and terrible mistakes. I think that those early life overreactions are responsible to the beginning of your long-term depression and mental illness as well as cycle of regret.

You wrote in your original post regarding your romantic interest: “I thought I couldn’t make her happy, and would end up being a burden and I should step aside so she could move on and find someone better than me. I thought she’d be better off without me“- this is likely what you felt as a boy (and still): feeling like a burden, feeling that the adults in your life will be better off without you.. because you make such big and terrible mistakes. I can feel the pain of this boy, a boy who is still very much a part of you.

My advice: quality psychotherapy so to address those small or non-mistakes that you made as a boy, and the overreactions to those small/ non-mistakes. Seeing the truth of the situation where your cycle of regret originated will help a great deal. If you don’t feel like having therapy where you talk too much about your childhood, you can look for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Also, you are welcome to post here anytime. If and when you do, I will be glad to reply to you further.

anita