I hope this is the right section for this, just needed to vent and share a little. I’ve recently begun what I can only describe as a quest for self discovery and trying to become the best version of myself I can be. Part of this has been things as simple as finally getting back out and losing the weight I gained the past year after taking an IT desk job but the bigger part of this has been opening my mind to things I probably never would have considered otherwise – namely meditation, therapy, and positive affirmations (I’ve always tended to be a pessimist and shielded myself from becoming too vulnerable). I’ve begun meditating daily and doing Tai Chi three times a week and I honestly can tell a difference in how I feel. I never would have believed it a year ago but there’s an undeniable benefit to these practices and I am now a complete advocate of them. It’s offered me a bit of levity and respite over the past few months that I’m honestly scared to think of what would have happened if I didn’t have. There were a few times where the routine was all I had to hold on to. At times I feel elated, hopeful, and so calm but then I am hit with these random feelings of depression, failure, and self-loathing. These feelings are usually brought on by thinking about my current situation.

I’m 27 and I live at home with my parents and on Halloween day my ex-girlfriend of over two years broke up with me (more on that later). Last year I fought my fear and cashed in my nest egg 401k and re-enrolled as a full time student to finish my bachelors degree and I’m trying to live off this until I finish this semester before I get a job. It doesn’t feel particularly great to still be living at home and jobless – even if I AM working towards something better – but the end of this relationship has really been what really hit me hardest and the root of all of this self discovery. I hate to say I wasted many years of my 20’s but that’s the way it feels – maybe wasted isn’t the right word but I certainly could have used them better. I worked in a dead-end job for 5 years and never got serious about school until now. I’m learning to not hold on to the past and to focus on what I can do right now – my mantra every time I’ve felt less than lovingly about myself the past few weeks has been to do a checklist of all the things I am capable of doing to work towards my goals for that day (Have you mediated? Did you finish your workout? Have you stuck to your diet plan? Are you prepared for your class/test? etc)

Even with all this, when the depressed feelings hit me I literally cannot sit still, I have to get up and go outside to “get some air” or find someone to be near. The upside of this is my relationship with my family has improved greatly and I have begun to have such an appreciation of things I was taking for granted before. I’ve just currently started speaking with a counselor referred to me by my psychology teacher and it’s a great help to share things I’m not really comfortable sharing with my friends but there are times (usually at night when things are quiet or just before going to bed) where I feel utterly lost and hopeless. I’m not sure what else I can do for today except give it time but I feel so completely terrible during these times that I have literally felt sick.

As I said before I recently had a relationship end this past Halloween. It was a little out of the blue for me (apparently she had been having doubts for awhile) and while she had given herself time to prepare for it I was not at all prepared. This is a girl I had been talking about marriage and kids with, spending our lives together, etc. I often joked about how I would propose but I’m sure she never knew that I really HAD been picking out a ring and considering the timeline of how things would progress over the next year and when would be a good time to sit down and ask her father’s permission to marry her. I saw a future with her that I thought we both shared, I really believed we were both happy together. She often got upset with me when I was pessimistic or sarcastic or when I wouldn’t completely share my feelings over small things but for her to hide something like this from me made me feel like I didn’t really know her like I thought I did. We used to laugh at other couples’ relationship problems and felt that we had this strong bond, she was like my best friend in so many ways, but apparently for awhile she had been lying to herself and me. I know that breakups take two people’s actions and I accepted full blame for the things I did that drove her away from me but I couldn’t help but feel betrayed in some way. I made the mistake of putting expectations on our lives and forgot that life happens on life’s terms.

This has been a lot more that I thought I would type when I sat down but I guess I’m trying to reassure myself I’m doing the best I can to move on in the most healthy way possible. Honestly, one of the hardest parts of all this has been me finally becoming truly open and honest. At times I’ve felt a bit silly about feeling depressed or sad because I have so much to grateful for, a roof over my head, awesome family that supports me, food on my table, etc. Anyway, thanks in advance to all who take the time to read this.